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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being FAT is a symptom of emotional problems NOT the cause?

93 replies

StrugglingDemonFighter · 19/07/2011 11:09

I have for years blamed my lack of self esteem/confidence/financial/career success on the fact that I 'let' myself get fat because I am greedy and lazy.

It has recently dawned on me that the reason I am fat is BECAUSE of my lack of self esteem/confidence and until I engage with/battle that I will not get anywhere.

I firmly believe that most if not all people are in the same boat as me. They may blame it on genes/medication whatever but the genetic thing is probably explained by growing up in a household where low self esteem is the norm and the medication thing is down to feeling that that there is something wrong with you BECAUSE you have to take medication. Of course, medication could probably make you put on a small amount of weight due to hormonal/metabolism changes but not to the degree that some very overweight people that put it down to.

Basically you must hate yourself to some degree to put up with feeling like shit/ugly/heavy/sweaty and until you accept it and work on bringing the emotions causing this to the surface, no diet in the world will help you and you will not get anywhere.

So next time, you see a very overweight person and think, 'how could they let themselves get like that' bear that in mind.

All you fellow fatties out there stop hating yourself and work out why you do.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 19/07/2011 11:48

"think my problem is having too many carbs a day but atm i am too tired from not sleeping and having a baby to run around after to cut them right back, i need the energy." any calorie is energy - that what a calorie measures - the amount of energy in a food!

an open chicken sandwich with plenty of chicken which has the same calories as a two slice sandwich with less chicken will give you just as much energy (and will last longer as protein are much slower to release their energy) if the calores are the same.

LadyThumb · 19/07/2011 11:48

I put on a lot of weight due to having a triple bypass and being very ill for the next 18 months. Nothing to do with emotional issues or self-esteem.

Kewcumber · 19/07/2011 11:48

madhairmoody - lucky you I put on 3 stone on steroids Shock and I wasn't exactly sylphlike to start with!

AlpinePony · 19/07/2011 11:49

YANBU.

There are medical professions outside of the UK who understand this. Perhaps one day this truth will permeate.

Kewcumber · 19/07/2011 11:50

Tanif - out of interest what is your idea of being fat? I'm interested because most people who talk about not minding being fat are not fat in my assessment of the word. I was a large size 30 at my largest. I hated being fat.

Kewcumber · 19/07/2011 11:52

though I do agree OP that relatively few people are overwieght due to their genes or hormones. And self esteem des play a significantly part in people who are morbidly obese. not so sure that its as applicable to anyone who isn;t forced to shop at Evans or from online shops

Laquitar · 19/07/2011 11:52

People now will come and start giving facts about calories, fat, exerrcise etc.
The thing is if it was so simple then the problem would have gone years ago.

Everybody can do simple maths, it is not unique knowledge that 'clever' people get and 'thick' ones don't.

worraliberty · 19/07/2011 11:57

When people give facts/advice about calories etc... they don't normally say it's simple.

However, a lot of people do tend to throw the line back at them "Well if it was that simple, we'd all be thin"

Losing weight is a long hard slog but ultimately worth it...not just for self esteem but for health reasons.

RunnerHasbeen · 19/07/2011 11:58

"the medication thing is down to feeling that that there is something wrong with you BECAUSE you have to take medication"

I don't agree with this part at all, in my case it was a relief to be on steroids (which cause weight gain, although I was careful and didn't gain much) - it is a better feeling knowing there is a medication that can help than the feeling of dread when you know something is wrong but not what. It is a very rare case where someone is feeling fine on day and then gets told they need a drug of some sort. The feeling of something being wrong is not caused by the need to medicate.

I also don't really agree with you overall, I think it is more complicated and we can't ignore the influence of high fat, easily available foods and sedentary lifestyles. I don't believe we are a generation with considerably less self esteem and confidence than all those that have come before us.

BlooferLady · 19/07/2011 12:02

YANBU to have come to this conclusion for yourself - great to have thought it through and have that level of insight. I hope it helps you! :)

It's just not the case for me though. Granted I'm not fat fat FAT fat fat (God, do I have to wheel out my vital statistics AGAIN?! Grin 5 ft 8 size 18 hourglass, can walk 10 miles but would rather not run it thanks) but I don't hate myself nor is this why I am not thin. I am overweight because I love food, I have a big appetite, I don't specially enjoy sports or being out and about, my solution to the woes of myself, my loved ones and my friends is to make truly SUPERB cake, and my character is that of a woman who does a lot of music/painting/writing/reading - all good for the mind and soul, less so for my IMMENSE ass!

Yeah, I get moments of self-loathing, but no more than that which my other friends (of all shapes and sizes) suffer from.

So YABU to project your conclusions on to others, 'specially me! .

Kewcumber · 19/07/2011 12:03

orra - but people do tend to state the bleedin obvious not taking into account that there can;t be many people who are overweight who genuinely don't realise that they eat too much and exercise too little.

I also don;t have much truck with the "lack of control" brigade (whilst acepting that its true) - no-one has control over their vices and its an unhelpful and sneery comment. Anyone who has ever got drunk knows its bad for them, its serves no purpose and yet you still do it because you have no control over yourself?

I'm a non-drinker - so do I have control over myself or not? Well obvious I do for some things but struggle with others.

worraliberty · 19/07/2011 12:05

I do understand what you're saying Kew but with regards to stating the obvious, you'll still see people on these threads who seem to need it stating to them...I mean going by some of the things they sometimes post.

I think that's why it's said so often.

Tanif · 19/07/2011 12:08

Kew I'm an 18/20 but quite short. I'm fairly certain I count as fat as I have to have a consultant throughout my pregnancy.

Miggsie · 19/07/2011 12:10

My friend has had CBT to analyse why she reaches for food so often...it is an emotional crutch for her, like alcohol is for others. Once she understood what was making her reach for food, she stopping needing it.

As a result of her experience I have made sure I never NEVER give DD food as a "there there" thing. No matter what, if she is unhappy or hurt or a bit crying I hug her and we look at a book, or put on a DVD, I never offer food. The CBT person said that often we use food as an emotional soother to cope with life early in childhood, and then it becomes a vicious circle. But I am amazed at how strong my urge to give DD a biscuit when she is unhappy actually is and I really have to fight it. For myself, I took up knitting as I had something to do with my hands and didn't keep snacking in the evenings!!!!!

worraliberty · 19/07/2011 12:19

True Miggsie Someone the other week posted to ask how she could keep her children quiet during a wedding ceremony and I was stunned at how many people told her to bring snacks to 'keep them busy and quiet'

I wonder if that's a relatively new thing?

Original poster
StrugglingDemonFighter · 19/07/2011 12:23

Lots of self denial on this as I expected Grin.

Those of you who 'love food' so much as to have to wear tents and give yourself the potential for medical problems really ought to wonder WHY you love food so much. What is it doing for you?

OP posts:
bamboobutton · 19/07/2011 12:25

heh, i know food=energy. i'm not explaining what i mean very well. i tried cutting back on bad carbs, white bread, rice, pasta etc, and ended up feeling so faint and woozy.

i'm replacing them with brown but i still have tooo many crabs a day.
for eg today i had cerial for brekky(carbs) im doing golden food and veg for lunch as i am shattered and cba to cook properly(more carbs) and for supper i am doing homemade pasta sauce with wholewheat pasta(even more carbs) although i might change that to bobotie.
today is a bad day though as i have been awake since 4am and my head feels like its full of hot cotton-wool.

Laquitar · 19/07/2011 12:28

Oh i remember that worrra! I was Hmm too. i remember you now.

The same happens with travel threads, plane/car always the genious reply 'give them snacks!'

Tanif · 19/07/2011 12:30

struggling I don't wear tents! I wear very nice clothes that I like very much! Okay so there's a 1 in front of the 8 on the labels but in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter? I'm healthy as an ox, my blood pressure is spot on, and I enjoy my life.

Peachy · 19/07/2011 12:31

Strugggling I am not huge but being voerweight stops me from doing nothing.

This autumn I will perform on a carnival float in front of half a million people over a circuit. Some nights I will go on the front as I am good at it and perform well.

I'd like to lose some weight and actually keep it off (always my problem) but I won;t let my life enjoyment slip becuase of being not a size 12 any more.

Peachy · 19/07/2011 12:33

My boys are very skinny btw.

PITA that, comments about people can see who ate their lunch Hmm

I am size 16 at 5'6", ds1 has had treatment for ASD related eating disorders, ds2 just never keeps still- as ten year olds should not.
they eat a wonderful diet within the realms of ASD. I just eat even more.

Bartimaeus · 19/07/2011 12:46

OP - maybe for some people this is true but you can't generalise.

My sibling is very fat. And incredibly happy and full of self-confidence. They are fat because they eat too much and don't do enough exercise. They eat too much because they love their food and always have done.

They don't blame their weight on genes or medication. They blame the fact they eat too much. Except they don't really blame as they aren't unhappy so don't see that there is a problem to solve.

spookshowangel · 19/07/2011 12:50

i am pretty "fat" i dont hate myself, in fact i would go so far as to say that i am mostly pretty happy with my self (i know fat people are not suppose to say that) whats really funny is that when i use to hate myself for being fat was when i wasnt so i realised what a total waste of time it was.
i looked at photos of myself when i thought i was fat and thought god i looked great, so in a couple of years will i be bigger again looking at photos of myself now thinking how good i looked then. might be a weird logic but i stopped obsessing about my weight then. if i lose some great if i dont fab, i'm attractive either way.
i do understand that being overweight can be hugely detrimental to other peoples state of mind, or that their state of mind can be instrumental to their weight and can be a horrible circle.
but like some people here said i like cake and crisps and dont like running.

worraliberty · 19/07/2011 12:50

I think the problem to solve generally comes later in life when they realise it's taken a toll on their health.

I suppose it's like anything else, people never really believe anything will happen to them until it does.

garlicbutter · 19/07/2011 12:51

OP, I agree that my eating disorders, exercise addiction and general obsession with the size of my body were symptoms of emotional problems. I disagree with the implication that fixing the emotional issues = becoming standard size. I've found that the weight I gained while working on myself is staying on, because I'm more content with myself and no longer care much if I can't get clothes that fit from high-street chains.

I'm 5'8" and size 18. This, to me, is not a moral or emotional issue; why should it be? I'm teetering on the edge of 'obese', bmi-wise, but I'm not unable to walk or bend or anything, so I'm not bothered.

I agree that some super-sized people are expressing deep discontent by eating - thinking of those who have gastric bands put in, then carry on eating large portions. It's be better to give them therapy than surgery, imo.

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