to feel I'm failing and being undermined...

[zozzle]

My DH is a do-er and always on the go. I work part-time (16hrs) and quite often at the end of the day he'll tell me what I could have done differently and more efficiently to have acheived more at home in the day. Most days he'll tell me how "disappointed" he is that x, y or z hasn't been done. To be fair to him he says this is because he wants to carve out more time for us both in the evenings. He does his bit around the house and is always looking for the most efficient way to do things.

I do my best and never sit down for long during the day (if at all). I have a child at school and one about to start in Sept. I am efficient at work but on my days off I don't want to be an efficiency-machine. I just want to enjoy my pre-schooler and keep the house ticking over. I admit I'm not overly domesticated but I do my bit - washing done everyday, hoovering most days, dinner on the table for when he gets in etc.

He does look after the kids for the odd day and does a great job, fitting in loads of chores and playing with them etc. The consequence of his perpetual comments is that I feel that whatever I do I am never doing enough in the house, and that he could do a much better job than me and that I am failing in this area. He tells me that I'm doing a good job with the kids but that he struggles with me not being "housey" enough. I guess I feel undermined - as if he's questioning my decision-making ability.

I suppose there is also years of anti-feminist conditioning for me to get over too - both our parents had v. trad relationships - his mum keeps a show-home and gets up at 6am to do the chores! So our model (from both sides) is of a nuturing, houseproud woman. I'm nuturing but not naturally housey (although I do my bit) and it causes endless arguments.

He's getting better - most days he used to tell me 4 things I'd done wrongly or inefficently before he'd even stepped through the door after work! Now he realises the value of timing a bit more - so now I get told before bed when we are both a bit less fraught! The last thing I need after a long day working and looking after the kids is a list of things I could have done better! I always just fly off the handle and get angry.

Is anyone else in the same boat? How do you deal with it?

LONNIE - LOVE THE POEM!

What a lovely poem!

yes ... very sweet poem (sob, sob)

I love LunaticFringe's suggestion... that would certainly put the boot on the other foot.

universalis... It's hard to interpret how bad things really are from a chatboard post. You probably had a little vent and I imagined it as that's how things are all the time and maybe they aren't. I do think though that you should start behaving as a 'free person', in that I mean you are free to open a bank account, learn to drive, do any number of things that any other woman (or man) can do if they wish. Whether you stay with your husband or not, you need to be able to stand on your own two feet and if something happened to your husband, you'd need to know what's what so that you can carry on running things at home.

zozzle, sorry but reading this: "like if I'd have gone shopping in the morning rather than the afternoon then I would have been able to have fitted X in. If I'd have kept the phone call to X briefer then I'd have been able to start making tea earlier etc etc - phases such as "If I were in your shoes I'd have ..." "

... made my blood run cold.

Do you tell him when you did what you did as well? Do you have to tell him how long you were on the phone? Why does he think he can criticise what time the tea gets made?

In your shoes I think I'd say:

"Can I ask you a question? WHO THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?"

I couldn't put up with it.

Tell him to get over himself and stop being such a control freak/critical/undermining you, that you are not at his beck and call, that you are his wife and equal partner, he is not your master and you his servant, that you are not a) his mother or b) your mother, that you are doing your best and if he wants it done better he can either a) do it himself b) employ a housekeeper.

My Dh is very appreciative of the work I do around the home, but even he has his moments where he feels like he could do a better job an dmakes a 'suggestion'. They just can;t seem to help themselves sometimes. I suppose what you need to take into consideration is how he responds when you discuss the thing that's an issue with him.

Today, however, when he came up with a shiny new idea for doing the shopping (he did offer to do it himself, but it's nearly 50% more expensive when he does the shopping so I said no!) I just burst into tears. Might be the pregnancy speaking, but I was so not in the mood for a rational discussion. I forgave him because he just apologised and gave me a hug.

Sorry, what I meant to say was - you're the only one who knows how bad the situation really is and that's about more than what happens when he initially brings something up with you, but also about what happens next and your relationship as a whole. I wish you luck and strength.

My DH did something similar to me just after we moved in together with our new baby. He went out to work one morning & left me a rather nasty note detailing what I needed to do to get the house in order and up to his standards.... I promptly wrote him a note detailing what he still needed to do in the house (diy bits that I couldn't do), what I actually did around the house everyday (including getting up every 2 hours with colicky baby), dropped it off at his work, turned my phone off & went out for the day... funny how it never happened again...

I think you should try to get your DH to separate his thoughts from his actions.

I say this because for much of this year my DH has been a SAHD. He's not the most naturally efficient person in the world and sometimes the way he does things makes me CRAZY.

But I know it's not appropriate to criticise, which means my feelings on this are MY problem. I need to find ways to bite my tongue and show respect for him. Sometimes I can't manage, I say something and we have a bit of a row about it. But in no way do I think it's appropriate to second-guess the way he does things when he's 'in charge' at home.

You need to tell your DH that he is entitled to his opinion about how you spend your days, but that does not mean you are interested in hearing it. Then stick to this. Every time he starts to criticise you, cut him off and say, I can't go back in time and do things differently so let's just let it go and move on. You need to not accept the premise that he is allowed to criticise everything you do. Tell him that micro-managing people is notoriously counterproductive in the office and completely unacceptable in the home.