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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a little disturbed?

67 replies

lastroseofsummer · 02/08/2011 10:31

Have no idea whether im slightly over sensitive, a bit depressed at the minute and taking AD's so am quite willing to be told I am, however, I had an experience wherein my partner and I were in a local winebar having drinks and his ex was in the same place. We have made an effort to avoid anywhere where she is as its still quite raw for everyone, they have been together over 20 years and just finished last year (ive been dating him since last November, I think she believes that he left her for me, not true).

She was sitting somewhere in the bar (dont know where as wasnt paying attention, enjoying my nite out with boyfriend and friends). Boyfriend said he passed by her and she was actually sitting with her back to us with a group of male friends. She calls my boyfriend up a few days later to voice her objection to us being in a same winebar as her and also to tell him that I had walked past her to use the toilet 3 times and also to take a call outside once.

My boyfriend asked her how she could possibly know how often I went to the bathroom etc and it transpired that 2 of the men at the table were keeping her informed of what I was doing. These men are in their mid 40's, as is boyfriends ex.

I find this a bit creepy, its like every move I made was watched and commented on. Am I being unreasonable or over sensitive.

I have had no interaction with this lady, got a few nasty texts etc from her when I started dating her ex which I ignored, she was quite obviously upset at the time but this has really disturbed me.

I have male friends myself and I can assure you that none of them would be keeping tabs on any girl for me, its childish and a bit weird, or is it me?

OP posts:

Catslikehats · 02/08/2011 19:08

deburca because the Op with her deliberate criticism and stealth boasting + mid thread flounce because all her RL friends think she is absolutely right is not being in the slightest bit bitchy?!

I have been the OW (so shoot me), now happily married couldn't really care less about that aspect of the thread but the Op sounds nuts "she was having me watched! I tell you someone who happened to be in the pub mentioned I had walked past...ye gods! I am being stalked!"

deburca · 02/08/2011 19:27

Queen i dont think it was deliberate, the ex accused her of being a glamor model! and anyway who knows what the ex looks like - she could be beautiful herself. How is the OP being bitchy, she has went out of her way to avoid the girl but she cant continue to do that. Why should she?

Can I ask why you think that the OP should avoid pubs/events? She has said she has done so previously - is it the case that if the ex is there then automatically the OP isnt allowed to be? Come on. She is dating a man who is separated! What right does the ex have to dictate where OP goes for a drink

And I can tell you something for nothing if someone was able to tell me what movements I made during the evening i would be very spooked. Also if a girl came on here and said that her ex (male) phoned up and told her how many times she went to bathroom etc what would the response be?

From what I gather the OP has tried her best to accommodate the ex, avoided places she will be in order not to upset her, so she walked by her to use the bathroom, perhaps the ex was sitting beside the bathroom and there was no avoiding it - did that occur to anyone and why did the Ex not leave if its bothering her that much?

The relationship is over between OP's boyfriend and his ex, OP doesnt have to put up with shit. thats just wrong in my eyes

LineRunner · 02/08/2011 19:39

Two things I would say.

My old chestnut: Why on earth do you and this lady have have each other's mobile phone numbers?

Why does your DP feel the need to pass on this daft crap info to you?

tethersend · 02/08/2011 19:40

Walk to the toilet = 1
Walk back from the toilet = 2
walk to the toilet again = 3

The poor woman is still in the toilet and NOBODY CARES.

deburca · 02/08/2011 19:45

tether lol, you are a little pre-occupied regarding the toilet if you dont mind me saying.

Portofino · 02/08/2011 20:37

My exh's new girlfriend was a bit weird. I accidentally managed to go to the same hostellery as them one evening. She threatened to beat me up in the toilets for daring to set foot in the place. I replied that when I was at the Grammar School, such behaviour was not becoming to young ladies and I am sure they would want to hear about their underage pupils behaving in such a manner. My ex was about 27 at this point - Lord knows what he was thinking.....

jazzchickens · 02/08/2011 21:01

The only reason that I can think why his ex would mention the number of visits to the toilet is if there was some insinuation that the OP was making unnecessary visits to walk past the ex and be intimidating in some way.

Why else would it even be mentioned?

Having said that - with my weak bladder, we would be in double figures so I'd definitely be in trouble.

tethersend · 02/08/2011 22:21

It's mentioned because SHE'S STILL IN THERE.

Sassybeast · 02/08/2011 22:28

Suffering from weak bladder?
Don't be embarrassed - Tena Lady is your friend......

SnapesMistress · 02/08/2011 22:55

OP you said you were having to avoid functions because of ex. I don't think its unreasonable to avoid pubs where she will be but have you had to miss proper functions like weddings etc?

Original poster

lastroseofsummer · 03/08/2011 12:08

I have missed functions, ie mutual friends of herself and my boyfriend had a baby, had naming ceremony, I didnt attend. Again with a birthday party we had been invited to, I didnt attend that either, we had only been dating a few months at that time and I thought it would not be appropriate to be there with him when his ex would be there. Im beginning to think that it was a big mistake not to go as now she seems to feel that I should not be in attendance anywhere she is.

We have changed plans previously, ie we are going to local to meet friends, then boyfriend will get a text saying she is playing to go there with colleagues so we will go somewhere else. The annoying part also is that we have to ask everyone else in our group to change venue or not attend full stop. Its not on.

as I say im a little depressed at the minute so was afraid I was reading into it however she has not had a heated discussion with boyfriend - we are planning to attend a party this weekend and she has also been invited, wants to go and therefore wants me not to. Boyfriend has been very direct in telling her that in future we shall be attending functions as and when we decide and that if there is an issue then its hers and also that he found her reference to her friends reporting on my movements in a pub a bit weird.

She started screaming abuse down the phone and hung up. What can I do, have to move on with my life.

OP posts:

deburca · 03/08/2011 17:25

Well lastrose at least he has told her where he stands. I agree that you could not go on avoiding every single social gathering and I actually think it was thoughtful of you ever to have done that.

The lady concerned must be hurting dreadfully but really you can do no more. I agree that it is time to get on with things yourself. I discussed this with a few colleagues today regarding the keeping tabs etc - they agreed that it was a silly/creepy. I think its great that your other half has told her that her behaviour is unacceptable - I get the impression the more you give in to her the more she will expect.

I would conduct myself with grace around her, don't change your plans and by all means if you need to go to the loo go but don't allow her to make you feel intimated or that you are somehow wrong by being with your partner.

dont be afraid either to stand up for yourself, you havent done anything wrong and should feel able to go about your daily business/relationship without interference. I think its admirable that you have avoided events for so long that she will attended, you are certainly being alot fairer to her than she is to you. Time to concentrate on your own relationship and life now.

deb

unpa1dcar3r · 03/08/2011 19:02

My partners ex told him she wanted to hate me but couldn't cos i was just too nice (which I am of course!!) I said 'don't kid yerself love she bloody hates me' (which she did of course)
She's an ex who clearly still has feelings for him, she's bound to be odd.
You're not being over senstive but I'd ignore her and laugh it off (even if it hurts)- you've got the bloke, she hasn't anymore but hasn't moved on. Don't let it affect your new relationship with him.

Portofino · 03/08/2011 19:36

Are all these functions/social occasions to do with friends of your dp? It would seem strange that you have to go out of your way to avoid her otherwise unless you live in Royston Vasey, or some such.

Or were you all in the same group of friends before?

complexnumber · 03/08/2011 19:47

So you walked past her 8 times. Her friends are probably telling her that you are the strange and unreasonable one. Same as your friends are saying about her.

DuelingFanjo · 03/08/2011 19:55

I dn't think it's weird or stalkerish. That's what friends do. Sounds like she is still not over the hurt he has caused her and unfortunately you being there must have felt like you were rubbing it in her face. To be honest I thin the decent thing would have been for your DP to have suggested you both leave once he had seen her there.

deburca · 04/08/2011 10:48

If she constantly avoids places though - it looks like op and her boyfriend are doing something wrong by going out with each other.

She has tried to avoid her, she has said that, why didnt the boyfriends ex leave if it was bothering her that much. I would have an odd ciggy, and I can tell you that I would be running to the loo all night - same as op and loads of other people out there.

Why should the ex's feelings be paramount always. The op has given her the respect of avoiding places for a while - avoiding events for a while - when does it stop.

In my opinion it needs to be sorted out between the boyfriend and the ex - nothing to do with the OP - but can see where OP is coming from.

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