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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my Mother is RUDE and to be seriously angry?

56 replies

MumblingRagDoll · 27/07/2011 11:05

Ok....oday s DDs 7th birthday. She had her party last week as of the 5 little best friends she was allowed to invte, 3 were going to be on holday this week and wouldn't make the party.

DD was fine with this & we decided that today would be quiet....invited my Mum and a friend for a birthday lunch though....which DD is excited about.

My Mum was told last week and reminded last night that the lunch was due to be served at 12.30....she rang me half an hour ago to tell me that my siser had called asking for her to collect my neice from the train station at 1.30 and Mum had agreed!

I was Angry as lunch is being served at 12.30 and the stations half an hour away and my sistr lives another hlf an hour away so Mum would have half a fecking hour with us for DDs "Birthday lunch"

Is that shite? I told her it was and told her she should have told my sister about today....and I was basically upset at Mums lack of thought. Mum hung up, called my sister and then me...she told me tht "Sister is trying to get hold of BIL at work...." as though my neices lift home is MY concern!

Really pee'd off now I intimated that it didnt affect me or my DD as Mum as a prior arrangement with us.

Mum agreed she wouldbe here at 12.30 and said bye.

Then SHE RANG AGAIN a min ago trying to get me to make the lunch later so she can "please everyone"

I said no. I also got upset. AIBU?? Niece is 21 ffs and could get a train or bus or cab home!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 27/07/2011 11:25

So there will be 2 more kids for your daughter to play with, and a friend there for you to chat with. Then granny can arrive later and join in.

I know its not what you planned, but honestly, dont let it ruin the day for you all.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 27/07/2011 11:28

When I was 21 I wouldn't have dreamed of expecting a lift or any other favour along those lines. I suppose it's up to your sister if she wants to continue to treat her adult child like a little kid, but it shouldn't bugger up your plans and no, YANBU to be upset with your mum. There's a line between 'pleasing everyone' and simply double-booking and she's crossed it! Have the lunch with those people who've actually treated it as important and turned up intending to spend a nice leisurely time with you and your DD. Save some or not for your mum and make it clear that you will have lunch at the time it was always planned for, and if she can't be there then so be it.

fedupofnamechanging · 27/07/2011 11:30

I don't think you should postpone. Your mum has a choice. Either do the thing she already agreed to, or miss out on it in order to appease your sister.

Your mum ought to realise that she cannot be in two places at once and if you have a prior commitment and something else comes up, then unless that something else is a genuine emergency it is rude to expect the first person to rearrange everything to suit you. she ought to have said no to your sister.

I agree that it is diminishing your plans. I think you should tell your mum how you are feeling about this and why. Do it calmly and politely because I do think your mum is just trying to please both her daughters, but she doesn need to have it pointed out that your sister is taking the piss and that your plans don't revolve around your sister.

Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 27/07/2011 11:30

YANBU and I agree with everything ladyclarice said

don't let it spoil it for your DD

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/07/2011 11:30

Mumbling... I would be upset too. My mum does this; it's not that she's trying to cause upset but she does try to 'slot things in' and she takes pride in the fact that she's 'good at it', pleasing everyone, but really, it causes a lot of grief sometimes when she doesn't stick to the plans. She tries to improve on them if someone else needs something and doesn't think of what those plans were in the first place that's she's trying to unpick and rearrange.

I think you'll have to remind your mum of what she taught you growing up (and mine did too) that when you agree to something, you don't let people down. I have to tell my mum how long we'll be when I make a plan and ask her not to fit in other stuff. If she 'meddles' after that, I cancel whatever it was. Difficult in your case though... ask your mum how SHE would feel if she were in your daughter's position? Half an hour... pffftt.

)))mothers((( and (((mothers)))... sometimes they can't help themselves. :)

cjbartlett · 27/07/2011 11:33

I can see why you're upset but I'd try to salvage the day, maybe open the Pinot while you're cooking, you don't want to still be seriously angry when you're friend comes

when your mum turns up be nice and civil for your dd's sake

it's just one day, one lunch, the only 7th birthday you're dd will have

Wine cheers and happy birthday to your dd Smile

cjbartlett · 27/07/2011 11:34

apologies for the 'you're' instead of your Blush

Original poster
MumblingRagDoll · 27/07/2011 11:46

I started to feel like I should have just put it back but it is the principle of the thing and LadyClarice hit the nail on the head.

It's a special day for DD and I want it to be marked.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 27/07/2011 11:54

I was hitchhiking to Morocco at the age of 19....

I've just had similar, families eh? A change of plans and I have to accommodate myself around it
Was p. off at first, but then thought, ah, just get on with it, why stress about it for the whole day?
Tomorrow's a new one! Smile

I would just get on with the lunch and let them get on with it too. If they arrive after and all the food's gone, tough.

Ambergambler · 27/07/2011 11:56

If gd at station is 21, can she not go to a cafe and get some lunch and generally amuse herself window shopping or whatever until your Mum is ready? Surely she can wait. Not ideal, obv as your Mum would probably feel she couldn't stay as long, but I've a feeling that when this got suggested to gd, she would suddenly choose to make her own way home!

ThePopsicleKat · 27/07/2011 12:22

Oh dear OP, I feel for you! How awful to have such a nice event spoiled by thoughtless people. I am the same age as my niece and am pretty appalled at how much everyone seems to be bending over backwards so that doesn't have to use public transport! Bloody hell. I do feel a bit sorry for your mum caught in the middle, but as others have said, she knew the arrangement with you and should have just said no.

Is your sister perhaps annoyed that she wasn't invited to this gathering, and making trouble deliberately?

hester · 27/07/2011 12:36

YANBU. tbh I only feel a little bit sorry for your mum - I think it's not acceptable to do a kind of martyred 'I'm only trying to keep everyone happy' thing and not take responsibility for her choices and actions.

I'm sure it's right that you have to calm down and salvage the day as best you can, but you came on here to let off steam and you are entitled to do so. I would be furious too.

lashingsofbingeinghere · 27/07/2011 13:24

All I can say is, my DD (20) would not expect a lift home from anywhere if there was a decent bus/train/cab service instead. I would be miffed too at such lame behaviour from everyone.OP.

MadamDeathstare · 27/07/2011 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MightyQuim · 27/07/2011 13:41

YANBU. You should always honour the first arrangement made and, in this case, a 5 yos birthday tea should clearly take precedent over a 21 yos lift.
Don't change any plans. If your mum has to rush off having only eaten half her lunch because she's double booked then that's her problem. And let your mum explain to dd where/why she's going.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 27/07/2011 13:43

Your poor mum sounds like she is trying to please everyone. To you it feels rude, to her - she is just trying to keep the peace. Maybe she thinks your sister will kick off if she cant give her DD a lift because she is with your DD...........

In the grand scheme of things it aint no biggie is it......either make it later or ask her to come round after!!!

My mum was very selfless, which is what your mum sounds like. My mum died last year, believe me, I would love to be griping now about her being round a bit late for tea!

mumeeee · 27/07/2011 13:47

I feel a bit sorry for your Mum but she should have just said no to your sister. your niece should just get herself home. DD2 is 21 and gets herself from London to home by train and coach she then gets a bus to our house. The only time she asks for a lift is if her coach is arriving after the last bus.

chickincharge · 27/07/2011 14:08

Yes of course YOUR DD is more important, that's what this is all about, you think your mum should think your child more important than your sisiters, there appears to be a pattern emerging here, of spoilt girls of all ages.

ThePopsicleKat · 27/07/2011 14:12

I don't think it's about one child being more important, more that in this case a 7 yo''s birthday gathering which was arranged the week before should take priority over giving a grown woman a lift home on the spur of the moment because she can't be arsed to get a bus or train or taxi.

Angel786 · 27/07/2011 14:18

YANBU. My mum is always running late. Hours late. I just carry on with my own plans now regardless and try not to get upset. Just do lunch without her and when she shows up reheat it and explain yup couldn't have everybody else waiting?

hester · 27/07/2011 14:22

You see, I don't think OP's mum is being selfless. I think she is being self-indulgent. And I don't think it's fair to say OP's dd is spoilt - she is expecting her granny for lunch, and it was organised last week.

MightyQuim · 27/07/2011 14:25

If anything the niece is spoilt expecting the op's mum to dash away from her grandchilds party to give her a lift. Surely a 5 yo should be more indulged than a 21 yo anyway.

ChaoticAngelofGryffindor · 27/07/2011 14:38

If the 21yr old niece can make it from where she's coming from to the train station then she can make it the rest of the way home too.

YANBU Your DD should be prioritised on this occasion seeing as it is her birthday and the plans were made a week in advance.

TheBolter · 27/07/2011 14:43

Agree. The niece sounds indulged. By her grandmother at least. FGS, when I was 20 I got dropped at Heathrow by my dad and had to find a place to live in Spain on my own!

MightyQuim · 27/07/2011 14:44

Sorry just noticed the child is not 5 but 7. No idea why I had 5 in my head.

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