to feel I'm failing and being undermined...

[zozzle]

My DH is a do-er and always on the go. I work part-time (16hrs) and quite often at the end of the day he'll tell me what I could have done differently and more efficiently to have acheived more at home in the day. Most days he'll tell me how "disappointed" he is that x, y or z hasn't been done. To be fair to him he says this is because he wants to carve out more time for us both in the evenings. He does his bit around the house and is always looking for the most efficient way to do things.

I do my best and never sit down for long during the day (if at all). I have a child at school and one about to start in Sept. I am efficient at work but on my days off I don't want to be an efficiency-machine. I just want to enjoy my pre-schooler and keep the house ticking over. I admit I'm not overly domesticated but I do my bit - washing done everyday, hoovering most days, dinner on the table for when he gets in etc.

He does look after the kids for the odd day and does a great job, fitting in loads of chores and playing with them etc. The consequence of his perpetual comments is that I feel that whatever I do I am never doing enough in the house, and that he could do a much better job than me and that I am failing in this area. He tells me that I'm doing a good job with the kids but that he struggles with me not being "housey" enough. I guess I feel undermined - as if he's questioning my decision-making ability.

I suppose there is also years of anti-feminist conditioning for me to get over too - both our parents had v. trad relationships - his mum keeps a show-home and gets up at 6am to do the chores! So our model (from both sides) is of a nuturing, houseproud woman. I'm nuturing but not naturally housey (although I do my bit) and it causes endless arguments.

He's getting better - most days he used to tell me 4 things I'd done wrongly or inefficently before he'd even stepped through the door after work! Now he realises the value of timing a bit more - so now I get told before bed when we are both a bit less fraught! The last thing I need after a long day working and looking after the kids is a list of things I could have done better! I always just fly off the handle and get angry.

Is anyone else in the same boat? How do you deal with it?

Like what????? I genuinely want to know what these jobs are and how he suggests you do them more efficiently????

What jobs are there at home - you say you cook, wash, clean and look after kids - what else is there? Some people make work for themselves. he's not one of them weirdos who cleans skirting boards is he?

Leave the twat

My genuine advice is sit down somewhere other than home over a drinki and talk this over. Tell him exactly what you said here - you are not his mother, you are not naturally housey, you do your best and his comments drag you down. If he respects you, he will find a way to stop being a cunt back off

great idea lunatic fringe and thanks for kind words lyingwitchinthewardrobe the house isnt like a barracks its usually filled with happy kids and happy kids friends. its little or not so little things like not letting me open a bank account or learn to drive that worry me, the kids will all be in school this september and i'm getting a part time job so maybe this will be my time to turn Im tempted to phone a driving instructor and start lessons but i do feel im not going to be able to do it. maybe the husbands would be happier together doubt it tho!!!

he sounds like a control freak!

Thanks guys. Yes he does have many redeeming qualities - generally he his kind, a great father and very helpful. I probably painted a bit of a 2D picture which wasn't my intention.

I think the crux of it is different personality types - a Do-er versus someone who is more of a reflector/more laid back/go with the flow. Mix that with the model of a "show-home" mother and bang! Fireworks.

Yoshi - yep I've been there too with sarcastically suggesting I keep a timesheet!

He is not your boss or your owner, but he thinks he is. He reckons that women are servants/domestic appliances/pets not really people. Major alarm bells that he won't let you have a bank account, or learn to drive. If he controls every penny you spend then that is actually abuse, not 'just the way relationships are', even if he is the wage-earner.

Oh Zozzle - I can really sympathise - my husband is very similar - he also has a mother who gets up at 6 to do chores and is horrified if she hasn't finished everything by lunchtime - I'm just not made like that. I have to accept that the state of our house really irritates DH sometimes in a way that it doesn't for me. What helps us is: always say something positive before saying something negative. Maybe you could both ask each other what you have done before complaining about the undone things - for us something like organising a play date for an unsocial child is actually a really important thing that we are both committed to - but it doesn't get the dusting done! When my DH actually realises what I've been spending my time doing he can understand me more and I'm more ready to be sympathetic to his need for a tidy house. My DH is wonderful and yours probably is too!

DoMeDon - stuff like if I'd have gone shopping in the morning rather than the afternoon then I would have been able to have fitted X in. If I'd have kept the phone call to X briefer then I'd have been able to start making tea earlier etc etc - phases such as "If I were in your shoes I'd have ..."

I think he genuinely thinks he's being helpful!

universalis - your husband won't let you open a bank account or learn to drive?
You don't actually need his permission you know. Set up an account for your PT job. Just do it.
I'm actually shocked.

Lady you already sound like a saint! Dinner on the table, housework done, kids happy, AND you work part-time! Jesus!

Maybe a general strike and some time off from all your chores might be a good idea until he stops nagging and values how much you really do!

That sounds like awfully hard work op, and its very tiring being judged.

What annoys me on threads like this though, is that people seem to think advice like 'leave him he is a twat' is helpful.

You need to tell him that on your days off, you are enjoying being a mum and you will do what you can/can be arsed to do, but your dc/dc's come first and making the most of your time as a mum!

salmotrutta- I know sad isnt it? Ive just been in baby and children land and need to get my head in gear starting to realise things need to change so yes I am going to make the changes and see how it goes

Good advice Farnywarny, but Universalis, you DO NEED TO LEAVE HIM (or at least give him an ultimatum). You sound like a slave, it's shocking.

Yes farneywarney - thank you. Some advice is definitely not helpful. I have explained one aspect of his personality, but that is not his whole personality - he has many good points too otherwise I would not have married him!!

I am definitely after balanced views.

My husband did this a bit when we were first married and had a baby. He would come in and say 'why don't you do this?' 'why don't you try X product/do this differently'. He thought that he was providing helpful household tips, but in fact, he was being a complete wanker. Luckily, we went for a walk one day and I told him I simply couldn't function with this constant 'helpful advice'. I told him that if he continued to criticise me, then I would come to his office with the baby, sit next to him, and offer him some helpful tips on how to do his work a lot better. I was quite prepared to do that and started making remarks like 'why don't you get your computer started now?' 'why don't you do this before that'. The penny dropped that he was not helping, he was being an arse and he stopped.

I also agree that if this criticizing is coupled with other types of control, then it's very destructive and abusive. It's also just no way to live.

how does he react when you punch him hard on the nose when he says these things .

zozzle, perhaps next time he talks about 'efficiency', you should explain The Law of Unintended Consequences.

He presumably makes his comments, in his eyes, to offer helpful pointers so that you too can become a 'do-er' and as efficient as himself - his 'Intended Consequence'. He probably cannot see that they are demotivating and depressing - his 'Unintended Consequence'.

Perhaps, once that is explained clearly to him, if he is the kind person you think he is, he will learn to button it. Otherwise, he truly is a knob and I would tell him so every time he started with his un helpful suggestions.

DH is often full of great advice but I mostly ignore him .

Seriously why don't you just laugh?

Op I havent read all of this thread through but I was reminded of this poem author unknown and wanted to add it to this..

Today I left some dishes dirty.
The bed got made around 3:30.
The nappies soaked a little longer,
the odor grew a little stronger
the crumbs I spilled the day before,
are staring at me from the floor.
The fingerprints there on the wall,
will likely be there still next fall.
The dirty streaks on the windowpanes,
will still be there next time it rains.

Shame on you, they sit and say,
just what did you do today?
I held a baby till she slept,
I held a toddler while he wept.
I played a game of hide and seek,
I squeezed a toy so it would squeak.
I pulled a wagon, sang a song,
taught a child right from wrong.

What did I do this whole day through?
Not much that shows, I guess that 's true.
Unless you think that what I've done,
might be important to someone
with deep green eyes and soft brown hair,
if that is true....I've done my share.

When I'm in a more passive-aggressive mood, I say 'Thank goodness you are here with all your helpful tips on how to live my life. I just don't know how I managed to get three degrees, run a home, have my career and a brilliant circle of friends before you came along'. Childish, I know, but it cheers me up and reminds him that 'helpful hints' on how someone else should live their life are not usually necessary, and, as someone else said, have the unintended consequence of making you feel very hostile towards your partner.

You work outside the home, have the major responsibility for child care and make sure dinner is ready in the evening. I don't see what he's moaning about. If you feel undermined, tell him to back off or pay for a cleaner.

lonnie I love that poem!

DH does this. He'll often come in and say stuff like "why have you done x that way? Mum always did it like this..." and "when I clean the floor, I do it like this". He thinks he's being helpful, but now I just turn round and say "well this is how I do it. If you don't like it, do it yourself"

op - what I don't understand is how your DH knows exactly what you did all day - my DH doesn't notice unless there is no tea and the house looks like a complete bomb site

I started off thinking I'd be reading about someone like me - because I am perpetually lazy and DH does have a go sometimes as I don't do important stuff (car tax, tax returns etc etc). Essentially I am the world's best (worst?) procrastinator. So sometimes I think he's justified in having a pop and sometimes that spills over into everyday things too like having so much dirt on the floor you can't see the grain of the wood

I also have a MiL who cannot keep still. She is always on the go and never happy unless she's super busy. It infuriates me beyond belief as it makes me look so much more lazy it is hard to relax at all when she's about.

However, he is absolutely NOT like your H who sounds like a proper turd. You need to address this in a calm, rational way and ask him to imagine how it feels. If he won't even try then I think you need to assess your relationship.