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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Keep bringing up about not using physical punishment for a one year old?

67 replies

Tierdmummy · 04/08/2011 22:49

Before I ask the question I would like to say, I love my DP very much he has been my rock for the past 4 years.
The thing is we have our first DD who is just over one. DP is and has been great with me and her throughout the whole first baby experience.
The only issue we are having at the moment is his views on parenting when it comes to silly behaviour is that he "taps" her on the hand.
This I do not think is anyway to teach her anything she just gets upset and doesnt seem to understand why he does it as for example..
DD goes to bite me I would normally pull myself away and get a toy or somthing to distract her. But my DP will say "No you dont bite mummy"
She looks at him smiles and goes to do it again. So he "taps" her on the hand moves her away from me and says "no".
I do try to talk to him about it but he just says the usually "never did me any harm"
"kids are in need of it these days"
Ect..
He is a great daddy and loves us very much I think its just the way he was bought up that makes him not think it as a promblem and I do not know how to get him out of that frame of mind.

Im starting to doubt if I am even right to question it anymore. Anyone got any advice or simular promblem past or present would be thankful for advice.

(sorry for long post)

OP posts:
Original poster
Tierdmummy · 04/08/2011 23:27

I kinda go along the side of distract (what the toys for) to draw her attention away.

She is only a baby its not like she is doing it to harm .

OP posts:
Original poster
Tierdmummy · 04/08/2011 23:29

I know we are a team and we need to sort it out now for DD sake

OP posts:
Nagoo · 04/08/2011 23:29

It doesn't matter why she does it.

She needs to know biting people is wrong.

How will you react when some kid bites her?

K999 · 04/08/2011 23:29

If someone said to me "stop that or I'll assault you" I'd stop doing it far quicker than if someone said "stop doing that or I'll keep asking you till you do".....most folk will (if they can) actively avoid being assaulted. It's not rocket science.

Original poster
Tierdmummy · 04/08/2011 23:31

A kid is different from a baby you can explain and use time outs ect on children.

OP posts:
Nagoo · 04/08/2011 23:31

K999 it's not smack or nothing.

GrimmaTheNome · 04/08/2011 23:32

squeaky... but those are the two bad ways to deal with misbehaviour set against each other. There are 'positive' methods - eg the child knows that bad behaviour will have a consequence which will be carried out.

Nagoo · 04/08/2011 23:32

And you can teach a baby not to bite.

K999 · 04/08/2011 23:33

Sorry, I thought that was the point SqueakyToy was making?

Original poster
Tierdmummy · 04/08/2011 23:33

Really so smacking is still used most in these days??

Im not being funny it was one of the reasons I posted I started to doubt if I was making too much of a fuss over nothing.

I do not know why I do not like it I just do not think I could ever do it to my baby.
It breaks my heart to even see DP doing it to her.

OP posts:
K999 · 04/08/2011 23:35

I don't smack my DCs. Never have and never will. For the simple reason I think it's assault. But hey, that's just me......

Original poster
Tierdmummy · 04/08/2011 23:36

Same as K999.

:)
Glad im not alone

OP posts:
GrimmaTheNome · 04/08/2011 23:37

Tierd - I don't know of anyone who smacks or 'taps' their baby.

Tell her 'no' firmly, put her down away from you. Its what your DP does but without the tap. Try it as a compromise - no toy, no tap. Firm and consistent.

FunnysInTheGarden · 04/08/2011 23:37

stop being PFB, a tap on the hand is a very good way to tell your baby that biting is not acceptable. It's not child abuse, it's called good parenting

Original poster
Tierdmummy · 04/08/2011 23:37

I think the course is probs the best thing to try. A serious calm talk too is going to have to go down :)

OP posts:
Nagoo · 04/08/2011 23:37

K999 sorry... I see :)

OP it doesn't matter what other people do, it matters that you and your DP agree on a strategy.

I'm trying to say that you don't seem to have a strategy to deal with the biting. Your Dp obv thinks that you should be acting to stop it. I'd agree with him.

So you can't very well say 'don't tap her' and then offer no alternative action.

Original poster
Tierdmummy · 04/08/2011 23:38

Thank you all for advice!! :)

OP posts:
SJisontheway · 04/08/2011 23:38

I think you should try to reach a compromise. Put your foot down about the tapping, but perhaps agree to take a firmer line yourself about the biting. 13 month olds understand more than you give them credit for and can be taught biting is wrong.

K999 · 04/08/2011 23:39

Yes, good parenting.

"look you baby, you bit me and physically hurt me so I'm going to show you the error of your ways by physically hurting you back"

Yes, I can see how this method works.....

squeakytoy · 04/08/2011 23:40

By giving her the toy, you are heading for her biting another child when she wants the toy they are playing with at nursery.. it will end in tears!

BeerTricksPotter · 04/08/2011 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Tierdmummy · 04/08/2011 23:40

sorry nagroo

If you do not mind me asking What would Do in my situation ... regards bitting?

My alternative at her age is distraction .

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 04/08/2011 23:43

Read this: www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=3&ved=0CDAQFjAC&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.easierparenting.com.au%2Fblog%2F2011%2F01%2F24%2Feffective-alternatives-to-physical-punishment.htm&rct=j&q=parenting%20alternative%20to%20physical%20punishment&ei=Qxg7Tvr8MoKLhQeXkuyPAg&usg=AFQjCNFvRYxz0Sy9nPWhoe_IZR7qRz2dPQ&cad=rja

and look on the internet for more guides to parenting and details of courses that may be on offer in your area.

Physical punishment can damage child's a fragile psyche.

Although no child within his family may have been significantly harmed by the way they were raised, parenting advice and techniques have moved on and the way he was raised is not necessarily the way he should be looking to raise his dc.

I hope your dp proves amenable to changing his views and that you'll both soon be on the same page when it comes to parenting your dc.

Original poster
Tierdmummy · 04/08/2011 23:44

O
I would like to point out.
I ditract the first time (toy comes out ect)
But if she keeps going to do it I do just sit down out of the way.

Neither really work but at least she is not upset screaming ect
Although somtimes when i keep sitting her away from me she does scream :(

It is first baby for me aswell as DP so Its all new to us I was just looking for what other parents do really :) and your advice has been truely helpful

OP posts:
Nagoo · 04/08/2011 23:45

I would say No in a sharp voice, and I would put her on the floor.

She will be sad that she upset you.

That's it. Like you say, she is a baby, she doesn't need 'sanctions' she just needs to get the message that biting you is a bad idea.