to think my friend should offer to replace something her son broke?

[blondieminx]

Not sure what to do! Had antenatal group girls and their toddlers round for lunch yesterday - all very nice until one of the boys broke our catflap (wrenched the door off and it won't click back in as he also managed to break off part of the section that it would click into iyswim). The other mum had earlier told him to stop it. He didn't - and while I was making some drinks I heard her say "stop that... oh you have broken it". She left the door and the bit of plastic by the back door.

I had to pay out nearly twenty quid for the replacement cat flap.

Earlier I had told them all that we were worried as DH hadn't been paid for last month. She is very comfortably off.

I was expecting her say something as she left (she didn't, and another mum came to the hallway as I was saying goodbye to her and I didn't want to embarrass her in front of the other mum), or to text me last night/today to apologise and offer to pay for a replacement... but she hasn't.

How would you approach this? I don't want to cause any offence but at the same time I don't want a precedent to be set that it's ok for her son to damage my home and that I'll pay for the clear-up! I just can't believe that she knew he'd broken something and left without apologising/offering to pay for the replacement!

My ds snapped a friends Lion King DVD in half when he was about 2. I immediatly offered to pay, why wouldn't I? I then spent over 3 months trying to find one, they were impossible to get. Eventually I gave her ours and my ds learnt.

It's a rocky road...my friends dog got my DDs very expensive coat from her dining table and chewed itup...she immediately offered me the cash which I took....then she bad mouthed me to everyone we know for taking it!I sent it bacck to her with a note saying shee should not have offered to pay me if she thought I shouldnt take it.

You really should have said something at the time you heard her say that her dc had broken it. I think you'll have to let this one go but in future be prepared with something like 'oh no, it looks like one of the dcs has broken my [insert object]. Did anyone see it happen? It's going to cost the earth to replace it and I don't know how we'll find the money.' If that doesn't shame whoever's done it or the parent of the dc, i don't know what will.

You sound lovely AitchGee

@KurriKurri

at least I refrain from personalisation of threads.

I really wish I'd been on Mumsnet when a similar thing happened to me, I let it slide and didn't have my friend's DC in my house again for almost a year.

It was DS1's birthday, friend asked me to do a favour for her on the day, so I said ok, she came round with her kids just as DS1's birthday gift was delivered. While I was doing the favour for her, her DC was battering DS1 with the toy and actually broke it across his back. Didn't even get an apology, and it pissed me off so much. I certainly would say something if it happened again.

I've had other children break things, their Mums have always been apologetic and offered replacements, which I've always turned down as they really did feel bad and it wasn't such an expensive gift, nor brand new!

I really wish I'd been on Mumsnet when a similar thing happened to me, I let it slide and didn't have my friend's DC in my house again for almost a year.

It was DS1's birthday, friend asked me to do a favour for her on the day, so I said ok, she came round with her kids just as DS1's birthday gift was delivered. While I was doing the favour for her, her DC was battering DS1 with the toy and actually broke it across his back. Didn't even get an apology, and it pissed me off so much. I certainly would say something if it happened again.

I've had other children break things, their Mums have always been apologetic and offered replacements, which I've always turned down as they really did feel bad and it wasn't such an expensive gift, nor brand new!

TBH I think, though it was obviously also very annoying, the example from EPBAG isn't quite the same. Although I'd always offer to contribute, and would be pissed off if there wasn't at least a token gesture, I feel it's more important when the item is essential and therefore NEEDS to be replaced immediately (catflap) rather than decorative (vase) which will obviously be sorely missed but isn't essential to the running of the house IYSWIM.

You are right AitchGee - I was annoyed by your insulting remark about nurses, but I shouldn't have made a personal attack. I apologise.

I think that you have to say something at the time, or people think you will be ok with it. That's the trouble, you want to be polite and not draw attention to the thing, but then you are stuck with the bill.

If you ask her for the money after then it looks a bit.... well... grasping?

Aitchgee "The last place in this world one should manhandle a child in, is a hospital !!!! The arses nurses in the NHS just love to identify child abuse in their young patients"

Lovely, what a blanket judgement in an attempt to be funny. Im a NHS Nurse and child protection is very important and part of our legal reuirement to report if we have any concern - whats the alternative that you would prefer? Children who are physically, emotionally and sexually abused and no-one giveing a damn?!!

So in reply to your post no I wouldnt "love" to identify child abuse, simply because now Im working with adults who have been abused as children and if you had to listen to half of what I do your heart would break that human adults can possibly be so inhumane to children.

Yes, she should offer to pay. But the suggestions that you should point out you're short of cash when asking her for it- it's a little desperate. Keep to the moral highground and don't allow her to think you're asking because you need the money. It's about her doing the right thing.

I thought that before I sent anything to the other mum I'd see if anyone else had posted.

I think if I'm going to pipe up it needs to be tonight or not at all doesn't it. I know the other mum is away from tomorrow morning and the little boy is with his grandparents.

How does this sound? "Great to see you both yesterday, I think I have [child's name]'s food bowl here, I'll drop it through your door tomorrow. Um, I feel uncomfortable raising this but I had a good look at our catflap after [child's name] experimented with pulling the door off again and sadly it wasn't fixable so we had to get a replacement last night at the pet shop. The thing is that we're very skint at the moment because as you know DH hasn't been paid for last month. Would you be willing to contribute to the replacement? Enjoy your weekend to yourselves, lucky things! x"

The REALLY annoying parents are those who hold different standards for themselves and for you. I have a friend whose ds wrought a trail of destruction in our house every time he entered it: "Oh ds, you've broken hester's dd's brand new birthday toy, what a shame", "ds, please don't draw on hester's walls - yes, it's a lovely dinosaur darling, but ask hester to give you some paper instead", "Now ds, it's not nice to smash hester's cups on the floor. Don't do it again, sweetie - oh, you already did". Not once did I ask her to pay up (muggins); not once did she offer.

So imagine my intense rage when dp came home with dd, reporting that dd had borrowed this kid's crocs and broken the strap on one, so she had handed over the money to buy a new pair...

sorry x-posted Ginger (slow connection here!). Thanks re desperate. That's just it - I feel desperately awkward, but at the moment if DH is about to be redundant with no pay out I can't afford to say "ah well it doesn't matter". Plus I don't want her or her DS thinking it's ok to come round here and break stuff and not apologise.

I think what is bugging me the most about this situation is that she didn't apologise to me as she left and maybe she's not quite the friend I thought she was iyswim? I have always been there for her, taken cake over to her when she's having one of those days etc.

So, AIBU?!

Hester. Gawd.

Don't mention the holiday.

I would say - it turns out that X has broken the cat flap beyond repair. I have had to buy a new one and it cost £X. I will be dropping X's bowl around at X time so would appreciate the money then, thank you. This friendship might fizzle out anyway so you have nothing to lose by being direct but polite.

Yep what TheoriginalFAB said. This is what is fair and reasonable and your personal financial situation is not relevant. If you put your situation in and make it about you being skint rather than doing what is fiar and reasonable she might come back with 'sorry we're a bit skint too with the holiday I am going on so I'll give you the money next month' or something else.

Just be straight and to the point

The tone of TheOriginalFAB 's message is spot on. "Would you be willing to contribute to the replacement?" could lead to either a 'no' or 'going halves'. Fab's brooks no nonsense!

agree you need to be pretty direct as per FAB's message. Whatever you decide and whether she contributes or not , you won't feel the same about your "friend" or her ds again. Her behaviour can only potentially mitigate the damage now so you don't really have much to lose.

I'm curious. Why can't you just phone her rather - you might even be able to have a laugh about it. I'm just saying because if I got a text message like that it'd actually really rile me.

sorry phone her rather than text

I don't I would be comfortable asking if it hadn't been offered, but what in would do is next time she comes round ask her to please keep an eye on her son and keep him away from the Cat flap as it was broken beyond repair lt time and you really can't afford to replace it again. That should hopefully get the message across that you weren't impressed and that you have had to replace it at your expense.

Blondie, my earlier opinion aside, I do think you've struck a very nice tone in the text you've put here.