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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to discipline dd for waking in the night ??

74 replies

Tillyscoutsmum · 18/07/2011 09:53

DD is 4.2 years. She slept through the night from about 12 months - no problems.

About 6-7 months ago, she started waking in the night. Sometimes its 4 or 5 times a night.

Initially, she called for us, we went in and asked what was wrong and she said nothing. More recently, she has given us "excuses" i.e. my duvet has fallen off (usually she has kicked it off) or she can't reach her drink (she could if she leant slightly out of bed).

We've tried talking to her about it. She's said that she's worried we've left her alone and she just wants to check we're there. We've tried to reassure her. We've tried reward charts with a treat for a certain number of nights sleeping through and they have worked periodically (so she can sleep through when she wants to) but they now seemed to have stopped working. We've given her night lights because she said it was too dark. We've left the door open because she decided she didn't want it closed any more. We're tried going in to give her a cuddle before we go to bed so she knows we haven't gone anywhere. We've tried everything.

She's exhausted and tired in the day and its affecting her behaviour. We're knackered (and its affecting our patience ). She starts school in September and I'm concerned she won't cope with a full day if she's so tired.

This morning, after waking us up 3 times in the night and then appearing in our bedroom at 5am ready to start the day, I told her if she doesn't stop waking us up we will start taking away treats/toys as a punishment.

AIBU ?

OP posts:

ChunkyMonkeyMother · 18/07/2011 13:33

I don't know if this has been said but once she starts school she will probably be too tired to wake during the night - I know this isnt the best of help right now but perhaps give her a good run round before bed, we did this with DS when he gets out of nursery (~Because they let him have a nap so he wont go to sleep until gone 10 o clock!) That usually helps, I see him as a little battery - you have to literally run them down to empty and then they will recharge during the night.

Do you have a gate on her door? My cousin's DD started to wake up and get into bed with her but she wouldn't go to sleep, everyone was knackered! They put a gate on her room, she would wake up, have a quick shout - get bored and go back to sleep, I know that sounds a bit harsh but it only took a week for her DD to realise that she was OK on her own in her own room. Its not something I could do personally but if your at your wits end then its something maybe you could consider?

Pelagia · 18/07/2011 13:44

My DD is a similar age and seems v confident about starting school - but at bedtime thats when the odd question will come out. She also frets about whether the chain is on the front door. If she wakes in the night she gets reassurance. However if she woke in the night up to 5 times, for months on end I don't know how reassuring I'd feel then! You have my sympathies.

robingood19 · 18/07/2011 14:18

3 littlepgs. I agree with you. some people expect too much too early

robingood19 · 18/07/2011 14:18

I hope its not the chinese influence

fluffyanimal · 18/07/2011 14:26

Haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to add that my ds went through exactly this in the summer preceding his starting primary school. Now he is fine.

Ambergambler · 18/07/2011 14:27

I sympathise. DS is only 17 months, but has kept us up pretty much every night for the last 8 months. Not sure what I can do to keep my sanity!
Anyway, back to the point, when my eldest was about 3 and a half, we went out together and he chose a Thomas the Tank Engine Alarm Clock. We then had a talk about how he stayed in his bed until the alarm went off. It worked really well, started the alarm early and gradually moved it to a civilised time. Maybe something along these lines might help?

allhailtheaubergine · 18/07/2011 14:38

If my 4 yr old was waking in the night and feeling insecure about whether or not I was still there, I would use some sort of a signal to reassure her that I was.

A hall light is the first thing to spring to mind. "This is your special light so that you know for sure that Mummy is definitely still there and snoozing happily in her bedroom. If you wake up and you're not sure you'll be able to see the light is on, and you'll know that I have no gone anywhere" + lashings and lashings of reassurance that I would NEVER leave her in the night time, and all sorts of reasons why that could NEVER happen, emphasising the point that I wouldn't want to leave her anyway, so it's not even an option.

I would also talk her through (almost role-play) the part where she snuggles back down, head on her pillow, duvet wrapped around her, cuddling her favourite toy, closes her eyes and happily goes back to sleep again. I would be prepared to go through the settling back down role-play a few times.

I might also deputise a stuffed animal to be in charge while I'm asleep.

robingood19 · 18/07/2011 14:46

I like the stuffrd animal idea; as long as it does not take over

mummyosaurus · 18/07/2011 15:05

I love powered's sleeping bag idea and I am going to nick that if this ever becomes an issue in my house.

Good luck getting your DD to sleep through.

GothAnneGeddes · 18/07/2011 15:11

I'm taking notes here.

Allhail - that sounds like the sort of thing my Mum would've done

33goingon64 · 18/07/2011 15:45

Sounds possibly like she is not getting tired enough during the day e.g. From fresh air and exercise, not from a bad nights sleep. Also, I used to wake up a lot in the night having had disturbing dreams and would knock on my wall which was adjacent to my parents' room and my mum would knock back to let me know she was there. That was enough for me to know I wasn't alone in the world and would go back to sleep. My mum also swears by milk and a biscuit before bed to stave off midnight hunger pangs.

BlueFergie · 18/07/2011 16:02

If she really just wants to know you are there can't you just tell her to come in and look at you and then go back to bed? I think the sleeping bag is a good idea but if you don't have the space this may work better.

Original poster

Tillyscoutsmum · 18/07/2011 16:48

Thanks everyone. Some great ideas . She has a comforter which she's had since she was a baby and knows he is there to "love after her" during the night. The hall light is also on. She is also on the go all day. Pre-school all morning and then either park, softplay or lots of trampoline bouncing in the afternoon. She's rarely still and is begging to go to bed at 6pm !

The more I think about it, the more I think she just wants to make sure we are still there. She doesn't take much settling when she does wake. She's happy to just go to sleep without any real input from us. I'm almost tempted to put a monitor in our room so she can hear DH snoring all night

OP posts:

Ealingkate · 18/07/2011 18:56

The having a drink thing was just a reason for her to come down to our room, it became a habit, which wasn't good for any of us, pfenergan is used for travel sickness and as a sleeping aid. If there was an underlying issue then 3 nights would not have made any difference and obviously we would have picked up on that.

Othersideofthechannel · 18/07/2011 19:09

at the snore monitor

Am I the only one who encourages their kids to call out if they need help or comfort in the night. I would prefer to go to them rather than have them wander into our room. But then everyone except me is a heavy sleeper so I know the calling isn't going to wake anyone else up!

foreverondiet · 18/07/2011 19:23

I wouldn't punish but I would be quite strict, and explain that her behavior is making her too tired and you both too cross. I'd clip the duvet to the bed if duvet on the floor is a common problem, and say that it was naughty to wake you up for no reason.

northernrock · 18/07/2011 20:38

I can sympathise, as it is totally knackering to be woken many times a night. I also have got cross on occasion when this phase presents itself.
It's really hard to be an angelic parent when you are exhausted and have to work the next day, and those posters berating you for being unreasonable are really being unfair imo.
My theory is: Lots and lots of attention during the day, as little as possible during the night. It is possible she feels she is not getting your attention during the day-I know that when I am busy/stressed/ pre-occupied my ds will start waking in the night with similar excuses.
You have to force yourself to do loads of playing and running about with them in the day, and that might help with the insecurity.
Also, Horlicks actually works wonders!

Good Luck, and don't beat yourself up about it-you are human.

ledkr · 18/07/2011 20:51

I had this with dd when she was a bit older about 6,she would call from about 8pm untill sometimes midnight,for a drink,my bed is messy,cant sleep,feel funny,hear a noise the list was endless,sometimes she would say um i wanted to ask you something but i forgot.grrrrr
I remember one thing that worked was "question time" after her story i asked her if she had any thing she needed to ask me cos once id gone downstairs i wouldnt be answering her.I stuck to it and it worked after a while tho she still had her moments.She stopped it as quickly as she had started it.

HermioneRocks · 18/07/2011 21:02

Just let her in your bed? Think you have unrealistic expectations of such a little girl

FreudianSlipper · 18/07/2011 21:18

why not just let her come in to your bed she will soon grow out of this

nothing wrong with children cuddling up to their parents at night, they are not going to want to be doing it when they are 16

HappyWanderer · 18/07/2011 21:22

My partner's 5 year-old has gone through similar phases. Some of her waking in the night was genuine anxiety - nightmares, fear of the dark - and there was nothing to do but go into her room, soothe her, tell her the witches aren't real and get her a night light. But otherwise, "head down, back to sleep now".

However, there have been other times when her whining/wailing (mostly whining) has been genuine attention-seeking ("Daddy come here now, I want a drink of water"). In these cases, there's nothing to do but tell her to do it herself and to go back to bed. If she wants water that badly, she is capable of getting it, no Mom required.

Usually, when my DSD is attention-seeking, she is whining and shouting for Daddy. The nightmares are more screaming and anyone will do - she just wants a cuddle.

That said, DSD is an only child and doesn't have the leverage of waking a sibling. The sleeping bag sounds like a neat trick to me, but if your DD is looking for attention instead, it may have limited effects. We've had to learn to be almost aloof when DSD seeks attention in negative ways.

HSMM · 18/07/2011 21:30

I agree with the people who suggested sleeping bags (for those with room). My DD had a duvet, folded in half on our floor (she called it a sandwich bed). Every so often we would wake up in the morning and there she was on the floor. Not often and she didn't wake us. Her preference would have been to get into the bed, but she was happy just to be in the room. She came in and went straight back to sleep.

Original poster

Tillyscoutsmum · 18/07/2011 22:01

northernrock - thank you for not making me feel like a monster . She probably does lack attention in the day time sometimes. DS is 18 months and is very hard work atm. I posted a thread a couple of days ago about how head strong he is and how everything is a battle with him. I do have to give him lots of attention and I know dd feels left out sometimes . Its all even more difficult because everyone is knackered and short tempered.

The suggestion of question time is good too. She does have a long bedtime - lots of stories/chatting etc. as it seems to be one of the rare occasions when I can give her one to one attention.

She's never been able to sleep in our bed. Even as a baby, as soon as she'd finished feeding she'd want to go back in her own bed. When she wakes really early, I try and get her to snuggle in bed with us but she can't sleep (or even lie quietly).

Thanks again to everyone. I think I (and probably DH even more so) do have too high expectations of her sometimes

OP posts:

spiderpig8 · 19/07/2011 17:54

'why not just let her come in to your bed she will soon grow out of this'

No she won't!! She'll be there til she's 10 or 12
This girl has shown she can sleep through when rewards are involved.She's taking you for a ride!

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