I feel so resentful & can't seem to do anything to stop it

[LifeHope11]

Here is my situation: my 9 yo DS is severely disabled & has recently had surgery to correct bone deformities. He is just home from hospital & we (DH & I) are caring for him, he is in a cast from waist to foot. The only help we have been provided with to care for him is a hoist & sling which we can't use as he is in too much pain. DH has to sleep on the floor next to him as he can't be left alone (I have the bed as I am back at work - can't get any further time off as I have a new job). Last night DH was practically hallucinating with fatigue, I offered to sleep on the floor tonight instead but he said no need.

My problem is that I find myself feeling resentful towards my MIL & don't know what to do about it. I feel guilty even writing about this.....I am having to write this in secret as I don't know where the anger can go otherwise. She recently moved to be near us - her decision not ours. Basically, she is lonely and unhappy & wants to be near us as we are the only family nearby. I feel she has not thought through the expectations of what we can realistically do to support her.

DH has been doing a lot for her recently - drives her where she wants to go, takes her shopping. He also has been doing her laundry & this is making me so upset as it is not just a few items (which I would have no problem with) but a regular full load or more. This is at a time when DS is recovering from his op, is doubly incontinent and we get through a ton of laundry of our own -3 soiled sheets in the last 24 hours for example. When I came home from work & saw her stuff hanging on the line it made me so angry.

I am not proud of feeling like this, I know she is unhappy & vulnerable & also getting elderly & frail. I absolutely want her to feel she is part of the family. I also have to acknowledge that she has helped us out in the past & still helps us occasionally - she may mind DS for the odd hour so DH can pop out. But I think we easily do just as much to reciprocate (mostly DH but me also - on plenty of occasions though too many to go into here). Basically, I feel anxious for DH and feel he is taking on too much, that everyone has their limits & he is reaching his. I know he feels caught in the middle, if I protest that he is doing too much he gets frustrated & takes it out on me. There are no other family members to help out, SIL is sympathetic & supportive, does what she can but lives half way round the world as does BIL who however does not seem to want to know. Other family members likewise live abroad & are too unable/unwilling/elderly to be of any help. So overwhelmingly it falls to DH.

For example: before she moved she went abroad to stay with relations. While she was there & her house purchase was going through, a bill needed to be paid in a hurry & she was not in the country to access her money. I was asked if I could pay it (approx 5000 pounds) for her as I had recently been made redundant & had received a lump sum of compensation. I agreed to do it but on the clear understanding that it would be paid back at the earliest convenient opportunity. I made clear that I did not even consider it a loan as such but was just facilitating a transaction and that I expected to be paid back. I was accordingly assured that I would be. Well, that was in January....it is now August and I haven't had all the money back & don't think I will. I have had to chase & beg & remind her (via DH) to pay back some of the money. Now DH thinks we should just write off the rest (2000 pounds) as 'she has done so much for us' (although I really feel that we or rather DH does at least as much for her).

It is not the money so much as the principle - I have no objection to being generous & have previously volunteered that we pay towards MIL treats, holidays etc.. But this money was a big chunk of my redundancy pay, and the redundancy was traumatic, not straightforward at all. I fought hard for that money & wanted to use it as I saw fit to secure our future, it really rankles with me that the decision was taken out of my hands.

I am feeling really put upon and resentful. I just want to be left alone to care for DS and for us (DH & myself) to support each other in caring for him. I don't expect anything from anyone but I feel that too much is being asked of us.

Sleep deprivation is horrendous. It's torture.
You sound exhausted.

Some practicalities
Have you got a campbed? Or one of those pop up bed panels?
Order one off the internet for next day delivery.

Does GP need to increase pain med.

Can you hire a night nurse just for a few days so you get sleep.

Your DH is wrong to tell you to forget the money - tho I appreciate he's too stressed right now to think straight. It sounds like he can't deal with sick child and sick mum. But you need to get this money, then to get her go to start assessment, and get some legal thing in place before she gets worse. Surely cab can help on the details.

I feel for you.

Also: www.carersuk.org/ are a fantastic organisation.

You are doing all the right things - keep communicating with your GP and get every ounce of help you can muster.

Please let us know here when it all gets too much - don't for a moment worry 'how you sound' - you are coping with an extraordinary situation.

I echo what others have said up thread and send you a big hug. It sounds like an extremely challenging situation and my heart goes out to you all. Great advice re: MIL. Can your gp perhaps get an occupational therapist to come and see if there us anything they can offer, sometimes they have amazing solutions. Does your son have adequate pain relief and muscle relaxants that might make him more comfortable? Could you put his mattress on the floor so you don't have to worry about him falling out? I hope hd recovers quickly and you get support when your SIL comes. In the meantime rant away on here.

Well my sister came today as planned, brought lunch things etc....she was worried about us esp DS as was the only family member able/willing to visit DS in hospital & saw the pain he was in. I was so pleased to see her as don't see my family that often, we are all so busy.

Then MiL turned up unexpected/announced & I was just so angry all over again. She frequently does this & in fact previously just let herself into our house (as DH gave her a key), didn't knock just walked in when I was there. I have discussed with DH and asked him to tell her to call before coming so we can let her know if it is OK. So these conversations have happened & have all come to nothing. I was pretty cold to her short of being rude....she stayed approx 1 hour then left.

Anyway, my sister went home & then DH said he was going to MIL's house to 'sort her rubbish out' & came back approx 1 hour later. He asked me if I was cross about Mil coming over, I said yes as we had previously had the conversation on this. DH then said to the effect 'what can I do, this is just the way things are', I said that yes there is something you can do ie get any Social Services help going for Mil. DH accused me of making difficulties & why can I not just support him. I said that yes I did support him I was just worried about him because he had too much on his place. On what grounds could he think I was not supportive? His response: 'No, you're not supportive, you just make problems & moan all the time. I am supportive to you, I did you a favour by letting your sister visit'. My response: why is it deemed a favour to have my sister make one of her very occasional visits? Anyway a row ensued culminating in me stomping upstairs to the parting shot of 'stupid cow'. Luckily DS was asleep during all this.

I am not surprised you are feeling angry and resentful. Could it be that your DH is using your MIL as a form of escapism from dealing with the emotional drain and exhaustion of caring for your son? I don't think you can let him carry on acting out on you in this way and shutting you and your family out.

Would it be possible to persuade him to do something non caring related when you come in from work sometimes to get him back in touch with normality a bit and to give you a chance to care for your DS without him looking over you? In other words try to create some distance and perspective.

Does he have any sport or other hobby he could reconnect with?

OP-you need counselling.

TBH it is your DH's choice how much he does for his mum, unfortunately, you have all been put into a life where 'things are the way they are'.

Communication seems to be breaking down, you both need to work on getting it back.

Thanks for your responses....so much appreciated as ever and it is helpful to get perspectives on this situation that would not otherwise have thought of. There are very few people w whom I can discuss these issues, it sounds like gossiping about my family & 'slagging MiL off'. I know it sounds selfish - it IS selfish - but I do not want ANYONE even close family treating our home as an extension of their own. Selfish or not, I think that my wanting these house rules for my home is an excellent reason for complying with them.

howabout: I think there is something in what you say re MiL care as escapism & sometimes I feel very shut out. I know it is the stress that makes DH (& me) act like this but I fiercely resent being treated as if I am part of the problem & a convenient receptacle for outpour from said stress. Nobody would be more delighted than me if he said he wanted to go shopping/to the gym/pub with friends, I would be happy to mind DS for hours to enable him to do that. This way I just feel resentful as I know he is acting as MiL's personal chauffeur/cleaner/concierge service then comes home & cares for DS. He will burn out & I will have to pick up the pieces.

Birdsgottafly - agree that counselling would be v helpful in facilitating better communication between DH & self- if I can persuade him to go & if we can make time for it in, shall we say, our tight schedule. I think we will have to grit our teeth & get on with it at least in the short term until DS is better. Don't think I can face a showdown just now with the possible consequences.

OP you wanting your DH to force your MIL into complying with your rules, is wrong. if she is confused and vunerable. I don't know if you are looking for control where you can, in response to your DC's condition, that would be understandable.

Your DH may be feeling traped between the devil and the deep blue sea.

The only thing that i can say is that the situation with your MIL will come to ahead. If she or your DC becomes ill, even with a bad cold, he cannot be in two places at once or put either of them at risk, if say, your MIL gets a chest infection over winter. He will have to seek outside help.

Sometimes you have to live day by day and not try to plan ahead, to far, until time passes.

It is understandable that things are strained, your not having any fun together. 80% of marriages break up after a DC becomes disabled, it is hard going. Good luck.

Birdsgottafly: there may be something in what you say about wanting control....I do believe though that I am also genuinely concerned about DH's well being. He has taken MiL to the DIY shop today because she wants a curtain pole, I know who will be buying it, carrying it up the stairs to her room and probably (though he won't admit it to me) installing it.

I know he feels trapped as do I.....maybe he is right & I should just knuckle under & accept nothing is going to change? We can ask for Social Services help though I believe there is very little out there.

If only he had told me he wanted to go out just to have some space/do something he enjoyed I would have been so pleased, would look after DS all day if it was good for his well being.

If MiL became ill I believe he would look after her & I would be here looking after DS. Obviously in such a crisis this is the kind of thing we would have to do; however at the moment I believe we (DH & I) should be focused on our DS & for DS's sake, as his carers looking after own well being.

Can your MIL afford to pay for some home help? The starting point is surely to get her assessed, if it is dementia then she may start to deteriorate rapidly at some point, or in little bursts etc.

I really feel for your situation, the lack of sleep alone is such a killer

I feel for you.

Ultimately though this about your DH and you not being on the same page re what and who needs prioritising.

In your opinion - and mind too - your son should be taking priority. Your DH does not have the resources - mental, financial, washing machine-wise - to put so much effort into looking after his mother at the moment.

I would be quite furious with my DH if he suggested writing off MY redundancy money.

Your anger should be going towards your DH. He is the only person who can change how he spends his time and resources and who he prioritises.

OP have you had a full assessment for your needs? I take it that your DS is in SEN and you get all that you are entitled to.

There is help available for your MIL, but your DH will still want to do some things for her, she is his DM, after all.

Any help is means tested, so some may have to be contributed towards.

You may not see her as immediate family but she is, to your DH. I think that counselling would help with the feelings of resentment.

Has this come to ahead because your DS is off school?

Maybe DH could give you the £2000 out of his money if he is happy to write it off?

Birdsgottafly: yes, we have had a needs assessment for DS as he has SEN.....MiL is a different matter, I think that DH & SiL should explore what is available.

TheOriginalFAB: DH has offered to give me money if I want it but in the end it is still 'our' money. I have worked & saved over the years to get reasonably financially secure, have recently had months of unemployment & insecurity & worry that I might not get another job & our home etc may be at risk. It is not that I want the money for myself to buy myself treats with....we may need it for the future & I want to save/invest my hard earned money as I see fit, for the whole family & for DS's future.

It is not that I do not consider MiL part of the family, of course she is. Eg (just one example only) she is coming around to have dinner with us this evening & that is absolutely fine, is a regular occurrence & I have absolutely no problem with that & indeed am pleased to have her. Of course DH will want to do things for her, that is fine too. I consider her family, want to continue to be pleased to see her & not resent her. But yes I think this has come to a head after DS's op. as this is a crisis time for us. I am afraid that if a very close family member (however close) was in our shoes, had a disabled DC who was recovering from major surgery, there is NO WAY that any family member should be asking for help with DIY, laundry & other non urgent issues. Readers: if a close member of your family was going through this, would you really ask them to take you shopping for a curtain pole? I would feel just as resentful if it was my own DM etc. expecting things like this. Emergencies, of course, are another matter & we should do what we can to help out.

OP - no, I wouldn't ask what your MIL is asking under the same circs (if ever).

BUT you are missing the point IMO. Your anger needs to be directed at your DH. He doesn't need to say yes just because he's asked. And frankly, he should have made damn sure his mother repaid you in full. I would be very embarrassed if my DH lent a big sum of money to one of my relatives and they never paid him back. I would be MAKING them pay him back. You don't need to justify what you need the money for. It's your money. You were clear it's a loan.

Your DH needs to start backing up his wife here IMO.

supercal is spot on.

Also, what was that about him elbowing you aside and calling you useless?

Did he really, physically elbow you aside?

It sounds like he treats you quite badly while he goes about feeling like a martyr.

OP-if your MIL has dementia, she will not rationalise what she is asking and it would be a waste of time trying to explain it.

Is what your DH is doing for his mum impacting on your DS's care?

If it honestly is then it is time for a talk.
Are you both using this as a focus, have you discussed how you feel about your DS's diagnosis and what he is going through?

MiL came for dinner this evening, stayed a couple of hours and went home. All fine.

However we just had a call from her (at 10:45 this evening!) because she is convinced s.o. has broken into her house as she can 'hear noises'; wants DH to go round and check. DH became agitated due to stress, raised voice & I was worried DS would wake up (we have only just managed to get him off to sleep due to pain he is in).

I am just ranting here, as some of you kind contributors suggested I do. Situation with DS is distressing but I am coping. Situation with MiL makes me just want to explode. This is all wrong.

But LifeHope, what are you going to do about it?

Has your DH gone round there?

Are you going to talk to him about how this is - reasonably IMO - stressing you out?

Your husband needs to tell your mum that all trips to B&Q,help with laundry, puting out the bins etc are OFF FOR THE TIME BEING, on account of your sick child.

Ask her NOT to drop in at the moment.Take back your key.

He has one last trip to take her - to the bank to get your £2000

You showed great strength of character in not wrapping the curtain pole round both their necks

I think he enjoys his role as the martyr, to be honest. Only he can deal with all this - does he think he has super powers?

Your MIL needs residential care of some kind - either sheltered housing or a home. I'm sorry to say this, but you absolutely have your own hands full with your son and he has to come first. If you have any energy left after dealing with your son, it should be spent on you have some quality of life.

Get your SIL over. Get her onside. I know it's difficult for her hearing about things and being unable to help but ultimately she's not the one being constantly badgered by her mother.

I think your husband was completely out of order saying he'd let you have your sister there. Do you then let him have his mother there? He needs to have a good long think about things if he thinks that is doing you a favour.

Ohh just realised this is an old thread.

Hi Imperial and thank you - yes it is an old thread - but you have done me a favour in that it has reminded me just how bad things were last year. I can't really believe what we went through and we just can't go back there.

Coincidentally I have another thread in 'Relationships' on related topic.
MIL is staying with SIL several months and SIL is experiencing just how bad things have got, I think she is really upset. MIL is coming back later in the year, we are having to try to get a care plan/care home in place before her return as we just can't come back to what was there before. To cut a long story short: DH will have to travel out (12 hour flight)to collect MIL and bring her home, so bang go any holiday plans this year. After that heaven only knows what will happen, I am scared of being back where we were before, nearly had a breakdown.

AIBU to feel angry, resentful and apprehensive?

I've just realised this is an old thread but hope you are ok. I remember reading some of your problems on relationships and think you must be a saint, I don't think I could cope with everything you have.

I don't think you can go back to where you have been before. I would start looking now at care packages or homes for your MIL. If she has dementia she is not going to get better and really it is probably not doing her any favours to be trying to cope on her own. I know it is not nice to have to put someone into a home but you can have a look and find one you are happy with. I think this would be an enormous weight off your mind. Also hopefuly if your DH is not having to cope with his mothers issues daily he can offer you more support with your son.
I do feel you must prioritise yourself and your son in this issue. Also did you manage to sort out your job situation?