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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my SiL & Brother should say 'thanks' for having the children?

48 replies

FlamingFanjo · 03/08/2011 17:00

Ok, I know this sounds petty so completely expect to get flamed but..

My brother works at a private school and he gets to place them for a reduction of the cost.

The only problem (for them) is that they have long summer holidays. He still has to work at the school & SiL works as a carer with funny hours.

For the last 3 years my Mum has had them for a week & then I've had them for a week, which helps them out and gives them a bit of a break.

I run a (very)small business and I have to take a week off work to have them. My DP also takes some days off and we all go out. This time we've been to the beach, the zoo, the Winchester science museum, ridden on a steam train, out for tea, made cakes, made some jewellery.....etc etc. It cost quite alot to do nice things (which I want to) & feed them for a week.

It would just be really nice if he could pick up the phone and 'thanks for that, it's really helped us out'. I don't want him to bow and scrape, but I'd really appreciate it. The girls go home and I don't hear from them until the next time.

As I said, sounds petty, but it would mean alot to me

OP posts:

ajandjjmum · 03/08/2011 18:03

Next time you're asked, say 'I'm still waiting for a thank you from the last time'.

Then we can discuss future arrangements.

ajandjjmum · 03/08/2011 18:03

'we' because obviously MN needs to be involved in your decision making process!!

superjobee · 03/08/2011 18:05

god thats so ungrateful of them! i left DD with my friend this afternoon whilst i nipped off expecting to be 5 minutes i was nearer 40 mins and i thanked her profusely then bought her a cake! thats just me tho but god that just seems so mean!

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 03/08/2011 18:14

YANBU nor are you being petty. They are being rude, ungrateful and entitled. I'd simply refuse to have them next time.

fedupofnamechanging · 03/08/2011 19:55

They are unlikely to change, so you have some decisions to make.

Firstly do you like having them for the week? If you enjoy this time with them and want to build the relationship, then take the parents out of the equation and view this as something you are doing for you and them.

If, otoh, it's a pita and you are doing it out of a misplaced sense of obligation, then you need to stop. You also need at that point to tell your brother why you are stopping.

If you decide to stop, then talk to your mum about it, so she doesn't get the kids dumped on her for both weeks.

I do think it's time that you had a quiet word with your brother about his attitude.

FabbyChic · 03/08/2011 19:59

They should pay for any outings it should not cost you anything to have the children, if it does then they are taking the piss out of you.

Spuddybean · 03/08/2011 20:04

i would call and ask if they had a good week, then wait for them to say thank you. If they just say 'yes' then i would say 'i thought you could have thanked me and mum, we do enjoy having them but i have to take time off work and i am doing you a favour'

Would they be sorry or would they kick back?

FabbyChic · 03/08/2011 20:05

If you have no kids of your own you really should be taking holiday with your partner abroad on a nice relaxing beach not looking after someone elses two kids

islawhiter · 03/08/2011 20:20

Sounds like they may all be a tiny bit resentful of you and praps your status and generosity in the family, lots of kids dont send thankyou cards nowadays, if they arnt told to by their parents they dont know to do it or even text.

Georgimama · 03/08/2011 20:27

Are your sister in law and brother in general complete arseholes? Because they sound like it.

I cannot conceive of a relative taking a week off work (self employed - so I bet you lose money during that time too), providing my children with full board and lodging for a week and paying for all treats, and I don't even say thank you when I collect them. If someone other than me takes my DS out for the day or in the case of my mother away for a couple of days I offer to pay for the trip. If they refuse I hand them some spending money on departure day anyway.

What do they say? I mean I can't imagine how the pick up conversation goes at the end of the week if it doesn't involve the handing over of wine/flowers and copious gratitude.

I suppose the only thing you can hope for is that in the week they are with you the neices learn not to be arseholes like their parents. I hope you enforce pleases and thank yous from them while they are in your care. I would.

Lizzylou · 03/08/2011 20:32

I have been thinking about this (on my childfree evening, wow!).

It is a lovely thing you are doing for your niece's, I know that I used to have my (much younger) brothers (well, half brothers strictly speaking) during the school holidays for my Dad. They always thanked me and were appreciative, but also, my Brother's still talk about outings we had, things we did, even now. So you are really building happy memories for your nieces and being a fantastic Aunty.

However, I honestly do not think I could go on having the girls without one word of thanks, let alone a card or bottle of wine/box of chocolates, anything to show it is appreciated. You have to tell your Brother how bloody rude and ungrateful he is being. It's not a good example to set to his DDs if nothing else.

When I think about the huge favour my Mom is doing for us by having the boys, how much money we are saving in childcare and how much fun they are having on all the trips she is taking them on, I am so hugely grateful and I am letting her know that. To not even say a cursory "thanks" to you is just beyond the pale.

How come you are so lovely and he missed out on politeness and gratitude?

levantine · 03/08/2011 20:34

That is very very rude.

I am even more shocked by them not saying thank you for presents tbh, children of that age are perfectly capable of writing a note.

I would bring it up with him I think.

olibeansmummy · 03/08/2011 20:57

YA absolutely definately NBU. Surely saying thankyou would just be a natural thing for them to do? I think that's the absolute minimum you can expect.

Adversecamber · 03/08/2011 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kerala · 03/08/2011 21:59

My lovely friend had my two for a whole weekend so we could go to my sisters wedding we gave wine,voucher for restaurant and fulsome thanks.

saladsandwich · 03/08/2011 22:14

i use to look after my siblings dc 3/4 days a week every week 8am-2pm for 2 years and got not one thanks, then when the youngest turned 3 and got nursery funding they stopped dropping him and went from seeing them too much to not seeing them at all. one of their dc has autism and when he was at mine he would follow me round religiously so i really really missed him, im also qualified level 3 childcare. but you do these stupid things for your family, originally i was helping them out because they couldn't afford nursery fees but they just added more and more days onto my week x

zipzap · 03/08/2011 23:40

Go all passive aggressive on your bro and ask him what you have done wrong or have you upset their dc after their stay as you thought thought they had a nice time but the deafening silence is making you think something bad happened and now they are upset with you ...

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2011 23:45

I wouldn't have them again, to be honest.

The next time you are asked by your mum (not even them!) you should say, "I didn't appreciate the lack of thanks and the fact my brother phoned up taking the piss out of me. I love those kids, but won't be taking time off work to look after them."

And - are you sure he doesn't have the time off? What are they making him do?

MissMap · 04/08/2011 09:33

I have a similar situation with my neices. Their mother is fairly graceless and what could be termed a taker and not a giver. Her daughters are going to be just the same, due to her example. I have reconcilled myself to not becoming too attatched to them, whilst still offering to be a kind and reliable Auntie, from a distance.

MissMap · 04/08/2011 09:35

attached!!!!

BoysRusxxx · 04/08/2011 11:19

You are NBU. My Sil is like this. I was shocked last week when i witnessed this conversation when at mils for dinner:

ME: Sil and Bil why dont you stay in our house tonight (as it was long drive home and was getting late)

SIL: yeah Me and Bil will stay, the kids can stay with MIL! (mil was at table but said nothing. )

Me: there is enough room for your kids too (two kids, one school age, one toddler)

Sil: no its grand mil can take them overnight

Later on:

Mil: Sil ill take kids ver night but you need to be back early in the morning as i have plans made

Sil: oh for gods sake, we NEVER get a bloody lie on!!

I was very but not surprised as she is always dumping her kids on anyone who will take them, she is pregnant with third and her dh is getting the snip after as 'you cant get anyone to mind FOUR kids!' (her words)

Original poster

FlamingFanjo · 04/08/2011 11:48

I'm sure my brother and his wife says thanks to my Mum because they drop the children off the first week, then my Mum brings the girls to me and will usually pick them up for the last night. Usually my DP & I are having a nervous breakdown by that time!! Or like this time, we had some specific plans booked for the last night which we couldn't/didn't want to break. I have no doubt she is thanked when they pick them up.

It was funny because last night we got a call from the youngest one to tell us about her tae-kwondo results and I thought her Mum must have read this thread! We were just about to eat so had to cut her a bit short, but I sort of thought that would be the opportunity for them to say 'thanks'.

As a previous poster said (sorry, can't find you now) I pretty much have to accept the way they are and just do it for the kids. We don't live that close and hardly ever see them. We usually see them at Christmas & this summertime period.

I know they are both grateful & if I brought it up they would be mortified that I feel like this. They are good people, they work hard and the only reason I can think is that they are so busy they just sort of forget, or maybe they think that they've said it. This sounds like I'm making excuses for them.

I spoke to my DP last night about it and he thinks it's bad but we want to help them out and he loves spending the time with them. The youngest has a bit of a crush on him.

OP posts:

OurPlanetNeptune · 04/08/2011 13:51

Flaming you are saint, that's what you are. They are flipping lucky to have you, the lot of them.

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