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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset at the way these "friends" have treated me.

62 replies

Purplegirlie · 17/07/2011 22:20

When my DD started school 2 years ago I made, and became close to, 3 other women with children in DD's year. We all live near each other and have had many nights out, lots of coffee afternoons after school and spent a lot of time together.

In the past couple of weeks, they've all more or less stopped speaking to me. One in particular, that I was closest to, seems to be the "ringleader". We were always commenting on each others' FB statuses and photos and texting a lot. She has stopped commenting on my FB and is replying like a loon to any mutual friends statuses when she didn't used to do that particularly, very gushing posts, and ignoring anything I put on. All 3 are writing on each others' walls "Thank you for being such a fantastic friend" and that sort of thing. It comes up on my newsfeed page.

I thought maybe I was being a bit oversensitive, but last week one morning I saw them all walking home from the school run, so I walked up to them and said hello and they could all barely bring themselves to speak to me. We got to my house and I went inside and barely got a goodbye from them. When I went out half an hour later in the car I saw them a few houses up from me standing together chatting and laughing. I then sent each of them a text saying "Have I done anything to upset you?" and from each I got a "No of course not Hunny" type reply. Several days later I saw one of the mums walking home from school and again I said hello and her daughter said "Lets go mummy, we don't like her"

Clearly there is something going on; I can't think of anything I've done wrong. I've often done favours for each of them and think I've been a good friend. I guess they just haven't ever outgrown the playground. I feel upset though as they were my friends and although I know other mums at the school I feel a bit lost. I feel like I've been a bad judge of character and am upset at having to start from scratch now everyone else already has their friend groups.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 17/07/2011 23:02

You will be a lot happier once you have nothing more to do with them, other than being civil when needs be.

Purplegirlie · 17/07/2011 23:06

You're right, Piglet. I am feeling better tonight than I have for a few days and feel strong enough to hold my head up high on the school run tomorrow. I refuse to let them drag me down to their level.

The main ringleader has regularly asked me to do her favours, and another friend says it is probably only a matter of time before she comes asking again and being all nice, and I'll be ready to say no to her when this happens.

OP posts:
TheBolter · 17/07/2011 23:06

Aaah well you bitch, you're younger and richer than her! Grin

Like Piglet, I could count the number of my good friends on one hand.

Purplegirlie · 17/07/2011 23:08

I am getting the same way with good friends. It seems that more and more people are just out for what they can get from people and aren't interested in having a two-way frienship, just a fairweather one.

OP posts:
TheBolter · 17/07/2011 23:08

The phrase about not needing enemies with certain friends is true. You should be celebrating your ejection from the vipers' nest. At least you won;t be looking for a way out in a year's time!

Purplegirlie · 17/07/2011 23:09

LOL TheBolter, yes that's a good way to look at it. They're welcome to each other and their sad little lives.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 17/07/2011 23:18

he he he TheBolter if she does smile sweetly and tell her to feck off Grin

pigletmania · 17/07/2011 23:19

and walk away from them, what a pack of leeches.

Purplegirlie · 17/07/2011 23:21

I will enjoy every second of telling her to feck off when she next wants something

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 17/07/2011 23:22

They sound like total bitches.

Delete them/block their news feeds from your FB.

If you genuinely want an answer as to what their problem is, don't text - it gives them too much thinking time before they reply. Either call them one by one, or even better speak to them face to face. That way they're on the backfoot and you're the one in control.

Don't do them any favours ever again - remember, No is a complete sentence (always wanted to say that Grin).

If you overhear one of them or their kids making nasty comments in the street again, confront them (in the calmest way possible, esp if kids are there) there and then. 'Why is it you don't like me?, did you mean to just be so rude and nasty?' etc, with a nice smile on your face and direct eye contact. Then (most likely) watch the mother(s) squirm and backtrack.

You're right to hold your head up at school run time - you've done nothing wrong. Come back tomorrow and let us know how it goes.

pigletmania · 17/07/2011 23:30

yes keep us updated Smile. This sort of thing really hacks me off, I thank goodness have never experienced it but i hate reading about it. At pre school pick up (pre school is part of the local primary where dd is going in September), I am polite, say hello to people pick my dd up and go home, I am not there to make friends. If in the process I do than I do if I don't I dont. I see many of the mums in the playground nattering, some come early so that they can get more nattering time in. Nah not me,

pigletmania · 17/07/2011 23:32

I have made a couple of mum friends at dd pre school, but they are in a totally different league to these sorry little bunch op. They are kind, sincere lovely people, like me hate playground gossipy mums and don't get involved, but they are the type to come to you in a crisis at the drop of a hat, now thats real friendship.

A1980 · 17/07/2011 23:44

in particular, that I was closest to, seems to be the "ringleader". We were always commenting on each others' FB statuses and photos and texting a lot. She has stopped commenting on my FB and is replying like a loon to any mutual friends statuses when she didn't used to do that particularly, very gushing posts, and ignoring anything I put on. All 3 are writing on each others' walls "Thank you for being such a fantastic friend" and that sort of thing. It comes up on my newsfeed page.

You all sound about as childish as the children to be honest. It's pathetic and is usually the domain on 12 year olds.

pigletmania · 17/07/2011 23:46

That's why op should the adult and stay out of it.

Salmotrutta · 18/07/2011 00:03

I'll bet you a fiver OP that when if any of their DDs fall out with each other these "friends" will also fall out. I've seen it a million times - kids fall out, parents get involved and fall out, kids make up, parents stay frosty and end up looking very silly.
Making friends via your kids is usually fine but some parents live vicariously through their children and get very competitive. Either that or these mums are just plain old-fashioned gossipy horrors who are way too involved in each other's lives.

Purplegirlie · 18/07/2011 07:51

A1980, I'm upset that you've referred to me as childish too. I do find it upsetting about the Facebook stuff, that's not childish. I did say previously that I've remained polite to them and text them once to ask if I've done anything to upset them. Can you tell me exactly what I've done that you deem to be childish?

Salmo, you're probably right about them falling out at some point.

I had a great night's sleep and I've woken up this morning with a "not caring" feeling about it all, so onwards and upwards from now. Like I said yesterday, they're welcome to each other. I got a text last night from another friend, who I haven't seen for a while so I'm off to hers for a coffee and chat this morning, which will be nice.

OP posts:
Purplegirlie · 18/07/2011 07:52

Piglet, the friends you've made at preschool sound really nice. That's the sort of friend I'll be looking for in future. I really can't be bothered with all the gossipy stuff too.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 18/07/2011 08:07

W one of my school friends is such a sweetheart, nothing is too much trouble, and can never do enough to help you. I don't drive and she offers ( I dint ask) to take me shopping regularly, and is always trying to help. Ok she like me may not were the trendiest of clothes or the latest haircut but that counts for nothing. She never says a bad word about anyone. I hope that you find someone like that op. J is also a lovely lady who would do anything tohelp you. But she really takes the playground silliness to heart which I told her she should not. She is from Africa and she says that it does not happen where she was brought up in

exoticfruits · 18/07/2011 08:08

Cut them out and don't waste time worrying about them-you will feel much better when you have.

pigletmania · 18/07/2011 08:10

These friend were my friends first, my dd does not really gel with W ds but dd loves J dd and is 'he best friend' dd has ASD btw so that a big thing for her to say

Purplegirlie · 18/07/2011 13:30

Well, it wasn't too good this morning; two of them walked past me at separate occasions and I said "hello" and they each did a sort of false smile and then back to normal face and didn't speak.

So fed up with it all, I have to see them day in, day out on the school run and I don't want it to affect DD's friendships at school :(

OP posts:
CQrrrneee · 18/07/2011 13:34

They sound vile! Sounds like you've got out just in time.

pigletmania · 18/07/2011 13:34

Don't let it bother you, don't even have to say hello

pigletmania · 18/07/2011 13:39

If they talk to you be civil, if they don't than don't say anything. Delete them from your telephone an FB, what have you to loose they not your friends. Trust me you will feel so much better. Just say on your fb you are having a summer clean of your fb as there is too many on there

Kewcumber · 18/07/2011 13:45

Blimey it's like being 13 again isn't it!

Just hide tehm on facebook - you don;t need to make an issue of defriending them. It will reduce your stress levels not being able to see what they post.

You have the summer not to bother seeing them. Try to make an effort to be friendlier with the mums in your DC's class and let things calm down over the summer.

Then follow Sitting Bulls earliest advice to the letter!