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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering a "no strings" evening with someone.

49 replies

memeandmine · 28/07/2011 20:41

it has been 5 years since I had sex with anyone....mainly because I was very hurt by my exH who had an affair and hid it for a long time. On top of this he was making expensive calls to telephone chat lines...an addiction which predated our relationship.

So....after 5 years of separation I have suddenly experienced an awakening of my libido which I thought had gone for good.

A friend has been wanting to set me up for am long time with a friend of hers who has been supportive to her over the years (never been in a relationship with him). Anyhow this increase in libido has coincided with yet another of her matchmaking attempts and by now I have noticed that he has very nice eyes Grin

But....he has been vey badly hurt in the past and has said to my friend that he really does not want to get into a relationship... Fair enough...

Then today, out of the blue, I got a message from him via Facebook (we are not FB friends so he must have searched for me through my friend) saying he hoped I was not offended by his response the other day. I answered to let him know it was fine and that our mutual friend had just worn me down with her matchmaking and saying that after 5 years it was perhaps time to get "out there" again. He replied that he thought I should indeed get out there and enjoy life again.

So....throughout the day I have had various messages frm him culminating in an offer of a massage Hmm with sex just being optional.

I know he is nice, I know he has been badly hurt in the past and perhaps fears this again.

But......I am sorely tempted by the massge ( sex optional apparently.......oh yeah). I have never been a "one night stand" girl though and this worries me a bit. But...not to put too fine a point on things....I am gagging for it Blush and this is why I am tempted.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking I could just go for it and see where it leads (if anywhere). Other people have these "friends with benefits" don't they? Am I being precious in wanting more than this?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 28/07/2011 20:43

Er,don't do it!

LRDTheFeministDragon · 28/07/2011 20:43

Um ... I would usually be the first to say go for it, but it does sound a bit complicated. I think 'friends with benefits' only really works if you are both lucky, and very sanguine.

Onemorning · 28/07/2011 20:44

I had a glorious ONS a year after I separated from exH. I'd not had sex for 2 years.

If you think you'll be okay if he only wants a physical thing, I'd say go for it. But do take care of yourself iykwim.

Original poster
memeandmine · 28/07/2011 20:45

Bugger.....I hoped to be told "go for it" until I read my OP again.....Sad

OP posts:
worraliberty · 28/07/2011 20:45

I was with you up til your last line.

Do you want more than a friend with benefits or not?

It sounds ok in theory, but from what you've said..you sound as though you're 'deeper' than that and perhaps he is too?

Or he could be spinning you a line because he wants to play the field and get his leg over with more than one woman?

UsingMainlySpoons · 28/07/2011 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 28/07/2011 20:45

Bloody hell yes! Grin

You should go for it and see what happens.

Yeah you could get hurt, maybe you won't like him, but you won't know else.

EightiesChick · 28/07/2011 20:46

Would you be able to keep it as a f with b relationship, or would you be hoping it would turn into something else? Would you have to keep socialising with him if it all went wrong?

The one advantage of this guy is that as a friend of a friend, he would be less likely to be a potential nutcase where you would have to worry about your safety - although this should always be a consideration.

aleene · 28/07/2011 20:46

I would have said go for it until your last line - you want more than what he is offering. Don't get your feelings hurt.

AgentZigzag · 28/07/2011 20:47

Creepy? it just sounds like he's being upfront and doesn't want to lead her on, that sounds OK to me.

FreudianSlipper · 28/07/2011 20:47

if you are wanting more or to see what comes of it then no

but if you are happy with a night of sex then go for it, its great very liberating to not want anything more from them

LRDTheFeministDragon · 28/07/2011 20:47

Ok, if you want to be told go for it, then go - but tell a mate where you are, maybe arrange that she'll text/call if she doesn't hear from you by a certain time, take protection, etc. Be safe. Smile

Original poster
memeandmine · 28/07/2011 20:48

He has been very upfront about things which is honest....my friend says he is lovely but has had a crap time with women. His most serious relationship ended because she cheated on him and he was distraught.
I think I might wait to be honest - he's nice (honestly) but perhaps too hurt by his past. We'll see what happens if I wait a bit....

Thinking of saying that I cannot just jump into bed with someone (true) and need to get to know him a bit first.

OP posts:
LRDTheFeministDragon · 28/07/2011 20:49

Btw - what I said in my last post was just general advice, I didn't mean to suggest he sounds suspicious at all. It's just a good idea to be careful, imo.

AgentZigzag · 28/07/2011 20:49

Nobody would have any relationships with anyone if they waited because they were afraid of getting hurt.

Nobody wants to get hurt.

It's all a risk, even if you've been with them 10/20 years.

solidgoldbrass · 28/07/2011 20:50

As long as you take normal precautions (both in telling someone where you're going to be and in carrying and using condoms) why not give it a go?
Just remember that meeting him doesn't mean you have to have sex if you decide you are not so keen on having it with him once you do meet - maybe he smells or has awful underwear or something.
But with any luck it will be lots of fun for both of you.

Original poster
memeandmine · 28/07/2011 20:53

My friend who is very Frank in her expressions has told him that she will "bang him out" if he hurts me Grin.
My friend thinks he is actually very interested but scared by his past experiences....she has known him for around 20 years and knows him well. Says he is not into hurting people .....

OP posts:
janetsplanet · 28/07/2011 20:55

i did it a few months after my ex left. i hadnt had sex for years and suddenly found my libido. i got speaking to a lad on facebook that id known as a kid (he was the annoying little brother) he came round for a catchup and a quick shag then went home. i dont see or speak to him now and it suits me. just use condoms

anothermum92 · 28/07/2011 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JumpOnIt · 28/07/2011 20:55

Take normal precautions, make sure you're prepared for the likely outcomes and then GO FOR IT.

All the normal cliches apply. If you don't try, you'll never know. What's the worst that can happen?

Enjoy yourself :)

DoMeDon · 28/07/2011 20:58

I think it's interesting that you are considering your first relationship (even if just a ONS) with someone who has basically said they will reject you. I think it will damage any self esteem you have built up over the last 5 years. If he is intersted but still scared (or whatever Hmm) why not wait till he is just plain interested?

If you want ONS go out a find a guy in a bar to shag - your choice/your rules. Although i think healthy no-strings is only achievable by the very together/self confident people out there.

WentworthMillerMad · 28/07/2011 21:25

Yes go for it! Get it while you can!

Mare11bp · 28/07/2011 21:28

Go for it!! Can't see a reason why not.

Original poster
memeandmine · 28/07/2011 21:28

Yeah DoMeDon I think that you have hit the nail on the proverbial with that......I do think I could just about manage a ONS with this bloke.....even if just to get out there again. I am just amazed that having rejected me he is now suggesting this......my friend doesn't feel he is tne type to deliberately hurt anyone and says this is not usual for him to do.

I think I might have to get to know him a bit more before agreeing to this though.....even if I am gagging for it Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
memeandmine · 28/07/2011 21:29

....and more exhortations to "go for it" Grin

OP posts: