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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to only want to adopt?

33 replies

BeAsBrutalAsYouWant · 18/07/2011 22:41

I've been here for a while and think this forum is tremendous entertainment. I also think it's the one of the few places where I'd get an honest and informative answer. I'm a bloke, and feel very, very strongly that I don't want my own children, but am extremely keen to adopt. The strongest reason (there are many) is my feeling that I don't want to bring a life into the world when I could help another that's already here. That and I know I would feel the same way about an adopted child as I would my own.

The problem is I'm at an age (early 30's) where in general it seems women will either:

  • want their own children, or more children if they already have some.

  • not want children at all and are career focused (which doesn't tally with what I want out of life anyway - if I have kids, I want us both to spend proper time with them).

I'm totally open to the idea of being with someone who already has kids and being a stepdad, but not if they want more of their own. Some of my friends/family of both sexes say it's either admirable, stupid or baffling, but pretty much all say I'm living in cloud cuckoo land. I do feel like it stops me from getting close to people too, as I don't want to lead anyone on only for them to find this out later.

AIB totally ridiculous? If I could, I'd adopt as a singleton, but I understand that's really quite difficult. I've often thought what I want is going to be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Please don't take this as an attack either on people having kids - it's just how I feel!

Feel free to ignore, flame etc - Namechange for the hell of it. Thanks for any advice you want to give.

OP posts:
MoonGirl1981 · 18/07/2011 22:44

It's up to you, it's your life.

My partner was never bothered about having his own children but took on mine as his own, and is an excellent father.

You do whatever feels right for you!

:)

hiddenhome · 18/07/2011 22:44

I think you will have difficulty finding someone who would be willing to do this. Most women want their own children. You might find someone who's had dcs and doesn't want any more, but not really in their 30s unless they've had a really bad experience.

123caughtaflea · 18/07/2011 22:47

Not so at all hiddenhome. But it is possibly a little "specialist". OP - can I refer you to www.adoptionuk.org or the adoption section of this website.

You can also consider adoption as a single parent - male single adopters are as rare as hen's teeth and very valued.

Adoption's very hard work, but by far and away the most rewarding thing I ever did - in fact my raison d'etre to be honest!

bubblesincoffee · 18/07/2011 22:47

YANBU to want what you want, but you are making it very difficult for yourself to find someone who wants the same as you.

I think you should look into the adoption process just to find out the real detail of whats involved, and then if you did meet someone, or decide to go it alone, you will already have a lot of information. And information is power!

123caughtaflea · 18/07/2011 22:49

Oh sorry, should have read the OP more carefully. It IS quite difficult to be approved to adopt, but not impossible at all and not necessarily harder as a single person. Possibly easier to adopt as a single person than find a partner who is right for you and shares your views on adoption. Especially as the authorities will want you to have been together for a minimum of 2 years before applying.

Blurry29 · 18/07/2011 22:49

takes hat of to you

I find it adorable that you feel this way as not many people would.

Yes you probably will find people that can't undewrstand why you would do it this way around, don't get me wrong there is nothing like bringing your own flesh and blood into the worl, knowing that you've made them etc etc etc. I only have one DS and I couldn't imagine him not being in my world. But I can completely see why you would want to help a child out there somewhere who maybe hasn't had the best start in life etc.......

I am happily married and have no intention of having any more, if things ever changed and I met someone like you I think it would make me love you even more for the reasons you have stated.

I do think you need to relax a little as you have said it can stop you getting close to people, if you are straight with people ( which it sounds like you are) then if they are willing to stand by you etc then they are for real, try not to over think things too much.

Why not look into adopting as a singleton, you have just as much to give as anyone else :)

Original poster
BeAsBrutalAsYouWant · 18/07/2011 22:54

Thank you all for the quick replies! I'd naively more or less dismissed the idea of male single parent adoption as being feasible just on the basis that I thought it would be a pretty much instant rejection from talking to people (who probably don't know anything about the process). Knowing that it would be very valued is fantastic news.

But yeah - it is a strange way I feel and I completly agree I'm kind of asking for a lot. I guess you never know though!

OP posts:
Blurry29 · 18/07/2011 22:56

shame I'm happily married...I'd happily run off and adopt 20 with ya if I could :)

Kewcumber · 18/07/2011 22:56

its perfectly possible to adopt as a single man. I know someone who's adoption of a 10 year old boy went through only a couple of months ago.

You would be quite low down the "picking list" for matching so will be most likely matched with an older child. Many older childrne (but not all) will come with additional needs that a birth child may not. They may have suffered a great deal more in their short life than you ever will and will need a lot of attention and patience. Do you have the kind of job that would accomodate that? Do you have practical support from friends and/or family? If so - why wait - start the process as a single adopter.

What is more important to you - having a family through adoption or aving a partner? Whichver is more important to you is the one which should come chronologiclly first (happy co-incidences aside like stumbling across the woman of your dreams who already has a 7 year old with an absent father!)

Kewcumber · 18/07/2011 22:57

I should add that I am a (female) single adopter

Kayano · 18/07/2011 22:57

Entirely your call

I'm adopted and would like to say thanks because if not for my mum and dad I would have had a pretty dire life x

Original poster
BeAsBrutalAsYouWant · 18/07/2011 22:58

Thank you blurry! My main problem is over thinking everything. It does hold me back in a lot of ways, but I can't help questioning the important decisions in life. I'd love to be more impulsive - seriously envious of those that are - but in many ways my way of thinking has given me a hell of a lot of freedom and security too, so it can't be too bad.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 18/07/2011 22:59

there are many situation where a male adopter would be possible/prefered - child abused by mother, child with absent father but contact still desired if possible by birth mother (much easier with no adoptive mother in the picture arguably), hard to place child where any good parent is better than none.

Kewcumber · 18/07/2011 23:00

Overthinking everything is a valuable skill in getting through a home study! Local councils have open evenings for people interested in adoption.

Kewcumber · 18/07/2011 23:01

And if you're tall dark and rich handsome I have a very lovely lovely child with no current father Wink

KikkiK · 18/07/2011 23:04

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I'm a woman, early 30s, and while I want a family, I don't want to ever be pregnant or give birth. So that means stepchildren (if I meet someone with kids) or adopted children.

I'll be watching this thread with interest. All the best to you, OP.

Kayano · 18/07/2011 23:04

Lmao. The mother comes standard though

Original poster
BeAsBrutalAsYouWant · 18/07/2011 23:04

kewcumber - I'm massively fortunate to only work part time (strangely caused by unfortunate reasons, but that's life). Being matched with an older child would be just fine by me. I wish in many ways that I'd had kids when I was a bit younger, as having older parents taught me that the best years of your life can be quite a small window. I'd still be able to make a difference.

I'm definitely going to start looking into it properly (that's tomorrow morning at work sorted).

As for which is more important....probably having children. I guess I can make more of a positive change on a child's life than on someone who's probably got her pick of men!

OP posts:
123caughtaflea · 18/07/2011 23:05

Have to say that my son, who was just about school age when he came home, needed a single parent family and in an objectively ideal world, would have been placed with a single male. However, life/fate/God whatever you see it as, meant him for me and me for him and here we are!

Very needy child mind!

spookshowangel · 18/07/2011 23:06

when i was out looking for a new man so to speak i was 29. didnt want any more kids of my own ever but am very interested in fostering not adoption per se, so there are women that feel that way out there. quick question have you had a vasectomy, to ensure you dont have any children of your own?

Original poster
BeAsBrutalAsYouWant · 18/07/2011 23:06

Ha, I can do dark and rich (kind of - I live a very frugal life!), and possibly handsome.

Relative to Kylie, I might be alright but tall I'm afraid is out!

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 18/07/2011 23:08

I do seriously think that a single paretn family (although it dos with challenges for the paretn) does allow teh child a great deal of attention which can be very beneficial for a chilld.

You aren't old by adoption terms - I was about 38 when I started the process and 41 when it was completed.

hester · 18/07/2011 23:09

I am an adoptive parent, and have met a few single gay men who have adopted - no reason why a single heterosexual man shouldn't. (You've even got a role model: you know that guy in Sex and the City - Carrie's friend - in RL he is straight and single and has adopted a young boy.)

Don't assume you can't do it! I would start by ringing a number of agencies, voluntary and local authority, and just talking through with them what they process is and whether they would be interested in taking you on.

Best of luck.

Athrawes · 18/07/2011 23:11

I am excited for you. Nothing more constructive to add other than, do it as soon as you can, while you are young, have an open mind to the "type" of child you might be offered, and relax. Parenting is really hard work, to get through it you need to be chilled. A young single dad with adopted child is hugely sexy, you will find that woman too, soon!

LancyLass · 18/07/2011 23:14

Not unreasonable at all. I used to feel that way too, and to some extent still do, but have been persuaded over the years that trying to have our own is just so much easier than trying to go through the adoption process plus hubby would like to try having our own flesh and blood. (Maybe a cop out, but I doubt I'd get through any adoption process because had mild mental problems for years - a result of also being someone who "overthinks everything"!!) Sorry, probably TMI about myself there... back to you...

Good luck, don't give up on your ideals. I hope there's a very lucky lady out there somewhere, with equally admirable principles, just waiting for you!

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