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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be considering a "no strings" evening with someone.

49 replies

memeandmine · 28/07/2011 20:41

it has been 5 years since I had sex with anyone....mainly because I was very hurt by my exH who had an affair and hid it for a long time. On top of this he was making expensive calls to telephone chat lines...an addiction which predated our relationship.

So....after 5 years of separation I have suddenly experienced an awakening of my libido which I thought had gone for good.

A friend has been wanting to set me up for am long time with a friend of hers who has been supportive to her over the years (never been in a relationship with him). Anyhow this increase in libido has coincided with yet another of her matchmaking attempts and by now I have noticed that he has very nice eyes Grin

But....he has been vey badly hurt in the past and has said to my friend that he really does not want to get into a relationship... Fair enough...

Then today, out of the blue, I got a message from him via Facebook (we are not FB friends so he must have searched for me through my friend) saying he hoped I was not offended by his response the other day. I answered to let him know it was fine and that our mutual friend had just worn me down with her matchmaking and saying that after 5 years it was perhaps time to get "out there" again. He replied that he thought I should indeed get out there and enjoy life again.

So....throughout the day I have had various messages frm him culminating in an offer of a massage Hmm with sex just being optional.

I know he is nice, I know he has been badly hurt in the past and perhaps fears this again.

But......I am sorely tempted by the massge ( sex optional apparently.......oh yeah). I have never been a "one night stand" girl though and this worries me a bit. But...not to put too fine a point on things....I am gagging for it Blush and this is why I am tempted.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking I could just go for it and see where it leads (if anywhere). Other people have these "friends with benefits" don't they? Am I being precious in wanting more than this?

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 28/07/2011 21:40

Do you have a vibrator OP? Much less heartache Grin

Whatmeworry · 28/07/2011 21:41

Ah, don't overthink it, just go for it - worst case is a lousy shag from someone who becomes infatuated with you and whom your friend is desperate to attach to you :o

MirandaGoshawk · 28/07/2011 21:51

He asked you out with the offer of a massage and sex on the side if you want? Does he think you're a cheap date Grin? Whatever happened to asking a girl out for dinner?

If he'd asked you out for a nice meal, massage etc I'd have said 'Go for it'!

thisfantasticvoyage · 28/07/2011 21:56

Cant you just go for a few pints with him OP and see what happens? A massage on a first date ffs, the creepy fucker.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 28/07/2011 22:31

Get him to spring for dinner in a tres costly decent restaurant first so that he has to make an effort to 'woo' you, otherwise your self-esteem may take a complete dive if you go down the road of thinking that he 'only wants you for one thing'.

It may transpire that you don't fancy him after you've seen him with spinach on his teeth once you've got up close and personal with his table manners, in which case you can make your excuses and leave.

If he passes muster and you're still gagging for it - go for it and enjoy, and leave him laughing and wondering if you'll be quite so easily available wanton again.

To some extent I agree with DoMeDon that 'healthy no-strings is only achievable by the very together/self confident people out there', but you're not going to join the elite by standing on the edge of the pool or fantasising about the action from a distance.

Take the plunge - you know you want to and there's no shortage of voyeurs volunteers here to help you patch yourself up if you hit your head, or any other part of your anatomy, on the bottom. Grin

Top tips: keep it light and avoid in-depth discussions of past/current partners, and keep your own counsel as compartmentalisation is an intrinsic part of setting up your very own fuck-buddy network.

solidgoldbrass · 28/07/2011 22:39

Yes, do bear in mind that when a man says he doesn't want a relationship then he doesn't want a relationship. And it would actually be unfair and unethical of you to have sex with him and then make a fuss if he then continuted to not want a relationship, given that he has been honest.

blueshoes · 28/07/2011 23:16

Great advice from izzy. What SGB said is also very sensible.

Does he have a nice face/body?

Lainey1981 · 29/07/2011 00:14

Go for it!

Original poster
memeandmine · 29/07/2011 06:05

Okay.....have now had a message inviting me out for dinner.......

Now THAT I might take up - need to get to know him befire any "no strings" stuff.

OP posts:
hairfullofsnakes · 29/07/2011 06:42

I have no problem with one night stands etc but this guy seems to have contacted you with one sole intention... He wants a fuck (!)

If that's ok with you and you are aware that is all he sees you as then it's up to you. It would have been nicer if he had suggested a no strings dinner instead?!

hairfullofsnakes · 29/07/2011 06:46

I have to agree with voyage the offer of a massage sounds creepy. Don't think that just because he has been hurt that he can't be a player with you or mess you around. He can.

Why not join some Dating sites, join a dance class, get out there instead? Joining some dating sites would really boost you!

Original poster
memeandmine · 29/07/2011 07:01

Yep! Going to get to know him a bit.....he honestly is not creepy - has a heart of gold but not so good with anything like this.

I can't do "no strings" I have decided....I will take him up on his offer of dinner and try to get to know him before I decide if I want to get into bed with him....and it won't be on a first date either.

OP posts:
pinkytheshrinky · 29/07/2011 07:09

Yes Dinner is a much nicer thing (for both of you). My point if you is that being offered a massage (and optional sex) via Facebook is just tawdry to be honest. I would say unless you are feeling extremely good about yourself at them moment then a no strings thing may not work for you. It is a fine line you walk with these things - it can be hugely disappointing particularly if you would like to repeat the experience..... Please be careful and just have dinner.

Also we often convince ourselves that fucking is what we require when often what we are really after is affection. Please really think about what is motivating this.

Original poster
memeandmine · 29/07/2011 07:47

Thank you pinky yes, I suspect you are correct.
Dinner it is then,
I just can't do "no strings", and I am not going to get hurt by doing so with him.
He is honestly a nice man, very supportive to my friend and others but a typical bloke trying it on I'd say (disclaimer - I realise not ALL men are like this).
I need to get to know him before I indulge....same as with any man really.

Thank you MNers for being here to advise...I really appreciate all your thoughts on this. Smile

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 29/07/2011 08:00

Messaging someone you are not friends with on Facebook to ask them for a shag is creepy.

And men who are so "hurt by their past" that they want to treat all women shabbily are a drag.

I wouldn't go anywhere near him after his manner of approach. He's only raking you to dinner as the price of the sex he's still expecting.

Yuck, yuck, yuck

There are other men.

MorelliOrRanger · 29/07/2011 08:32

I hope you have a nice time Smile

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/07/2011 08:50

I think this could get very complicated, OP. There are a lot of 'strings' already. He has a friendship relationship with your friend, he's been badly hurt yet he's willing to have 'just sex' with someone else who has been badly hurt... and why is your friend, who presumably knows that you're not really looking for 'no strings', trying to set you up with this man? I think the FB thing was a bit odd and the message that he sent you a bit jarring, it is to me anyway. Confused

If you do go ahead with it with this man, it could be very awkward at a later stage given that you have a friend in common.

I'm not at all good with relationship advice but if it were me, I think I'd go to a bar and see who caught my eye for my one night stand... far less complicated and doesn't involve anybody else with whom yo have any kind of relationship. Good luck, OP! Grin

Original poster
memeandmine · 29/07/2011 13:07

Yes - you are all correct here. I might share a meal with him (shared cost so no strings there) but no way am I going to sleep with him, however tempted.

I think he messaged me because he felt bad (my friend says he is like this....doesn't like anyone feeling bad....but I don't).

She also said he might "try it on", how right she was Grin. I admire his brass neck but am just not into "friends with benefits". Sex in a relationship is fine, but for me that's exactly where it needs to be so I will enjoy the banter but ignore the innuendo. Of course if he really wants to get to know me then he can....but I am no easy lay as he will discover.

Oh well, back to Plenty of Fish.

OP posts:
hairfullofsnakes · 31/07/2011 19:36

update please!

Xales · 31/07/2011 19:43

I think you want more than he is willing or capable of offering.

If you were up for a no strings one night stand I would say go for it.

I think there is already way too much thought and complication in this for a simple shag and walk away though.

notlettingthefearshow · 31/07/2011 20:41

I wouldn't do it - already sounds complicated and if he's a friend of a friend, could be uncomfortable in future. The ONS might be incredily awkward unless you are certain there's a good chemistry between you. It's not much of an offer - I would wait until you meet someone you genuinely can't resist, whether there's a future or not.

Original poster
memeandmine · 31/07/2011 22:10

Ha! Sent him a long email telling him I cannot do "FWB" and had a lovely email back. He said my friend has tried to set him up before so he made a non-committal answer. Anyway, he is still messaging me and we are still talking - no mire "massage" offers lol.Smile
He is now suggesting we go for a drink one night to chat which is fine with me.
From what I am hearing through others he is actually a nice guy, does a great deal of stuff for friends and cares about people. He is also a huge joker and will make comments like this "massage" one from time to time.

He is fine with me not wanting that kind of relationship and still wants to take me out. Nothing planned or agreed yet, just an evening where we will meet for a drink.

OP posts:
MorelliOrRanger · 31/07/2011 22:31

Lovely - well you should go and have fun. Smile

PinkSchmoo · 31/07/2011 22:47

I used to have a fuck buddy and it was great.

I knew him through a friend of a friend. We liked each other and got on well. We fancied each other but didn't want a relationship. Both too busy and too hurt and wanted to spend our energy on more selfish pursuits.

It was one of my happiest relationships as I expected nothing but sex and I got it almost on demand.

I don't think fwb should be embarked on if you want a relationship. If you want good fulfilling sex with someone you know and like but have no expectation of then go for it.

But I don't think that's what you want.

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