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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my SiL & Brother should say 'thanks' for having the children?

48 replies

FlamingFanjo · 03/08/2011 17:00

Ok, I know this sounds petty so completely expect to get flamed but..

My brother works at a private school and he gets to place them for a reduction of the cost.

The only problem (for them) is that they have long summer holidays. He still has to work at the school & SiL works as a carer with funny hours.

For the last 3 years my Mum has had them for a week & then I've had them for a week, which helps them out and gives them a bit of a break.

I run a (very)small business and I have to take a week off work to have them. My DP also takes some days off and we all go out. This time we've been to the beach, the zoo, the Winchester science museum, ridden on a steam train, out for tea, made cakes, made some jewellery.....etc etc. It cost quite alot to do nice things (which I want to) & feed them for a week.

It would just be really nice if he could pick up the phone and 'thanks for that, it's really helped us out'. I don't want him to bow and scrape, but I'd really appreciate it. The girls go home and I don't hear from them until the next time.

As I said, sounds petty, but it would mean alot to me

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 03/08/2011 17:02

Sounds only reasonable - I thank my parents for looking after ds...

BooyHoo · 03/08/2011 17:03

yanbu at all!! what sort of people think it is ok to ask someone to have your children for a week without showing any gratitude? that is quite shocking that they haven't said thank you. i know if it was my sister, she would have had a huge bunch of flowers and i'd have taken her (and partner if there was one) out for dinner.

itisnearlysummer · 03/08/2011 17:03

Er, it doesn't sound petty. I think it's perfectly reasonable for them to thank you for having their children.

muminthemiddle · 03/08/2011 17:03

Yes they should thank you. You are doing them a huge favour.

Lizzylou · 03/08/2011 17:06

Blimey! My Mom has our boys for this week. We are getting her wine (she'll bloody need it!), vouchers and bringing some posh lunch food for Saturday to all share.
I have been calling her every evening thanking her, she's done us a massive favour and is giving our boys a fab time.

YANBU

HerHissyness · 03/08/2011 17:11

YANBU, get them some leaflets from Koosa or similar in future, it'd be cheaper than you taking a week off work!

God I thank my mum when she has DS for a saturday morning!

Belini · 03/08/2011 17:11

YANBU I couldn't imagine not saying thankyou to someone who had looked after any of my children for any length of time. Its just plain bad manners is what it is what it is.

Rhinestone · 03/08/2011 17:14

Wow, what rude people! Simple answer OP, don't do it next year. You will have something else on.

Teachermumof3 · 03/08/2011 17:16

Of course you are not being unreasonable.

This isn't solely aimed at you, OP-but also to other people who end up in predicaments like this; I don't understand how they happen!?

At which point do you agree to something which is untenable? Did your brother say 'Can you have the kids x week?' and you replied 'yes, that's fine' whilst really thinking-what a bloody cheek? Why didn't you say 'No, I can' do that-as I would have to take a week off work?' If anyone has to take a week or work, it should be THEIR mum!? If you aren't happy that they don't say thank you (and you know this as you've done it before) then don't do it again? I certainly wouldn't take them on expensive days out!

Original poster
FlamingFanjo · 03/08/2011 17:21

Thanks everyone....I'm happy to have them, but just a 'thanks' would be nice. Last time they stayed he rang the girls up and took the piss out of me!

Family eh?!

OP posts:
Rhinestone · 03/08/2011 17:23

Just stop! No more! Phone him up and tell him you're giving him a year's notice that he has to make alternative arrangements.

blackeyedsusan · 03/08/2011 17:25

next time he rings the girls up and takes the piss... tell him that he could always have the girls and arrange child care as he is so ungrateful!

yanbu...

Jux · 03/08/2011 17:25

Well, they're ungrateful buggers aren't they? Do they thank your mum? I would be sorely tempted to be unavailable next time, to let them know that you have to take time off work and so on, and at some point during the ensuing (no doubt spoilt complaining about you letting them down) mention that at thank you never ever goes amiss.

I'm sure you will have them, every time, because you love them and like having them, so your dear entitled bro and wife will carry on regardless. Unless you actually say something to him.

Original poster
FlamingFanjo · 03/08/2011 17:27

@Teachermumof3 What happens is they ring my Mum and tell her when they're off (bloody 8 weeks or so) and then she calls me and says, "right, what week do you want to have them?" as we live closer.

I do nice things with them for a number of reasons; 1, if I'm having a week off, I want to enjoy it too; 2, I want them to feel have happy memories of being with us; 3, I can't bear them moping around saying 'I'm bored!'.

I don't see them very often and want to make a bit of an effort for them. I don't begrudge it, but a 'thank you' would be lovely

OP posts:
Rhinestone · 03/08/2011 17:29

So next year when your Mum says, "right, what week do you want to have them?" you reply,

"Oh, I can't this year. As you know, I have to take time off work and I can't spare any time to look after DB's kids as DH and I are planning x, y and z."

Original poster
FlamingFanjo · 03/08/2011 17:32

Maybe Rhinestone, just maybe!

OP posts:
Dozer · 03/08/2011 17:32

They're totally out of order and taking you for granted.

Teachermumof3 · 03/08/2011 17:37

*So next year when your Mum says, "right, what week do you want to have them?" you reply,

"Oh, I can't this year. As you know, I have to take time off work and I can't spare any time to look after DB's kids as DH and I are planning x, y and z."*

Absolutely. It's not difficult and they shouldn't expect this from you.

SuePurblybilt · 03/08/2011 17:38

Is it a brother thing? My father (not old school sexist at all, did all housework and cooking in his home) expected me to cook and wash for my adult brothers when he was away. I didn't, obviously, but I'm wondering if a similar pattern has caused your brother to expect things from you as his due?

cjbartlett · 03/08/2011 17:38

Seriously neither has ever said thank you? Even when they collect them?
Do they look after your kids ever?

Chandon · 03/08/2011 17:40

agree with that.

You are being taken for granted.

But I "suspect" you like having them (which is so lovely for everyone involved), so then you'd shoot yourself in the foot really...

Smellslikecatpee · 03/08/2011 17:51

So very not unreasonable.

Yes families should help each other out as and where they can.
But the fact that it?s family doesn?t mean you don?t at the very least say Thank you.

I?m having my Sis?s boys for a few days week after next. Like you I have planned to take some time off (good excuse for me and OH to go to Lego land & cinemaGrin).

I have chosen to do this, the boys are of an age that they can and will amuse themselves but still need an adult around. My job is such that I could work from home for half the day and catch up in the evening.

Sis& Bil have offered to pay not only for the boy?s days out but also ours.
?Cause that?s what you do!

We?ve refused as it?s our choice to take boys out.
So yesterday we got a bunch of flowers & bottle of wine as a thanks, again ?cause that what you do!!

they're taking the piss and because they keep getting away with it, they'll expect it!!!

CalmaLlamaDown · 03/08/2011 17:52

YANBU!

You and your mum are saving them a fortune, and taking them for lovely days out paid for out of your own pockets!

My parents had ds for one morning a week for three years and i thanked them each and every time, saved me £4,400 over the years in nursery....

Original poster
FlamingFanjo · 03/08/2011 17:52

@CJBartlett Seriously, never said 'thanks'. Also, both girls had birthdays a month or so before they came. Both had good amounts spent on them & presents sent in the post. Neither girls (9 & 12) sent 'thank you' notes, phoned or texted thanks. I did mention it to them and all sorts of excuses came out & I felt bad for mentioning it.

I don't have my own kids so the favours not returned. It also doesn't come easy to not have kids for 51 weeks of the year and then have them full on for a week. I do love them but I find it hard work to have them. They're pretty full on (as I guess you all know).

OP posts:
cjbartlett · 03/08/2011 17:58

Jeez I'd definitely say something along the lines of 'a thanks would be nice'

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