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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so fecking angry that I cannot retalitate at the old lady at my dads place

72 replies

sunshinelifeisgood · 26/07/2011 23:11

Long story cut short:
My dad lives in sheltered accom due to alz, he is not ready for a care home yet. I have been looking after him for the last 18 months. I also make sure that the old biddies are ok
typical examples:
If one has forgot to get thier prescriptions I go and get them
If one has no milk I go get it
On a Friday I go get the fish and chips for thier supper
On the royal wedding I organised a party for them
One of the residents had a 80th birthday last weekend and I made sure she had the music she needed
I organised a big tv for the common room so they can all watch it
They wanted a kareoke so organised it and even got the music they wanted
blah blah blah
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago the warden promised to get a birthday cake from one of the residents to the other and then realised she would not have the time so she asked me to get it for her. No problem I said and that is exactly what I did. Only I made the error of getting the cake and putting it in the kitchen and not delivering it to the person who had brought it (even though she was actually out having her hair done and had no way of delivering it to her flat).
I then get to my dads yesterday and come into a frosty atmosphere and immediately knew something was wrong :(
Could not deal with it because I had to deal with my dad :(
Anyway, today I have gone to dads place and spoke to the warden who has informed me that "Sheila" is gunning for me
Conversation goes:
Me. Hello sheila are you ok
shelia. No I fucking am not
me. ok I get from the frosty atmosphere yesterday this has something to do with the cake, I am sorry made a mistake with that i apologise
sheila: so you fucking should be you ruined my weekend, you are always interferring, you dont live here so mind your own fucking business :(
there is more and it went on and on and I had to keep my mouth shut because they are my elders but sitting her tonight fuming :(

OP posts:
Nagini · 26/07/2011 23:59

does it matter what happened to the cake? It's no excuse for speaking like that?

Some people are just nasty, whether they are old or not :(

Original poster
sunshinelifeisgood · 26/07/2011 23:59

Nagini, I did not shout back at her I spoke very quietly and asked her to stop swearing and shouting at me. Yes I agree that hopefully it will all be over and done with tommorow. She comes from the East End of London and has had a very hard life and now is a true fighter, but has no reason to fight with me, I have done all i can to make thier lives easier (yes of course because my dad lives there). I was brought up to respect my elders but today she floored me in front of them all and I feel humiliated and walked upon even after all I have done for them. Thank god I do not do this for a living and I take my hat of to all that does

OP posts:
Nagini · 26/07/2011 23:59

OP, remember that if she spoke to you like that, she probably crushes the spirit of the others living there too :(

HerHissyness · 27/07/2011 00:07

You need to be firm, assertive and state as a matter of fact that you are doing things to help your dad and others.

You have the right to be treated with respect as you treat others and you will NOT be spoken to like that by her. Tell her to stay well away from you in future, or you will make a formal complaint about her to the warden.

Sadly, some nasty people grew up to be nasty old people. Just because people grow old and grey, they don't gain manners and class where they had none.

her hard upbringing ought to have taught her the value of people prepared to help those less fortunate or less able.

LineRunner · 27/07/2011 00:09

Nagini is right.

Sheila is a Spirit Crusher.

Original poster
sunshinelifeisgood · 27/07/2011 00:16

i appreciate all your replies honestly, the cake was not stale it was left in the main kitchen wich is in the area that they all sit and everyone knew it was there. Her birthday was the next day so no problem there.
My AIBU is or not, that I wish I could of floored her like she did me!!! never been so humulated in all my life and if she was my age I would of fecking floored her. now I am just feeling very sorry for myself. Will take on board what everyone has said and just be very polite but stop doing things for everyone. If at least one of them had stood up for me then ok

OP posts:
SiamoFottuti · 27/07/2011 00:20

What does "floored her" mean?

Original poster
sunshinelifeisgood · 27/07/2011 00:24

floored means that she swore, shouted, ridiculed, and yes I wish now that i did the same but have been brought up to respect my elders. Although tonight i am thinking that I should of "floored " her myslef. If she was 45 :)

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 27/07/2011 00:25

You can floor her by showing her the true meaning of dignity and class.

Be indignant, refuse to engage with her at her level and rise above her. Don't be polite, be angry, but thinly conceal it.

Keep your voice low, but full of meaning, TELL HER OFF! She had NO right to talk to you like that, who on earth did she think she was, that she was rude and ill-mannered and ought to know better at her age.

Tell her that she can fetch and carry her own things from now on, and (in earshot of the other residents) that unless you get a full and frank apology that you will be focussing on your dad to the exclusion of everything and everyone else. Say that you are sure that everyone would understand, and you are sorry, but you are sure also that none of them would accept you to be spoken to like that.

Good luck, you are a wonderful person and certainly don't deserve to be treated like this.

I can't bear bullies, no matter how old they are, there is never any excuse.

Original poster
sunshinelifeisgood · 27/07/2011 00:25

and i am now calming down :)

OP posts:
Dexifehatz · 27/07/2011 00:27

Unless this woman was senile I see no problem with retaliating with similar language.'You gotta take back what you give out.'

suburbophobe · 27/07/2011 00:33

Definately agree you need to step back from trying to be everything to everybody. You can see now that it does you no good. Concentrate on your dad.

You are right she had no business being so nasty to you but as one poster pointed out she could be in the beginning stages of dementia, it is a symptom.
Unless you are family or a professional it is best to stay away.

My mum became like that, she'd been sweet and sociable all her life.

SiamoFottuti · 27/07/2011 00:35

She might well be senile, thats the thing. OP hasn't mentioned any similar incidences.
Yet people feel free to jump in and rant about "nasty old biddies" and so on. Can't see why.

Original poster
sunshinelifeisgood · 27/07/2011 00:38

thank you all for your replies i really appreciate it and now have stopped crying which is silly at my age I know :( I am going to walk in there morro with my head held high because I have seriously done nothing wrong and she is just a "old" bully who has had a hard life but that is not my dad's or my fault. I have done my very best and will continue to do so. However, I will not be bullied and that is that :)

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinelifeisgood · 27/07/2011 00:42

just to add again my dad is the only one there with alz the other residents are just older people :)

OP posts:
proudfoot · 27/07/2011 00:45

Sunshine you sound so helpful and lovely. It is a shame that Sheila has not appreciated it on this occasion but I am sure the residents generally must realise how good you are to them. You sound brilliant. I could not do what you do! Keep your head high :)

SiamoFottuti · 27/07/2011 00:48

you don't know that none of them have any problems, how could you? Hmm

AgainWhen · 27/07/2011 01:49

Who hasn't kept a diplomatic silence in the middle of someone else's row?

Tee2072 · 27/07/2011 05:57

I haven't read all of the replies but I wanted to say; just because someone has gotten old, which takes no skill, talent or ability, does not mean they have the right to be abusive.

Next time don't take it. If you don't want to respond, walk away.

lifechanger · 27/07/2011 06:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeIsSpartacus · 27/07/2011 07:18

sunshine Will you be notifying the warden that unfortunately, having been asked to butt out by Sheila, you will now no longer be able to drive them on the outing/fetch fish & chips/prescriptions etc - I think the warden was cheeky to ask you (and belies the fact that Sheila's request to ask you to butt out should be redirected to the warden to ask her to do her own job). You can be perfectly pleasant to the warden but I think it is up to him/her to sort or smooth this over seeing as they got you involved in the first place in this particular instance.

Keep us updated and chin up - you sound like an absolute godsend to your dad's place - such a shame it has come to this - agree with Her Hissyness's advice - you don't have to shout to get your point across - the best teachers at school could squash most of us with a grim, quiet tone that meant business.

And if anyone asks you ooh could you be a love and pop to X for me, I would have to just say I'm very sorry but Sheila has asked for me to stop interfering/butt out and therefore I'm not able to help anyone anymore after her outburst at me because I don't want my dad to be bullied by her. That will also put any of the decent residents on the alert to look out for your dad against Sheila.

hairfullofsnakes · 27/07/2011 07:27

What Spartacus said

You sound amazing and she is a jealous old bitch. Be very frosty with her and show her through your actions u will not be bullied.

Chandon · 27/07/2011 07:33

sad lesson, but step back and just look after your dad...

NorksAreMessy · 27/07/2011 07:38

sunshine please don't stop being kind just because one old trout has a nasty mouth on her.
The others probably didn't want to get on her bad side, especially as she is a nasty piece of work. Do the others tell you that they appreciate what you do for them, or are they all ungrateful?

Can you keep being kind even in the face of this unpleasant woman? It looks like she has her own troubles. Perhaps she is jealous that your Dad has a lovely caring daughter and she doesn't...and somehow, that is your fault.

2rebecca · 27/07/2011 07:42

If everyone knew where the cake was and she was out so you couldn't deliver it to her then I don't see her problem.
I'm not sure why you felt you couldn't argue back.
I think that the idea that you can't argue with people older than you is very old fashioned. If you think you have done nothing wrong then I would just have calmly said that the warden asked you to dliver the cake and that as she was out you put it somewhere safe and that you don't understand her problem.
I wouldn't have sworn and shouted, but then I don't swear and shout.
Often if you stay calm and argue your case it makes the other person look OTT and wound up about nothing and you the sensible one anyway.

You have to bear in mind that it is their home though and if you are in the main common rooms with your dad and not just visiting him in his house in the complex that you are in their space.
They maybe view it as someone coming uninvited into their sitting room. As this isn't a care home but just sheletered housing they maybe don't want to be treated like frail old dears.
If the warden promised to get the cake then she should have told Sheila that it was no longer convenient and asked Sheila to contact you (or someone else) so you could arrange things between you.
They maybe resent you taking on a sort of deputy warden role.
I agree if you have promised to drive the minibus then you should check there is someone else available.
I would stick to visiting your dad in his flat, and only taking out him and anyone else your dad asks you to take out to accompany him.
Do you need a job or hobby if you have alot of spare time and have been getting very involved in the sheltered housing complex?
It sounds as though you are looking for an extra caring role and there are alot of organisations that would welcome that.