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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be so fecking angry that I cannot retalitate at the old lady at my dads place

72 replies

sunshinelifeisgood · 26/07/2011 23:11

Long story cut short:
My dad lives in sheltered accom due to alz, he is not ready for a care home yet. I have been looking after him for the last 18 months. I also make sure that the old biddies are ok
typical examples:
If one has forgot to get thier prescriptions I go and get them
If one has no milk I go get it
On a Friday I go get the fish and chips for thier supper
On the royal wedding I organised a party for them
One of the residents had a 80th birthday last weekend and I made sure she had the music she needed
I organised a big tv for the common room so they can all watch it
They wanted a kareoke so organised it and even got the music they wanted
blah blah blah
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago the warden promised to get a birthday cake from one of the residents to the other and then realised she would not have the time so she asked me to get it for her. No problem I said and that is exactly what I did. Only I made the error of getting the cake and putting it in the kitchen and not delivering it to the person who had brought it (even though she was actually out having her hair done and had no way of delivering it to her flat).
I then get to my dads yesterday and come into a frosty atmosphere and immediately knew something was wrong :(
Could not deal with it because I had to deal with my dad :(
Anyway, today I have gone to dads place and spoke to the warden who has informed me that "Sheila" is gunning for me
Conversation goes:
Me. Hello sheila are you ok
shelia. No I fucking am not
me. ok I get from the frosty atmosphere yesterday this has something to do with the cake, I am sorry made a mistake with that i apologise
sheila: so you fucking should be you ruined my weekend, you are always interferring, you dont live here so mind your own fucking business :(
there is more and it went on and on and I had to keep my mouth shut because they are my elders but sitting her tonight fuming :(

OP posts:

lesley33 · 27/07/2011 07:58

I agree that the other elderly people were probably scared of her. They would be afraid that if they stood up to her to defend you, she could make their life hell. So I do understand why nobody had the courage to defend you.

I also think from experience, that elderly and not very mobile people, usually have very little to think about in their lives. So every tiny issue seems to become for many people, a major issue.

We hear all about my FIL's upsets with various people - and usually they are so petty, most people would have forgotten about the issue in an hour. But he will go on and on about tiny upsets for ages.

REmember as well that just because someone is old, does not mean that they will be nice. There are plenty of horrible and mean people who grow into horrible and mean old people. She sounds like a bully. And what thends to work with bullies is to stand up for yourself.

So walk in with your head held high. If she is rude to you again you need to say something like, don't be rude to me, that is unacceptable and then walk away. Don't apologise again. You have already apologised, you don't need to do this again.

EuphemiaMcGonagall · 27/07/2011 07:59

I don't see what you did wrong: you did a favour for the warden, then it was up to her to deliver the cake to the right person on time.

Play it by ear: go in all bright and cheerful as usual and see what the atmosphere is like. Is there another old biddy you could sound out, to see if the general opinion is that you're "interfering"?

It sounds like you're being taken for granted. If I was making all that effort, and not even getting a thank-you, I would say "fuck 'em" and just help my dad out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/07/2011 08:02

YABU to think you can't retalliate just because someone is old. Probably a bit late to do so now but, if she tries being nasty to you again, put her in her place. Old is no excuse for being obnoxious.

seeker · 27/07/2011 08:12

Is it possible that the term "old buddies" - even if you don't use it aloud might just come across a bit?

SiamoFottuti · 27/07/2011 15:10

"old trout" "nasty old bitch" etc? Necessary? For someone you've never met...whats wrong with you people?

VeronicaCake · 27/07/2011 15:15

When I encounter rude older people I just shake my head sadly and think to myself 'Ah the older generation these days - they've no respect any more.'

hairfullofsnakes · 27/07/2011 15:18

Oh do get off your high horse siamo

Insomnia11 · 27/07/2011 15:23

I'd have told her exactly what I thought, not in a nasty way but very directly! Aged or not, it's rude and ungrateful. But I wouldn't withdraw my support, just carry on and accept that some people are just like that. You can't change them but you can change the way you are towards them.

Ormirian · 27/07/2011 15:25

Wow! I would tell her what I thought of her, elderly or not. Ungrateful, unpleasant woman!

SiamoFottuti · 27/07/2011 15:30

If its being on a high horse to not want to rant nastily (and offensively) about elderly people I've never met, I quite happy to be trotting along on mine. Better that grubbing around in the mud with you I suppose.

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 15:45

Realistically she has nothing to feel grateful for, she aked the warden to do something for her, the OP stepped in, she didn't ask her to.

The things that the OP is listing should be done by the warden, not by someone visiting, but i understand why the OP is doing it.

It has to be remembered that the OP is entering what is Shelia's home and does not have the right to create an atmosphere, she has to move on from this.

When you work in social care you understand how important professional bounderies are, so situations like this don't arise. If it is an ongoing problem then the warden should sort this out.

Birdsgottafly · 27/07/2011 15:49

Just to add i have worked in places were families have got a little over enthusiastic about helping out and it does tend to backfire, but the warden should have guarded against this. It can make some of the residents feel uncomfortable. To suggest saying in a loud voice in front of other residence that the OP is withdrawing help is very wrong, these are vunerable people.

2rebecca · 27/07/2011 18:37

I think the warden has behaved very badly here, and suspect she wouldn't treat a similar age person the way she treated Sheila. If I agree to get a cake for someone then if I decide it is no longer convenient for me to get the cake then I would ring the person who asked me to get it and apologise, suggesting other people who may be able to help. I wouldn't ask someone else to get the cake for me and drop it in when they are passing at a time which obviously was inconvenient for sheila as she wasn't in.
I presume Sheila was upset because she didn't get to see the cake first and present it personally to her friend but had it put in a communal kitchen where other people could see it so it wasn't a surprise.
The warden was thoughtless and should have checked it was OK with Sheila before arranging for the OP to collect the cake and it should have been agreed when and where the cake was to be delivered.
That doesn't excuse Sheila's rudeness but I think the OP should stop doing warden type duties and stick to just being a visiting relative and remeber she is a guest in their house..

Original poster

sunshinelifeisgood · 27/07/2011 23:32

Hi all, thank you so much for your replies. Some I agree with and some I do not. The warden should of sorted out the cake but she did not simple as that. I am guilty of doing to much for the older people and I must admit I have cried a few tears. I am now going to back of completely and let the warden do her job.
I have cried (stupidly) but felt that she might of well smacked me in the mouth to be honest. Until this year I have not been in contact with the older person and have learnt many a lesson. This is one that I have really learnt.
I now am going to sound bitter but I will back out and never do anything else for any of them again :(

One of the residents came up to me today and said "I am sorry that Shiela spoke to you that way but I need to stay out of it because I want a peaceful life"

My dad lives there and he also needs a peaceful life, but I must admit if she corners me again I will say the following:

I accept that I made a mistake, and for that I apologise but if you ever speak to me like that again I will make a official complaint, and if you dare take this out on my dad I will take it further"

OP posts:

GwendolineMaryLacey · 27/07/2011 23:44

But Siamo it's ok for one of your poor defenceless elderly to mouth off like that? And the op is automatically in the wrong? That's madness. The elderly aren't saints. There are good and bad just like anyone.

SiamoFottuti · 27/07/2011 23:50

No, they aren't and thats not what I said. None of us were there and have no basis for judging, let alone calling nasty names (which is really quite pathetic anyway).
IMO OP sounds rather childish and it sounds like they are as bad as each other. However OP is not an elderly person living in sheltered accomodation who is clearly not being looked after, and who could easily be showing signs of early dementia. Inappropriate anger is also a sign of depression which is very common in the elderly. Easier to bitch about it though, isn't it?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 28/07/2011 04:02

So you are making excuses for someone you've never met purely on the basis of their age. That's fair, isn't it? As long as you have the excuse of being elderly you can do whatever the hell you like. I shall have to remember that.

iscream · 28/07/2011 05:29

sunshine, you sound like a really lovely person. When you go back, don't think of that ungrateful person, just think of all the others who probably were shocked by her behavior as much as you were, but have to live with her and are afraid to say anything.
Just go for your dad, and you don't have to stop being so generous and giving because of her. I would ignore her and not do her any favours, but do what you feel makes your dad happy.

You don't have to do all that for all of them.

hairfullofsnakes · 28/07/2011 06:41

Siamo has emerged from goodness knows where to gift us with her 'holier than thou' presence dontcha know...

Quite amusing really

MinnieBar · 28/07/2011 06:53

I think your response sounds like a good one OP. Practise it a couple of times in the mirror so you're confident with it. Good luck!

MsHighwater · 30/07/2011 21:57

I'm with you, SiamoFottuti. There's a bandwagon on this thread, creaking under the weight of being jumped on.

OP, Sheila (I do hope you have not used her real name) might well be a "nasty old trout". Or she could be in the early stages of dementia (aggression and irrational behaviour can be early signs). Or your efforts might not be as well appreciated as you thought. I don't know what's the truth and nor does anyone else reading this who wasn't there.

Talk to the warden. She might be able to shed some light on the situation. Backing off is probably a wise move, regardless of the what really happened and why.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 31/07/2011 08:37

No we don't know the true story for sure. So let's take the side of the rude, aggressive one in the meantime

And you know what, that bandwagon crap is really really patronising and makes you sound like a bit of a twat instead of the moral crusader that you hoped.

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