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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a little disturbed?

67 replies

lastroseofsummer · 02/08/2011 10:31

Have no idea whether im slightly over sensitive, a bit depressed at the minute and taking AD's so am quite willing to be told I am, however, I had an experience wherein my partner and I were in a local winebar having drinks and his ex was in the same place. We have made an effort to avoid anywhere where she is as its still quite raw for everyone, they have been together over 20 years and just finished last year (ive been dating him since last November, I think she believes that he left her for me, not true).

She was sitting somewhere in the bar (dont know where as wasnt paying attention, enjoying my nite out with boyfriend and friends). Boyfriend said he passed by her and she was actually sitting with her back to us with a group of male friends. She calls my boyfriend up a few days later to voice her objection to us being in a same winebar as her and also to tell him that I had walked past her to use the toilet 3 times and also to take a call outside once.

My boyfriend asked her how she could possibly know how often I went to the bathroom etc and it transpired that 2 of the men at the table were keeping her informed of what I was doing. These men are in their mid 40's, as is boyfriends ex.

I find this a bit creepy, its like every move I made was watched and commented on. Am I being unreasonable or over sensitive.

I have had no interaction with this lady, got a few nasty texts etc from her when I started dating her ex which I ignored, she was quite obviously upset at the time but this has really disturbed me.

I have male friends myself and I can assure you that none of them would be keeping tabs on any girl for me, its childish and a bit weird, or is it me?

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 02/08/2011 12:50

How disgusting for this woman to be losing her dignity, how dare she be emotional and show it at her partner of 20 years being out with someone else.

Lovesicecream · 02/08/2011 13:02

She should get a grip, don't care how long they were together if you had nothing to do with their breakup and it's been a year , she needs to grow up! If she doesn't like being in the same place as him she should leave . Also what sort of person has their exs new girlfriend watched and then phones the ex up to tell him how many times she has been to the loo? Odd

Vibrant · 02/08/2011 13:02

I think she's entitled to feel anything she likes, and it can take differing lengths of time to get over a relationship break-up. There are no rules.

I wonder whether you're just feeling more sensitive about this because of being depessed? I know that when I'm depressed I get all sorts of things out of proportion, that when feeling well I'd just shrug off.

I agree too that your oh should just be ignoring her and not passing on to you what she has said.

Catslikehats · 02/08/2011 13:33

@ shirley

Just out of interest OP how long were they broken up before you and him got together.....

thursday · 02/08/2011 13:44

she was probably upset that she does her best to make sure she doesnt have to spend her evenings being confronted with the two of you and you turned up despite her letting you know that was where she was going. i dont think there's anything particularly weird or creepy about them observing you (my make friends would answer if i asked 'whats she doing?). ringing up to notify your ex IS leaping over into weird but my interpretation is that she got the impression you were passing by her table with high frequency after purposefully going there against her wishes and as someone still getting over a breakup she's taken that as face rubbing. i'm sure it wasnt, and i understand being tired of tiptoeing round her, but i dont really understand why you'd want to go and spend an evening all in the same room anyway. awkward!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 02/08/2011 13:57

We have made an effort to avoid anywhere where she is as its still quite raw for everyone
she knew well we were going to that venue as she had sent a message to my boyfriend telling him that she would be there, ergo we shouldnt be!
and has on occasion contacted my boyfriend to tell him that she is going to a particular place, ie Im going there so you cant. We have changed plans to accommodate that

So how come you ended up in the same wine bar on this occasion?

"His excuse for what she did is "perhaps her friends were letting her know you were in the bathroom so she wouldnt go at the same time". Sorry but that just does not ring true"

Why not? It seems entirely logical that she wouldn't want to be in a confined space with you at the present time.

"but I cant and wouldnt behave that way towards his new girlfriend. Certainly not if that lady would be around my children"

Are you around your boyfriend's children? Or has your boyfriend not yet introduced you to them?

"oh Agent please stop, there is nothing teenagerish about it - the woman had me watched in a pub - she is 45! come on now, thats not normal behaviour."

Age is no indication of maturity and, given the circumstances, it seems enitrely normal to me. Why the insistence on her age, and the age of her male friends? How old is your boyfriend and you considerably younger?

Whats weird about all this is that she seems more interested in me than in him, commenting on my clothes, hair, my age, the fact that I used to do a little modelling

Nothing weird about that at all - sounds as if she's put you into the category of 'the slapper who stole my dh" which is an entirely normal knee-jerk reaction when a long-term partner leaves home and takes up with another woman. BTW, is the fact that you "used to do a little modelling" a stealth boast or are you trying to convince your audience that his ex is not a patch on you?

"I have had issues with him trying not to "rock the boat" where arguments are concerned regarding her, trying to keep the peace etc."

If his ex is history, and you are laying claim to having a mature attitude to affaires l'amour, why would there be any need for you to argue with him over her?

"It may be selfish of me but Im tired of feeling second place to her feelings"

This would seem to be the crux of the matter. It's about you, and unfortunately you seem have scant regard for the feelings of others.

"I would dearly love to call her and tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and that I dont wish to have any of her friends watching me on a night out.

I bet you would, but I suspect that you know that if you did you'd create more bad feeling for all concerned - and that, of course, includes yourself.

"I have somewhat of a sixth sense/gut feeling about things and this has made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up."

Is your sixth sense telling you that, for whatever reason/s, you're being attention seeking in creating a drama where none exists?

Catslikehats · 02/08/2011 14:11

"I would dearly love to call her and tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and that I dont wish to have any of her friends watching me on a night out.

I bet you would, but I suspect that you know that if you did you'd create more bad feeling for all concerned - and that, of course, includes yourself.

^^^ but of course if you did that you'd come across like you were stark raving mad - you do know that don't you?!

ShirleyKnot · 02/08/2011 14:12

Ah izzy. What an interesting and well written post.

robingood19 · 02/08/2011 14:55

A bit odd and unnecessary, I would say. (But the world of the ex is comparitively new and fascinating in a way.)

PuppyMonkey · 02/08/2011 15:05

What always confuses me about these aibus is how the ex and the new woman have each other's phone numbers.

It's the same on EastEnders actually when you see, I dunno, Phil Mitcchell texting Whitney or something.

Why would they exchange phone numbers?

As you were.

AgentZigzag · 02/08/2011 15:10

'It's the same on EastEnders actually when you see, I dunno, Phil Mitcchell texting Whitney or something.'

Big fucking

Such an insightful analogy, I hope you get paid for your expertise in RL because I can tell you've been trained to a professional level

PuppyMonkey · 02/08/2011 15:20

No Agent, I just pass on my wisdom for free

AgentZigzag · 02/08/2011 15:39

You are bloody lovely to share such a rare gift Pup.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 02/08/2011 16:14

An acute observation Puppy.

The op presumably has her boyfriend's ex's number because she allegedly received a 'few nasty texts' from her which were ignored.

So how did the ex get the op's number?

IME, in these situations the parties concerned guard their mobiles with their lives which gives rise to the intriguing question of how, given that the op played no part in the breakdown of his marriage, his ex was able to gain access to his phone after he'd left the marital/family home?

What could have made him so careless with his mobile? Answers on a postcard

NorfolkBroad · 02/08/2011 16:22

Those slightly horrible things do happen when a relationship has broken up and you see the worst side of people because they feel hurt etc. I bet it felt really weird to be reported on like that.

All I can say is that the only thing that makes things like this better and feelings less intense is time.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 02/08/2011 16:30

Shirley, but please tell me you haven't been dedamed by Her Maj

HildaOgden · 02/08/2011 16:35

A.She thinks you stole her husband.
B.She therefore dislikes you intensely
C.She doesn't want to be in the same place as you,to avoid all unnessecary nastiness
D.Her friends spotted you going to the loo,and told her that's where you were so she could avoid you.

It's as simple as that.So stop stressing yourself over it,after all,he's your man now,you surely have nothing to feel insecure about?.

By the way,if she knew she was having this effect on you,I'd bet she'd be delighted :-).

TeenieLeek · 02/08/2011 16:39

Why on earth didn't you and your boyfriend just leave when you realised she was there?

Catslikehats · 02/08/2011 16:51

Op is now to busy bolstering her security arrangements to return having got all her RL friends to agree too terrified not to that the ex is in fact a crazy stalker type and she should be very very afraid.....

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 02/08/2011 17:27

I bet it felt really weird to be reported on like that. Really, Norfolk?

I suspect the 'reporting' may have been along the lines of:

"I told you where I'd be so why the hell did you turn up? What the fuck were you trying to do? Rub my nose in it in front of my mates? Haven't you caused me enough pain/damage/heartache you lowlife piece of garbage?

I had a feeling you'd do something like that which is why I sat with my back to the room. X told me you were there with your tart her and, for the record, Y and Z said she was done up like a dog's dinner and looked like a (insert adjective of choice).

You really have got some nerve, and you can tell that (insert adjective of choice) that I don't want her spying on me ever again. Three times she walked past me to go to the loo - has she got the clap an incontinence problem? And if that wasn't enough, she also made a point of walking past me to go outside. Couldn't she have gone out the front?".......continue ad nauseum.

tethersend · 02/08/2011 17:31

"I had walked past her to use the toilet 3 times"

3 times?

Are you still in the toilet?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 02/08/2011 17:33

Queen. Would it be too much to hope that one of the op's RL friends will take an epilator to those hairs?

deburca · 02/08/2011 18:24

and here we have a kicking again - disgusting some of the posts on here. She asked a question - she is entitled to have a drink with a guy she is dating without his ex being a knob and a fucking childish one at that - and reporting how often she walked by tether if she still is in the toilet what of it - no doubt that would somehow be offensive to her boyfriends ex?

Why didnt the ex leave it if was causing so much distress that she had to have her friends watch this poor girl and what she was doing on a nite out. OP said that herself and her boyfriend have previously avoided places this woman was - why should they? He is separated from his ex - end of story.

For pete's sake ladies some of you please read your posts - or are we having another session of "she is going out with someone who was once married and daring to have a life".

Bitter biddies as my granny would say!!

OP Fuck the posters who are ridiculing you - this happens on this site - any suggestion of the ow or even a hint of it and this stupidity is what you get- I wouldnt like anyone watching my comings and goings - you dont have to live you life around his ex - if she is insecure enough to require someone to watch you and report then she really isnt worth your time - dont let her walk over you though or your other half, you dont have to take the blame for her marriage splitting.

And dont be afraid to stand up to posters on here who are nasty, not all are, but some sad people just find it easier to come on this forum and bitch. SAD!

ShirleyKnot · 02/08/2011 18:51

Do I hear the sound of an axe being grinded again?

It sounds a bit like quack quack quack.

AgentZigzag · 02/08/2011 18:57

I ain't no laidee deburca, and I resent the implication

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