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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have told this man to get out of my life.

59 replies

toomuchdust · 29/07/2011 07:51

The backstory: Friends with benefits type situation. The last time i saw him was after a whole lot of hastle. He was annoyed that i didnt turn up once, when we had never arranged it ( i know, i checked, i have no communication that says that) and so, we re arranged for the next day at 8pm. When i sat waiting and he didnt show. Eventually at 9:30pm he logs online, i see, ask him where he is, and after a bit of ' i cant be bothered' he comes round for all of 40 mins.

I decide there and then that im done with it because im worth way more than that, even in a friends with benefits type situation.

Two days ago he starts texting me, all flirty flirty and i decided, what the heck, why not. So, we arrange for me to go to his, last night, at 8pm.

I sent him a text yesterday lunchtime, to which i got no response, but i thought ' dont get het up, he might be in meetings or just busy and will reply later'. So i have a shower, do my hair really nice, get ready, you know, make a little bit more of an effort. Gets to 10 mins before i was going to leave the house and the lunchtime text had still not been replied to... and i know hes at home, because i can see him logged into various websites.

So i text him, that if i turn up on his doorstep, is he going to answer it, or pretend not to be in? He comes back with ' im not in babe.'

I think fuck it. Tell him i am not a text wank service and not to contact me ever again. He comes back saying im being silly and having a ridiclous over wroght reaction. I unfriended him on facebook and within seconds he text me again saying he cant believe ive done that and how ' uncool' and over the top i am and he hadnt realised the plan for me to go over was binding.

I think hes a cock. I mean, how can an arranagement not be binding, if you say you are going to meet somewhere at a certain time... and then what? just dont go, or one of you doesnt go??? I dont understand.

AIBU? I dont think so. but maybe i am?

OP posts:
Original poster
toomuchdust · 29/07/2011 13:06

no. it is not hastle free and fun. there isnothing fun about what happened last night at all.

Which is why i reacted the way i did.

hes a cock.

OP posts:
izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 29/07/2011 13:23

Of course he's a cock - I thought that was the whole idea of male friends with benefits?

However, as you've discovered, he's an unreasonable and inconsiderate cock which are undesirable qualities in a fuck buddy.

You've told him you're not into him any more, and it's now time for you to look around for other roosters who won't ruffle your feathers.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 29/07/2011 13:30

eh???? Apart from needing two extra read throughs to work out he's a friend with benefits, rather than 'on', (not just you, previous poster...)

let's get this straight. He's your fuck buddy? WHo wasn't there when you wanted a fuck? Even if instigated by him?

Get over yourself and grow up. Fuck buddy? You have no right to expect anything. Just as well because he sounds a twat.

Be honest - the second you have a better offer, your current fuck buddy will be off the menu as well so you've only had done to you what you might have well done more slickly and nicely, yourself. Really. Just listen to yourself.

BluddyMoFo · 29/07/2011 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BluddyMoFo · 29/07/2011 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FellatioNelson · 29/07/2011 13:45

I think you are making the fuck buddy thing sound a bit more of a formalised arrangement than it necessarily is, people? Surely a FWB can be just a casual no-strings boyfriend of sorts, who you get on well with, have occasional sex with, 'date' from time to time, is your occasional 'plus one', but neither of you expect or promise exclusivity?

You make it sound like it is a rahter business-like sex by appointment thing. Either way, this bloke needs to be got rid of.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/07/2011 13:55

YANBU. It looks as if he gets off more on power (the ability to mess you around) than sex. Not a friend worth bestowing with benefits, getting rid was a very good move.

porcamiseria · 29/07/2011 13:58

YANBU
HE IS A COCK
thats all, you did good, trim him

you deserve better, please dont give this dick any more time or thought, PLEASE!!!!

Original poster
toomuchdust · 29/07/2011 14:03

yeah, i think you are all making it too formal. of course you cant demand sex of anyone, for goodness sake. I also dont have to shag him. and of course if a better offer came along, i wouldnt bother. ( in fact i was seeing somone for a short while and didnt see him then)

What im annoyed at, is basically, he treated me like a piece of shit and lied. sex isnt the issue here really. he invited me over, i said yes. Then, when i double checked, after feeling that something wasnt right.. he said he wasnt in. when i knew he was. all 10 mins before i was meant to be there.. ( 20 min drive away)

You dont treat people like that. Thats what im annoyed about.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 29/07/2011 14:04

Again, some of you are missing the point. Which is that this man is jerking the OP around. A FWB situation that works involves at least common courtesy - phoning or texting each other to ask if you fancy meeting up doesn't compel either one either way, but if you say 'Yes, let's meet at 8' or whatever, it's only polite to actually cancel if you change your mind rather than simply not turn up.
FWB is basically someone you have sex with, might socialise with, but are not committed to. It only works if you at least like each other enough to treat each other with courtesy and kindness.

lifechanger · 29/07/2011 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HedleyLamarr · 29/07/2011 15:17

YANBU in the slightest. You've arranged to see each other and if he wanted to back out of it he could have at least had the common courtesy to get in touch and be truthful about it. IMO of course Smile

mayorquimby · 29/07/2011 17:02

meh as bad as each other, if you don't want him in your life then get rid.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 29/07/2011 17:22

Needs must when fuck buddies are time-poor BloodyMoFo.

blewit · 29/07/2011 17:39

A friend wouldn't treat you like this. I think he's playing games with you. I think maybe he's got some hang ups about the situation. So I guess i would either talk to him or let him go.

LineRunner · 29/07/2011 17:45

OP, you are right that no-one should treat anyone that way.

Rude, annoying, silly, unnecessary and immature.

Pack him in as a friend.

AmberLeaf · 30/07/2011 03:55

FWB is BS......one is always more in to it than the other.

solidgoldbrass · 30/07/2011 09:10

DOn't be daft AMber, I have had several FWB with no hassle at all. It's a set up tha doesn;'t suit everyone, of course, but then it's blatantly obvious that longterm committed heteromonogamous relationships don't suit everyone and often go very badly wrong.

VirtualWitch · 30/07/2011 11:23

He is trying to play on the angle that because he is only a friend with benefits, he can get away with bad behaviour. Whether or not you fall for it is up to you. Sounds as though its not working though and causing you more hassle than its worth. Friends with benefits probably aren't worth spending any time on emotionally or mentally, as they aren't going anywhere, so I'd simply ignore as any future time spent is time lost.

ChristinedePizan · 30/07/2011 11:28

Ah yes, completely agree with sgb - I have had similar with a FWB situation so I knocked it on the head

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 30/07/2011 11:28

YANBU

An arrangement is an arrangement.

If you had posted that you were pissed off because you'd arranged to have coffee with a mate that you meet up with sometimes for a coffee and they'd been messing you around, not showing up, telling you that they can't be bothered to meet you after all, in short - being a general twat, the response would have been a universal YANBU!

The fact that this particular arrangement is about sex makes no difference. If you arrange to meet up, then you meet up OR you cancel. Otherwise you are treating the other person with contempt.

Which is what he is doing.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 30/07/2011 11:32

So how long have you been friends with benefits? You said you were seeing someone else a few weeks ago so either it's very new, on and off, or you were unfaithful to the one a few weeks ago.

Anyway, he doesn't sound like he's any good for you. Just move on.

ChristinedePizan · 30/07/2011 11:35

WGME - the whole point of FWB is that there is no promise of monogamy. So no one is being 'unfaithful'

AlpinePony · 30/07/2011 11:35

You've blurred the lines and have invested emotionally.

If you didn't give a shit you wouldn't be stalking him online and 'making an effort' to get ready.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 30/07/2011 11:35

You can't be unfaithful to a friends with benefits Grin it's not that sort of relationship.

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