resentment over will

[TaytoCrisp]

My father is seriously ill. I have two siblings; my mother died several year ago. We are a very close family and apart from occasional disagreements we tend to get on very well. The news of dad?s recent illness has been devastating. He is the nucleus of our family and it is hard to imagine him no longer being here. He has a short prognosis, we are all coming to terms with this and doing our best to help. He lives at home and would like to stay at home as long as possible.

My siblings live near my dad, but i live in another country. They are great and visit at least once every day. They have always done this in recent years. I have always travelled home very frequently ? about once every 6 weeks for a weekend and then longer at holidays. These days, i visit a lot more, and stay for a week at a time. We all have children and work.
My sister is particularly helpful. She spends a lot of time with dad. She also works in the medical professional so has been able to advice him medically which he feels has helped him enormously. She is also very practical and thinks of everything (e.g. makes dinners, buys clothes, visits with grandchildren etc), which i am not in a position to do as i live abroad; though i would love to be more involved. My other sibling visits a lot but is not very practical in the same way.

The problem is that my dad has decided to change his will. He has always said that everything would be shared equally and in the past things always have; and he has said that there are no favourites in the family. But now, when it comes to it, he seems to feel slightly differently. Basically, he now wants to leave a larger proportion to my sister than me or my other sibling. I understand this is some ways ? i think he is very grateful for all her help recently, and he wants to show her this. However, I am becoming very jealous and resentful ? traits i would never ever have recognised in myself before ? i am upset that she is the favoured one. I always thought that my dad and i were extremely close ? and feel resentful that she now seems to be the person most important to him. I tried to broach it with him ? and he has stated that there are no favourites.. he thinks my other sibling and i should not ?begrudge? my sister after all she has done. I appreciate all she has done, but would have done exactly the same if i were here ? but i?m not.

This is now praying on my mind at a time when i need to focus on my dad and my siblings. I know i will lose my dad soon, which is heartbreaking; i am also very upset that i will also lose my sister as i am feeling this resentment. Maybe i feel like this because emotions are so high at the moment. I don?t want to discuss it with dad ? he has finalised things recently and feels relieved ? he knows exactly what he wants to do and i will not interfere. I just need reassurance that he loves us all equally and feels that we are all doing as much as we can for him.

Any advice that would help me focus on important things like my family and relationships would be helpful. Do tell me i am being unreasonable.

It's a reallu bad time for you OP and your emotions are bound to be all over the place. It's not about the money is it...it's about your guilt at living abroad and not being able to see your dad as often as you would like too and ultimately feeling your sister is getting all the glory.

It's natural at a time like that. My mum was very ill last summer and my sister visited more than I could as she lived locally and I was a couple of hours away. I felt bad too but please, dont feel your dad loves you any less just because he sees your sister more.......he understands and he loves you just the same.

When my mum died my dad found a letter she had written for all of us...I was dreadfully bitter at the time as she wrote 3 or 4 lines for my sister and only 3 word for me!!!! She didnt love me any less though, I understand that now but at the time I was bloody gutted...3 words???? WTF???

I am so sorry for your dads illness. Be gentle on yourself, you know its not about the money!

You are emotionally equating money with love, even though rationally you know they are separate.

Perhaps if you tried to see your sisters increased share in the will as your father compensating her for lost wages/professional advancement? If she's doing as much as you appreciate she is doing, it is possibly adversely affecting her career. If this is the case, an equal split could leave her worse-off financially, which would not be fair. Increasing her portion may be his attempt to even it back up to being fair again.

You're about to lose your father and him doing this probably makes you feel like perhaps he loved your sister more, at a time when you want and need to feel that he loves you all the same and you are important to him.

It must be horrible to be so far away when you know he's dying. Him doing this must feel like he is making a statement that you are not doing the right thing by him.

I am sure that this isn't his intention at all.

You are important to him and he does love you all the same. This is just a financial thank you to your sister and nothing more.

Sending you some virtual hugs.

Hard though it may be to accept I take the view "his will, his decision". Whether it is right or wrong.

When people die and there are issues with their estate it will always bring out the worst in people and the way you react to it will affect your relationship with your siblings permanently (I know having witnessed it myself). Don't be jealous because it is not your sister's fault.

I'm sorry you will be losing your Dad.
Does the fact that you moved abroad mean that you love your Dad less than your siblings do? Similarly, his wish to acknowledge your sister's time,effort and care of him at a time when he needs it most and when he might otherwise have had to rely on strangers to provide paid care, doesn't mean he loves you less.
I would try to see the distribution of money in his will as his way of 'paying' for his care ie a 'business' arrangement.
I would then take great pains to thank the sister who has shouldered the additional responsibility (however willingly she did so). I would also reassure your Dad that you are comfortable with his decision and let him pass his remaining time with that peace of mind.
They are a long time gone. Please don't let your feelings about the will cloud the time you have left with him. You need to build as many good memories as you can now.
I miss mine every day and it's been 20 years now.
All the best.

I am in a similar situation to your sister. My parents moved a few years ago to be nearer me. I took early retirement at 55 to help care for them. I'm the one who takes them shopping, arranges my families holidays around their needs and takes those 6am calls when they need help NOW. My parents have told me that their will divides everything between their children, fair enough but I do feel a bit resentful.

My mum has two siblings. She still lives in the area where they grew up, her siblings have moved away. Her parents and her aunt all needed additional help when they were elderly. Mum's siblings would visit as much as they reasonably could, but it was Mum who dealt with all of the unreasonable stuff - rushing to the nursing home when her mum had escaped, changing her aunt's incontinence pads. I have no idea of the nature of any of the wills, but if Mum did get anything extra she completely deserved it.

I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad.

OP
In my opinion your dad has made a mistake. He should have kept the original will, treating everyone equally, then paid you sister some money as and when he wished, for the extra effort she has put in.

I'm sure this is a very difficult time but YABU. Your father sounds as though he has given this a lot of thought and is recompensing your sister for the care she has given him, care which would probably otherwise have had to come out of his estate thus reducing the total amount for the three of you.

Is it possible that you are feeling guilty about not being able to be as hands-on as your sister and that this decision by your father has reinforced that feeing?

This isn't about dividing love. Your dad loves you. He loves you all.

I think he's being practical. Your sister will be arranging her life to fit in his needs and probably has been for sometime. It will have an affect on her immediate family members too. It takes up so much time and so much worry. It is hard work. I think your dad want to show her how valued this has been to him.

It's not about you.

If he'd have found this care from a neighbour or friend he'd no doubt be leaving them some monies too as a thanks.

Be happy he's had your sister, be happy you've been able to continue your life whilst your sister has stepped up to the mark and taken on duties that she'd rather not have had to deal with.

Don't let this rip you apart. Your family sounds lovely. Let the bitterness go. Take care.

Forgot to say - my grandmother's modest estate was split between myself and my two cousins but heavily weighted in my favour because I had lived with my grandparents for many years and I was the one who lived nearby and helped them out in their old age. This never caused any resentment.

I will inherit over my sibling as i am the who has been caring for our mother for the last 7 years.
i am the one who cooks every meal she eats, cleans every piece of clothing she wears, showers her, takers anywhere she needs to go ect.
I cant even have a drink in the evenings as i never know when i might be called out to her, i cant go away for weekends or visit family or friends if they are more than an hours drive away. I dont have time to work more than part time and so my earnings are restricted.
My sibling knows and accepts the fact that when mum passes i will inherit her estate. he doesn't have a problem with this and knows it has nothing to do with mum loving me more, infact he was always her favorite.

YANBUto feel hurt. I find it quite depresing the number of people who are suggesting that your sister's devotion should be rewarded financially.

MediumPretty I don't think it,s financial reward, more an acknowledgement of the time and devotion the OP's sister has given to her Father. Without the sister's help he would have had to pay a care provider or rely on the state.

That's true actually sue52 -
your sister may well have saved everyone a fair bit of money.

Does your sister have more DCs?

i do understand how you feel but I also feel very strongly on wills.

It is his money and no-one has any entitlement to it. He will have his own reasons and it is something you need to get over and move on from. I am rather shocked that as he isn't dead yet you're even having this conversation.

My great aunt was very poorly when my great uncle convinced her to write a will (they married late and had their own money). She couldn't remember people so he had to help and forgot to include her god daughters sister (no relation at all). Anyway, after she died the goddaughters sister's mum wrote to him to complain and say it was a horrible thing to do as the sister was struggling for money. My uncle ended up feeling guilty (he was in his 90s) and sent her £5,000. We were furious. He had done his best and hadn't kept much money for himself at all. She had no entitlement to the money and hadn't even visited for years. I still feel bitter towards the woman - not that I wanted to money, I would rather it went to charity, I was just appalled at the audacity.

Clearly your relationship is closer than that but your sister is giving a lot of time to him and clearly he appreciates that and feels it needs rewarding. That isn't to say he understands you can't be there but it's hard work caring for a loved one. My dad did this for 5 years before his mum died as his 4 siblings live all over the world. His mum's will states that he gets all the money to share as he sees fit. He is a real family man and financially secure, therefore he has chosen to share it equally, and even that has caused issues. She obviously only had one wedding ring which the eldest daughter (who is a b*tch - very long story) wanted. My dad had already chosen to give it to his brother who is gay as he felt he might wear a plain band, my dad took her eternity ring for my mum to wear on his behalf and her other rings were given out - he didn't have them valued but the one he gave his eldest sister (that she wants to swap) is the only one that has been valued, by her. The other siblings have no interest in the value other than sentimental.

Wills are a nightmare but you need to ask why it is more important than caring for your dad and focusing on that.

You are mistaken, MP. People are not saying she should be rewarded financially, people are suggesting that this may be his motivation, his feelings, his wishes. That is not the same as saying that she must be financially compensated for all she has done for him.

Like others, I think your father is trying to acknowledge everything your sister has done for him, not to indicate in any way that she is a favourite.

I hope you can let this go and respect the fact that your father can do whatever he likes with his money.As you say, your Dad is the nucleus of your family. When he is gone, your relationships with your siblings will readjust and it would be so sad if they were marred by resentment at your father's decision. I'm sure that's the last thing he would ever want.

with more people having more to leave there will be more family problems over wills.

My father made me the sole beneficiary of a life insurance policy. I did not know this at the time. He made me the beneficiary some years before his death. He died following a short illness without making a will. There was also the issue of his army pension. I can only surmise that he put it in my name as I was the eldest daughter. I was sure that he would not have wanted my younger sister or his common law wife to not be provided for. He just didn't plan for the future.

I didn't particularly get along with his partner, but she was a rock to my dad when he was ill. My sister didn't do much in terms of practical support-but then, her marriage had broken down and she had 3 young kids to take care of. I was working full time in a v. demanding profession, with older sons, so in fairness, I was able to "be there" more. I don't however, think that makes me more "deserving"

I could have thought "fuck you" to the partner, and justified my dad not including my sister, as we were closer/I did more yadda yadda, but I was convinced the fair thing to do, was to split the monies equally 3 ways-and that is what I did.

I personally think what your dad is doing is unfair and divisive. As others have said, it's his money to do with as he pleases. That said, try and reframe the issue to one of compensating your sister as opposed to loving you less/cutting you out.

My guess is that your poor dad feels terribly guilty for what he sees as burdening your sister in this way. He wants to leave her something 'extra' because it is easier than saying, 'look, you didn't have to help me so much but thank you, I'm glad that you did and I appreciated it'. He isn't taking away from you, he's just trying to make it up to your sister. I don't even think he is trying to 'reward' her as such, he is trying to repay what he sees as a debt. Of course I don't know him and you do, but that is just logical to me.

How does your sister feel about it? If you all agreed, you could re-arrange the will after the death so that you all get an equal share. You should remember though that your dad is doing what he thinks is best with his own money.

Agree with the other poster who suggested your feelings are possibly guilt rather than resentment. Maybe you should tell your dad that you wish you could do more for him and that you would do everything your sister is doing if you possibly could.

Oldmace
In my opinion your dad has made a mistake......as and when he wished, for the extra effort she has put in.

The man is dying, he probably doesn't have any extra money to spare and if he did he should be spending it on enjoying what little he has of his life. That is what I tell my mother who has a degenerative condition. If there is anything left after that and she wants to leave me more thats fine I've cared for her for over a decade while my siblings have done nothing.

If she wants to share it all equally that's fine too, I don't mind. I haven't cared for money, most carers don't, they've done it because it is the right thing to do in their minds.

The daughter is not caring for financial gain. If she wanted financial gain, she'd have dumped the mother and got on with her life. Carers care because we want to, not because we are graspers, many like my mother willl probably share all equally but the caring hasn't also been shared equally it's been left for one of the siblings.

I'd have no guilt if I got extra, if I don't I don't mind.

"If you all agreed, you could re-arrange the will after the death so that you all get an equal share."
But it's not about what you finally get, emsyj, it's about what you are initially given. The hurt is caused by the father's decision, not about any loss to the value of the inheritance. It is the sense of unfairness, the feeling of not being loved as much.

I can only stress again that I think the father is trying to be fair in a different way, trying to put the other daughter back to the financial position she would have been in had she not been caring for him, and splitting the remainder equally.

OP said of her sister - "She also works in the medical professional so has been able to advice him medically which he feels has helped him enormously. She is also very practical and thinks of everything (e.g. makes dinners, buys clothes, visits with grandchildren etc),". That all takes time, time that is then not available to her job and her children. Her career may well be taking a hit right now, as she may be passing on chances for training, experience and advancement. The father will be aware of that, and is trying to correct for that.

Either the OP equates inheritance with favour (and many would feel that way, it's hard not to); or perhaps her sense of (undeserved) guilt at not sharing the load is twisting into the jealousy and resentment she says she feels.

The OP says she feels resentment as her sister "now seems to be the person most important to him." Of course she is the most important - in the same way that the district nurse would be under different circumstances. Important does not mean most loved. It does not mean most favoured. I only hope the OP can come round to that fact. Her father loves his children equally, and he is doing his best to be fair and to leave them equal shares, but he is acknowledging the financial hit that one daughter is shouldering.

YABU. Without your sister he may well have had to pay a carer and there would be less inheritance for all of you. You chose to live away and she chose to stay and devote hours to caring for him. Inheritance isn't a right, he could just leave it all to charity you know.