I feel so resentful & can't seem to do anything to stop it

[LifeHope11]

Here is my situation: my 9 yo DS is severely disabled & has recently had surgery to correct bone deformities. He is just home from hospital & we (DH & I) are caring for him, he is in a cast from waist to foot. The only help we have been provided with to care for him is a hoist & sling which we can't use as he is in too much pain. DH has to sleep on the floor next to him as he can't be left alone (I have the bed as I am back at work - can't get any further time off as I have a new job). Last night DH was practically hallucinating with fatigue, I offered to sleep on the floor tonight instead but he said no need.

My problem is that I find myself feeling resentful towards my MIL & don't know what to do about it. I feel guilty even writing about this.....I am having to write this in secret as I don't know where the anger can go otherwise. She recently moved to be near us - her decision not ours. Basically, she is lonely and unhappy & wants to be near us as we are the only family nearby. I feel she has not thought through the expectations of what we can realistically do to support her.

DH has been doing a lot for her recently - drives her where she wants to go, takes her shopping. He also has been doing her laundry & this is making me so upset as it is not just a few items (which I would have no problem with) but a regular full load or more. This is at a time when DS is recovering from his op, is doubly incontinent and we get through a ton of laundry of our own -3 soiled sheets in the last 24 hours for example. When I came home from work & saw her stuff hanging on the line it made me so angry.

I am not proud of feeling like this, I know she is unhappy & vulnerable & also getting elderly & frail. I absolutely want her to feel she is part of the family. I also have to acknowledge that she has helped us out in the past & still helps us occasionally - she may mind DS for the odd hour so DH can pop out. But I think we easily do just as much to reciprocate (mostly DH but me also - on plenty of occasions though too many to go into here). Basically, I feel anxious for DH and feel he is taking on too much, that everyone has their limits & he is reaching his. I know he feels caught in the middle, if I protest that he is doing too much he gets frustrated & takes it out on me. There are no other family members to help out, SIL is sympathetic & supportive, does what she can but lives half way round the world as does BIL who however does not seem to want to know. Other family members likewise live abroad & are too unable/unwilling/elderly to be of any help. So overwhelmingly it falls to DH.

For example: before she moved she went abroad to stay with relations. While she was there & her house purchase was going through, a bill needed to be paid in a hurry & she was not in the country to access her money. I was asked if I could pay it (approx 5000 pounds) for her as I had recently been made redundant & had received a lump sum of compensation. I agreed to do it but on the clear understanding that it would be paid back at the earliest convenient opportunity. I made clear that I did not even consider it a loan as such but was just facilitating a transaction and that I expected to be paid back. I was accordingly assured that I would be. Well, that was in January....it is now August and I haven't had all the money back & don't think I will. I have had to chase & beg & remind her (via DH) to pay back some of the money. Now DH thinks we should just write off the rest (2000 pounds) as 'she has done so much for us' (although I really feel that we or rather DH does at least as much for her).

It is not the money so much as the principle - I have no objection to being generous & have previously volunteered that we pay towards MIL treats, holidays etc.. But this money was a big chunk of my redundancy pay, and the redundancy was traumatic, not straightforward at all. I fought hard for that money & wanted to use it as I saw fit to secure our future, it really rankles with me that the decision was taken out of my hands.

I am feeling really put upon and resentful. I just want to be left alone to care for DS and for us (DH & myself) to support each other in caring for him. I don't expect anything from anyone but I feel that too much is being asked of us.

Oh what a bloody hard situation for you. I'm not surprised you feel resentful about MIL; the redundancy money situation is outrageous, and is probably where your feelings of resentment are mainly stemming from.

I haven't got any advice really; I'd be furious and resentful about the money and resentful that you and DH seem to be giving all the support rather than receiving it. On the positive side, your DH sounds like an incredibly caring and good person.

YANBU

And wishing your DS a speedy recovery and good outcome.

Agree with Figs, this sounds like a terrible situation, and you & your dh are handling it with incredible stoicism, under the circs. You have every right to feel resentful regarding your redundancy money. Has Mil actually given you any reason for not having paid it back yet?

I don't blame you, I'd feel exactly the same and I'm a nice person

Is she physically incapable of doing her own laundry and stuff? If not, do you think you could have a word with her?

I don't mean in a 'back the fuck off' kind of way, but more from the angle that you're worried about your DH and were hoping for her help with it, kind of way

And yes, all the best to your little boy

Tough situation.... Just wondering how old is your MIL? and is there a reason she not capable of doing her own laundry, shopping etc? Your DH does sound like a very caring person but apart from everything else it is not good to have his Mum so dependent on him anyway as she will just get used to it and get less and less independent. It is important for elderly people to stay active and take care of themselves if they can. Ad for the money that is just plain wrong... does she not have it to pay it back?

I really don't know how you're managing, you and DH. You seem to have the world on your shoulders at the moment and must be so worried about your DS.

I was thinking about what I would do in your situation, how I would manage were I in your shoes and I really don't think I could be as 'together' as you're being. I don't know if money is very tight for you, I'm assuming that you're making ends meet but really need that residual £2k paid back asap. I think I'd have to speak to MIL about that. You were so clear at the start of it and it was just a facilitated transaction to help. It was good of you and now you need it back - as promised. Can you ask your SIL to get it back for you if you think that DH won't be able to ask? You're owed the money and what you do for your MIL shouldn't have a financial tag attached to it, that's seperate and the same goes for what she does for you.

If she's lonely, could she come and do her own washing at your house? Is she really that frail? Could she come and make a few meals, sit and read to your DS, just be a comfort to you? Has she been asked? It may be that she feels as if she's intruding and therefore keen to just impose her time on DH without realising that he's getting to breaking point.

I think you and your DH have been too silent for too long and it's time that you pull back from doing favours for the family and let them know that you're in need of a few yourself... at least a little consideration.

Wishing some much easier times ahead for you and your family, OP. It sounds very trite but it''s heartfelt. :)

YADNU.

Unless you are fairly well-off and can easily afford £2k, I wouldn't be writing it off. I would ask her for the money - nicely - but wouldn't go through DH. If she's having difficulties affording it, then she needs to tell you and sort something out with you. Things like that are bound to breed resentment and although it might be a bit awkward it's far better to talk to talk it through rather than let it fester.

I would also talk directly to her about the pressure your DH is under (and you) and how difficult it is and how worried you are about your DH and how much he can cope with. Say that he loves doing stuff for her and you want her to feel supported by you all but at the moment its just a bit tough and she might have to bear with you until your DS is better. I'd also suggest you take her washing to the laundrette (or suggest she might think of getting a cleaner/home help) who could help her with the washing.

What an very difficult time for your family. Hope your DS recovers from his op soon and life gets on a more of an even keel for you.

Many thanks for all your advice, support and sympathy. It really helps me; as I say, I feel disloyal even discussing this so dont feel able to complain to many of own family/friends. Eg if my own DM knew about the money situation, would probably never speak to MIL again and maybe berate me also for being 'mug' enough to agree to it. But it was either that or let house purchase fall through; which means that she would have come back to live with us until she could find another (as she was doing before, having moved out of old house: her in main ensuite bedroom and 3 of us crowded in other room, until it became so intolerable I insisted she go to stay with family abroad)

Yes there is more to this story: there always is isn't there? Basically MIL is physically q robust but mentally becoming frailer & showing signs of dementia. We have had our neighbours knocking anxiously on our door to tell us that MIL told them someone has been trying to break into her house; all nonsense of course, it is her paranoia - but they don't know that. So I could of course approach her, explain the situation & ask her for the money back, she would probably be v understanding & agree to pay it back - but would have forgotten the conversation by next week. I am really being guided by DH as to how to handle his mother. She is not physically incapable of doing her laundry etc but finds it just generally an effort, as I believe she is depressed etc too.

I am not desparate for the money but it is still a significant amount for me which I would like to have back. If I owed that amount I would be falling over myself to pay back asap. I just feel so resentful that our family - really the most vulnerable already - is being lumbered with this problem. To be honest, I feel furious that this is our responsibility too and in practical terms we get nothing from anyone else (except SIL as much as she can). MIL refuses to go to visit SIL although she would be welcome, is retired & could stay as long as she likes. I have said to DH that it may be that she has to go even if we put her on the plane ourselves....he has his limits.

DS is severely disabled, permanently unable to walk & has learning difficulties. I just feel that we can't take on any more, I hate myself for feeling like this towards MIL (I know she is frail, vulnerable & unhappy). DH's attitude is however that we should 'put up & shut up' as we really have no alternative. Sorry, this is a rant but I have to rant somewhere.

Oh my love - please do not beat yourself up any more. You have truly got enough on your plate. Your MIL seems to be extraordinarily selfish - but yes, the dementia could be playing a part.

Is there anyone who you could talk to - even a GP for some advice and recommendations?

I wish I could come up with some more constructive help - is it possible to talk to your SIL? Can you have a family discussion? This resentment will continue unless you air the problems.

I wish your DS a strong recovery. I also send very warm hugs in your direction. Please talk more here - rant more - or whatever you choose. We will be here. XX

LifeHope,

Both you and your DH seem wonderful. You shouldn't feel guilty at all! In fact you are being entirely rational for bringing this up, because your son's needs and MiL's needs will grow, not diminish with time. And something will have to give at some point - better to deal with it in a rational manner now then have a big blow up down the road when you and DH are completely burned out.

I would suggest that you let the £2k go, know it is hard, but think it might detract from the real issue which is that you and DH have to pretty much take care of MiL when there are other siblings who have fewer responsibilities than you two.

I think the discussion you and DH need to have is with his siblings, not MiL. Could you come to some agreement with the family that they all contribute a lump sum every year which will go towards getting household help for MiL? Someone who can spend maybe 2 hours every day with her, and take care of shopping, cleaning, laundry etc and generally providing some company so DH doesn't feel too guilty. That would be 14 hours a week, and in our part of the country cost 140 a week (don't know where you are), which is roughly £300 a month for BiL and SiL each.

Whatever you decide, please do not feel torn or guilty about how you are feeling. You are being down-to-earth and rational about your/DH's abilities to cope and the need to share family responsibilities.

Wishing all of you the very best. xx

I think a lot could be done for the MIL by a home help/carer, but often lots of 'ground work' has to be done in searching out help and putting it in place. You sound as if you would benefit from a home help yourself. Perhaps calling a few charities like Age UK or Alzheimers society might give information on what is available. Do consult a GP. It may become necessary in the future for DH to get power of attorney for MIL's affairs, and you need to keep an eye on her condition, especially if she is worrying the neighbours. I think having someone come to MILS home a few times a week would address some of the loneliness as well as help her at home.

I think you need to tackle the money situation now, before MIL gets confused and doesn't remember that she owes it. You could present it as needing to spend on things to make DS life easier. DH should accompany her to the bank/building society and not let her do it in her own time because she will forget about it.

It must be so difficult feeling torn trying to do the best for everyone and seemingly getting nowhere. I really hope that you can get the help you deserve. You can always rely on mumsnet to listen when things get bad. Take care and hope that DS recovers well.

Agree with finding out exactly what MIL is entitled to and claiming it. It may take a while/a few people but it will be so worth it. My mum has done this with my Grandpa and things are getting much better there. He has someone come in and clean his house once a week, someone wash him twice a week and some other bits and pieces.

I would also not write off the money. It was yours and she promised to pay it back. You cannot really demand or dictate what your dh does with his time in regards to helping her but that was your redundancy pay and therefore your business.

I also agree that both you and your dh sound amazingly lovely people. Best wishes for your ds and YADNBU.

Yanbu at all.

I think it may be beneficial to look for some external help with mil.

Fwiw I wouldn't write the 2k off. I would be trying to get it back. It's unfair for you to be told to write it off.

I think you should get that 2K back as quickly as poss by talking directly to your MIL in your DH's presence so they can make a trip to the bank or call the bank straight after you have spoken to her. Get the transfer done there and then.
You simply can not write off this amount of money.
Getting this paid back will even the playing field between you all so you can tackle the other problems without any resentment lurking in the background.

Theres some top advice here from folk suggesting getting help in for housework for your MIL.
You guys have way too much on your plate right now. Dont feel guilty. Its time to tell folk what they can do to help you.

While its all being sorted out - suggest that MIL can have just one day a week as laundry day a yours as a temp measure only.
Best of luck with everything.

oh gosh, I'm so sorry that you seem to have got an enormous amount on your plate at the moment OP.

I would suggest that the person you really feel the resentment towards is your DH. But of course that's hard, because he is being a saint in all this. But he is not protecting you (or, even, his son) by not being able to stand up to his mother. That's probably impossible to get your head around because he is being so wonderful to one and all, picking up the slack and jsut generally covering all round - to the point where he is running himself into the ground.

It is perfectly reasonable that you do not want her around at the moment. You do not want the added burden - it would be a burden on its own without the enormous difficulties you are facing re your son. Plus you lost your job in what sounds like unpleasant and very upsetting circumstances - these things take time to get over but you haven't had the chance as you have been backed up against a wall.

I would definitely talk to your GP about the pressures you are under - do you and MIL have the same GP? A good GP will recognise how difficult it is for you to make a stand and will hopefully sensitively encourage DH to not take so much on his shoulders. Some of us have deeply-held beliefs about family and it sounds like your DH's deep beliefs are running him into the ground. something's got to give here but DH is probably thinking that this time of intense pressure will pass - your son will get better from his op and the decks will be more clear to attend to his DM.

You probably feel intense resentment towards the family members who have abandoned you and DH at a time of great need. Resentment can be thoroughly exhausting - particularly at a time when you need your strength - and I do wonder if your situation is precisely the right one for a short course of counselling (the type GP surgeries offer) to get your priorities straight and, more importantly, to allow yourself the right to intense indignation at the tremendous weight on you and DH's shoulders at the mo. You say you feel guilty even voicing it - well, you need to voice it fully and properly; you owe it to yourself and your beleaguered immediate family.

I hope the responses on here have encouraged you OP, helped you to allow yourself the great resentment you are feeling at the moment - imo, fully acceptable and understandable in the circumstances. You are a human being OP and there is only so much a person can take without blowing. You need to blow imo - and how - but because of the situation it will need to be in a safe environment, removed from your immediate circle eg a GP, a counsellor, a professional eg age concern etc. Dare I say it, your herculian husband needs an outlet too..

Wishing you all the very best OP and a lightening recovery for your DS.

sorry about the terrible grammar - need to edit before posting

YANBU and I would like to send a big hug if it helps at all.

That said I am probably about to sound quite callous. You should definitely get your money back ASAP because if you do not it will just be lost within the entirety of your MIL's assets. This could affect her entitlement to benefits and would you really want DH's siblings to inherit a share of your money from the estate should she die?

By seeking outside help you would help to clarify to your DH and his siblings what support she really needs and what it costs in terms of time and money. Since you are close to hand and your DH is providing the practical support it would make sense to me that his siblings should contribute their share financially. If money is tight all round then perhaps an equity release scheme would make sense to keep her in her home while paying for care, but perhaps given her deteriorating mental state and loneliness some sort of assisted living flat would be more appropriate. It sounds like your DH and his siblings are a bit in denial and your MIL is probably only going to get worse. If you sort this out with DH's siblings now there is less chance of them accusing you of taking what they see as high handed decisions later on because they were not sufficiently aware of the reality of your MIL's condition.

Also make sure you are claiming everything you are entitled to for your DS as burnt out parents / carers are no good to anyone.

I think you need to talk to MIL yourself. Physically take her to the bank, or offer to go and get her cheque book and hand her the pan so that you get that money back. It's yours, you have every right to.

Plan to do it at the next earliest opportunity, next time you visit or she visits you, just do it and get that part of the problem out of the way. There is no way you should write it off. Look at it from the outside. Would you say a family who has to care for a disabled child and an elderly parent should be done out of £2000? You wouldn't because that could pay for you all to have a well earned break, it could pay for respite, it could pay for equipmant or specialist help your child needs. It could pay for councelling for you or your poor dh who are struggling. Or, it could just give you that extra bit of financial security, and if that's one thing that will make life just a tiny bit easier, you deserve it!

As for the washing and other practical help, you need to talk to your dh about this. Explain to him that you have a real, valid, and justified concern that he is going to burn out, and you can't take that risk because you and ds need him too much. Men are notorious for burying their heads in the sand until it's too late, ponit that out to him. Stress is a killer. Tell him you simply can't go on the way things are and something has to give. Maybe you could find other forms of support for his Mum, if she has money she should be paying for home help.

Lifehope, there are some really good suggestion here. Try not to think of getting extra assistance for MIL as giving up or not being good to her, because you have clearly done a massive amount. It can be easier for others who aren't emotionally attached to care for those with dementia, and thus family can enjoy their time with the relative rather than just seeing them as a drain on their resources and time.

Re: MIL's possible depression, would now be a good time to get her medication reviewed if she is taking any. There are medications with anti depressant and anti anxiety functions, which may be of great benefit to her.

Thanks all of you for your thoughtfulness, sympathy and genuinely helpful advice. I am worried that I have made my MIL out to be some kind of ogre...this is where I fear that maybe I ABU. She is unhappy lonely & confused and (I am sure) worried about DS condition.

I am worried that I am projecting much of my anger & fear at the whole situation I am in, it is hard to think clearly. There are so many things/people to be angry with; I am upset that BIL has not been in touch as I know DH is unhappy about this although BiL was told about DS's op. With several honourable exceptions, I feel largely unsupported & very lonely.

I just feel we have enough problems & can't deal with any more; someone somewhere must step in. SIL is coming over (for the 3rd time this year though she has own demands/job/DC), I believe this will be a good time to have a 'family conference' & deal with some of these issues. I think I will tackle the money issue though not right now while DS is still recovering.....may leave it till SiL is over & try to get her on side. To leave it may mean being permanently resentful which is good for nobody concerned.

Our GP visited DS today & will try to get a community nurse to help us with washing/changing him which would help a lot.

I appreciate all your kind words about me though i think I am not exceptional & understand my 'uncharitable' side only too well. When I have seen my 9 year old, disabled DC sobbing in pain it is really hard to take many of other people's problems seriously.....find myself being quite cold & disdainful if I do not deem them sufficiently serious. This is a side of myself I do not like.

DH elbowed me aside this evening whilst changing DS's incontinence pad. Apparently I am 'more of a hindrance than a help'. That is one of my roles you see; to soak up excessive blame (like a large oversized sponge) and to be a scapegoat for his negative feelings about the situation he is in, just as MiL is for mine. Most things that DH is frustrated by fall within the 'my fault' remit these days.

My sister thinks that my life is so challenging that it is borderline ridiculous & I should write a book about it. She is coming to see us tomorrow to see for herself how we live. I am going to retire for the night now; not on a bed like normal people but on the floor to ensure that DS does not fall out of his bed in his hip brace and damage himself. I have let DH have the bed tonight so that he gets at least one decent night's sleep and does not have a total meltdown. So tonight I will not be 'doing' sleep.

oh dear things are very difficult for you

i can understand why you are feeling resentful towards you MIL, you dh has other priorities and of course the money should be paid back. but these are practical issues that can be dealt with

now for you i certainly would be angry, resentful towards others and hurting if my son was in such pain it just doesn't seem fair, it's not fair and it is easy to focus it on someone or something else, yes others have let you down and you have a right to feel upset. you have such a lot to contend with, there is nothing wrong in feeling everything is jsut too much, feeling angry, hurt, resentful and sounds like your dh is feeling the same

i really wish for your ds to make a quick recovery from his operation it must be horrendously hard to see your son in such pain and also for you (and maybe your dh) some counselling, some time jsut for you to talk over how you feel and to let those horrible feelings out so you can deal with them and they do not just fester all this does is bring you down

look after yourself

OP, have you had a full assessment of need for you, your DH and DS, have you everything in place available?

Your MIL needs support as well.

As you probably know, you can self refer via careline for both.

Your DC comes first but you have to remember that in the normal scheme of things it is natural to want to care for an aging parent, as your DH is doing.
He has to realise that he isn't superman, though.

"He has to realise that he isn't superman, though."

As do you OP! There you are, an honourable woman doing a superhuman job, taking on more, wondering if you have given enough back for what has been given to you... then berating yourself that, full to the very brim that you are, you have noticed you have short patience with extras.

Give yourself a break!!

YOu are suffering the agony of not only a severely disabled child but said child in great pain because of surgery; a husband who is, in your words, practically hallucinating due to lack of sleep and the enormous pressure on you both at the moment (a husband who is snapping at you because of the immense strain you are both under); a MIL who is dependent, frightened, lonely, losing her marbles a bit; a MIL who owes you a lot of money that you have had to fight to get back; an extended family who have been conspicuously absent in your hour of need. Plus a job that ended badly, and a new job at which you have to be on your best behaviour to ensure it continues.

And you wonder why the cracks are beginning to show??

My dear, you are under enormous pressure and the uncontrollable resentment is a symptom of that. Please, stop berating yourself, stop tallying what you owe other people - draw a line, cancel the debt. The reason you have short shrift for others' problems is because you have too many of your own: there's only so much a human being can take and you are reaching your absolute limit. YOur husband is 'taking out' on you (I doubt he's doing it consciously) the immense pressure he feels; you are consciensciously, and privately, 'taking it out' on other people, instinctively aware that you can't take it out on him or the whole shebang will implode.

OP, get along to a counsellor where you can let rip. You absolutely need to - the pressure of your situation has to have an outlet. Give yourself a break - you're a good woman but you don't need to hold up the petty injustices of the world. Be a bit bad!

I hope, despite all, you get a decent night's sleep (HUG)