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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In-laws dog when they come to visit the new baby

60 replies

AlreadyStressed · 01/08/2011 17:31

This is my first AIBU - please be gentle with me! I've namechanged for this as I don't want to out myself....

DH and I are expecting our first baby in a couple of weeks. We don't have pets, and we've just had our pale carpets cleaned and the house redecorated. PIL have a small dog which she says becomes very stressed and anxious (diarrhoea and vomiting) when he is separated from MIL- to such an extent that she refuses to leave the dog in the car even if she's just popping into the shops. I am adamant I don't want dogs in my house. Several of my friends have dogs but they've always understood that I don't want their dogs in my house, and have made alternative arrangements when they come around to visit. PIL's dog isn't reliably continent, especially in stressful situations, which I would imagine coming to a new house would be for him. He's also not been castrated so there is a good risk he will mark in the house. The house is small and it's going to be a squeeze with visitors anyway, without the addition of a dog (although he is small). The other thing is that he's not ever met any babies before, and it's entirely possible that given he's so worried when separated from MIL he will be jealous, and I don't know how he will react to a baby.

I've said I don't want the dog in the house when they come to visit. They say they can't leave him anywhere because he becomes just too stressed with anyone else. I am very worried that we're going to reach an impasse when the baby arrives that I don't want the dog here, and they'll say that I'm being massively unreasonable and stopping them from visiting their grandchild. I don't want to stop them from seeing their grandchild but I don't see why I should be the one to compromise given that it's my home. I also don't want to spend the whole time they're here on edge watching the dog's every move.

So, am I being ridiculous? FWIW, I've felt like this about the dog coming for years anyway, so it's not just PFB (although there probably is a bit of that here as well....) Also, does anyone have any ideas of a compromise that could be made that everyone would be happy with? Really appreciate your help - this is stressing me out.

OP posts:

FigsAndWine · 01/08/2011 18:37

I'd say the only answer is to go and visit them, since neither of you is likely to budge, and any meeting in your house are likely to be stressful either way.

stripeywoollenhat · 01/08/2011 18:37

i imagine though, that if they are inconsiderate enough to be insisting that if you crate the dog and leave it in your kitchen, you'll wind up in some sort of weird stand off about the its whining, where your MIL will want to take it out to comfort it. i would just stick with no dog.

QuickLookBusy · 01/08/2011 18:38

YANBU

It is ridiculous that they cannot leave their dog with anyone else.

The thing is they have to sort this problem out because in less than a year you will have a sitting/crawling/mobile baby. You definitely won't want a spewing, stressing dog anywhere near your baby then.

Sleepglorioussleep · 01/08/2011 18:43

Crikey, why would anyone, dog lover or not, assume a dog would come along to visit someone? Think I'm out of touch with how things work with animals but no one I know has ever brought a dog to our house. Guess I'd grin and bear it if they asked or just did but wouldn't like it. And that would be the continent well behaved kind, and no new baby! Yanbu

luckylavender · 01/08/2011 19:06

YANBU. We have a dog and I would never dream of taking her to anyone's house. My parents live 250 miles from us and my mother doesn't like dogs so we we alternate arrangements. Her house her choice. Likewise we have a soon to be 15 year old son and when he was small I would not have dreamt of taking him to people's house who do not like children - I understand that. Stand fir.

Sleepglorioussleep · 01/08/2011 19:16

LemonDifficult · 01/08/2011 19:17

YANBU.

Leaving aside all the stuff about your carpet and what kind of dog this particular one is, it's just important to feel calm in your own space and your in laws should just respect that.

FWIW, though, I wouldn't make too big a deal out of this or enter into any negotiation or discussion. Definitely don't get into discussion about the behaviour of this dog as opposed to any other dog or you will get their backs up. Just say No Dogs, and that it applies to all dogs- but be sure not to say it aggressively or accusingly. If they try to discuss it after that change the subject, talking over them about the weather if necessary. Ideally, it's your DH doing the talking.

flatbread · 01/08/2011 19:25

I would definitely say no to the dog, with no compromise about the crate in the kitchen etc. PIL need to get used to seeing their GC without the dog, especially as the dog seems stressed and out of balance. And I say this as a dog owner who adores her mutt.

My dog sheds hair and stuff from her walks and I know that sometimes she has fleas . I can see the 'debris' on my wooden floors every day and can clean up easily with a steam wash. But this stuff will stay in your carpets and you may have to pop your baby on the carpets at some point in the next few months. Just very unhygienic for a new born, who still needs to develop some immunity before being exposed to major germs.

There is also the danger issue. If the precedence is set that PILs can bring their dog over with the baby around, in one of the subsequent visits their nervous, stressed dog might attack your baby when people are busy. A small possibility, but why would you take a chance?

Your PIL sound selfish and precious, imo.

VeronicaCake · 01/08/2011 19:30

YANBU. I think you have to be firm, if they want to come and stay they'll have to leave their pet behind. And if they'd like you to come to stay with them instead they will need to wait until you are all well enough to travel. Don't faff with crate/garden/nappy compromises, it just means you'll have the dog there sounding miserable and MIL hopping up and down every few minutes to ask if she can let him in now.

LolaRennt · 01/08/2011 19:37

You'll have enough to worrry about when your new baby arrives. Don't add an hysterical shitting dog to your worries. If they choose to not come they are stopping themselves seeing their grandchild. Not you

misty0 · 01/08/2011 19:40

Yep, dog lover/owner here too.

I second lemon and veronicas wisdom on the crate compromise being a risky business. MIL wont want to listen to the dog whinning and will want to get him out. Same goes for shutting him in the garden/kichen/car ect.

No dogs. Full stop. Someone had a good idea about FIL and MIL coming sperately to see baby, with one staying at home with the dog. This is not going to be a one off problem, and needs a firm foot put down.

How do they conduct a social life anyway? Out for meals ect??

Good luck OP.

LemonDifficult · 01/08/2011 19:44

This isn't really an issue about a dog, though. It's highly likely to be about control and respect. Partly, your in laws are pushing their luck with this because the balance of power is about to completely shift to you as mother of their grandchild and hence the displaced wrangle over the dog. They'd probably not try to have a squabble about their dog if someone invited them to a lovely weekend away at a grand stately spa but said no dogs - they'd just find a solution.

So, the best thing to do would just be to leave it 'No Dogs, No Discussion', and not rise to any attempt to draw you in to chat about it. It would be good if you could be friendly and warm to their adored pooch when you see them at all other times, though, just to show no hard feelings.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 01/08/2011 19:46

YANBU. I think you have to say no dog, in order to avoid future misunderstandings.

Scuttlebutter · 01/08/2011 19:52

OP, I think this is an opportunity to think long term. Depending on the age of the dog, it could be around for much of your child's early years - a lifespan of 15 is quite reasonable these days particularly for smaller breeds. So, you will need to be thinking of precedents and workarounds for the long haul rather than just this first visit.

YANBU at all to say that you don't want the dog in your home, but your case is not helped if you have previously allowed it. Some of the suggested alternatives (crate, garden/kitchen) may work, or work at certain times of the year, but will be difficult in the winter and once your baby is toddling/walking.

I think you and your DH really need to be very clear between you that if you ban the dog (and your ILs are as, erm, dog-centric as you say) that you will not have the benefit of them visiting you while the dog is alive. If you are happy with that, then that's fine. You will still be able to visit them at their home, and there, the dog has every right to be, subject of course to sensible precautions with your baby as they grow up.

Try again with a conversation with ILs - are they absolutely clear that NO means no, not just well, OK, then, yes, but with a grudgy face? Do you get any sense that there's scope there for some sense from them? I speak as a devoted/besotted dog owner, but I would NEVER take my dogs to a house where they are not explicitly welcome. More worryingly, I am particularly concerned at the severe anxiety shown by this dog - dogs should be able to cope with seperations from their owners such as holidays etc (obviously subject to proper arrangements being made for continuity of care). If this dog can't cope with these necessary separations, and your ILs are unwilling to engage professional help, then I think you will just have to accept not seeing them as much as you would perhaps have wished to.

The only other alternative I can suggest is to research something like a home boarding service or doggy daycare near you - would the ILs be happy with that? Sometimes people are happier knowing their dog is going into a "home" environment rather than a kennel, and quite often there will be other woofs around too, for walks, play etc.

If the dog is really struggling even with that, then the only other option if for them to visit in shifts, MIL seperately to FIL?

Congratulations on the new baby by the way.

LineRunner · 01/08/2011 19:53

Jeus, that poor dog. The PIL have 'created' a little stressed out animal that deserves better than this.

Everyone in the family needs to say no, not just you.

If you are feeling generous, give them the name of a nearby dog trainer.

Truckdriver · 01/08/2011 19:53

Say NO, NO, NO!

In fact get your DH to say NO, NO, NO. This should not be something you have to carry.

Andrewofgg · 01/08/2011 20:09

On second thoughts, don't be super-reasonable, no compromise, just plain NO and mean it. And as others have said make DH say so too; not only his parents, his home and above all his child very soon.

And good luck to you both.

LemonDifficult · 01/08/2011 20:11

Loads of things will change with a new baby, this is just one of the things they'll have to suck up.

Is this their first grandchild OP?

G1nger · 01/08/2011 20:15

Let the dog in - to your garden, where it can whine as much as it bleeding well likes.

The rest of the conversation is, in my opinion, far more hassle than it's worth. Let them bring the dog - but don't allow it in the house.

Original poster

AlreadyStressed · 01/08/2011 20:30

Thanks all for your advice, it's much appreciated.

Yep it's their first grandchild. I don't want to be responsible for starting world war 3, so DH and I are going to have to think carefully about how we manage this.

I can't remember who said it but it does feel like it's a bit of a battle of wills, as they leave the dog with a sitter when they go abroad from time to time.

It's just a horrible situation forcing DH to be stuck in the middle and having to deal with unpleasantness when we should be having a happy time celebrating a new baby. DH agrees with me but it's going to be tough to stand firm.

Thanks again for all your opinions, it's given me lots to think about and it's good to know that you don't just think I'm being a hormonal weirdo!!

OP posts:

LemonDifficult · 01/08/2011 20:34

If it's their first, you might find that they decide they don't want the dog near the baby once it arrives and they're completely smitten anyway.

minko · 01/08/2011 20:40

I had exactly the same situation when my DD was born and my in-laws insisted on bringing their smelly incontinent Westie. Unbeknown to me my DH even let them sleep in what was going to be the baby's room with the dog whilst I was in hospital after my caesarian! I freaked. The dog stayed in the car from then on. I insisted DH clean everything thoroughly before I came home. My in-laws sort of understood, though it never occurred to them that it would be a problem. But it's your first-born you are allowed to be a bit picky!

However, if it has been to a dog-sitter before it can blardy well go again - you're not going to want visitors for long with a new-born in the house so the dog won't have to 'suffer' long.

springlamb · 01/08/2011 21:02

I grew up with dogs, so did DH.
However, when DS was born I suddenly didn't want the ILs' two dogs around the house, even though they were well behaved and totally continent, I just didn't want them.
From then on (for the next 3 years), ILs took to visiting for the weekend one at a time, leaving one at home with the dogs. They probably didn't like it much but I didn't really care. On 'occasions' when it was important to be altogether, we visited them and were just very very careful, of course they were short visits.
Now the dc are 16 and 9, the house is full of horrid smelly hairy Golden Retriever.
Your baby, your house, your rules.

YouDoTheMath · 01/08/2011 21:05

Don't compromise. Don't go to them. Your house, your baby, your rules, YOUR special time. This is not about them and what they want - it's about you, your DH and newborn. PILs come to you, and they leave their dog behind.

Don't let them think they have a say in the matter or they'll be dictating forever more.

MightyQuim · 01/08/2011 21:15

OMG - they leave the dog with a sitter to go abroad in which case they don't need to bring it to your house! Just say no as many times as necessary. If they must bring the dog then meet them in the park. I wouldn't even want it crapping in my garden tbh.

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