resentment over will

[TaytoCrisp]

My father is seriously ill. I have two siblings; my mother died several year ago. We are a very close family and apart from occasional disagreements we tend to get on very well. The news of dad?s recent illness has been devastating. He is the nucleus of our family and it is hard to imagine him no longer being here. He has a short prognosis, we are all coming to terms with this and doing our best to help. He lives at home and would like to stay at home as long as possible.

My siblings live near my dad, but i live in another country. They are great and visit at least once every day. They have always done this in recent years. I have always travelled home very frequently ? about once every 6 weeks for a weekend and then longer at holidays. These days, i visit a lot more, and stay for a week at a time. We all have children and work.
My sister is particularly helpful. She spends a lot of time with dad. She also works in the medical professional so has been able to advice him medically which he feels has helped him enormously. She is also very practical and thinks of everything (e.g. makes dinners, buys clothes, visits with grandchildren etc), which i am not in a position to do as i live abroad; though i would love to be more involved. My other sibling visits a lot but is not very practical in the same way.

The problem is that my dad has decided to change his will. He has always said that everything would be shared equally and in the past things always have; and he has said that there are no favourites in the family. But now, when it comes to it, he seems to feel slightly differently. Basically, he now wants to leave a larger proportion to my sister than me or my other sibling. I understand this is some ways ? i think he is very grateful for all her help recently, and he wants to show her this. However, I am becoming very jealous and resentful ? traits i would never ever have recognised in myself before ? i am upset that she is the favoured one. I always thought that my dad and i were extremely close ? and feel resentful that she now seems to be the person most important to him. I tried to broach it with him ? and he has stated that there are no favourites.. he thinks my other sibling and i should not ?begrudge? my sister after all she has done. I appreciate all she has done, but would have done exactly the same if i were here ? but i?m not.

This is now praying on my mind at a time when i need to focus on my dad and my siblings. I know i will lose my dad soon, which is heartbreaking; i am also very upset that i will also lose my sister as i am feeling this resentment. Maybe i feel like this because emotions are so high at the moment. I don?t want to discuss it with dad ? he has finalised things recently and feels relieved ? he knows exactly what he wants to do and i will not interfere. I just need reassurance that he loves us all equally and feels that we are all doing as much as we can for him.

Any advice that would help me focus on important things like my family and relationships would be helpful. Do tell me i am being unreasonable.

Your dad is giving just some of the money to the person who has looked after him, that otherwise would have had to paid to the care system.

You are lucky there is any left at all. Be grateful to your sibling for that.

Thank-you all for the fabulously helpful responses. Your advice has helped really clarify things in my mind.

Many posters make that point that dad just wants to acknowledge my sisters practical help in a tangible way. He is a very proud and independent person; the fact that he can give her more is bound to make it easier for him to accept all her help now.

You are right - i really do really wish i could help as much as my sister has; and i definitely would have helped as much if i was nearer...so i am a little guilty and sad about that. But i know i am doing as much as i can so i will try not to dwell on that now. I have mentioned to this to my dad; he understands and is very grateful that i am here when i am. However, he always acknowledges that he just could not do without my sister on a daily basis..(e.g. he would not feel like cooking).

The proportional difference is 40% v. 30% and 30%. My dad is well off, so the actual amount is very significant (esp. for me who has, by far, the lowest household income of all the siblings); but i know i should just be grateful that my dad has done so well, is so generous and wants to look after us.

My sister is not taking a financial hit ? my dad reimburses her for everything (he always pays his way); and it is not affecting her career (her work are very understanding); but recently she is paying in terms of the time she spends shopping, cooking, bringing him to hospital appointments and visiting etc - time that would otherwise be spent with her own family. He does feel that he would need professional care if she was not around. I guess he has little control over anything in his life now other than how he spends his money; so at least he can make decisions that make it easier for him to accept and ask for help. And he will need more and more help..

Thank-you so much for pointing out that his approach is fair given all my sister is doing. I am so relieved that most people think that her getting a little more does not reflect how he feels about each of us.

Now i will go and focus on my wonderful dad.

Thank-you lovely ladies.

Tayto, it's good to see that you've come to terms with this, and that you've spoken with your dad about how you feel. I'm sure he understands how much you love him, and that you're doing all you can in the circumstances you're in.

In terms of the money, it might help to think of the 'extra' 10% as money that is paying for the time of a carer who is making your dad's life as comfortable as it can be, rather than extra inheritance for your sister. It just happens that your sister is that carer, which makes the care more personal for your dad. It might also help him to retain a little bit of dignity about needing help- if he is a proud and independent man, he perhaps feels that 'employing' your sister for her medical expertise allows him to keep a little bit of control over his health, rather than feeling helpless and entirely dependent on his children.

I'm sure he loves you all equally- it sounds as though you have a lovely family, and I hope you can enjoy the time you have together.

Tayto - is there any way that you can have a 'closure' conversation around this with your dad? Just to hear him saying he loves you as much as the others might mean a lot in the future.