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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not being married yet?

39 replies

YouDoTheMath · 04/08/2011 10:04

I occasionally meet for lunch with a former colleague.

She's nice company on the whole, although she's much older than me and has extremely old-fashioned views.

DP and I are not yet married and have a DD. For some reason it really bugs her that we're not married, and every time we meet she interrogates me about exactly when we're planning to do the "honourable thing".

We're engaged, and currently expecting DC 2, but I have no intention of rushing down the aisle complete with huge bump. We're quite content with the idea of doing it in our own time.

I understand that some people do feel strongly about marriage, and in an ideal world I'd have preferred to have been married before we had children - but it didn't work out that way. And given that DP's mother is a staunch Catholic and even SHE has the decency not to bang on about it, I don't see why an ex-colleague feels entitled to pile on the pressure.

Oh, and she also said (long before I had children) about another unmarried couple who were expecting their first: "They'll start calling them little bastards again, you mark my words!"

Confused
OP posts:
HandMini · 04/08/2011 10:05

What rubbish. Do any of your other friends feel this way (or at least are rude enough to tell you they feel this way)? I think she is in a very small minority for our generation.

scurryfunge · 04/08/2011 10:07

Just ask her if she means to come across as so offensive?

Original poster
YouDoTheMath · 04/08/2011 10:08

No, they don't! She is very forthright and outspoken. I tend to deal with her as calmly as possible and not get into a debate, but it still irks me for ages after I've seen her as I just wouldn't have the nerve to question someone else like that.

OP posts:
Mitmoo · 04/08/2011 10:08

She is extremely old fashioned, bigoted and rude. How dare she refer to a child like that to anyone, never mind the mother of a child who was born out of wedlock, to coin another old fashioned phrase.

Original poster
YouDoTheMath · 04/08/2011 10:11

Mitmoo you're not wrong. She emailed the other day saying she wants to catch up but I'm quite tempted to ignore...

OP posts:
HowlingBitch · 04/08/2011 10:14

He seems fine to me!

Bonsoir · 04/08/2011 10:19

Why don't you tell her, politely, that you find her opinions outdated and her terminology offensive?

Original poster
YouDoTheMath · 04/08/2011 10:28

HowlingBitch :)

Bonsoir Yes, I will man up and tell her. I just know she'll argue back though. At least she'll roll her eyes in that "You know nothing, I know everything" kind of way.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 04/08/2011 10:29

Maybe she is no longer worth bothering with? I find my tolerance for people with über retro views on lifestyle choices gets lower by the year!

Original poster
YouDoTheMath · 04/08/2011 10:31

It's very tempting to call it a day. But do you tell them, or just ignore their messages?

OP posts:
nocake · 04/08/2011 10:32

She's a loon, and an offensive one. Ask her what it's like living in the 1950s and recommend that she move to the 21st century.

Bonsoir · 04/08/2011 10:33

It can be hard getting rid of acquaintances you have outgrown, I agree. Never call her and be too busy to meet up when she suggests it?

Deflatedballoonbelly · 04/08/2011 10:36

Why do you meet with her? Bigoted old boot.
If its hard to get out of it, piss her off so she wont want to meet you anymore Grin pull her up on her gruesome attitude about little bastards and then regale her of some boring stories of what yours has been up to.

KeepingUpWithTheCojones · 04/08/2011 10:36

ah I know that look, the 'you don't know, you haven't lived' look.

I'd give her a fair warning, something along the lines of 'I don't agree, I find your views offensive, please don't talk about this in front of me'. Don't worry about being rude - she's clearly not!

Then, if she doesn't listen, cut/phase her out.

solidgoldbrass · 04/08/2011 10:37

'Did you mean to sound so rude?' is often a good one, but if this woman has been persistently rude to you, then she is aware that she is being rude and doesn't care. I would also advise just letting the acquaintanceship fade away or, if you have to see her for any reason and she starts up again, look her in the eye and say. 'I find your remarks offensive. How I run my life is none of your business.' and firmly change the subject.

bananasplitz · 04/08/2011 10:44

technically she is correct, your children are illegitimate

but if you and your partner are happy with that, thats all that matters

Original poster
YouDoTheMath · 04/08/2011 10:49

Yes, technically illegitimate - but would people really revert back to using 'bastards'?

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 04/08/2011 10:58

Really? I thought that there was no longer such a thing as an illegitimate child.

ZillionChocolate · 04/08/2011 10:58

Tell her you plan to marry when DC2 is 10. Might shut her up for a few years.

fastweb · 04/08/2011 11:01

but would people really revert back to using 'bastards'?

Given how many people have children born outside of marriage these days it would be like waving a red flag at an army of bulls, and then looking surprised when you got trampled. So I'm guessing no, it won't come back into fashion.

I have no moral preference for marriage, but I'm not sure all who cohabit, (with or without children from the relationship), realize that they might be at something of a serious disadvantage compared to a married partner, in the case of a split.

My SIL got a horrible shock when my brother left her at 8 and half months pregnant with a 2 yo to boot. As did I because I wasn't married either and couldn't believe how different the laws were between married and non married partners.

BaronessBomburst · 04/08/2011 11:07

Have you tried asking exactly why it's such a big deal to her, and why she feels it to be so important? My grandmother and great aunt had issues with my DB and SIL not being married (they still aren't) and having 2 DCs. They kept saying it was such a pity that the children were bastards. I asked them why - did they feel that DB and SIL were less committed? No. Did they worry that DN would not be entitled to inherit his father's lands and estates? Er, no, what estates and it's not the 15th century. Do you question their parentage? No. Turned out they were only embarrassed that other people would refer to them as bastards and were worried about the children being ashamed. Now they've accepted that times have changed they're quite chilled with it. They're 91 BTW.

Thistledew · 04/08/2011 11:08

How about every time she mentions it, pretend that she has just offered to pay for it herself:

"So when are you going to get married then?" - "You will pay for it? How kind of you to offer"

"They will call them little bastards soon" - "Well, I thought that a simple veil would do, but if you insist paying for on a 6 foot train I won't say no"

If you think the friendship is otherwise worth sustaining, bamboozle her with randomness.

Original poster
YouDoTheMath · 04/08/2011 11:12

fastweb Oh yes, I realise the laws are different.

OP posts:
ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 04/08/2011 11:32

YANBU I'd reply to the email saying that I was deciding whether I still wanted to be friends with someone who was so offensive and bigoted and wouldn't stop banging on about something that was none of their business.

moonbells · 04/08/2011 11:40

Just say you're waiting for the children to be old enough to be flowergirls/pages
(Given you say you've a bump, that should give a few year's grace)

Or after the same time Dame Jenni Murray was with her DP before they got married (23 years)

If you aren't intending to marry, please do make sure you both have wills to minimise tax hits...

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