to ask my mother NOT to take DS to see the sister I've fallen out with?

[mrsSonic]

My sister and I have fallen out. Long story, but I'm sick of her sanctimony and self-involvement and she's recently treated me very cruelly while my depression has been particularly bad.

My mother has offered to look after my toddler DS for the afternoon later this week while I go and "do something nice for myself". It's the first time she's ever offered to do this and it made me think that she actually cares and is starting to understand how she can help me with my depression. Great - I thought.

However, I've just found out that she's planning to take him to see my sister that afternoon and I'm furious. I'm trying to be reasonable and tell myself that it's not DS's fault that his auntie is treating his mum so badly. Thing is, I feel like telling my mum that she can't take take him over so my sister can have a lovely time with him yet still gets to carry on treating me like shit.

My sister has had ample opportunity to mend her relationship with me - I've apologised to her for my part in the row that initially caused the rift but she's chosen not to make up with me. AIBU to tell my mother to find another activity for her and DS that afternoon?

Only read OP, but I think your DS should be kept out of this and should still have a relationship with his auntie. That's the adult thing to do imo. Involving children in adult disputes is just selfish.

yep, thanks doggie. I get that. Have moved on..

Yep - I did say I'd only read the OP.

Have now read thread and tbh there's a bit of stealth going on.

You didn't say in your OP that your DS had witnessed your sister "screaming abuse" at you in the street. That puts a bit of a different slant on it. I'd be keeping a bit of a distance if it was me. I also agree that your mum is being a bit underhand.

Apols, I'm trying not to be stealthy. Is difficult with such a complex situation. If I was really being stealthy I'd be revealing what the original falling-out was about (and it's pretty fucking ) but I wanted opinions based on the DS situation only, not how much of a cow my sister has been in the recent past.

FWIW...as you have already made your decision...imo YANBU.

My DC's have no contact with my sister...if I can't trust my sister to treat me with consideration and respect then I struggle to understand how I can trust her with my DC's.

That said I know from previous let downs that my sister can't be trusted to look after my DC's in a suitable fashion...maybe that clouds my judgement but still...I don't see why my DC's shouldn't be 'protected' from my sister the same as I protect myself.

mrsSonic YANBU. You have every right to keep your DS away from her. I am in the same situation. Have not spoken to my sister for 8 years now after she told me I deserved to lose my baby :(. Apparently she was pissed and didn't mean it. This came at the end of many years of being on the receiving end of much abuse and poison from her direction. I am so determined that DCs will not be subjected her to venom that I have even stipulated this in my will (should I die before DCs turn 18).

I do understand OP. It's the nature of the internets - you can't explain absolutely everything and it might not be relevant anyway.

I think if it's a temporary falling out where 2 adults don't see eye to eye about something it's a whole different ball game from a really dysfunctional or toxic situation. Your sister is starting to sound like the latter.

FWIW I do have a bit of related experience but in DH's family. He and his brother don't speak and the children don't see each other. It all went pear-shaped when our oldest DC was 6 weeks old - very sad as ours would have such good fun with their cousins. And we lost all contact with our nieces and nephew. BIL and SIL are def toxic!

I don't think that you're being stealthy, Sonic. I have made (many) posts about my arsehole brother and in my haste to get into the post stuff that is important to that post, I have omitted information that I have needed to mention later on. I do usually disclaim it by saying "Sorry to dripfeed but I did forget to mention this..." and people are normally OK with it.

I still maintain that it is up to you. Totally.

YANBU at all. If my mum ever wanted to take DS to see my oyster (not that she ever would, mind) I'd go ballistic. My sister is toxic in the extreme and not an influence I want for my son. So yes, I would gladly deprive DS of a relationship with her.

My oyster, WTF???

My sister, obviously!!

If he wanted to see my oyster, that would be ok :o

We don't let our kids have contact with FIL and SMIL. I know that both my SILs would love to take them over and be the good daughters who reunited them, but we have been extremely clear that the day they do will be the day they can no longer be trusted to spend time with our children. We have made the decision that FIL and SMIL are not good influences and will not be missed in our kids lives. They go out of their way to hurt not only us but anyone they perceive as 'weak' and needing 'toughening up'. I shudder to think how they would treat children. I know that there are people in our lives who think we are over reacting and being extreme, but ultimately, we don't parent based on making ourselves look good. We know this is a way of protecting our girls from some of the pain that DH had to deal with growing up. Others don't need an explanation. I am happy to look like an unreasonable cow to protect my family. YANBU at all. She needs to respect your decision.

Thanks, chaps. Appreciate all points of view.

Procrastinator, I'm soooo tempted with a passive aggressive snark to my mother, if nothing else. something along the lines of "How nice that DSis gets to spend time with DS without the inconvenience of having to work through her issue with me"

But I probably won't

Rofl at your oyster, Jacks!

mrsSonic - nowt like a bit off passive aggression now and again...

(What I meant to say was that you have every right to make your reservations known. And FWIW if someone has a propensity to scream abuse in the street they would get nowhere near my kids.)

:o