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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have lost my usual judgement and don't trust my pregnancy hormones, was DH ABU?

62 replies

SenoritaViva · 05/08/2011 16:54

Got an email today from a friend organising a birthday weekend 2 weeks after my due date.

20 minutes later husband replies accepting on his behalf and saying I probably won't as I will have just given birth.

Last time I had an emergency CS and we don't know whether I'll have an elective this time yet etc. etc.

Actually I don't really have so much of a problem with him going away, I just think he could have chatted to me about it first; not asking my permission but sounding me out rather than just assuming I'll be left with the two children for the weekend.

Is it pregnancy hormones making me a bit sensitive (and have I been reading too much MN???) I'm not angry and certainly I don't want to start a fight but would it be unreasonable for me to point out that maybe that was a bit selfish not to talk it through together first?

It's not like the guy needed an immediate answer, it's in 6 months time!

OP posts:
Original poster
SenoritaViva · 05/08/2011 17:27

I don't think I timed it right, he'd just got in from work and I wasn't going to say anything but he said 'what's up, you seem cross'. Not good at hiding my feelings it would appear. And now it's turned into a bit of a fight, which is not what I wanted.

Yes it hurts like buggery but I'd be OK for the weekend I'm sure. Or have I totally forgotten what it's like???

By the way he didn't say it was me being pregnant exactly, it was my interpretation of his reaction.

OP posts:
Dozer · 05/08/2011 17:28

Yes, as curryspice says, let's have a MN word with him!

foreverondiet · 05/08/2011 17:28

Totally unreasonable and selfish, unless perhaps your parents are nearby and he knew they'd be around to look after you, the baby and DD.

If it was 2 weeks before your due date then it would be more of a question, and would depend on how easily he could get home.

Shutupanddrive · 05/08/2011 17:28

No way are you being unreasonable! I would be bloody furious if dp did this. He has no idea when you will actually give birth and just assumes you can look after both dc's while he buggers off on a weekend away. Put your foot down!

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 05/08/2011 17:31

forever no parents nearby. But they could come that weekend I suppose and stay in a B&B. Hadn't thought of that, might be a good idea. They're utterly USELESS with babies (won't change a nappy etc.) but they'll be great with DD and cook and Mum will do my ironing (she clearly thinks that's important even though I never iron anything). Thanks so much, that could be a good solution.

OP posts:
Dozer · 05/08/2011 17:31

His reaction to your bringing it up makes this worse, that line "you seem cross" is a classic ploy to make you feel bad and unreasonable and question yourself.

Let's all come over and sort him out!

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 05/08/2011 17:32

Dozer DH is not ready for an MN word!

OP posts:
Dozer · 05/08/2011 17:33

NO! Don't get the parents over, as you say will not help you much and just enables him to do what he likes and not worry about anyone else.

In future there may be an emergency or valid reason to have the parents help, but this isn't it.

Dozer · 05/08/2011 17:33

Oh, he wouldn't be so unreasonable if it was his grandma's 100th birthday!

MrsCampbellBlack · 05/08/2011 17:34

YANBU

DH was due to go a wedding 2 weeks after I had dc3 (c-section) and I was fine with it beforehand.

However once dc3 was here and was dealing with a 19 month old too who was recovering from chicken pox - I was sooooo glad when he cancelled going and luckily friends understood too. And we sent a nice gift.

So best to say no in advance I think and 2 weeks post c-section - well I did too much and was bleeding an awful awful lot then.

Birthdays come round every year - having a baby trumps that I think Smile

Good luck with the upcoming birth.

PorkChopSter · 05/08/2011 17:34

Either you won't have given birth in which case you will be even more hormonal and unwieldly and needing not to worry about looking after yourself let alone a 4 year old; or you will have given birth - and however you achieve that will be struggling on zero sleep.

Can you ask him to remember back to the first two weeks of your DD's life: how shattered you both were, how sore/stressed you were: and ask him to imagine going through that again BY YOURSELF but this time also having to look after a 4 year old who could be somewhat disgruntled about her new sibling? Would he mind if you did it?

And you may not have to pick up your DD but you will have to pick up DC2, possibly in a car seat, will your DD need to get anywhere, are you supposed to stay in with her all weekend?

My DH buggered off had to go to the US for a week when DC4 was 3 weeks old. He made sure he did all he could before he went to the point of leaving a pile of toilet rolls by each toilet. He encouraged me to sort a babysitter or friend to come each evening to help do bedtime. He threatened bribed the other children with all sorts to get them to behave. But he had no choice in the timing of the trip, he would not have gone if he had a choice, as it was he missed 25% of Dc4's life.

PinkSchmoo · 05/08/2011 17:36

I think he is being utterly unreasonable and a bit of a twat to consider it let alone accept without a discussion.

AmberLeaf · 05/08/2011 17:41

Exactly what PinkSchmoo said.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn · 05/08/2011 17:42

I sorry but it's his attitude and lack of consideration not the trip!

LolaRennt · 05/08/2011 17:42

So dh decide with out consulting you, that A) he was going, B) you wern't, and that C) you wouldnt be up to going but would be up to doing all the sole child care.

Yeah you don't really need us to tell you he is BU do you?

diddl · 05/08/2011 17:46

It´s an unfortunate situation where nobody knows what will be going on, isn´t it?

TBH I think he should have said no on the grounds that it´s a weekend away-not just a night.

You might have an easy time, but even so, I would have thought he wouldn´t want to leave you/newborn so soon for a w/end.

CurrySpice · 05/08/2011 17:47

OP I think it's one of those rare decisions, a unanimous MN verdict! :o

YANBU

I've never done that before! Have I truly arrived?

WilsonFrickett · 05/08/2011 17:50

CurrySpice apparently not till you're called royalty?

But you are right! and OP, if my DH ever refused an invitation on my behalf without discussing it with me, he'd be getting Curry's gavel right where the sun don't shine. YaNBU.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 05/08/2011 17:51

DH would definitely cancel if we needed him too, and I think that's what he was thinking, say yes, cancel if needed. I think he was just excited about the invite, it sounds like a great weekend away (big birthday for the friend) and he is not a selfish person. He's lovely and gives up a lot for DD and I.

Dozer my parents have offered to come and help for a few nights, this might be perfect timing, if they're going to come anyway this could be good.

porkchop how very sad for your DH to miss some of your baby's short life. How sad you both must have been.

Lola honestly I lost a lot of judgement in the last pregnancy so I really wasn't sure! (clearly haven't entirely lost it yet).

OP posts:
Dozer · 05/08/2011 17:51

Yes, yes curryspice, you've arrived. Amen.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 05/08/2011 17:54

He didn't exactly say no on my behalf (sorry did I imply that?) essentially he said all likely not (and why!) but maybe I'd be feeling like a big party and so we'd confirm that side. Clearly I know I will not even be feeling like getting dressed let alone a party!

OP posts:
nomoreheels · 05/08/2011 17:58

DP wouldn't have considered going away for a whole weekend 2 weeks after I gave birth, let alone accept any invites so close to my EDD before the baby arrived. And certainly not without discussing it as a couple. Your DH comes across as pretty selfish on this one.

And that was without a second child to mind, or a potential section! I had nasty stitches in the end though, & there is no way could I have coped alone for a weekend with DD at 2 weeks.

A few hours out to have a few drinks would have been ok. However DP decided it wasn't fair to go out until we were a bit more settled. He's out for a pint now as it happens!

dobeessneeze · 05/08/2011 17:58

If it's a question of what you're up to doing, it sounds like you've actually got the harder end of the deal there. Looking after a newborn and a 4-year old while also making sure that you're eating and sleeping well enough to recover from the birth (whatever way the baby comes out, it'll be bloody knackering), or going away for a weekend of eating and drinking with friends.

Could his acceptance be provisional (if it's a weekend that involves booking accommodation etc it might be hard, but still) depending on whether the baby is on time, whether you have another CS, how your 4-year old is coping, how you feel (and I reckon even just feeling a bit tired or overwhelmed or not wanting to be apart from him for that long is good enough) etc? It's really hard to commit one way or another before the birth as there are so many variables - you may find that you're recovering really well and happy for him to go away, but equally you might not and it wouldn't be fair on you or your children to go ahead with his plans just because they were made before the birth.

FabbyChic · 05/08/2011 18:02

if you have a natural birth, push when they tell you and not before, you will be up and about in no time, and certainly won't feel tired after two weeks.

The day after I had my youngest I was driving to the shops and doing weekly shopping.

The problem you may have is if you have a c section.

My children were the same age apart as yours, and the eldest was wonderful.

Original poster
SenoritaViva · 05/08/2011 18:03

Good points dobeessneeze Unfortunately it will involve accommodation booking. Thing is I meet the consultant at the end of the month and we decide if I have an elective. If that's the case then the weekend could be 4-6 weeks after the birth, we'd know what was going to happen and so could be more definite. I'm sure we could wait until we know whether I'll go for a VBAC or elective we'll have a better idea.

My high horse is rather lovely with all this agreement on my behalf! Thank you and people have come up with some great ideas..

OP posts: