Keep bringing up about not using physical punishment for a one year old?

[Tierdmummy]

Before I ask the question I would like to say, I love my DP very much he has been my rock for the past 4 years.
The thing is we have our first DD who is just over one. DP is and has been great with me and her throughout the whole first baby experience.
The only issue we are having at the moment is his views on parenting when it comes to silly behaviour is that he "taps" her on the hand.
This I do not think is anyway to teach her anything she just gets upset and doesnt seem to understand why he does it as for example..
DD goes to bite me I would normally pull myself away and get a toy or somthing to distract her. But my DP will say "No you dont bite mummy"
She looks at him smiles and goes to do it again. So he "taps" her on the hand moves her away from me and says "no".
I do try to talk to him about it but he just says the usually "never did me any harm"
"kids are in need of it these days"
Ect..
He is a great daddy and loves us very much I think its just the way he was bought up that makes him not think it as a promblem and I do not know how to get him out of that frame of mind.

Im starting to doubt if I am even right to question it anymore. Anyone got any advice or simular promblem past or present would be thankful for advice.

(sorry for long post)

You response has to be immediate or she won't understand or associate the consequence with the behaviour.

What's wrong with a firm no, or removing your attention and walking away, or a very stern look all of which have been suggested. You seem adamant not to correct the behaviour in anyway. Although she may well grow out of this phase, the biting may turn to hitting and hair pulling etc. What's wrong with communicating your displeasure at this behaviour?

squeaky... but those are the two bad ways to deal with misbehaviour set against each other. There are 'positive' methods - eg the child knows that bad behaviour will have a consequence which will be carried out.

Exactly! the consequence of knowing if she repeats the behaviour she gets a smack.. a smack, not a punch, not a beating. But the thing is, because a child knows that they dont like a smack, they dont repeat the behaviour, so they dont actually get a smack.. therefore the parent doesnt need to smack.

It worked great for my mother. I think she only ever smacked me 3 or 4 times in my life. On the bottom or back of legs.. She did however tell me off many times, and as I knew that I didnt like getting a smack, I did as I was told.

I was never smacked without warning, or for no good reason. I knew that I had been naughty. I certainly did not grow up feeling like a mistreated child.

All my peers grew up in the same way. It did not do any of us any harm.

There is a massive difference between beating a child, and smacking a naughty child.

A tap on the hand isn't the end of the world as a consequence of extreme behavior, maybe 12mo is a little young though.

squeaky a baby is not the same as a naughty child.

Tierd - I'm afraid you have to put up with children crying or screaming when they are thwarted. Apart from ditching the toy, you're basically on the right track.

Someone mentioned teething, it may be worth asking her if she wants a breadstick or suchlike if she's being bity (after putting her down)

Grimma, I did say a tap on the hand was sufficient for a toddler. A one year old is capable of knowing that the word NO and a tap on the hand means not to do something.

Sorry, Nagoo I mean.. (tired eyes and posts blurring)

As long as it does not mean having to smack I will try it

Thanks for your tips !!!
Off to my Bed now as eyes are stinging :)
Night all mumnetters..

No, squeaky, not 'exactly'

The consequence does not have to be physical. The alternatives may take a bit more commitment and effort, but some of us think that's worthwhile.

My mother used to administer judicious leg slaps. I can't remember being too bothered by them either way - other consequences (eg if I dallied getting ready we wouldn't go to the beach) much more effective.

Or, more simply, A one year old is capable of knowing that the word NO means not to do something.

The tap is not necessary.

A ten month old can understand if you hand them a teething ring or food and say "We bite this, NOT people" (or mummy, or daddy, or whatever word you know she understands). It worked for my DS. And no, he didn't start biting as a way to get toys, how ridiculous. He knew he could get toys any time by pointing to them and making a noise, or, you know, crawling up to them and getting them himself! Or you can do the no and put them down thing, as others have said.

I am very taken aback at all the pro-smacking posters on this thread, most of the time mumsnet seems very anti-smacking. It is your choice together with your DP of course, OP, but just be aware there are many many alternatives which work, there was a recent thread on AIBU called "To ask how you discipline" or something, which followed on from a smacking debate thread and it was very interesting. You can also look in the Parenting section or post about particular issues there if you want to find out what other people do, usually you end up with a range of options so you can pick which suits you and your family best.

I think you need to have a serious discussion with your DP about this issue, if he is pro smacking and you are strongly anti it, you need to discuss this NOW before she becomes a toddler. I know a lot of people who used smacking with pre-verbal children for example if they were about to reach up to something dangerous - the fact he's using it as a general discipline tool suggests to me he's likely to carry on doing this, and as she gets older, it's going to get harder, so you need to discuss now if you are not happy with this and come up with a solution you are both happy with. You don't have to parent in exactly the same way (DP and I think it can be good for children to see that there are different approaches to things) but you need to be respectful of each others' choices, and back each other up. You can't do this if you feel the other is being completely unfair, so discuss it way before it comes up, to prevent some kind of standoff happening in front of her.

I think your husband is right that she needs to be told not to bite even though she's only a baby and you are right that she should not be smacked under any circumstances. I think a good strategy would be to do exactly what your husband did (tell her "no biting" and move her away) minus the smack. Followed by your distraction technique, which certainly has its place with a 13 month old baby. Et voila- you combine both your positive parenting tactics and your daughter is one lucky baby.

My sister smacks my 7 year old nephew yet he thinks its funny.

My mum used to smack me and i found it terrifying. So much that I'd run and sometimes wet myself with fear.

Babies don't develope the part of their brain that means they understand consequences until they are three. Before that they just understand that they are being hurt.

I find it awful how if you slap and adult its assault, yet do the same to a tiny child and its ok.

She's just a baby! I would simply move her away or look at her and say 'no, we don't bite people' firmly. She will eventually get the message.

I don't think smacking is the answer and certainly not a suitable punishment for a 10 month old and I agree it is odd that people would smack a child to try and teach them biting, and therefore hurting someone, is wrong.

I will never forget hearing my neighbour shout at his 3 year old son in the garden 'we don't hit people' and then hearing a very loud slap followed by the child crying... it certainly didn't work.