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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Picking up a sleeping newborn - AIBU or PFB?

57 replies

KittyChat · 02/08/2011 15:07

My dd is two weeks old. She is the first grandchild on both sides, and the first baby born within our group of friends. She has so far been a chilled out, relaxed little thing who sleeps a lot.

We have had a stream of visitors who naturally all want to cuddle her. This was fine at first but lately it's been upsetting me. I hate seeing her passed around the room like a new toy while she sleeps, and picked up out of her moses basket while she is sleeping peacefully.

It would be a bit easier if I was breastfeeding as I could legitimately take her away to feed her but bfing hasn't worked out for me (not for lack of trying - a whole other story). So now everyone can feed her and I have no real excuse to take her away on my own.

My DP has been understanding but I think he thinks I'm being a bit PFB. We are about to be descended on in a matter of hours by my ILs, a cousin and a couple of brothers for a few days and I am starting to feel panicked about watching dd getting bundled about and not left to sleep in peace. If I don't say anything she will be held all day long.

I am not scared to say 'put that baby down!' but first I would like to know if I am being insanely PFB about this or are these feelings are normal?

Please be gentle as I am a bit of a hormonal mess right now but don't be afraid to give your honest opinions.

OP posts:
messybessie · 02/08/2011 15:35

I never put DS2 down Grin. It never used to occur to me that someone else might want to hold him.

People used to visit. Sit and drink tea for an hour and then, only as they were leaving they would gingerly ask to hold the baby.

I wasn't being particularly precious, I was just away with the fairies!

I say no, YANBU. To be honest, you will spend a good part of your life bending to the will of your little bundle of joy so this is your ideal opportunity to be selfish.

You won't get another chance til 2030 Wink

ShowOfHands · 02/08/2011 15:42

When will you feel normal? It'll creep up on you. The worst of the strange fog goes within a few weeks but your hormones actually take a year to return to normal. Giving birth, exhaustion and a massive adjustment of priorities and habits means that you just feel so altered from how you were before. Certainly when dd was 3 months we went on holiday and I remember laughing, chatting with friends and dancing (we were at a festival) and thinking 'oh I'm me'. It still took a while to be completely adjusted but certainly a couple of months in I felt so much better.

I think one of the hardest things is that you can't switch off anymore. I remember having a sleeping baby, house relatively tidy, nothing concrete to worry about and I'd be buzzing. You're hyper alert and so attuned to this tiny little person that you can't sleep well or concentrate on anything properly. They say that there's a 4th trimester where the baby doesn't know it's separate from you (hence they adore cuddles from you) and I think it works the other way round too. You might be two separate beings physically but emotionally you're utterly tied.

catgirl1976 · 02/08/2011 15:48

YANBU. If people want to hold the baby and he is asleep, tell them they can't because he is ASLEEP. You are not being PFB, just perfectly reasonable.

misty0 · 02/08/2011 15:49

Oh YANBU Grin

Its been said so well already. Your baby - you decide whats right. You will be more relaxed in a few weeks, and then be happy to hand baby over for cuddles to give you a little break!

This thread is bringing back memories of being a new first time mum and getting tearful watching my DD1 being handed round the room crying for me. I was too young/insecure to put my foot down and say "Please give her back now!" So upsetting. I didnt let it happen with DD2 or 3.

Be firm x

Shutupanddrive · 02/08/2011 15:57

YANBU! I would not let anyone pick her up while she was asleep! Shock
congratulations by the way Smile

YouDoTheMath · 02/08/2011 16:08

Well, it is kind of irritating that everyone wants their "turn"...

But when all's said and done, if the baby cries when she's passed around, it's the problem of whoever's holding her to deal with it. So let them!

HPonEverything · 02/08/2011 16:14

There's a brilliant Tim Minchin song with a line about his new daughter that goes "passed around like a puppy at a primary school" and it actually makes me weep, and I haven't even had my baby yet. I partly blame the hormones....

So YANBU I believe I will hate it too, especially if she's asleep!

birdofthenorth · 02/08/2011 16:18

YANBU.

When DD was two weeks old I barely let anyone touch her when she was awake!!

She's your baby, you get to hold her/ put her down/ say what's what even if your not BFing.

I would let your ILs have a little cuddle of their new GD each, when she's awake & it suits you. Everyone else can sod off & come back for cuddles in a month when she'll sleep less & you may be glad of some spare pairs of hands!

Mibby · 02/08/2011 16:19

YANBU

Shes yours and shes not a toy to be passed round. Put your foot down, and get DH to do the same. Theyll be plenty of time for people to cuddle and play with her later. My DD is now 8 months and wants constant playing, if yours is the same the visitors can come again then and be useful

Congratulations :)

MightyQuim · 02/08/2011 16:54

It's very selfish to pick up a peacefully sleeping baby imo. Either have her sleep on your lap and if anyone asks tell them they can hold her when she wakes up or tell people you are taking her upstairs so she doesn't get disturbed.

WilsonFrickett · 02/08/2011 17:00

So not BU. I don't wear perfume, or any perfumed products, and when other people held DS he used to come back smelling of their perfume or whatever and it would drive me insane. I hated it! Still do hate it if he comes back, say from DGPs with clothes that they've (very kindly) washed for him and he smells different! I think I am a little bit weird though.

MightyQuim · 02/08/2011 17:02

Youdothemath - you're right in principle but the likelihood is that the baby will be passed back if they are crying or that the OP will want to take them back because ime listening to your 2 week old crying, while someone else insists on trying to settle them, when you know that they just want you is unbearable.

QueenOfFeckingEverything · 02/08/2011 17:08

YANBU.

And its very true that tiny babies should be fed by one or two main carers as much as is possible, not passed round so everyone can have a go. Its inportant bonding time for you and her, just as if you were BF Smile

2shoes · 02/08/2011 17:10

yanbu
I never get all this pass the parcels with babies, I expect one hold when the mum is ready and that is it,

Original poster
KittyChat · 02/08/2011 17:32

Thanks SO much everyone for your replies, they have really helped clarify my feelings.

Anyway - steeled by your words, when the ILs descended a couple of hours ago I was very firm.

MIL went to pick up DD from the moses basket and I said: "she's asleep now, we've just got her settled but you're welcome to have a cuddle later when she's awake."

MIL: "Oh she's fine, it won't do her any harm - come to grandma!"
Me: "Can you please just leave her sleeping, she has just gone down and you can cuddle her later when she is awake."

Cue a sigh and an eye roll in FIL's direction. It felt good!

OP posts:
MmeLindor. · 02/08/2011 17:33

Hurrah. Good for you.

lostlady · 02/08/2011 17:35

Def not PFB- let sleeping babies lie, or snuggle on you,; I would not expect a cuddle when visiting and baby asleep

swash · 02/08/2011 17:38

Ahhh don't think that because you are bottle-feeding her 'anyone can feed her'. She'll still be happiest with you. Replicate the breastfeeding experience by holding her close - when possible do skin-to-skin (baby in a nappy held against your bare skin). It helps with bonding and is a beautiful way to keep the baby calm.

catgirl1976 · 02/08/2011 17:39

Good on you! You stick to your guns x

addictediam · 02/08/2011 17:43

I'm glad you got firm with them, good for you!

I just wanted to add voice to feeding your lo. My dd was ff and I didnt want anyone else feeding her. Occasionally I asked dh to do it, but he understood that ask her mum it was my responsibility and had I have bf he wouldn't have been able to do it.
It caused much upset from il's who couldn't work out what all the fuss was over, its 'just one feed' yes one feed with you, then one with everyother tom dick or harry that come over! Before you know it I wouldn't get that feeding time at all.
But then my dh was very supportive and understood my feelings, so I would suggest having a chat with dh so you both understand your feelings then he can help say no.

orchidee · 02/08/2011 18:57

A few thoughts-

Your baby needs to get know you now. A new baby doesn't know if they're at risk in the African savannah or safe in a modern house. A newborn's sense of smell is acute so they can get to know their main carer(s).

The PIL issue needs nipped in the bud. Don't think "oh I'll play nice" or "oh I'll deal with disagreements later". Be consistent that it's your rules. Then they can't ask "why have you changed your mind?" Otherwise your MIL will decide she's weaning DS / DD at 6 weeks old while you're out of the room.

It doesn't matter if you are being PFB, your baby is surely precious? I asked people to wash their hands before touching my baby (now 3 months old.) Anyone who didn't like that isn't welcome to hold them -explain the reality of what happens if a new baby gets a bacterial infection (hospital, painful tests, not pleasant for anyone). Most folk have touched plenty of publicly used (i.e. unknown what's happened to them since they were last cleaned) things e.g. door handles, shopping trolleys or whatever between leaving their house and arriving at yours.

Stick to your guns. Nature gives you these protective hormones for a reason.

midori1999 · 02/08/2011 19:23

I will go out on a limb and say I do think you're being a bit unreasonable if they aren't actually waking her when they are picking her up, but I do agree with those who say she is newborn and it's your Motherly instinct kicking in and perfectly normal for you to feel this way.

My DD is 6 weeks old and not a good sleeper at all and very colicky/windy. In the very early days I was also in so much pain from BF that I dreaded her waking up and there's no way I would have wanted anyone to so much as raise their voice in cas ethey woke her if she was sleeping, let alone pick her up.

However, all my 3 DS's were very settled babies and good sleepers. BF didn't work out with them, so they were FF from quite young, DS3 was fed expressed breast milk from day 1. All and sundry fed them, any visitors would hold them as I was desperate for a break and I even went out for a few hours on New Years Eve when DS2 was two weeks old and left him with my Grandparents who were staying with us at the time. None of it affected my bonding with my DS's and the oldest is 15 now and I am extremely close to them all.

The bottom line is though, it is up to you and people shouldn't pick up your baby without asking you first, them helping themselves would have annoyed even me! Well done for standing up to your MIL.

Mitmoo · 02/08/2011 19:51

I would simply say "you can have a cuddle when she wakes", if she is asleep then it is not pass the parcel time.

Bubbaluv · 03/08/2011 04:36

Agree YANBU. Am AMAZED that people are picking up a sleeping baby without asking you!

On the other hand it is great, in the longer term, if they learn to be happy being passed around to lots of different people and don't scream as soon as you hand them over. Just find a balance you are comfortable with.

The "routine" excuse works wonders (as does a routine IMHO) and a sling might be handy if all else fails!?

Morloth · 03/08/2011 05:15

Fuck no, you don't pick up a sleeping baby unless absolutely unavoidable!

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