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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to end it

32 replies

ChuntyCops · 01/08/2011 05:22

DH and I have been together for 8 years,married for 7. We have 4 DC,aged nearly 7,nearly 5,3 and 15 mnths. I suffer from depression and have done since the birth of second DC. Over the last few years things have gotten progressively worse between us,to the extent that I asked him to move out about 7 months ago. Since he moved out I have felt much better,and a couple of months ago we decided to try again. Things were good for a while but lately it seems bad again. I'm not perfect by a long way,and I have kissed 2 other men during our marriage,which I am totally ashamed of and admitted to straight away. DH is,and always has been,controlling,belittling,demeaning,emotionally abusive and violent,tho only to walls,doors etc. I love him still,and always will,but I don't feel anything anymore. I don't feel in love with him,I don't feel a connection anymore,I don't want to make love to him and sometimes he makes me feel physically sick. I would love it if this could improve in time but I'm beginning to think it's not going to. DH says I'm the love of his life and I don't want to hurt him,but surely it's better to end it than keep stringing him along waiting for something that may never happen? Does anyone have any advice? Sorry if it's a bit long-winded and hard to understand but I'm very confused and I just poured it all out!

OP posts:
cookcleanerchaufferetc · 01/08/2011 05:37

It seems like you should end the marriage. He is being violent and abusive and that s wrong. You have already split up and you say you got better. It seems like he is very controlling in your life. I know it must be hard because of dc but you need to think of them also. are they witnessing his behaviour? I would send him packing now so the older kids can adjust before going back to school. you can do it without him, life will be better. Just don't let him back. He has proved he is not going to change.

Original poster
ChuntyCops · 01/08/2011 05:41

Thanks for replying,that's what I thought but it's nice to have some clarity. The children do witness it most of the time. A few times they have heard him say he is going to kill me and seen him punching things. They also saw him spit a mouthful of burger over me because I didn't put my hand over my mouth when I coughed!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/08/2011 05:44

YANBU. I think if you're with someone that makes you feel worse about yourself and your life than better, then they are simply the wrong person. I hope you're getting treatment for your depression but, if him not being in your life makes you feel better, chances are that your depression isn't entirely clinical.

What 'Love is'... is unique to everyone. But what 'Love isn't'.... is one party being 'controlling, demeaning, emotionally abusive etc.' to the other. If you're the love of his life, I'd hate to see how he treated people he didn't like Hmm

There are many cases where it is better to end it. For you, for him, and for your children who won't be getting anything positive from seeing mum and dad in such a miserable relationship. There is life after a bad marriage, and it's often better.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 01/08/2011 05:47

Omg, that s awful! Can you please get him out of your life ASAP.

iscream · 01/08/2011 06:11

It doesn't sound like a relationship that is good for you or your children.
I think you all deserve better.

Animation · 01/08/2011 07:01

Yes he is emotionally abusive and I'm sure it would be best if you split.

Practically though, that must be hard to do when you have 4 small children.

Good luck if you can follow it through.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/08/2011 07:06

The OP has managed 4 DC for several months solo and felt better as a result.... think that puts the odds of her managing a more permanent split pretty high. Btw... don't worry that you kissed other men, OP. If you're deprived of affection at home, it's understandable to seek it elsewhere.

Pelagia · 01/08/2011 07:11

I agree that he is not going to change. I shuddered reading about the threats to kill and spitting on you. In front of your children! YOU DESERVE BETTER. SO DO YOUR CHILDREN.

You have and will cope on your own - not just cope, thrive I reckon. Good luck (((hugs)))

ledkr · 01/08/2011 07:15

He says you are the love of his life and then treats you like shit? Dont take any notice of that he is being manipulative.
Try not to feel bad for hurting him,he doesnt seem too bothered about hurting you does he?
Lots of luck.

Animation · 01/08/2011 07:18

Why do some guys get so abusive and so manipulative with it - what's wrong with them?? Confused

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/08/2011 07:32

What's wrong with them? They have posessive personalities. They derive their self-worth from a combination of crushing anyone weaker than they are, and sucking up to the bigger boys. They have a talent for finding partners that are loyal, loving and forgiving and who have just enough insecurities to be grateful for a man in their life, however imperfect. They always start by being charming and romantic..... and any early displays of posessive behaviour they explain away as 'I'm so scared of losing you because you're the love of my life'. The partner clings on to this first experience and hopes things go back to how they were. When things get critical... like the OP's partner, being made to leave the family home.... they turn on the charm for long enough to get their feet back under the table and it all starts over.

It's a very common pattern and not exclusive to men btw. A lot of people have this character flaw.

biddysmama · 01/08/2011 08:15

i not going to say that you should leave your husband as its not my place, but read your op and write down what you would say if that was written on here by someone else, what would your advice be?

Original poster
ChuntyCops · 01/08/2011 10:33

Thanks for the advice everyone,I feel better now I've made the decision to end it once and for all. It's hard because I love him but we can't go on like this. He says that my house being a bit messy will affect the kids in the future and he could write a report on each of them(he's a psychotherapist) but I think us staying together would damage them more. I'm going to tell him tonight.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 01/08/2011 10:39

He's a psychotherapist and thinks he could write a report on your children? What about the report that could be written on him? Violence, threats of murder, spitting at your wife? That would keep a whole team of psychotherapists going for a long time.

Please make sure you tell someone else (family etc) that you're going to tell him tonight and arrange for them to be by their phone all night.

Original poster
ChuntyCops · 01/08/2011 10:46

I know IB,he's so focused on my faults(of which there are many don't get me wrong)that he's blind to his own. I will tell someone else,I've got a couple of friends down the road that I'm going to speak to today. They're waiting for a chance to intervene and have been for a while :)

OP posts:
Mitmoo · 01/08/2011 10:49

I would also do this to help you to decide, though it sounds as if you have already.

Go back over a week, write the

Monday - what he's done good on one side and bad on the other

and then make a list of reasons for staying with him and reasons for leaving.

It helps to see it written down when I did it I had the fors for staying together was that I loved him Blush and vomits, but the reason for leaving one was massive.

It just made it all clearer in my head.

thisfantasticvoyage · 01/08/2011 10:51

To say this guy is such a twat, seems slightly odd that you had four kids with him...what's all that about?

AnyFucker · 01/08/2011 10:53

This bloke is an abusive fuckwit

he may be a learned emotionally-abusive fuckwit, but he has zero insight to his own behaviour

get him out of your life, before your children learn this is how adults relate to each other

he sounds absolutely fucking awful, please stick with your wise decision to end, it permanently this time

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/08/2011 11:09

Get yourself a good solicitor as well as talking to your friends. That sideswipe about the effect of a messy house on children's futures sounds like he's already gearing himself up to challenge you as a parent. Make notes about his past behaviour and keep them updated going forward. Get all the dice loaded on your side and all the help you need. Good luck

Original poster
ChuntyCops · 02/08/2011 22:42

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply,I've had a weird couple of days. I told him it was over last night and he took it surprisingly well. He was calm but upset. I let him read this thread so he could see what you had all said. He was shocked but said he realises he needs to change. I said he needs to prove it but we won't be together while he does so. Thanks again for all your advice :)

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 03/08/2011 00:25

Chunty? don't fall for his I'll change bullshit!

Get him out of your life asap.

If he wants to change, that is all well and good, let someone else find out if he's changed. He won't

solidgoldbrass · 03/08/2011 00:34

Oh shit, letting him read the thread was a bad idea. This man is your enemy and now he knows you are planning to leave, which can make such men very dangerous. Unfortunately, a significant percentage of people who work in MH care such as psychiatrists, nurses etc are acutally very abusive people who enjoy having power over others.
Your depression will improve no end when you are not being terrorized, bullied, spat at and lied to. Have a chat with Women's Aid about getting him out.

PissesGlitter · 03/08/2011 00:38

they never change and yes i speak from experience

bedheadz · 03/08/2011 08:35

how sad OP, your husband sounds like a bad un.

You have coped during your temp split you CAN cope with a perm split. Growing up in house were emotional abuse and violent outbursts WILL harm your children growing up in a messy house would be the least of their worries.
You have a messy house, I think "lived in" is the way you should look at it and with four dc whose house wouldn't be lived in.

I am sure he has some redeeming points but from your post he has none, dump him. My mum took twenty odd years to dump her controlling OH and she has never been happier, even got herself another partner who is the complete opposite of the last loser.

ShoutyHamster · 03/08/2011 09:52

So you're the love of his life?

Well OP, you've now seen what a GREAT personality this man has - he chooses to bully/abuse/threaten the love of his life. That's the way he likes to treat the person he apparently loves best. God help your children when they get old enough to defy him, eh?

Spitting burger over you? I'm not surprised he makes you feel physically sick.

Do yourself and your children a HUGE favour. Get rid permanently. You've done the hard part - he's out. Let me tell you - as others will - he won't change. Never. He has spent years showing you what he is and you have spent years wasting time not living as you should.

Move on to a better life. Your children will thank you for it. He's out, KEEP HIM OUT. MAKE THIS A PERMANENT CHANGE - don't waste even more time on his whining and promises. Please.