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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Tell My Teenage DD That I Had An Abortion

65 replies

MotherOfaTeenageNosyParker · 18/07/2011 23:33

She was 8 at the time and I also had a 4yr old and a 2 yr old and due to our circumstances at the time (very stressful move to another country), I could not have coped with another baby. I was 6 weeks pregnant when I had it and at the time I was fine about it. It was a few years later that it hit home what I had done.

She is now 15 and read my bloody diary (I left it in the kitchen)! I am undergoing a 'self help' program as I have suffered from extreme anxiety for the last 5 years. Part of this is to recognise that I have to forgive myself for certain things that I feel guilty about so I can work on releasing the emotions attached to them. So I wrote a list of stuff that I need to mentally get rid off and put down the date that it happened rather than 'abortion' so she is now asking me what happened on that date! I have told her to mind her bloody nose but she's like a sniffer dog with the scent of a fox and will not let it go.

Now we have a very close relationship and talk about everything. She quite often comes to me with certain scenarios in her mind and asks me what I would do if for instance, she got pregnant, started smoking, started taking drugs etc. I always draw on my own experiences as a teenager to talk about things like this although I had my abortion at the age of 35 whilst in a happy marriage so totally different circumstances from a teenager getting pregnant (I was 27 when I had her) and I do not feel that I could ever share this experience with her as I am sure she would hate me.

I would be horrified if she found out and would be a complete hypocrite if she came to me for advice if she ever did want to have an abortion as I would advise her not to.

Is there ever a time for a mother to share something like this with her daughter?

OP posts:

TheSecondComing · 19/07/2011 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lemmein · 19/07/2011 09:44

I had an abortion 6 years ago - my daughters were 9 & 7. I've often wondered whether to tell them when they're older. Firstly because I'm worried someone else will, secondly I'm not ashamed of it and keeping it a secret would indcate I am and thirdly I was pregnant with twins - when my girls are older and pregnant they will have no idea twins is in the family.

I know my eldest will remember the day of my abortion because she came home and I was in tears - she asked me what was wrong and I told her I had stumped my toe (couldnt think fast enough!). She often brings that day up in a 'mam can you remember when you completely overreacted about stumping your toe' sort of way. My daughters arent against abortion - despite pro-life groups visiting their schools and brainwashing telling them otherwise, so I don't know, maybe one day I will tell - but not for now.

Only you know your daughter OP and how much this will affect her. If I were you I'd leave it until she is older - teens are unpredictable and shot all sorts of rubbish back in your face. Wait till she has the maturity to understand.

alemci · 19/07/2011 10:05

its really hard but I would say not too untill they are older. I am in a similar position to the original poster and it is something I bitterly regret and I will never forget. I was a young women. I don't think I would tell my dd's but sometimes the urge to explain my over protectiveness towards ED overwhelms me.

My dd is very anti sex before marriage and has a steady bf. She won't sleep with him. I just said to her if she was ever pregnant don't have a termination. I would stand by her.

I think when your own kids become teenagers it triggers something in you. I am very emotional and get tearful quite easily. Memories which were buried came flooding back.

Is this similar to you OP.

Milngavie · 19/07/2011 10:29

My Mum told me she'd had an abortion for medical reasons, I was 19 when she told me. I was pg with ds1 and she wanted me to have an abortion but I refused.

Did it affect me? Not really, I was shocked at first but after thinking it over I fully appreciate her reasons and in the same boat I'd have done the same.

4madboys · 19/07/2011 10:36

i found out my mum had an abortion when i was a baby, i was about 16mths? she was living abroad and my dad was in the forces so it was hard for her, i was a teen when i found out and wasnt bothered by her choice.#

she went on to have my sister when i was 6 yrs.

it hasnt affected my relationship with her in any way :)

you will know if your dd is mature enough to understand, but i Would be using this as an opportunity to talk to her about privacy etc and how she shouldnt be reading your private things!

also if the date of the abortion is around whne you moved abroad can you ell her that is what the date means?

BlueFergie · 19/07/2011 10:53

I agree that you shouldn't tell her. Mainly because you don't want to and that is enough reason. Noone has the right to force a confirdence out of you that you don't want to make, not even your daughter. If it was something that related to her, then yes you should but quite frankly this is nothing to do with her. She is just being nosy.

Tell her you are disappointed that she invaded your privacy, and that you are not going to let her invade it further. That the date has meaning to you which is personal and is none of her business. That maybe when she matures a bit she will realise that people's privacy should be respected.

TheBigJessie · 19/07/2011 10:57

Perhaps your daughter may be pretty worried about whatever it was, and that's why she's being so tenacious. Her imagination may be running riot, so maybe you could reassure her somehow when you tell her that it's a private matter.

StickyFloor · 19/07/2011 11:14

You are an adult who made an adult decision. Keeping something private does not mean it is in any way shameful.

She is a child who cannot possibly understand the complexities of such a decision until she is older.

You are her mum, and she needs to respect your privacy.

You can see from some of the nutters on this thread how emotive a subject this is, and you have no idea how she might react, so why put her and yourself through it just to satisfy her nosiness?

Awomancalledhorse · 19/07/2011 11:26

I would wait until the other children are old enough to understand, if you really want them to share it with any children.
If she knew now she could always tell your younger children (obviously I don't know your daughter, but I know how spiteful some teenagers can be) & I don't think a 10 & 8yr old could process 'mum had an abortion' without thinking 'Mum killed your baby sister/brother'.
If she keeps it a secret and your other children find out in 10/20 etc years they could feel hurt that you shared this information with their older sister but not them.

I'm more shocked that she would read your diary, she needs to understand how wrong that is..bet if you read her diary later on today she'd be a bit miffed! BlueFergie says it better than I have tried!

Good luck with the 'self help' program, I hope it helps your anxiety.

Onemorning · 19/07/2011 11:27

My mother told me when I was 15 that she'd had an abortion. I'm sure she made the right decision, and am strongly pro-choice so don't judge it. But at the time she was telling me because she wanted to offload, and I was left to deal with that.

I'd strongly suggest waiting until she is older. You're entitled to your privacy, and she is entitled not to have to try and deal with her emotions around it at her age.

OhThisIsJustGrape · 19/07/2011 12:37

Do not tell her. Firstly, you are still processing your own emotions over the abortion and there's a strong chance you will end up offloading them onto your DD.

Secondly, my best friend was 15 when she discovered her mum had had an abortion a few years previously. She gave her mum absolute hell over it, called her a murderer for killing her baby brother/sister etc. Now, looking back, I think these were just typical teenage girl hysterics - the tendency to dramatise things is huge at that age remember! - but are you mentally strong enough to cope with such a backlash should she react in the same way?

cottonreels · 19/07/2011 14:14

I wouldn't tell either. Not enough experience of life yet to deal with it. Its not a secret, you'll probably tell her one day when she's older.

biddysmama · 19/07/2011 14:38

i wouldnt.. my mum had an abortion at 14, she got pregnant with me at 18 but found out too late to have an abortion... she told me this when i went to her at 18 after i'd found out i was pregnant with ds, i wish she hadnt!

valiumredhead · 19/07/2011 15:21

This was YOUR decision - it doesn't involve her.

I agree. Just because she read your diary it doesn't mean she has to know all the details now. Maybe later when she is MUCH older, but it is YOUR business and yours alone x

RichTeaAreCrap · 19/07/2011 15:43

OP I agree that you shouldn't tell her - it is private and also I think she is too young at the moment to know.

However, just to put a different slant on it, I'll tell you something that happened to me. I have a very close relationship with my mum and we are always very open with each other. She had a secret that she had kept from me and my sibblings about something that she went through before we were even born. We never knew anything about it because her and my dad had decided not to tell us (for all the right reasons, they thought it better for us not to know as it would never have any relevance in our lives). Her sisters knew though, obviously. One day when I was about 17 my cousin dropped the bombshell and told me about it.

Although it was completely innocent how she told me, and she was mortified that she had let it slip, I was absolutely devastated. I was so upset that I had to find out that way and that my mum hadn't had enough trust in me to tell me herself. I was very shocked about it because I had been brought up thinking I knew everything about her. It took me a long time to digest and understand - I had to get my head around what had happened with her and also try to work out why she hadn't told me. We did talk about it afterwards and I do understand why she had decided not to tell any of us, but I felt as though everyone knew apart from me and my siblings. I was a bit angry at that too - what right did cousins and aunts/uncles have to know and not me, the closest person to her? I also didn't feel as close to her as I had previously and even now sometimes feel as though she didnt respect the closeness we had - I shared everything with her but she didn't do that with me. I know a lot of that is irrational and she was the adult, but it was how I felt at the time.

Now I am older I can see the position she was in but she always regrets not telling me herself and can't forgive herself that i found out the way I did.

So, although I don't think your DD is old enough to be told yet, there is always the danger of someone else telling her and her feeling awful about that (as I did), so it may be worth thinking about talking to her about it when she is a bit older. It would be different if nobody else knew because then there wouldn't be a chance of her accidentally finding out, but in the position you are in then it may be worth considering when you feel she is old enough.

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