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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let my children playout after what happened

50 replies

gillhugh86 · 18/07/2011 11:08

Hi im new to this site and just looking for some advice.
Yesterday my daughter who is 8 was sat on the doorstep with her friend just chatting at about 4 in the afternoon.when she came running in to tell me that a man had shown her his 'widge' and was playing with it at this time her dad ran out of the house and chased the man but unfortunatly didnt catch him as the man had a van parked around the corner, obviously we called police who have been fantastic with us. The man not only exposed himself but my daughter said he had walked up and down the road seveal times and was staring at them before he decided to expose himself, he not only exposed himself he masturbated whilst staring at the 2 girls.
and with him having a van parked around the corner it terrifies me , as it is one of those things that doesnt happen to you but have now realised it can happen so easily and can happen to anyone.
I have reassured her and after lots of cuddles and a sleepless night she seems back to her chatty self.

My problem now is i dont want to allow her to playout with her friends, im already strict on how far she is allowed to go and now after this has happened on our own doorstep am i being unreasonable to want her to stay in. I dont want it to be punishing her for what this man has done but im at a loss of what to do .

Any advice will be appreciated and i apologise if ive posted in the wrong area xx

OP posts:

pingu2209 · 18/07/2011 11:12

Oh My God! I was flashed at when I was about 10 on my way to guides. My mother called the police, who told my mother that a flasher is the first step, the second is to masterbate whilst flashing, the third is to rape. The perverts build up to rape.

You are NOT being unreasonable. You must call the police. In fact, I would tell local schools in the area - give them a call and let them know. They may issue letters in the book bags or something.

You shouldn't let your dd out again. Tell as many people in the area as possible. Seriously, tell everyone... warn them.

This man has clearly discovered an area where there are children unprotected. He will be back. A person can not change their sexual preferences, and clearly he can't control them.

lesley33 · 18/07/2011 11:17

I understand it, but I think YABU. If you don't allow her out because of this incident, it just reinforces the message that being outside is scary. I would be worried that you are at risk of making what happened into a very big deal for her and that this could cause her to be very anxious.

She was sitting on your doorstep, so she wasn't in a quiet place that might be reasonable to tell her not to go to again. Most men who expose themselves never go any further. The van will have been there for a quick get away, rather than anything more sinister.

You could do something practical to make her and you feel safer e.g. buy her a rape alarm and show her how to use it - although don't call it a rape alarm when talking to her. Also talk to the neighbours or even put up posters in the streets round about telling people what happened and ask them to keep a close look out.

I think your daughter has just been very unlucky.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 18/07/2011 11:19

pingu, read the OP - she DID call the police!!

BuxomWenchOnAPony · 18/07/2011 11:19

God, how awful for dd and you. Such a frightening thing to happen, and it is entirely natural that you want to keep her inside forever. But realistically, how long do you go on not letting her out? What if he isn't identified? I think there is a danger of the threat of this unknown man building up to be a real source of fear for yourself and your dd.

Perhaps take her and friends on a few trips out over the next few weeks, rent some films and get in popcorn, organise activities in the garden - stuff that keeps her close and safe, but not feeling like she has done something wrong?

What did the police advise?

AMumInScotland · 18/07/2011 11:20

I think I would leave it to the police to decide how to appraoch the local schools, but I'd certainly make sure the nearby parents are aware of what has happened.

Is there an option for them to play in the back garden instead of out on the street for a while?

I can understand why you're alarmed, but I'm not sure if keeping her in all summer is fair on her either. Could you have a word with her about what she could do another time? If she shouted and made a fuss he'd be unlikely to carry on. She could potentially see a flasher anywhere, so having the confidence to make a fuss and draw attention to the flasher might have advantages over just avoiding anywhere they could potentially be (which is so many places!)

Original poster

gillhugh86 · 18/07/2011 11:20

Hi thanks for the reply , I have spoke to the police they came out straight away and was great with us they tookfull statements from my daughter and her friend. I have also spoken to the headteacher at her school and i told everyone on my facebook which has alot of mums from this area on.

There are so many children that live in tthis area and with summer holidays fast approaching its going to be increasingly difficult for me to keep her in without it looking like i am punishing her . I just hope this rain keeps going in manchester to be honest.
The police told me the same thing about the stages and it looks like this man is getting braver as it was middle of the afternoon and was fully exposed.

OP posts:

TeeBee · 18/07/2011 11:23

She sounds like a sensible girl - she did the right thing by telling you what was happening. She has managed to keep herself safe. I would be wary of keeping her in in case she doesn't instantly tell again for fear she gets kept in.

I would reassure her she did the right thing, and reinforce with some extra talks about stranger danger. Then I would be keeping a very close eye out for pervs. Can you watch from a window if she is sitting on the doorstep?

Original poster

gillhugh86 · 18/07/2011 11:24

yeah i am going to be going though some safety and stranger danger things again with her later and to be honest i know i cant keep her locked up , the world is such a dangerous plae and teaching her how to be safe will be of better advantage to her than locking her up but if i had my way she wouldnt leave my side ever again :(

OP posts:

Original poster

gillhugh86 · 18/07/2011 11:25

yeah i can watch and will be at all times from now on, at the time i was distracted by tidying up and never thought there was anything to worry about as she was just sat on the doorstep x

OP posts:

WowOoo · 18/07/2011 11:28

They need to go out but always with an adult chaperone.

Could you take turns with other mums and dads?
i'd take a phone with a camera with me to get evidence if you see him again.

Happened to me when I was just a bit older than your dd. He wasn't seen in area again. My dad insisted on coming out with us and just being near by ish for that summer holiday.

lesley33 · 18/07/2011 11:48

It is a good point that if she feels she is being punished, she may not tell you again if something happens in the future.

pingu2209 · 18/07/2011 11:49

Lesley33 - sadly your comment re most men who expose themselves never go any further is not true. I especially think this man is dangerous because he wasn't 'just' exposing himself, he was masterbating at the same time. The police accept that men who rape (strangers/children) start off with flashing, and then masterbating whilst flashing.

I do think keeping a child in at that age is really sad. The risk of these things happening is low normally. However, at the moment I would say the risk is not low. I would not take the risk at the moment because of what has happened.

DragonAlley · 18/07/2011 11:53

Have you made it clear to her that you are proud with how she handled it and that she did absolutely the right thing?

Sidge · 18/07/2011 11:56

I wouldn't keep her indoors all holidays, but I would tell her she can only go out to play in groups of say 3 or more, and within a certain radius of home.

Reinforce the stranger-danger message and talk about scenarios (without scaring her) of not going with anyone, not going near vehicles to talk to people you don't know, not accepting gifts/sweets/offers to stroke kittens etc.

I'm not one for paranoia and paedo-hunting but if there has been a confirmed sex offence in the area it is good to be a little cautious. If all the locals know about the incidence and keep a collective eye out that will reduce risk as well. I don't think it's automatic that flashers progress to rape but anything that minimises risk is beneficial.

LoveMyGirls · 18/07/2011 11:58

I was flashed at on my paper round I'd have been 13 at the time, my mum made me quit my paper round, the police were informed and I was a lot more wary when I was out and about. My advice is to talk to your child in terms she can understand, don't go into too much detail but reassure her she did all the right things, buy her an alarm for if it ever happens again and mention it's situations ike this that are the reason why you have to be strict about her where abouts.

ddubsgirl · 18/07/2011 11:59

may have a chat to your friends parents and have a turn in play dates where you take turns in having the kids round but out the back and that an adult is with them should they want to go to the shop etc?

ddubsgirl · 18/07/2011 11:59

opps your daughters friends parents!

GypsyMoth · 18/07/2011 12:02

Offenders do go on to bigger crimes. This happened tears ago when I was a police officer. I seem to mention it a lot, I'm aware if that! But it was something the family if the young victim wanted recognition for, and indeed, the courts did. Colin hatch was a known low level sex offender. He murdered a little boy on our beat after we had been told he was on bail for other offences, but we could only watch and wait. When we found the boys body we knew instantly who had done it. He had indeed progressed from less serious crimes against children, to murder. We knew this back in the early 90's.

GypsyMoth · 18/07/2011 12:04

This case and all I saw that day ( one of first on scene)has stayed in my head for years, but a while ago a mumsnetter sent me the link, and Colin hatch was murdered in prison earlier this year. helps a little to know that!

ghosteditor · 18/07/2011 12:22

OP that sounds awful. It sounds like your daughter is coping well.

I'm not an expert by any means but for what it's worth I think it would be great if you could talk to your daughter lots (as you have been doing) and try to empower her as much as possible. Even explaining that running away is a good safe option, and that it's not good to talk to the person in any way. Have you asked her if there is anything she'd like you and her father to do to help her to feel safe?

If she has a phone, she can carry it when she's out, and explain to her that she can call the police immediately if it happens again. And if she sees anything suspicious again then she and her friends can yell as loudly as possible for help. There will be safety in numbers so the more kids who are out playing, the better. Having said that, I'm sure nearby parents will want to know so maybe you could arrange for all the kids to play in different gardens for a while?

Your daughter is obviously very young and only you can decide what's best, but maybe you could take her along to some self-defense classes which will make her feel more confident about her own control in such horrible situations. Men like this get a kick out of shock and alarm and it makes them feel powerful. Wherever possible, we should be teaching our kids how to handle themselves and feel like they have some measure of control, if only for their peace of mind.

PippiLongBottom · 18/07/2011 12:28

Gillhugh86 I have just PM'd you to ask what area of Manchester this happened in, just so I can be on my guard if neccessary.

OrdinaryJo · 18/07/2011 12:29

Can you do something with your gate or fence to make it hard for someone to get in? Like a lock or something that isn't immediately obvious for a stranger and is too high for DCs? Then they could be in the garden and you would know they couldn't stray and that if anyone unknown was trying to get in DD would then have extra time to come and get you?

My childhood back garden had a high fence and to open the lock you had to sort of winkle your fingers underneath a wee slot (not explaining this very well) but point is that if you didn't know how to open the gate you couldn't without help from the other side.

OrdinaryJo · 18/07/2011 12:30

Meant to also say sounds like your DD handled it brilliantly.

ragged · 18/07/2011 12:33

My instincts are to say YABU, but really have to go with police advice. You can't keep her in forever

Makeminealarge · 18/07/2011 12:34

He sounds as if he was an opportunist. He got caught then scampered. Chances are he would be too scared to go to the same spot, but that does not necessarily mean he wont.

If it was my daughter, i would be the exact same! YANBU. you're instincts as a mother wants to protect your children. however. being over zealous and protective could also have a counter negative effect. Id ensure strict guidelines to your DD, and make her aware of the danger of a stranger. but to be honest, she would probably already be aware that what this man did was very wrong. Dont make her a prisoner, but do ensure she is not too far away from a trusting adult.

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