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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my babsitter is a thief?

74 replies

macdoodle · 01/08/2011 20:47

:(:(
I work one evening a week. A neighbours 18yr old babysits for me every week. She is a nice girl, friendly, the kids like her. She is not brilliant at getting them to bed but I can live with that for one night.
I have noticed though that a few little things are going missing, perfume, make up, few pounds out of DD1's purse.
At first I didn't think anything of it. But it is starting to stack up. The day after she has gone, I notice the odd little thing missing and not found after a good search.
One was my best perfume, a large expensive bottle (£50) :(
I mentioned it to her by the way, saying perfume and some make up had gone missing, and had she seen it when she put the girls to bed. She shrugged and said she'd look around for them.
I am pretty sure its her. Had a word with a friend of mine (who is also friendly with neighbour), and apparantly this was an issue at her grandmother's and caused some family fall out.
What to do? It will be my word against hers if I talk to her mum and may create some bad feeling. I have a new babysitter lined up, do I tell her why I don't want her back.
Actually I feel sorry for her, lots of issues with her mum and dad (divorced) and her stepdad. Troubled girl I suspect. But I can't have a thief in my house looking after my children can I.

OP posts:

brighthair · 10/09/2011 15:59

Just get rid, no explanation needed as such
A friend stole from me and i was trusting enough to think she had grown out of it. Big mistake and i learnt my lesson

apprenticemum · 10/09/2011 16:14

Tell her that you have suspected for a while that she has been thieving and therefore left things out, which she has as expected taken. Tell her that after making enquiries, she has a reputation and that you will be speaking to her parents if she does not return the perfume and other items. Oh and that she is sacked!

FabbyChic · 10/09/2011 16:15

I'd say to her, things are going missing when you babysit who are you having in the house whilst you are babysitting.

Sandinmyshoes · 11/09/2011 08:06

Why not try a nannycam next time she babysits? Then you will know for sure.

ExpensivePants · 11/09/2011 08:14

I don't know about going to her parents. She's 18, old enough for you to sort it out with her. Up to her if she tells them.

RalphGnu · 11/09/2011 08:41

Tell her you won't be requiring her services any more as you can't afford to go out due to having to replace expensive perfume and other things that have been going missing recently.

walkingonthebeach · 11/09/2011 08:56

I don't know your circumstances but I am surprised you have allowed someone continuous access into your home who you know behaves in this way. It looks as if she has just taken perfume and coins - annoying certainly - but presumably you have things like bank and credit card statements in your home, as well as cheque books, electronic items such as phones and ipods or laptops? This could well get a great deal worse. I don't think that it will; it sounds as if she is a magpie rather than a hugely organised thief but why take the risk?

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 11/09/2011 08:58

Well obviously you should sack her. As for telling her why, I think you should. It's just getting the wording right.

LottieJenkins · 11/09/2011 09:14

Are you 100% sure it is her? We had that thread on here a few weeks ago when a lady rang Sky and said the installation man had stolen her ring. In the end she found the ring in her bra!!!!

Bathsheba · 11/09/2011 09:20

Frankly I'd say "Look, I know its you. I left a bottle of xxx perfume out before you were here last week. As soon as you had gone, I checked, and it had gone. You have 24 hours to return my possessions to me, or I go to the police. This whole thing has really saddened me because we got on so well and I know the children really love you and I now have to explain to them why you won't be looking after them any more."

I'd do that by email or text because I wouldn;t have the nerve to say it to her face

HecateQueenOfWitches · 11/09/2011 10:11

She probably thinks she's getting away with it because the OP keeps having her back and back and back. I realise there's the childcare issue, but look at it from her pov. She nicks something little - nothing happens and OP has her to babysit again. She nicks something else - nothing happens and OP has her to babysit again. She gets a bit bolder, nicks something bigger. OP asks if she's seen it, she says no - OP has her to babysit again.

She must think she's untouchable!

ShellyBoobs · 11/09/2011 10:29

I like FabbyChic's line of questioning.

It's not directly accusing her of the thefts but is telling her that you know exactly what's going on.

Original poster

macdoodle · 11/09/2011 14:29

Initially I really wasnt sure if it was her, if I had just misplaced things etc. But it has become more obvious and no way things are repeatedly getting lost. I am 100% certain it is her. No one else has access to the house. Have spoken to my 10yr old and am sure it isnt her.
This is not ad hoc babysitting, this is a regular work shift. No way at all I could cancel it both for financial and professional reasons.
I have been trying to find another regular babysitter. And now have someone who can start in October.
I am usually a very direct person and do not shy away from confrontation. In this case I am really not sure how to handle it, because of her age I do not want to get accused of bullying/making her cry/upsetting her etc and she could easily trun this round as I have no proof. Also I am fond of her :( She has a difficult home life and I believe I have provided a supportive listening ear and advice. Am upset she has abused my trust and home.
She wont be coming back though.

OP posts:

AuntiePickleBottom · 11/09/2011 14:35

i would allow her to do 1 more babysitting and set up a camera.

get a fake ring or something not to real value and set the camera up.

Bangtastic · 11/09/2011 14:38

Write her mum a list of all of the things that have gone missing from your house, and tell her that if she doubts you, then to go and look for them in her DD's room without giving her any notice.

I wouldn't let her back in my house. Even for this one last time, no chance. I'd rather call in sick than leave a thief alone in my house, taking the things you are going to work for.

cumbria81 · 11/09/2011 14:40

don't go to her parents. She's 18, not a child. If you want to confront her, confront HER directly.

Original poster

macdoodle · 11/09/2011 14:45

I can't call in sick because of childcare They would really struggle to fill the shift, would leave a large area without out of hours medical cover, my name and professional reputation would be shit. Oh and I wouldnt get paid.

OP posts:

Bangtastic · 11/09/2011 14:50

Is there absolutely nobody else who could babysit for you? No family or friends who can do it as a on off if they know the circumstances?

Tchootnika · 11/09/2011 14:53

If you have to have her in the house to babysit, then why not go for Fabby's approach? - i.e. say you're really concerned that she's been letting someone else in, things have gone missing, etc., so she MUST NOT have anyone round while she's there.

troisgarcons · 11/09/2011 14:54

Easy to pick up on ebay - a florescent paint and torch for less than a fiver. You coat something with it - it cant be seen unless a torch is on it.

EG it's a bottle of perfume. When you come home dash straight to the loo - check the perfume - if its gone then you ask her to hold out her hands. If her fingers glow then you call the police.

If you don't like that sort of confrontation. Shut your bedroom door. At the bottom, slip a match stick in the gap. If the door is opened the stick won't be there when you get home. Alternatively you can 'glue' a hair with spittle from frame to door. If its broken, the door has been opened.

However at 18 she is an adult - not her mother - but the girl - she must be dealt with face to face.

I cant believe is you thnk she is a thief that you would entertain the idea of having her in your house because it is convenient for you. Must admit - that has totally puzzled me.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/09/2011 14:56

By FabbyChic - "I'd say to her, things are going missing when you babysit who are you having in the house whilst you are babysitting."

That is an excellent suggestion, because it ties the thefts to when she babysits without being a direct accusation. If she says no-one, then you could raise the matter of the bottle of perfume last week. Because there's no doubt in your mind about that theft, as there is with the earlier ones.

I know it's hard to confront people, but you have (at least) two very good reasons to do so. Firstly, if you don't, you will feel bad about yourself that you didn't and it will knock your self-confidence. Secondly, if you don't, she may escalate her behaviour until someone else does and she is in serious trouble/jailed, and you will feel bad for not nipping it in the bud.

cheesesarnie · 11/09/2011 15:01

id confront her,its not bullying,its confronting a theif.tell her you have to let her go because youve reason to believe thats shes stolen from you.ask for your belongings back and tell her if they are not returned you will phone the police.id also warn her that i would make sure that anyone babysitting jobs in the future will know about her behaviour.

if shes old enough to be responsible for your dc then shes old enough to deal with the consequences

Tchootnika · 11/09/2011 15:06

FabbyChic and WhereYouLeftIt approach:
probable advantages

keeping your things safe at least this time;
not direct confrontation, therefore not 'bullying', not being seen to be jumping to conclusions, etc. - and so not giving her ammunition for then turning the whole thing back on you;
if you feel sorry for her (can't think of better phrase, but it sounds as if you do, sort of...) then it goves you time/space to think of next move (if you want there to be one).

freesiaLiliy · 11/09/2011 15:30

If you like her and feel that some of her problems are a part of her difficult upbringing then would it be best to sit her down for a gentle chat, tell her again you have noticed things missing and think it is her, be gentle and ask why she has abused your trust in this way. letting her know just how disappointed you are could have more effect that chastising her or bringing in police although it would be fair to tell her that you would be within your rights to call them. Ask that she return the items please and no more will be said but that unfortunately because of your lack of trust you are no longer prepared to employ her and have found someone else. it sounds like she is seeking help rather than organised thieving or you would have seen more stuff go too if she were doing it to make money. my friend used to be a bit of a kleptomaniac and steal sometimes really pointless things from us and when confronted she said she didn't know why she did it but hadn't realised how hurtful it was, she too had a difficult life. Restorative justice is now used by the courts as a way of getting people to accept the consequences of their actions on their victims and is seen as succesful ,the victims are given the chance to confront the perpetrator in a similar way to what I am suggesting here. its difficult but she needs to know how this has made you feel. good luck.

gillybean2 · 11/09/2011 15:31

How do you know she's not taken jewellry or other expensive items. At what point will you say enough is enough?

Get a temporary babysitter in the mean time if you really have no alternative. There is bound to be someone else if you ask neighbours and friends who they use. Or ask teh new person who is starting if they know anyone who can fill in for them mean time or is there any chance they can start earlier...

Sitters is always an alternative option. Might be a bit more expensive that you pay now, but will save you the cost of replacing stolen stuff and is only until October....

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