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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For not being married yet?

39 replies

YouDoTheMath · 04/08/2011 10:04

I occasionally meet for lunch with a former colleague.

She's nice company on the whole, although she's much older than me and has extremely old-fashioned views.

DP and I are not yet married and have a DD. For some reason it really bugs her that we're not married, and every time we meet she interrogates me about exactly when we're planning to do the "honourable thing".

We're engaged, and currently expecting DC 2, but I have no intention of rushing down the aisle complete with huge bump. We're quite content with the idea of doing it in our own time.

I understand that some people do feel strongly about marriage, and in an ideal world I'd have preferred to have been married before we had children - but it didn't work out that way. And given that DP's mother is a staunch Catholic and even SHE has the decency not to bang on about it, I don't see why an ex-colleague feels entitled to pile on the pressure.

Oh, and she also said (long before I had children) about another unmarried couple who were expecting their first: "They'll start calling them little bastards again, you mark my words!"

OP posts:

Dysgu · 04/08/2011 11:52

DP's family is religious and has religious beliefs about marriage and children outside wedlock. His dad is a vicar, his BIL is a pastor and many friends are missionaries around the world - whilst DP and I have 2DDs, are not married, do not go to church, (I am an atheist and DP believes in God but not organised religion) children are not christened etc etc. Generally they have no problem with the way in which we choose to live our lives - although I insist that we stay in a hotel whenever we go to visit as we all feel more comfortable that way!

I think, personally, that his mum simply pretends we are married! Whenever the topic comes up - usually in church when we are attending a cousin's wedding or something, my usual reply is "Oh, the only trouble is that every time we discuss getting married I end up getting pregnant again!" It usually ends the subject!

kiki22 · 04/08/2011 12:05

Can anyone tell me what are the draw backs to not being married? We are not married and i worry about what would happen if we split!

fastweb · 04/08/2011 12:16

kiki22

There is a lot of information on this site

YouDoTheMath

Then I don't know what she is banging on at you about, really in this day and age, other than gently bringing up the potential differences between married or not in the case of a split, what is there to say ? There isn't the same sociatal perception of the legal status being some kind of moral choice any more.

AliGrylls · 04/08/2011 12:27

Once you have children with someone and are in a committed relationship you are IMO as good as married. Although the only I don't quite understand is why people don't want to get that piece of paper which says you are married because then it makes things much easier legally if anything were to happen to one of you.

Original poster

YouDoTheMath · 04/08/2011 12:50

fastweb I mean she's banging on in that she's judgemental that we've gone against the grain that existed in her day. She's not a Catholic herself, but she's married to one. She's not even a churchgoer - but she's got these old-fashioned standards that she thinks everyone else should adhere to.

OP posts:

kiki22 · 04/08/2011 13:06

Fastweb - thanks never planned on gettin married as we were told we had only a 1% chance of concieving now im in that lucky 1% don't know where i stand!!

fastweb · 04/08/2011 13:14

but she's got these old-fashioned standards that she thinks everyone else should adhere to.

Or she enjoys any old excuse going to bang on at people. Doesn't seem to be a huge shortage of those types .

Has she adotoped any more recent social norms herself ? Might be worth playing her at her own game.

Original poster

YouDoTheMath · 04/08/2011 13:29

Well, she is one of those people who "always has something to say", and it's usually not very nice.

As for her own social norms, I'll have to think. She is VERY old fashioned, to the extent that it's quite odd. She's slightly younger than my mum, but you'd think you were talking to someone forty years older. It's like being back in the fifties when you hear her speak (not that I was around to know what it was like, but you know what I mean!). She seems to think everyone else is an idiot.

OP posts:

VeronicaCake · 04/08/2011 13:57

YANBU for not getting married. That is a personal choice and your friend is being rude.

But Fastweb is right to point out that cohabiting couples have far fewer legal protections than married couple especially in the event of a split and that often (but not always) it is the female partner who loses out on property rights. There are things you can do to protect your interests and those of your partner and children (make sure you share legal title in your property and that you are both contributing to the mortgage repayments, get wills drawn up professionally specifying that the home is to be held on trust for your partner in the event of your death and vice versa).

We got married for the wholly unromantic reason that if we were to have kids divorce is less likely to lead to intractable disputes over property than trying to allocate interests when cohabitees split. But I am a lawyer and I lived through my parents divorce both of which coloured my views highly!

kiki22 · 04/08/2011 14:04

Unless you live in Scotland... i've just read about 'the family law Scotland act 2006' which gives more rights. i'm no lawyer but us Scots seem to have it better than South of the border.

fastweb · 04/08/2011 14:07

She seems to think everyone else is an idiot.

She sounds adorable.

Any chance of wriggling out of any future lunches ? A chronic case of indigestion perhaps ?

kenobi · 04/08/2011 14:12

You don't have to tell her to fuck off with her bigoted views, in RL being that forthright is rarely useful, but you can say "Hi rudefriend, it would be lovely to meet but I warn you I'm not interested in talking about or when I'm getting married. I won't enter into any discussions, sorry!" or along those lines.

She doesn't sound like much fun though - why are you friends? What do you get out of it? If the pluses outweigh the minuses go for it, if they don't then just ignore. Or if that's too harsh, just say you're really busy with work, child and second pregnancy and you'll be in touch. Then just don't get in touch.

sittinginthesun · 04/08/2011 14:20

I agree - she is bigotted, and it is absolutely none of her business. Just ignore her.

Mind you, I am in favour of marriage generally. I have seen people get themselves in a real mess when they split/die and aren't married. A friend of mine is currently splitting from her partner (not married and one child). She is being left homeless, with no capital. Complete nightmare.

And then there's the tax savings if you die - spouses/civilpartners have the option of transferring the Nil Rate Band on second death, which can save a lot of tax. Not romantic, but certainly worth bearing in mind.

Ephiny · 04/08/2011 14:26

She sounds very rude and quite odd. If she has traditional view on no children before marriage, she has every right to insist on that for herself. But how does what you do affect her? I really don't get why she would particularly care, at least not to the point of going on and on about it every time she sees you [confusion].

She doesn't sound very nice really...

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