to want to end it

[ChuntyCops]

DH and I have been together for 8 years,married for 7. We have 4 DC,aged nearly 7,nearly 5,3 and 15 mnths. I suffer from depression and have done since the birth of second DC. Over the last few years things have gotten progressively worse between us,to the extent that I asked him to move out about 7 months ago. Since he moved out I have felt much better,and a couple of months ago we decided to try again. Things were good for a while but lately it seems bad again. I'm not perfect by a long way,and I have kissed 2 other men during our marriage,which I am totally ashamed of and admitted to straight away. DH is,and always has been,controlling,belittling,demeaning,emotionally abusive and violent,tho only to walls,doors etc. I love him still,and always will,but I don't feel anything anymore. I don't feel in love with him,I don't feel a connection anymore,I don't want to make love to him and sometimes he makes me feel physically sick. I would love it if this could improve in time but I'm beginning to think it's not going to. DH says I'm the love of his life and I don't want to hurt him,but surely it's better to end it than keep stringing him along waiting for something that may never happen? Does anyone have any advice? Sorry if it's a bit long-winded and hard to understand but I'm very confused and I just poured it all out!

Thanks again everyone,I will definitely keep him out now. Reading other threads on here has opened my eyes a bit more too. It's hard to get out of the mindset that everythings my fault.

If you need to make another thread, perhaps under a namechange, please do. The relationships board is full of insightful ladies who have been through this too. Good luck x

Thanks :)

Chunty, I agree with everything said here. Please, I know it's hard to listen to, but it's all true. You need to remove him from your life, for good.

It is hard HH,mainly because I still do love him,but I don't want to be unhappy forever and I think this is the best for us and the children. I always swore I'd never be divorced as it had such an effect on me when I was little,but better that than unhappy parents I suppose. Thanks everyone for all the support :)

I would name change Chunty - he knows your name and you should really keep this stuff separate from him now. Good luck.

You love a person created to reel you in. That person is gone, never existed. Console yourself with that, you are chasing a mirage.

You won't be unhappy forever, unless you stick with him.

You can do this. Name change. The last thing you need is an abusive, manipulative man reading your thoughts and fears. He WILL use them. against you, the DC, any way he can to hurt and upset you. Trust me.