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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to love staying at home with my kids but to hate being a SAHM

52 replies

generallyspeaking · 18/07/2011 12:47

OK, first things first:

I LOVE being with my kids. I love that I am able to spend each and every day with them. I love the way we are a little unit, that I know them (and them me) so damn well. I love our days out, our pyjama days, our garden days. I love that I don't have to worry about getting to work, and childcare, and sickness and office politics.

BUT.....

I flipping hate being a SAHM. I hate that I have to account for every flipping penny I spend, that I'm 'told' that I've been swanning about at the zoo, when HE has had a 'hard' day in the office. THat HE needs a good nights sleep, whereas I have 'nothing' to do tomorrow so can get up with the kids. That HE needs to have 'his' time at weekends (so I go out with the kids on my own... which I suck up as I'd rather have a nice day out with the kids than a sulky one spent with DH)

I hate the fact that he feels he can organise his time (weeks and weekends) without ever considering childcare whereas I can count on one hand the nights I've left my 2 toddlers. See - just then... I referred to them as MINE.

I said last night that he simply could not do what I do, which just lead to an impasse (the old: Well, you couldn't do what I do cliche... except... I readily admit that I couldn't do what he does. I don't expect him to do any housework or childcare in an average week. He has no 'jobs' (I even have to do the bins and recycling) at home. Yet, he makes me feel like I'm just taking the piss and do nothing but drink tea all day.

GRRRR...

OP posts:
ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 18/07/2011 15:10

YABU to blame this on you being a SAHM - blame it on your partner's attitude. You love being a SAHM, you've already said as much - but your partner is being a dick about it.

Mine tries this every so often - then I leave him with DS for a few hours. Sometimes it works and sometimes DS is perfectly easy and well-behaved so it doesn't really impact on DH .

I'd lke to say ignore your ignorant MCP partner but it's quite hard to do that - consider kicking him into touch instead; if you're already pretty much a single parent, why not go the whole hog and get rid of the judgemental arse?

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 18/07/2011 15:13

There's that lovely story on here somewhere about a man who comes home one day to an absolute tip, filthy kids, food and mess everywhere - he thinks something bad has happened so runs around searching for his wife - finds her sitting reading with a cup of tea and shrieks "what the hell happened here??"
And she says "Well, you know you ask me what I do all day? today, I didn't do it". Try that.

Caz10 · 18/07/2011 15:20

I love that little story too, if anyone finds it could they link it? Thanks!

thursday · 18/07/2011 15:28

the problem is your husband, not the SAHM bit. this wouldnt be solved by you being a working parent, you'd just have to do everything plus a job. it would be solved with a new attitude from DH. i'd hate it too if i was treated like that. i think i have the easier life, definitely, being home with the children all day. but i still need a break, i still have awful days and i wouldn't take being told i do nothing all day, even when i've done nothing all day!

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 18/07/2011 15:30

Full story:
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife?s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the house, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bath room door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, ?What happened here today??

She again smiled and answered, ?You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today??

?Yes,? was his incredulous reply.

She answered, ?Well, today I didn?t do it.?

this is one source but not the original

diddl · 18/07/2011 16:00

I don´t know why, but that story pisses me off!

What is it supposed to "prove"?

That if you don´t supervise the children there´ll be chaos?

forehead · 18/07/2011 16:15

Sorry OP, but you chose to marry your dh. Before you got married and had kids you should have discussed these issues , division of labour etc. The dh of a close friend of mine refuses to help her with the household chores , i feel little sympathy for her, because before they were married, she was aware of the fact that her future husband was like this.

tulpe · 18/07/2011 16:31

Yes, your DH needs to review his attitude towards you but I agree with forehead that you enable this behaviour.

The DH of a once-close friend of mine takes the piss royally on every level. The evenings and weekends are "his" time because he "works so hard". She works herself to the bone looking after DCs (eldest DC is particularly high maintenance) and home. She is either spouting the empty threat of packing her/his bag or excusing his previously abhorrent behaviour (as defined by her say the day before) as "well, bless him, he's had a hard week".........

YANBU to feel this way OP but you do need to properly address the issue head-on. And if there is still no move to compromise then you need to make a decision to either continue enabling his attitude or to move on.

fgaaagh · 18/07/2011 16:44

it is much easier going to work than being a SAHM.

I don't think sweeping statements like this are particularly helpful.

diddl, that story pisses me off too. SAHM = martyr is massively overdone in some cases.

Personally I enjoyed my time off as a SAHM. I found it hardest working part time. Much easier not working at all or working fulltime IMHO. But that's because it's my situaton, with my husband, and his attitude towards our roles.

The OP doesn't have a problem with being a SAHM, I agree with the other posters - she just doesn't like how she's being treated by her DH, and it seems like she INBU really.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/07/2011 16:58

it is much easier going to work than being a SAHM

Rather depends on the job and the children, I'd have thought.

I am a SAHM. My husbands wage goes into our joint account and after bills if there's any left I spend it we share it.

Pink, I wanted to cry when I read your post. Why do you stay with such a prick? Honestly, you deserve so much better than you are getting.

The way I view it is this. It is my responsibility to look after our DC while my DH is at work. When he comes home he is as responsible for them as I am, because they are our children, not just mine. Of course I do more housework, as I am here all day, but at weekends DH pulls his weight. I used to run around a lot after him, out of habit because I am used to running around after the DC, but I have pulled back from that because the only result is that you end up with a man who takes you for granted and doesn't appreciate you. People don't appreciate what they get too easily.

You need to stop pandering to this shit, or you might as well be a single parent.

pinkthechaffinch · 18/07/2011 17:10

That story's in the same genre as the one about SN being like getting on a plane to Venice and actually ending up in Denmark.

I wonder who writes them.

pinkthechaffinch · 18/07/2011 17:12

pink4ever-I'm a SAHM and I get child tax credit and child benefit paid into my account, I do most of the food shopping, and dh pays for rent and bills.

It works for us, maybe you could suggest that to your dh if you get CTC of course.

KD0706 · 18/07/2011 17:15

Is there something up with the site? I just typed a huge reply and the computer ate it!!

Concise version of my longer post - I too have DH with dick ish tendencies. Not about money but just generally zero help with DD. I tend to give him a periodical bollocking which sorts him out for a few months then he veers back to being an arse and I need to chew him out again. He's due another wake up call soon.

It's a pita but I want to be a SAHM and if we separated I'd have to work

BertieBotts · 18/07/2011 17:15

WTF? Why is it OP's fault if her husband is an arse? Hmm

fedupofnamechanging · 18/07/2011 17:20

Perhaps all you women having to ask for money, could work out the cost of full time childcare, then get your partners to pay half of it directly to you as your own money. Am presuming that the decision for you to be a SAHM was something you both wanted for your children. Point out that if you were working full time, it would be at the expense of being able to do what you both believed to be in the best interests of your family and that child care would cost a shit load more. Also your husbands would be unable to travel for work/stay late for meetings etc as the DC would need picking up from nursery. Oh, and when they get home they would be 50% responsible for looking after the DC, cooking, housework. If they are not keen on that arrangement, then they need to stop keeping you short of money.

KD0706 · 18/07/2011 17:21

Also on the SAHM vs WOHM issue. I think it totally depends on your circumstances.
If I'd gone back to work full time we could have afforded a nanny and a cleaner, so I think my life would have been easier than that of other WOHMs who would need to do drop offs and pick ups, make meals to send with DCs to nursery, clean the house etc.

There are too many variables to make such sweeping statements

Scheherezadea · 18/07/2011 17:29

Can you go away on holiday for a week - rent a little cottage somewwhere? Arrange for kids to be at childminder/nursery in the day, leave him to sort everything out and realise what goes on!

SouthGoingZax · 18/07/2011 17:34

I go to work and DH is SAHD

Work is hard (I am a secondary teacher) and looking after 2 2year olds is hard too.

DH does recycling, bins, compost, dog walking and feeding and mowing.
I do dinner, baths, getting the boys ready in the am.

We both shop, do doctor's appts, clean and bills etc.

You need a better balance, I think. DH and I both try to give each other a break at the weekend.

pink4ever · 18/07/2011 18:22

pink-no we do not get ctc. The cb is paid directly into my account and I use it for school dinners/playgroup,kids clothes/shoes and little treats(softplay or the occasional mcds). I also have to buy my own personal items from it-toiletries etc. My dh does not see a problem with me having no access to his money as he pays all the bills anyway.
I know I sound like a complete doormat but am really not! its just this situation has gone on for so long now,cant see any way to change it.

fedupofnamechanging · 18/07/2011 18:29

The way to change it is to tell your dh that you are really not happy with the way things stand at present. Just because you have done things a certain way for a long time doesn't mean that they are set in stone and must continue that way forever. Tell him that the CB is for the children and does he really think that you should have no access to money of your own. If you were working FT, he would be spending a whopping great chunk of money on childcare (even if only paying half the bill, with you paying the other half) and the bills would still need to be paid. He could give you half the cost of the care and still enjoy the benefits of his dc being looked after by their mum and not having to rush home from work and collect kids/do half the housework and cooking.

Alternatively, he could pay his whole wage into a joint account, you get the CB paid in too, pay the bills and split equally what is left. That is a fair approach.

Looking after DC is a full time commitment and doesn't give you much opportunity to earn money. If he really cannot see the inequality of you having no money, then he is an arse and you are in the position of either choosing to live like this forever or getting out. I couldn't live like this.

tulpe · 18/07/2011 18:30

his money. You see, I have a major issue with that.

DH is able to go to work and work the long hours that he does because I am at home. He is able to work late at a minute's notice/travel for work/start work an hour or two earlier than contracted to because he has me to rely on (all of which happen regularly). He never has to tell his boss he can't come in because DCs are ill etc. We work as a team in order to provide the best for our children and us and therefore his income is considered our money.

tulpe · 18/07/2011 18:33

pink4ever - I didn't mean to imply you are a doormat in my earlier post. I simply meant that you appear to be feeling controlled and passive in the relationship because DH will do whatever he chooses. I am just trying to encourage you to begin to believe that you do have choices and that you can be proactive in either shaping your relationship into the marriage you want it to be or, sadly, moving on without him.

tulpe · 18/07/2011 18:35

I also think that my post about money sounds martyr-ish on re-reading. I should have added that also, of course, I have the option of staying at home because my DH does work so hard.

DrCoconut · 18/07/2011 18:37

It is much much harder going to work than being at home with children IMO (unless there are SN involved which is a different thing altogether). I have been a SAHM and WOHM and know which I prefer! Both tasks are time consuming but being with the children and able to plan your own schedule is fun rather than the drudgery of work. I am dreading having to go back to work when DS2 is 6 months. However, the fact that going to work is hard and demanding in a way that SAH is not doesn't make it more important than looking after the children. It shouldn't be a competition, rather two complementary roles. It sounds like it is his attitude rather than actually being at home that is proving difficult to cope with. Does he find work tedious and is actually jealous of you? I moan about my DH, most women probably do that, but he will muck in when asked (it's the lack of initiative that can grind) and doesn't fuss about money or what I'm doing. I like the idea of him taking care of the house and kids so he can see what you do all day :)

thursday · 18/07/2011 18:39

completely agree tulpe it's a team effort, this happens to be the way that gives us the most (if still hardly any) money. it's not his money, it's ours. someone was lecturing me on telling me all about how its best to have separate money and mine and his style arrangements recently, for independence. then she lost her job and her OH is still quite keen on it all being his money and her having none, rather than considering their household income to have gone down. going to be interesting when they sprog.