to expect my mum to clean and tidy for our new arrival?

[trailsongs]

I am 37 weeks with my first, and DP and me live with my mum. She was initially very excited about us having a baby, but won't make any effort to help out.

She has always been messy but it's really beginning to worry me now. Her bedroom and the spare room (which we had hoped would be a nursery) are in a complete mess. There are piles of junk on every surface, you can't see the floor and she never hoovers or dusts or cleans in there, EVER. I have been trying to get her to cooperate for the past six months, and I'd happily clean it all up myself but she freaks out if you touch anything and says I can't tell her what to do in her own house.

I appreciate that it is her house, but she has said all along that she would rather have us here than for us to pay a stranger extortionate rent, and we do contribute.

While me and DP do our best to keep all the other parts of the house clean, I'm really concerned about bringing a newborn into this environment as I'm sure all that dust and mustiness isn't healthy, even if we don't go into those rooms. Although, I'm not sure how serious the health risks are?

Being all hormonal and that, I've had a few emotional outbursts about it, so... now my mum thinks she's normal, and I'm being hysterical.

I also find it quite upsetting that she is not getting excited about the baby. My MIL and SIL have done absolutely loads to help and are really supportive and it makes me think there's something really up with my mum?!

[honeyandsalt]

Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought the advice was to have the baby's moses basket/cot in with you for the first six months anyway? Nurserys aren't the essential thing you must do for a very new baby that tv and magazines makes them out to be imho.

Mould isn't too healthy, but a bit of dust is unlikely to do any harm.

[QueenStromba]

eurochick: Dust has killed loads of people, trying to change the hoover bag has almost put me in hospital with my asthma a few times.

FuzzpigFourFiveSix: Recent research (last decade or so) shows that the reason asthma and allergies are linked to cleanliness is because the part of the immune system responsible for allergies is the part of the system that deals with parasites (anything bigger than a bacterium). The human immune system evolved in an environment where we were all constantly infected with some parasite or other so now that we are for the most part parasite free, that part of the immune system gets bored and starts attacking any biological particle that's bigger than a bacterium.

This would be very difficult to prove scientifically so I'd be surprised if you could find this in a journal but I think that it might just be that you are more likely to become allergic to something that was around when you were being weaned i.e. the age where historically you would first be infected by a parasite. Think about it, the four most common allergies to air born substances are to dust mite faeces (you'll find that in every home), pollen (you'll find that outside most of the year), dogs and cats (most homes will have one of the other), mould is also a common one which most people wont be aware they're allergic to. I know I'm very allergic to the first four (I've been tested) and I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to mould too . My mum is a bit of a slattern so there were definitely a lot of dust mites and mould around when I was a baby (old house too), unless there was a storm I was in the garden (pollen, check), we had a dog and my grandmother had two cats and a dog.

[QueenStromba]

Oops, sorry for the long post that didn't actually answer the OP. I also think you should move out. Cleanliness aside the house dynamic sounds awful. From the sounds of it your mum loved the idea when it was all abstract but now that it's real she's getting cold feet but doesn't know how to tell you. You'll be much more comfortable in your own place, you can have things how you like it. If money's a bit tight you could always get a 1 bed for the first 6 months and move to a bigger place when your baby need's his or her own room, there's nothing even stopping you putting the crib in the living room until the baby is 1/2. Don't forget that you might be entitled to some housing benefit, so it's worth checking that out.

[uninspired]

Current guidance is to have baby in with you for 6 months, you could do that even longer until you are back at work and able to afford your own place.

TBH if there are 2 soon to be 3 of you taking over your Mums house I can well imagine, much as she loves you being there, that she quite likes having rooms to herself - her own space as it were.

[trailsongs]

Oh dear, I guess IABU...Thanks for all your comments - it helps to see things from other perspectives

Note to self - don't post on AIBU when you're red faced and blubbery - the answer's bound to be yes!

As for the living arrangement, it came about because it initially seemed to make sense for both of us. I've been studying this past year, so have not been able to save much from working p/t. My mum's 65 and wants to retire but would struggle to get by just on her state pension, so the idea was that us paying rent would help her out a bit, and would be a more manageable amount for us than private renting. Also, since I've been back here there's been several incidents (including a bad fall needing a trip to A&E) where I felt like I wanted to be here because there isn't anybody else around to take care of her.

We normally have a good relationship but it has just soured badly over the past few months. Maybe it was naive but I honestly thought it'd be nice happy families, and we'd all look out for each other. I guess if I want that to happen I need to be more tolerant and respectful, and if not we better have a 6 month plan to get out!

[fedupofnamechanging]

I don't think you are being entirely U. If you are helping your mother out as much as she is helping you, then it is not unreasonable to expect her to do what she offered (clear spare room).

That said, it isn't really working out and that's something neither of you could have predicted without trying it out, so I do think it would be better to move out. Even if you rent a one bedroom flat, at least it would be how you want it.

[PurpleRayne]

Baby's best in your room anyway for first 6 months, so you have a breathing space to get your own space sorted........