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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Tell My Teenage DD That I Had An Abortion

65 replies

MotherOfaTeenageNosyParker · 18/07/2011 23:33

She was 8 at the time and I also had a 4yr old and a 2 yr old and due to our circumstances at the time (very stressful move to another country), I could not have coped with another baby. I was 6 weeks pregnant when I had it and at the time I was fine about it. It was a few years later that it hit home what I had done.

She is now 15 and read my bloody diary (I left it in the kitchen)! I am undergoing a 'self help' program as I have suffered from extreme anxiety for the last 5 years. Part of this is to recognise that I have to forgive myself for certain things that I feel guilty about so I can work on releasing the emotions attached to them. So I wrote a list of stuff that I need to mentally get rid off and put down the date that it happened rather than 'abortion' so she is now asking me what happened on that date! I have told her to mind her bloody nose but she's like a sniffer dog with the scent of a fox and will not let it go.

Now we have a very close relationship and talk about everything. She quite often comes to me with certain scenarios in her mind and asks me what I would do if for instance, she got pregnant, started smoking, started taking drugs etc. I always draw on my own experiences as a teenager to talk about things like this although I had my abortion at the age of 35 whilst in a happy marriage so totally different circumstances from a teenager getting pregnant (I was 27 when I had her) and I do not feel that I could ever share this experience with her as I am sure she would hate me.

I would be horrified if she found out and would be a complete hypocrite if she came to me for advice if she ever did want to have an abortion as I would advise her not to.

Is there ever a time for a mother to share something like this with her daughter?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

NoJusticeJustUs · 19/07/2011 08:51

Unnecessary post !

pink4ever · 19/07/2011 08:52

Charlene- you clearly have strong views which is you are perfectly entitled to. I myself have concerns that abortion legislation needs to be changed. However name calling will not convince any one of your argument-lets try and keep this grown up shall we?.

ScaredOfCows · 19/07/2011 08:52

I hope MN pull the whole thread actually, hopefully before the OP sees that vile comment.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 19/07/2011 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Original poster

MotherOfaTeenageNosyParker · 19/07/2011 08:56

charleneanne - I am the OP. I am not bothered about your judgement of me, I am the only one who can judge myself. I think you need to look at yourself and your attitude to other people before you call anyone names.

OP posts:

fastweb · 19/07/2011 08:57

I hope MN pull the whole thread actually

I don't.

Cos doing that gives a highlighted roadmap to closing down all or any discussion of abortion. The second any person wanting input or support mentions the word the rabid pro lifers will be able to censor the topic by posting personal attacks.

I can't support giving them that kind of power to dictate conversation.

squeakytoy · 19/07/2011 08:58

OP, no, you shouldnt tell your daughter, and you should be telling her off very strongly for reading your diary in the first place. Even if you left in a place that you didnt mean to, it didnt give her the right to nosy through it. You should say to her that it is private, and one day you might want to talk it through with her, but at the moment, she shouldnt have have been reading it, and whatever it is, is none of her business.

You could be economic with the truth if it is easier, by tell her that you lost a baby. I think at 15 it could be a bit difficult for her to digest the real story and react maturely to it, considering her reading your diary and badgering you so much at the moment.

AnyFucker · 19/07/2011 09:00

I hope the thread stays too, it has been very helpful to OP

FWIW, my late contribution is that, if I were in this situation, I would not tell your dd

she isn't old enough to process the information with maturity

so many loaded emotions here, teenagers do not cope with them very well at the best of times

OP, the information is private to you

maybe one day you could discuss it, but not now

the fact she read your diary in the first place gives me a massive indication that now is not the time

slightlymad72 · 19/07/2011 09:01

Your daughter is not mature enough to listen and I don't think that you are mentally ready to tell her.

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 19/07/2011 09:01

I have just reported charleannes post as well. Am v.concerned that such a personal attack is still up after 15 minutes.

MotherOfaTeenageNosyParker I can understand your reasons, but I wouldn't tell my daughter under similar circs. Plus, it gives you the ideal opportunity to talk about trust and diaries that may be useful in future.

halcyondays · 19/07/2011 09:01

No I wouldn't tell her. She shouldn't have read your diary even if you did leave it lying about.

MotherOfaTeenageNosyParker · 19/07/2011 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TandB · 19/07/2011 09:05

Seriously, do people like charlenanne just trawl the internet from morning to night, sniffing out any mention of "the a word", ready to pounce?

And for what? Name-calling. Hardly the most articulate or even original argument. It's not likely to make anyone go "Ooh, good point. I never thought of it like that".

Can't the pro-lifers afford better minions? Things getting a little tight now that people have realised that women actually have rights over their own bodies and choices?

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 19/07/2011 09:06

Then you are a far far better person than me Mother.

I want to pull her hair. [childish emoticon]

fastweb · 19/07/2011 09:06

Love, you tell when you are good and ready.

In the meantime a chat about the parental right to privacy and their inner thoughts, feelings and history NOT being communal property is in order if you think that is what you would prefer.

She is old enough now to start to realize that while you are her mum, you are also a person in your own right and if she wouldn't read a friend's diary and then nag them for further details then she shouldn't do it to you either.

My mum having that conversation with me at more or less the same age was an important lesson in starting to see parents as being more than just the primary role they had in my life.

BecauseImWorthIt · 19/07/2011 09:07

I don't think you should tell her. Her concern about abortion, if she has any, will almost certainly, give her age, be about what she should do if she gets pregnant now. The reasons why you had an abortion in your circumstances may be much more diffiicult to understand for her. It must have been very difficult for you, and I hope that the self-help programme you're going through will help you with your feelings about this - I assume that there is some relationship between the abortion and your anxiety?

I'm so sorry for the way your sisters treated you. That must have added even more distress to you and your situation.

And as for charleneanne - a quick reading of some of her posting history suggests that you should definitely ignore her.

Hopefully MN will delete her posts asap.

ZombiePlan · 19/07/2011 09:09

Frankly, I'd be giving her the bollocking from hell for reading the diary. And then more of the same for thinking she's got the right to try to harangue you for MORE private information. How dare she be so rude! It's your private business, you obviously don't want to share it, in your shoes I'd just tell her to mind her own.

TandB · 19/07/2011 09:15

And OP, I wouldn't tell her either. For more than one reason. Firstly, it doesn't sound like you want to tell her. This is your private information and she has no absolute right to know. Secondly, teenagers can be prone to storing up "ammunition" against their parents and you don't want this to be used as a stick to beat you with during every minor disagreement in the future. And finally, if you tell her in these circumstances you are effectively green-lighting future breaches of your privacy. I would be coming down quite heavily on her for reading your diary. As fastweb says, you are a person in your own right and you have a right to your personal information.

emptyshell · 19/07/2011 09:16

I wouldn't tell her.

My mother's always been open with me (some would say - I probably would with adult hindsight - to the point of offloading her emotional baggage and guilt onto her daughter) about the fact that the abusive relationship which produced me was a rebound one from one where she ended up pregnant, went to tell him and found him in bed with another woman so ended up having an abortion. Now, I'll admit I'm not the most mentally healthy person out there - but having that landed on you in your teenage years has the nice potential to fuck with your head a lot - I got it into my head (still do have to be honest) that my existence is only there because of the murder (not judging here - just explaining it how my teenage self twisted it around) of another, and that I was a mistake or some kind of abomination... even at my lowest points now I often catch myself thinking that she aborted the wrong kid and I shouldn't have been allowed to live. I'd rather not have known - and that's speaking AS someone who is very strongly pro-choice.

cantspel · 19/07/2011 09:17

No dont tell her as quite frankly it is none of her business and she shouldn't be snooping in your personal stuff. Ask her how she would feel if you had a read through her personal thoughts and then ask her why she thinks you would feel any different.

WriterofDreams · 19/07/2011 09:17

Normally I'm in favour of being open with kids but this is a personal issue for you that you haven't resolved emotionally so I don't think it's right to tell her. It was very rude and inappropriate of her to read your diary (I hope you went through that with her) and she's put you in a very tough position. The information doesn't directly affect her so she doesn't have any right to know unless you feel comfortable telling her.

TheSecondComing · 19/07/2011 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 19/07/2011 09:21

I think she's too young right now.

Teenagers often have a very black and white view on these things - based purely on observation I get the impression that a lot of them are anti-abortion. It's not until they grow up a bit and live a little that they can see beyond "killing a baybee" and understand the perfectly good reasons why women might choose termination (not to mention the physiological stuff).

They're also very susceptible to some of the pro-life propoganda out there.

I'd worry that, right now, your dd would blame you and use it against you.

TheBigJessie · 19/07/2011 09:29

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Message deleted by Mumsnet.

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