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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that having an overseas wedding at a hotel which doesn't allow children is ridiculous?

66 replies

emmyloo2 · 26/07/2011 04:05

My BIL is having a wedding in South Africa (it's at least a 12 hour flight from where we live) and in their wisdom they have chosen a hotel which doesn't allow children. So basically everyone without kids is going to have to stay in a different hotel which in certain not-so-dangerous places, would be ok, but it means basically that I will now have to miss out on the reception because I will have to stay in the other hotel with our 12 month old DS. And no, I would not feel comfortable using a hotel babysitter in that part of the world, particularly when we will be away from the hotel attending the reception. I am really pissed off. I don't want to go as it is because it is an inconvienent time just after Christmas and travelling all that way with a 12 mth old is going to be difficult as it is.

My DH is pretty insistent that I go with DS but I am pushing to stay home with DS and he go by himself.

Am I being unreasonable? I know it's their wedding etc etc but his own sister isn't going because she doesn't think it is practical with kids.

I don't particularly like my BIL's fiance so I guess that doesn't help.

Gahhh! Maybe I am just in a crappy mood but it's really annoying me. More so given I just went onto their wedding website (yes, there is a whole website dedicated to the wedding) and it made me won't to punch myself in the face it is so naff!

OP posts:
Original poster
emmyloo2 · 26/07/2011 07:15

Good to see most people think I am not being too precious.

I really don't think they thought it through. I think she got carried away and he went along with the whole idea. His own sister (so my SIL) had 5 children and she said straight away that they wouldn't be able to go. So there went half the family.

God knows why hotels won't accept children, particularly when they are only 12 months old. What sort of bother is a 12 month old going to create?

OP posts:
Inertia · 26/07/2011 07:17

YANBU. And your BIL is a total arse for getting shirty with people who cannot go because they have children. Tbh, so is your DH - it's insane to expect you to take a baby half way across the world to spend a day and night in a hotel room that is nowhere near the wedding. Your BIL wouldn't even see you if you did go to SA as you would be in a different hotel the whole time.

TheBride · 26/07/2011 07:25

"Can a hotel not accept children? Madness."

Of course. There are loads that don't. If you don't have children with you yourself they are bliss as you can be assured that you are not going to have little Joaquim, who's parents are convinced that he'll love the spa, shoving his plastic fire engine in your face in the jacuzzi. However, odd choice in this case it seems, so........

Op, YANBU. Just stay home and let DH go. I've just turned down an invite to a similar thing in October. Worked out that it would take me 5 days and £5000 to get there and back and whilst I love the bride, I don't love her that much.

Personally, I think it's fine to have a "no children wedding" but you have to accept that many people with children won't or can't come because of that factor, especially for overseas weddings.

Ephiny · 26/07/2011 07:26

YANBU, let your DH go and you stay at home with DS, that's what I'd do. I agree it doesn't sound like he's particularly bothered about having you there, or they wouldn't have chosen such a location.

It seems a bit weird to choose somewhere where his own sister can't attend though! I would have thought most people would want at least immediate family like siblings to be there Confused.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/07/2011 07:27

If the hotel in RSA is some kind of 'Sun City', 'Sandals' type place then they often double up as casinos and market themselves as very grown-up, sophisticated destinations. So 'no children' would fit. I happen to think it's a bit of a cheek expecting wedding guests to travel overseas anyway.... spending other people's money for them is just wrong in this day and age.

hairfullofsnakes · 26/07/2011 07:27

Dont go. Put your foot down with your dh too. I really don't understand why he is not more being more supportive or understanding about you not wanting to go. Stay home and stay comfy with your baby! Going will be rubbish, not worth it and you will regret it as it will be a waste of time for you.

Your BIL saying to his best man not to try for a baby yet - good grief does this man think the world revolves around him?! I can imagine he and your sil will take PFB to new heights when they have a child - please do post when they do!!!!!!! Grin

argghh · 26/07/2011 07:31

Dont go, If people choose to have their weddings abroad then good luck to them, but dont expect all the guests to be able to attend,

exoticfruits · 26/07/2011 07:38

I always assume that if people are getting married abroad they realise they won't have as many guests.

Whatmeworry · 26/07/2011 07:43

YANBU - The only reason to go is if you make it a holiday in SA, it is a stunning country and largely child friendly ( we took a 12 mo out there for 3 weeks)

Bride and Groomzilla indeed...

SheCutOffTheirTails · 26/07/2011 07:49

1 year olds cause nothing but bother :o

No way would I countenance for a second travelling half way around the world to sit in a hotel room not very near a wedding reception.

LOL Gwendoline @ the cranky sausage party wedding. It's going to suuuuuuck.

Planning a party without considering the comfort and convenience of your guests is dickish behaviour.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 26/07/2011 08:02

:o @ cranky sausage party

spiderbabymum · 26/07/2011 08:10

I wouldnt go .

the reality is that the prep for going to a wedding is hassil enough ....without all the additional hassils .

Cost alone would be a factor for me . I simply could not afford it .

Your own family holidays IMO take precedence over this sort of trip which you feel obliged to do

He cannot be surprise if people politely decline the invite

fedupofnamechanging · 26/07/2011 08:13

OP, I would be quite cross with my DH here. He is showing no more consideration for you, than your BIL. Just for the record, he can't make you go anywhere or do anything. You've said why you don't want to go and that's good enough. He's quite lucky that you are happy for him to go alone, leaving you holding the baby, as it were. Not sure I'd be happy for my DH to leave me at home and go off to a wedding where the B & G have made it blatantly obvious that they don't value having family present!

TrillianAstra · 26/07/2011 08:15

If I were getting married a 12 hour flight away from where I am my family lived it would be because I didn't really want them there.

(does not apply if he lives there)

AlpinePony · 26/07/2011 08:16

YABU. They don't want children there.

Why are you making such a song & dance out of this issue when you don't even like the people involved? Confused

bubblesincoffee · 26/07/2011 08:34

This is so ridiculous I'm not even sure that I'm reading it right.

Your BIL, and your DH, want you to take a 12 hour flight, with a 1yo, so that you can sit in a different hotel and not even go to the wedding?

Really??

What are they suggesting that you do with the baby while the wedding is on? Or are they thinking you could go to SA and not go to the wedding?

This comes very close to actual insanity.

Adversecamber · 26/07/2011 08:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NorfolkBroad · 26/07/2011 08:50

It sounds dreadful! One of those unfortunate situations where 2 people get so caught up in "their day" that they totally ignore the commitments of their friends and families. Seriously, I think they are mad! Absolutely don't go! It sounds like you are far from alone in your feelings.

ChristinedePizan · 26/07/2011 08:56

I absolutely would have no hesitation in saying thanks but no thanks. There is no way I'd be on a plane for 24 hours to sit in a hotel bedroom

TheRealMBJ · 26/07/2011 08:57

What I find difficult to believe is that your DH is in siting you go. Is he wanting to tag a holiday onto the trip? If so I can understand that he wants the 2 of you to go.

Could you not join him after the wedding for a holiday?

(I have flown to SA on my own with a 12month old, it was fine.)

FidgetPie · 26/07/2011 08:59

I wouldn't go - it doesn't sound as if they want you (or others with children) to attend anyway - otherwise why make it so difficult? I wouldn't feel guilty about it either. Just find a date afterwards to celebrate / re-live the photos etc with them instead.

EdithWeston · 26/07/2011 09:00

I think they've done it like this on purpose - to trim numbers and exclude children, whilst still inviting everyone.

Just don't go.

(If you wanted to equal them in this strange approach - which I couldn't possibly recommend - then you'd have an alternative family party that day, conveniently near you for all those who couldn't go. And have a wonderful time! And NEVER mention it to the couple, other than "oh, yes we did meet up - we were all rather stuck", even if everyone at the alternative party talks amongst themselves about what a good do it was).

HappyMummyOfOne · 26/07/2011 09:14

YANBU, I hate weddings abroad as find them selfish - its a way of putting the costs onto the guests so that the bride and groom pay far less. The only nice weddings abroad are where they fork out the cost for guests or simply go it alone.

Original poster
emmyloo2 · 26/07/2011 09:34

AlpinePony - I do like my BIL and his fiance is ok, but I am not close to her at all. My DH is very close to his brother.

The problem is that the reception is going to be at a hotel where children are not allowed and I wouldn't take my 12 month to a dinner reception anyway, he would need to be in bed. I was contemplating leaving him upstairs with a hotel babysitter if the reception was just downstairs and I could pop up every hour or so to check on him. However, we then got told we won't be able to stay at the hotel where the reception is because it is some adults only hotel. So in reality what it means is I will be stuck at another hotel with the baby. My MIL, bless her, proposed that she stay and look after the baby, but then she would miss her own son's wedding, which is totally ridiculous.

My husband does realise it is all very impractical but sometimes he takes a while to see my side of the argument! He also wants us to go as a family and doesn't want to go solo.

OP posts:
TheBride · 26/07/2011 09:36

To those saying an overseas wedding is selfish, I'm assuming the bride comes from South Africa so it's not really a destination wedding, but perfectly reasonable in itself.

OP- is that right?

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