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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my mum to clean and tidy for our new arrival?

32 replies

trailsongs · 18/07/2011 21:38

I am 37 weeks with my first, and DP and me live with my mum. She was initially very excited about us having a baby, but won't make any effort to help out.

She has always been messy but it's really beginning to worry me now. Her bedroom and the spare room (which we had hoped would be a nursery) are in a complete mess. There are piles of junk on every surface, you can't see the floor and she never hoovers or dusts or cleans in there, EVER. I have been trying to get her to cooperate for the past six months, and I'd happily clean it all up myself but she freaks out if you touch anything and says I can't tell her what to do in her own house.

I appreciate that it is her house, but she has said all along that she would rather have us here than for us to pay a stranger extortionate rent, and we do contribute.

While me and DP do our best to keep all the other parts of the house clean, I'm really concerned about bringing a newborn into this environment as I'm sure all that dust and mustiness isn't healthy, even if we don't go into those rooms. Although, I'm not sure how serious the health risks are?

Being all hormonal and that, I've had a few emotional outbursts about it, so... now my mum thinks she's normal, and I'm being hysterical.

I also find it quite upsetting that she is not getting excited about the baby. My MIL and SIL have done absolutely loads to help and are really supportive and it makes me think there's something really up with my mum?!

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 18/07/2011 21:41

There's clearly not enough room for you so move out.

eurochick · 18/07/2011 21:43

I'm not sure anyone died of dust.... But it does sound like you could do with moving out and having your own space.

ddubsgirl · 18/07/2011 21:43

it is her house at the end of the day and if shes been like this all this time nothing is going to change her,either put up with it or move,my in laws have never been tidy and never cleaned up when i had my kids nor when my sil had her baby and she was living at home,they never moved meds out the way etc,never had a fire gaurd,after 14 yrs the high chair they said they would get still hasnt arrived lol!

AgentZigzag · 18/07/2011 21:45

I would start to look for somewhere else or there'll be trouble at' mill, which you don't want with a new baby to enjoy looking after.

RabbitPie · 18/07/2011 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 18/07/2011 21:48

It's possible she's a hoarder. If that's the case, then it's a waste of time and energy trying to make her change her behaviour, hoarding is a kind of an addiction and hoarders only change when they choose to.
You do need to think about moving out anyway as it sounds like the dynamics are not good.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 18/07/2011 21:48

Move out as sson as possible - you need your own space to bring up your own baby in your won way without your Mother chipping in her two pennorth! That way she can also be a doting grandma without feeling put upon.

DogsBestFriend · 18/07/2011 21:49

Are you serious? The rest of the house is clean but you're complaining about how the owner of it keeps her own bedroom? She's right, you can't tell he what to do in her own home... or at least you shouldn't.

As for the spare room, depends on whether you were offered it as a nursery or if you merely, as you say, "hoped" to have it (and to be frank how much you're paying in rent).

I think any excitement I may initially have felt would be diminished a little too! This may be her grandchild but it is NOT her baby, she can't be expected to be as excited as you. She may be dreading it if you are already making complaints and demanding changes!

Unless the house is really filthy - and bearing in mind you're speaking of 2 rooms you won't be going into, I don't see any health hazards really. Wait til baby is crawling and picking up worms in the garden!

There doesn't appear to be anything up with your mum to me.

HairyFrotter · 18/07/2011 21:50

I doubt a bit of dust would do bubs any real harm and it should be quite easy to keep them out of the offending rooms until they are mobile.
I don't think you can force your mum to clean and if you don't like it I would start looking for somewhere else. If your mum would rather you stay it might be an incentive for her to clean up you never know.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 18/07/2011 22:11

Dust and mustiness in a couple of closed off rooms aren't going to adversely affect your dc, and a nursery isn't absolutely essential to welcome the new arrival.

If it's a 3-bed house it could be that your mum feels that you and your dp will have effectively taken over her home if her spare bedroom becomes a nursery for your new dc.

she has said all along that she would rather have us here than for us to pay a stranger extortionate rent, and we do contribute If you appear to be looking for a 2 bed flat (call agents, look on the net, buy local papers etc) maybe your mum will have a rethink about her spare room.

Hopefully your mum will fall totally in love with her dgc and this will spur her on to clearing and cleaning, with your help of course.

In the meantime relax, and get as much sleep as you can before the birth.

FabbyChic · 18/07/2011 22:13

You should be in your own home, I'm sorry but you cannot expect your mother to change the way she lives because you are having a child. You are old enough to have a child you are old enough to have your own home.

With the money you have saved in rent you could have been saving for your own place.

AgentZigzag · 18/07/2011 22:14

'With the money you have saved in rent you could have been saving for your own place.'

How do you know she hasn't?

MissVerinder · 18/07/2011 22:17

Fabby said it. Get your own home, pronto, or else you will go crazeeeee.

bubblesincoffee · 18/07/2011 22:19

YABU, apart from anything else, being excited about a new baby does not equal cleaning.

Her house, her dust, you don't like it, you move.

Why in the world do you want to live with your Mum anyway when you are starting your own family?

WhoAteMySnickers · 18/07/2011 22:20

I think it is entirely reasonable for your mum to choose to keep two non communal rooms in her own house in whatever state she likes.

Move out if you don't like it.

FabbyChic · 18/07/2011 22:25

Bubbles because it is cheap!

MissBeehiving · 18/07/2011 22:25

YABU.

They are rooms in her house, which you don't use. Your mum is "doing her bit" by allowing you to live there. If it irks you, move out.

bubblesincoffee · 18/07/2011 22:29

Well, I suppose there is that!

I love my Mum dearly and we get on well, but I wouldn't live with her if you paid me. So I suppose I just find it hard to understand why anyone would want to still be living with their parents when thay are in a relationship and having a baby.

Cleverything · 18/07/2011 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

trailsongs · 18/07/2011 22:33

I would happily move out but have to wait till I go back to work before we can really afford to. Maybe I should chill out a bit in the time being...but it's hard when you're crazy nesting!

I had heard that a dusty house increases the risk of a child developing asthma/eczema/allergies and these all run in my family. But maybe as long as long as we stay clear of those rooms it'll be alright.

DogsBestFriend - my mum offered the spare room as a nursery (we didn't ask) and we were supposed to have painted it months ago (she wanted it painted). I didn't start out complaining and I certainly am not making demands I just expected a little more cooperation. But fair enough, it is her house.

Springchickengoldbrass - this has crossed my mind... I do hope not but as you say, if so, there's not much I can do about it!

OP posts:

FuzzpigFourFiveSix · 18/07/2011 22:40

Actually there is a school of thought that believes it's the children in really clean houses who may be more likely to develop asthma - they are not exposed to minor amounts of allergens and therefore cannot build up immunity.

Anyway... Hoarding is an addiction and it's the reason DH and I (well, DP back then) moved out when I was pregnant. I really doubt this will work for you for very long. Hang tight for now, and save up as much money as possible, so when you can afford it you can move.

DogsBestFriend · 18/07/2011 22:43

Fair comment, OP, and I apologise. :)

I dunno about dust because I'm seemingly permanantly attached to my Dyson but if it's a comfort my DC have always been brought up with a miltitude of cats and dogs to no ill effect and they, like humans, produce a fair amount of dander.

chalat · 18/07/2011 22:54

Agree with those who have said move as soon as practicable. Your mother is unlikely to change. We never lived with my mother but she too wanted to clear stuff 'herself' from the hoarded stuff that took over the entire house and strongly resented any offers to help or do it for her, she wanted to do it 'herself'. To her dying day.

Cleverything · 18/07/2011 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ll31 · 19/07/2011 00:10

move out... its ur mothers house its completely up to her how she keeps it and u've no right to complain.. good luck with new baby!

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