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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed by the disapproving looks my SIL gave my 3 year old....

60 replies

MrBloomsNursery · 07/08/2011 11:31

Sorry, just wrote it all out and it's quite long....

Okay, so I'm muslim, and my SIL decided to have a big feast in her house in the evening and invite her neighbours around. Sunset is at around 8.50pm and so naturally a child of 3, who has been awake since 7am without a nap in the day will get fussy and in my daughter's case, a bit loopy from tiredness.

My SIL invited me around to "help" her and that there won't be that many people so being a nice person that I am, I asked her to pick me up at 6.30pm and I also made some food to take along. Our car is broken so I couldn't drive there myself (even though I bloody wish I had).

So firstly it usual custom to sit and pray for a little while before sunset - everyone was quiet in the room and my DD got fussy and started rolling on the sofa. This is the first "look" that SIL gave my daughter. I saw her and took DD upstairs and put cbeebies on the computer for her to keep entertained for a little while. It was about 7.30pm.

Then when fast opened at sunset, SIL starts ordering me around to get things from the kitchen like plates and spoons, and she starts serving up other children whilst my daughter who is really hungry at that stage (she had tea at about 5pm) starts getting agitated. Second "look" from SIL because DD is not behaving again. So at this point I just sat down with DD and started helping her eat as I knew how hungry and tired she was. I got a few looks from her for sitting down and feeding my daughter.

So, at this point I'm thinking of asking my brother to drop me off home, but it's so busy and SIL is adamant she needs me there Hmm. So I carry on hosting and offering guests food and water etc...

Finally it got to about 10.50pm and by this point my DD had gone mad. She was running around the whole house screaming and generally being stupid because this is what happens to her when she gets tired. So many times I told her to calm down and sit down, but she wasn't listening to me. I even took her upstairs and asked her if she wanted to sleep but she was too hyper to stop. So we come back downstairs and DD starts running again and SIL gives DD another look and catches her and tells her to be quiet....I WAS SO ANGRY that I ended up shouting at my DD, for no reason and I cried when I got home because it wasn't her fault. My little daughter had been up since 7am, and I had been helping this woman all evening and neglecting her.

So really am I being unreasonable to be annoyed that my SIL kept looking at DD like that? She has 2 daughters aged 10 and 8, who in my memory have NEVER stayed at our house that late with their mother helping me. When they were younger she used to run off home claiming that they needed routine and their sleep, yet it was okay for DD to ruin her routine and then expect her to behave like an older child for nearly 5 hours in the evening.

Tonight I am inviting brother and SIL around for dinner, and I am thinking of saying something to her. My DH thinks I'm being stupid, but I want to remind this bitch that 3 year olds can't be expected to behave at that time in the evening when they're tired. Should I say anything? If so, how could I put it in a nice way so she gets the hint I was annoyed.

OP posts:
mum0ftw0 · 07/08/2011 11:51

I think you are correct that she was a bitch, and took advantage of you being a pushover.
But people do to you (and your child) what you let them.

I would explain that she needs her own bed, at bedtime, and that's it. Not open for discussion at all.
You'll discuss helping her earlier in the day, or if you can get a babysitter, but your daughter's needs aren't negotiable.

Gastonladybird · 07/08/2011 11:51

Mrbloomsnursery- chalk it up to experience and hold on to how upset and annoyed you feel (at yourself/sil) so you don't find yourself saying yes next time to sil.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 07/08/2011 11:51

If your sil insisted that you jump off a cliff, would you?

Please stop acting like you had no choice in the matter. You are a grown up. Take responsibility for your choices. It is the only way you will become assertive and look after the best interests of your child. As long as you pretend that you had no choice and had to do this - you will never change.

iscream · 07/08/2011 11:51

Remember when you say "No" to your sil, to tell her that your daughter needs to stick to her routine, and must be home in bed by x time.

aurynne · 07/08/2011 11:52

Apart from what everyone else already said (and which is just pure common sense), I will add that "giving a disapproving look" to a three year old who is misbehaving is possibly the most polite thing to do in that circumstance. What do you exactly want to do about it? Control how people look at your daughter? or did you expect people to smile and blow kisses to a child having a tantrum?

BluddyMoFo · 07/08/2011 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MrBloomsNursery · 07/08/2011 11:54

If I had called a taxi and gone home, I think there would have been "bad feeling" left in the air that I left and I know SIL would have made a big brouhaha about it afterwards as it would have shown disrespect to her infront of her friends....Asian mentality and attitudes apply here.

OP posts:
Cattleprod · 07/08/2011 11:54

Why didn't you make sure your DD had a nap during the day so she wouldn't be so tired and grumpy in the evening? If we have something planned for an evening - bbq, wedding reception, someone coming round for dinner, party etc and I want DS (also 3) to be there then I explain to him what we are going to be doing later and that he should have a sleep in the afternoon so he has lots of energy for later. Everyone enjoys it much more if he's well rested and not overtired and grouchy.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 07/08/2011 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 07/08/2011 11:56

Bad feeling in air v best interests of your child.

I don't see the struggle.

Are you suggesting that it would offend asian people to leave their home because your child is overtired?

Because I have to say, that suggestion that that is the way asian people think has the potential to offend mightily!

Original poster
MrBloomsNursery · 07/08/2011 11:57

Well I'm defintely putting this down to experience. It was hard trying to help SIL doing the entertaining and disciplining DD at the same time. I've never been in a situation like that before. You are all right. I should have put DD first and I didn't. I'm also pregnant and have slight SPD, so will be using that as an excuse next time too.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 07/08/2011 11:59

I take it your husband wasn't there?

Original poster
MrBloomsNursery · 07/08/2011 12:00

magnificent, when it comes to family matters, it is normal custom for the close family members to be there until the end. Especially as no other family member was there apart from me and my Aunt. SIL didn't even let our old 80 year Aunt go home when she was really tired because it would offend her infront of friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrBloomsNursery · 07/08/2011 12:01

No, DH was working late. If DH was there it would have been a whole different story.

OP posts:
GaramMasalaGirl · 07/08/2011 12:02

Oh I really feel for you OP, you were trying to do a nice thing for your sister and she didn't appreciate your efforts or the impact on your little DD.

I used to get stuck in exactly that situation with my awful in-laws until I got divorced!! I guess what I learnt is that it's really difficult to try to please everyone in your extended family and you should just focus on your immediate family otherwise you'll spend the next few years being torn in various different directions!

That doesn't mean you shouldn't go around to give a hand but when it's DD's bedtime you should just call a taxi and go on home.

I wouldn't say anything that might cause an argument (especially during Ramadhan) but would just comment that poor DD was absolutely shattered and from now on you're going to stick to her bedtime routine, especially in Ramadhan so that you have more time to pray. She's surely not going to argue with that is she?

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 07/08/2011 12:04

Unless she physically barred the door - you had a choice. She can't stop you. Now, if you choose to place such importance on avoiding offending someone, that's up to you. If you say that it is part of asian culture to be easily offended and insist that people stay in your home and not allow them to leave, I must respectfully disagree.

LineRunner · 07/08/2011 12:05

You needed to have said no.

You twice state that your 3 year old had been awake since 7am without a nap. In which case she definitely needed to be in bed.

What you could do is say to your SiL, 'That was all a bit grim. Let's make sure that doesn't happen again, for all our sakes,'

Original poster
MrBloomsNursery · 07/08/2011 12:10

Thanks garammasala that's a very good idea! Thanks! My in-laws are brilliant though - this SIL is my brother's wife, so I have to keep the air clear for the sake of my brother - I won't make an argument with her ever, but I will casually say DD was very tired on Friday.

OP posts:
bringmesunshine2009 · 07/08/2011 12:17

Oooo I know that mentality. The 'let the kids routine and behaviour be shot to pieces at the expense of the older members of the family all in the name of respect' whilst still raising eyebrows and judging you for your parenting skills.

I always put foot down with MIL to ensure DSs sleep well. I am heavily critized for it and I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

Invite SIL over to yours. Put DD to sleep at 7pm still an hour and a half to finish iftar prep. You can all eat andpray in peace!

worraliberty · 07/08/2011 12:22

The poor child should have been put first...way before your SIL's 'needs'.

If she can't host a dinner party without help, she either shouldn't host one at all or she should get help from someone with a babysitter/older children.

You knew your child was tired and you knew you hadn't fed her since 5pm. Most 3yr old's would be asleep on their feet at that time. No wonder she played up.

Next time just say no if you don't have anyone to mind your child.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 07/08/2011 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
MrBloomsNursery · 07/08/2011 12:27

Oh bringmesunshine!!! Thank You for understanding!! That's exactly what I plan to do tonight!

From now on, DD first, everything and everyone else second! Gosh I have learnt my lesson!

OP posts:
bringmesunshine2009 · 07/08/2011 12:32

De rien, sometimes it's a bit like fighting a war single handed with a smile on your face round here too!

KangarooCaught · 07/08/2011 12:33

Yep, all you need to say to SIL at your meal is 'DD couldn't cope with being that tired and out of routine, won't make that mistake again!' Then it gives you the get out for next of SIlL's 'get togethers' which seem to place a lot of demands on family. Then you can say, "DD's routine and 'pregnancy related illness' makes rest and an early night a must."

SIL not a bitch, but sounded like a stressed hostess and ended up placing importance of looking good in front of guests over the needs of family on this occasion. Remember that is what she does and step back. You can always be blunt and say, "DD misbehaved last time as it was too late for her and it irritated you and made it a nightmare for me. I don't want that again and for the sake of your guests, we can't come."

Cattleprod · 07/08/2011 12:35

MJHASLEFT - I totally agree with you. Too many people have such strict routines and the whole family suffers when it comes to enjoying special occasions as a family.