Aibu to just be content and not feel 'the pressure'?

[happy2bhomely]

This has been triggered by reading another thread (sorry) There is talk of people being paddlers or floaters.

When I was asked in primary school "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I answered "A nurse or maybe a housewife" I got told off for this and had to change my answer to "Doctor".

I'm now 28, and I'm not ambitious. I'm educated well enough to get by. I am not driven by money and my Husband earns enough for us to live what I call comfortably. We have everything we need and lots of treats, but we are what some people describe as poor. I am a wife and a SAHM to 4 children. I am very content with my choices. I work hard at looking after our (very modest) home and trying to give our children my idea of a happy childhood. I enjoy baking, painting, sewing and reading. I like living a 'slow life'. I plan to volunteer when the kids are all at school, and work part time.

I live my life always asking myself "How do you want to be remembered?" I want to be remembered as a loving wife and Mother, a good sister and a loyal friend. That's it.

I appreciate that some people share my ideas, others have completely opposite ideas and most are somewhere in between. I think everyone should be free to live life their way without being made to feel guilty. If a career makes you happy-good for you. If you like earning your own money, that's great. If you don't want to get married or have kids, then I respect your choices.

My family and in laws think I am 'sad' for not wanting more out of life. I've wasted my life according to them. They say things like "Let's hope your girls have more ambition and live a little before settling down. After all, everyone wants their kids to 'do well' ". I want my children to live how they like. They can be a banker or a teacher or a dancer or a bloody travelling musician....They can be rich or poor, gay or straight, driven or relaxed, have no babies or 10 babies.....I really don't mind as long they are happy and make their own minds up. I only hope that they are not alcoholics, drug users or gamblers, and that they are not violent. Should I hope for more?

Am I being unreasonable to just be happy in my own little world? Not to succumb to the pressure to have a beautiful home, to achieve academically or to be rich and successful? Am I being unreasonable to expect people to accept that I have everything I could possibly want and I'm not striving for anything? Am I a bad Mother for not having higher hopes for our children?

yes. I think stay as you are; let those who really need terrific ambition and competition to go their own way. They can be a pain

Thanks everyone, it's nice to know that my life is seen by some to be desirable! I feel like the luckiest woman alive sometimes-but for now, I've got to go and put a wash on,sweep up dog hair(again!) clean the bathroom, walk the dog, bath the little ones and clean up the cheerios that have been spread around the living room while I've been chatting to you lot!

Sounds a bit boring to me but as long as you and your family are happy thats all that matters really.

Really mumto2?

Do share with the group what fascinating and stimulating things you do

When I am 'achieving' I am miserable as sin.

When I am pottering round at home, like now, I feel happier.

I think it's stress though, that sours the achievement, because it comes at such a price - worry about childcare, the travelling, the dropping off and picking up, the endless juggling of priorities - and I do think that women do take on much more burden in this regard.

YANBU. All I want is a simple life, with enough to get by. Growing veggies, maybe keeping some chickens. We like just dossing around together, playing board games, playing piano, and I'm doing a lot of volunteer work which makes me really happy. Things have gone a bit wrong this year as DH has a prolapsed disc, he's had to quit work now. I'm about to start a PT apprenticeship so we certainly won't have a lot, but who needs Stuff. I don't - I want time with my family.

The only thing that could really improve life is saving up enough to move to a slightly bigger place with a private garden (ATM we have borders/shared front lawn) so we can increase our veggie growing and have a wildlife (ie untended) section. Might be longer now due to the aforementioned injury, but we will get there in the end and we will enjoy the journey together :)

Really kickingking that's quite sad :( my DH totally agrees with this lifestyle. Although he's in a lot of pain he is happy that he is spending so much time with the DCs - he hated missing everything while he was at work. I'm excited about starting my job (in a library!) and I'm glad he's got the opportunity to be a SAHP like he's always wanted, even though it's not in the best circumstances. We've both been through a lot - him especially - and we've become good at seeing the positives even in bad situations.

OP, you are just the same as me. Same age too, except you have more children (though we want several more). It's great to be content, and sod anyone else who's jealous. :)

Yes, really.

I can see their (the men) point, to an extent - most of the people I mix with are graduates and earn reasonable money. So, maybe it seems odd to them for their high earning partner to suddenly become dependant on them.

Having said that, my own DH now talks about me 'working as little as possible' in the future. I think he is realising that two good incomes can come at a high cost - the stress in our house over the last year has been pretty bad

I would love to work in library - is it in a public library? Will you be a library assistant? I did that as my p/t job while studying, loved it.

My DH doesn't see it as me being dependant on him. We depend on each other. Between us, our children need looking after and our bills need to be paid. He earns the money, I sort the childcare. Simple.

I could choose to work and pay someone else my wages to sort out childcare, but I choose not to, (because that is an option for us) It's not his money, it is our money. We are a team, and we consider the impact of any of our choices on our team. So far we are winning!

Maybe one day, he will stay home and I will work (when his job has knackered his back and knees and forces him to quit when he's 50!) But, ideally, we will both work part time and spend lots of time together. We are not stressed (even with 4 kids!) and that benefits the kids far more than a bigger house or more holidays or more spending money. They live in a happy, comfortable home with parents that they see kissing and laughing and enjoying their lives.

Money cannot buy what we have. So, yes it might seem boring to some, but to me it's priceless.

A good marriage / partnership is a team. To me it doesn't matter who does what - who works, who doesn't etc as long as both are happy and both are working to the same goals

You sound like you have that :) Well done!

I think you sound lovely. And being happy and content is something I really wish for myself. My life is also busy, chaotic, and in theory i have 'achieved' lots- higher education, known in my field, many years of very thrusting career. But all I want too is to be a good wife, mother, daughter, friend. I have felt the pressure to 'achieve' and am only now realising how empty i feel. I think, that to achieve what you have - being there for your loved ones and being genuinely happy, you HAVE what most of us are looking for. And you have moral strength to resist the pressures of other people telling you should be something different.

Go forth and be happy. :)

Yes kicking it's in the library in the town centre. I'll also be helping with the reading scheme and doing stuff like baby bounce and rhyme sessions, I can't wait!

I helped out at DD's last Playgroup session last week and they let me read the stories to the group. It was amazing :)

Happy, YANBU, my life is a bit similar, though only 1 dd, and now she's older I do work - but in number terms I contribute about 10% of our household income, and do about 90% of the housework - its very traditional, we both do what we are good at (him, work, me, keeping the house running and bringing up dd, who is a lovely girl IMHO) All this after a scholarship to private school, loads of exams and an accountancy qualification. I did try the corporate world but don't have the mental resilience for office politics, whereas dh has the same qualifications as me but is a real "mover and shaker" As all our finances are shared there's no disagreements there. It's good to do what works for your family

This thread is making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside

I'm pregnant with our first, and at the moment we both have 'good', stressful jobs with highish pay and long hours.

I'm not content at all with how things are - my DH is ambitious and enjoys work, but I just feel exhausted by it and annoyed that the house is always dirty and messy, and that I don't have the energy to cook nice meals. It annoys me that we spend so much on ready meals and takeaways when I love cooking and could do so cheaply and make much nicer, more nutritious meals!

I am lucky that DH has always agreed with me that it would be best for small children to have a SAHM, and I absolutely cannot wait. I'm not under any illusions of baking cupcakes and wearing pinnies, but I can't wait to be able to look after the house and him as much as look after children!

I don't think it's something that is seen often as a valid choice if you're 'intelligent' enough to have a highly paid job unfortunately. I know I'll come under judgement for choosing to SAH - several of my colleagues have little ones and seem to be assuming I'll be coming back as soon as I can - I think they're bonkers!

You are not being unreasonable at all!!!
I am a bit like you but further down the line.

Dh has his own small business which does well and means he can go into the office 10-4, leaving lots of time for sport which he finds important to his mental health. He is I suppose semiretired....as long as he has his blackberry he can work from anywhere.
He doesn't take a massive salary, but we have a small mortgage and a nice house.
I have a good degree which I never used to get a job..spent 15 hrs in retail management before I was a mother. Spent 6 years at home, but am lucky to have a term time job working for a charity which I adore. I also volunteer in local charity shop in the holidays and help at dcs secondary schools.
We don't have a lavish lifestyle...am not bothered by holidays, gadgets....but enjoy going to the gym and looking after myself.
Dd has OCD which is my only cloud on the horizon...I wish 8 could make that go away

But I consider myself very lucky....i am early 50s but feel happier than I have ever done.

YANBU and in fact you sound like someone who has the rare gift of true happiness -- being content with what you have. As long as you encourage your daughters to consider careers should they want to do that, and as long as you're offering a positive role model within the family (and it sounds like you are) you should hold your head high and f* what anyone else thinks.

YANBU- you sound very happy in your choices and lovely and unjudgy. It's not a life I could lead but I'm equally secure in my very different life - difference makes the world go round!

Be secure in your choices if they are right for you an your family.

Contentment and happiness, you can't wish for more than that.

I think you are fine, as long as your DH doesn't feel forced into a role to accomodate yours. By that I mean, what if he wanted to be a SAHD for a while in the future, to live life your way for a while? Would he have any options to change or does he have to play a certain role in order to faciliatate the life you want? If you are both happy and thats not going to change, thats fine. But I would worry a little (just a personal opinion) about having the resources to change.

Fair point. This set up isn't to just benefit me and what I want. He is not that selfless! He does not want to stay home and would need to have a personality transplant to ever feel that way. He wants me at home so that he can be flexible at work, which suits me fine.

I do worry that he might find himself forced to stay home (ill health, injury etc) because he would struggle mentally if he was unable to work. I would of course have to then earn a wage, because then our need for money would outweigh my want to stay home. Neither of us would be as happy, but it wouldn't make either of us miserable-just less happy.

You sound a very happy together young lady, you know what you want for your family and are doing it, dont dwell on what other people excpect you to be doing, and if they dont get you, it is there lose. Remember it is hard work raising 4 kids singlehandedly while your DS goes out to work, well done that girl i say more power to your elbow and all the stay at home mums.

YANBU to be happy, no.

We all have different needs and drivers and you have sorted your lives to suit yours. Brilliant

I am also glad that you don't immediately dismiss other people's choices if they are different from yours. We are all, after all, striving to be happy :o

What Curry just said.

you sound like me. i live in a very middle class area with lots of stay at home mums/dads and our values are mostly the same - family, friends and community based. We have lots of interests outside the family unit but our kids and happiness is key