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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to love staying at home with my kids but to hate being a SAHM

52 replies

generallyspeaking · 18/07/2011 12:47

OK, first things first:

I LOVE being with my kids. I love that I am able to spend each and every day with them. I love the way we are a little unit, that I know them (and them me) so damn well. I love our days out, our pyjama days, our garden days. I love that I don't have to worry about getting to work, and childcare, and sickness and office politics.

BUT.....

I flipping hate being a SAHM. I hate that I have to account for every flipping penny I spend, that I'm 'told' that I've been swanning about at the zoo, when HE has had a 'hard' day in the office. THat HE needs a good nights sleep, whereas I have 'nothing' to do tomorrow so can get up with the kids. That HE needs to have 'his' time at weekends (so I go out with the kids on my own... which I suck up as I'd rather have a nice day out with the kids than a sulky one spent with DH)

I hate the fact that he feels he can organise his time (weeks and weekends) without ever considering childcare whereas I can count on one hand the nights I've left my 2 toddlers. See - just then... I referred to them as MINE.

I said last night that he simply could not do what I do, which just lead to an impasse (the old: Well, you couldn't do what I do cliche... except... I readily admit that I couldn't do what he does. I don't expect him to do any housework or childcare in an average week. He has no 'jobs' (I even have to do the bins and recycling) at home. Yet, he makes me feel like I'm just taking the piss and do nothing but drink tea all day.

GRRRR...

OP posts:
diddl · 18/07/2011 12:51

Well it sounds as if you don´t hate being a SAHM, but your husband´s attitude to it.

justaboutWILLfinishherthesis · 18/07/2011 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Popbiscuit · 18/07/2011 12:55

Yup. Your husband needs an attitude adjustment.

brownleatherbrogues · 18/07/2011 12:57

you have bigger problems than being a sahm tbh :)

ShushBaby · 18/07/2011 12:57

Agree with posters above. You sound like a great SAHM but your husband is being selfish. He may not be a prick, he just may not understand what you do/it is like.

I'd heartily recommend you go away one weekend for a nice break. After a couple of days in your shoes, you may find his perspective changes.

vickibee · 18/07/2011 13:01

it is much easier going to work than being a SAHM.
I wish I could spend more time t home with my DS. He is four and starts school soon so I work school hours but miss him loads when at work and think about him all the time.
When I was a SAHM DH would come home and ask what have you been doing all day? It was meant to be a joke but it still felt like a dig. Swap roles for a week and see how he gets on

BuxomWenchOnAPony · 18/07/2011 13:01

This is the second time I've suggested this today, but go away for a few days. Leave him in charge of household/childcare duties and be sure to include lists of the things you would usually do in a day so that he doesn't just go to the park or do the washing up etc.

My dh genuinely didn't seem to appreciate what goes into running a household and looking after small children until I had to go away on a course for two nights - he soon got the idea though and is consequently more sensible about his attitude to what constitutes 'work'. He previously thought that as my job involves actually going out to work two days a week, the other hours worked from home, that I had an easy life with two under-5s and no help around the house!

Bluegrass · 18/07/2011 13:12

It is great that you love doing your job, but does be also love doing his? If you loathe going into the office everyday, not being in control of your own time, dealing with fuckweazles who don't appreciate you it is easy to feel resentful of anyone who feels happy and fulfilled with their days. Part of you can feel that it isn't fair that they aren't also miserable, and you dismiss what they do because surely real "work" can't leave you happy! If that is part of the reason perhaps he needs to find something he enjoys doing, and his life won't seem such a poorcontrast to your apparently happy days.

rainbowtoenails · 18/07/2011 13:19

You would be much better off as a single mum. Then maybe you could meet someone who respects you and treats you as a human being of equal value. I take it you are doing his cooking and cleaning? STOP!
What did he do when you were both working? Why is he pretending its the 1950s?

WowOoo · 18/07/2011 13:29

As soon as dh steps through the door back from work he knows he'll help wiht the children and do whatever housework needs doing and he doesn't complain too much about it.

Why does your dh have this attitude?
You should go on strike for a while. Leave his dirty plates. Let him make his own food, wash and iron his own clothes, change his bed etc etc

Just remind him that you're doing one of the most important jobs there is.

NestaFiesta · 18/07/2011 13:41

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP.

Here is a story of hope. My DH is currently off on (fairly) long term sick leave.

From the sofa he has been able to see just how hard I work. I am up before him with the kids, sort the breakfast out, unload the dishwasher, get the DS off to school, play with little DS2, sort naps and milk out, do lunch, clean up after lunch, sweep floors, tidy up, do admin and post office stuff, get DS up and feed him, set off to fetch DS2 from school, come home , make tea, bath kids, do bedtime.

From DH's position of stillness on the sofa (to be fair he is ill), he can see that I don't stop. I have made my point without saying a word. He has a new respect for me.

I don't know how this can solve your problem, but maybe your DH needs a bout of illness so he can witness your exhausting day for himself! I wish you the very best of everything. I know what you go through each day.

PS put arsenic in his tea, just a tiny bit. enough to get him on the sofa for a few days.
PPS (I am joking, I am not advocating poisoning husbands)

halcyondays · 18/07/2011 14:30

Well if he thinks everything you do is just swanning about having fun and not real work, then there's no reason why he shouldn't do his share when he's at home, is there?

I'm a SAHM and I don't have to account for every penny, dh often gets ups first at weekends while I have a lie in and when's he at home we share looking after the kids and go out as a family at the weekends. He also helps with housework.

It's sad he doesn't even want to spend time with his children.

MrsVidic · 18/07/2011 14:45

Its a difficult one- he probably wishes he could spend more time with your DC's and needs time to switch off. If you want your own money you could get an allowence? Part of sharing money is both being accountable though.

I dont think he realises exactly what you do- then I dont think you appreciate exactly what he does either. The financial responsability of the household on his shoulders.

I think you need to communicate more and maybe explain exactly what you do- maybe as others have suggested have a break? Let him experience it first hand?

My DP does 50% of the house work and I work 2.5 days a week- and he looks after dd on the half day. This has always given him an appreciation for what I do.

brownleatherbrogues · 18/07/2011 14:48

it is much easier going to work than being a SAHM.

no way, like someone said earlier this week, staying at home with kids is a piece of piss :)

done all variations, and deffo staying at home with kids is by far the easiest

Tollund · 18/07/2011 14:51

I'm with everyone up there - he clearly is clueless.

AppleHEAD · 18/07/2011 14:51

Your DH sounds like a tosser. I would take some time out so he can experience what it's like. He needs a good kick.
I hate being a SAHM but I do know my OT understands and appreciates what I do.

CurrySpice · 18/07/2011 14:53

It always ends up in a "which is hardest" ruck Hmm

COCKadoodledooo · 18/07/2011 14:55

Your 2nd and 3rd paragraphs of your OP are NOT what being a sahm is about!!

I love the 'm' part of being a sahm, but hate the domestic drudgery that goes with. That's all about attitude though. I assume that because I'm the one at home and dh is out at work that it's down to me to do the housework - dh has never said/thought this (as far as I'm aware). I think the thing is I do sort stuff out, but mainly because otherwise I'm the one who has to look at it!

pink4ever · 18/07/2011 14:56

You have my utmost sympathy op as I am in a very similiar situation. Love being a sahm but hate being made to feel like a scrounger. My dh works long hours(mon-fri) in a very stressful job. I am a sahm to our 3 dcs. I have no help whatsoever-estranged from my mum and my inlaws are not the babysitting type!.
My dh has zero respect for the job I do at home. Like yours he thinks that I sit about all day reading magazines.When he comes home he has his dinner and goes to bed becuse he's tired. When I point out that I am also tired he does a Shock face!.
Things have got a little better at weekends as his play station has been broken for a few months so he has to spend time with the kids and myself! Also I now make him give the dcs there bath and get them ready on a sunday as we have to go to his parents for dinner(yes every sunday!).
By far and away the worst part of my situation are finances. We have seperate bank accounts and the only money I get is the cb. Dh thinks that because he pays all bills/food that I dont deserve any of "his" money. If I run out of cb before the end of the month I have to ask him for money and tell him what I want it for!(and I get given £10!).
Sorry for hijack but you are not alone!.

robingood19 · 18/07/2011 14:59

on these thread I bring greer in. Germaine said to Tony B "you should pay housewives." Tone just smiled. I should I can see what Germaine was thinking of.

manicinsomniac · 18/07/2011 15:03

To be honest the way you describe your life in your first paragraph does sound rather idyllic. I'm sure that's not the whole story but if that is the perception you are giving you husband of how your days are then I'd be fairly resentful too. If you get regular 'pyjama days and garden days' then of course he needs a good night's sleep more than you do!

I have no idea how hard you do or do not work and am not making any judgements on it. Just saying that your own words suggest that your days are fairly easy and you might want to check just what your husband's impression of what you do at home actually is.

Also, people who are saying she'd be better off as a single mum - honestly? As a single mum myself I'd seriously question this - for a start she'd have to go out and work full time and, as she loves being a SAHM, that would be an immediate downside.

robingood19 · 18/07/2011 15:06

give your kids the first 4 years mum

AppleHEAD · 18/07/2011 15:06

Had to post again. It is so rotten that women are in this position. I do think on one hand the men are shooting themselves in the foot because they miss out on those close relationships with their kids. The other thing is that as your kids get older and you have more time you become more independent. You can do what you like, get a job or go back to work. You are then in a position where your DH has made himself out of use. If his only role is to provide money then he is now surplus to requirement. in fact he might as well leave.
When I win the Euro Millions I will give you all some so you can tell these men to get stuffed

waterrat · 18/07/2011 15:06

Surely the problem here is that your partner is not treating you with love and respect. Somebody said 'he obviously wants more time with the kids' - yet he isn't interested in family days out at the weekend?

You should both have the same amount of free time - and at weekends it should hopefully be clear that you should both get to rest/ enjoy time to yourself as well as family time. You are both working hard in the week and both your input to the family should be valued.

This argument is not about the poor old husband who has to work so hard - it's about love, mutual understanding and communication. If you dont feel your husband respects what you do - or that he cares about your feelings enough to sit down and talk openly if he would rather things were organised differently - then you have to ask, does he value you enough? As a partner/ friend/ wife/ mother.

A partnership should be about making decisions together - it simply sounds as though he is not caring, not kind and not interested in family life. SO - I think there are bigger more underlying issues here than simply your different roles.

Pink4ever, every time you post I feel so sad - I hope that you will eventually get the self belief and support to seek out a life where you can live with full respect for who you are and what you do.

waterrat · 18/07/2011 15:08

and..seriously - people who talk about an 'idyllic' life - isn't that completely missing the point? Should a mother be looked down on because she enjoys looking after her kids? They are both parents to these children - why on earth does the fact that she is enjoying her day to day life mean that he should be scornful of her? for gods sake people - this is about a loving partnership - where one parent is able to care for the children that is in the whole families interests.

Being a good stay at home mum doesn't mean you have one over on your hard working partner! surely he should be delighted ? And how is that related to him being sulky and miserable and avoiding family time?

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