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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a divorce after only 6 months of marriage?

75 replies

ConfusedHeart · 17/07/2011 19:00

we have been together 5 years and 6 months. married for the 6 months. we are young (I am 20) but I think it was a huge mistake.

I just dont love him anymore. He feels more like an annoying brother than a husband. I dont find him attractive anymore and I won't sleep with him.

I dont know what to do. I really want out.

OP posts:

zukiecat · 17/07/2011 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MixedClassBaby · 17/07/2011 19:31

However things pan out, it's probably a good idea to tell your DH asap exactly how you are feeling now. You cannot help the way you feel, you can only be honest. I'm sure he'd rather know what's going on and be a fully informed participant in what happens next than have something huge sprung on him and feel he's been deceived.

TheRealMBJ · 17/07/2011 19:31

YANBU.

You are very, very, very young and don't have children. If you do not want to be in this relationship any longer it is better to get out now.

FWIW, I ended a 6.5 year relationship 5 months before the wedding for very similar reasons. I felt very guilty because I had pushed him to propose cause I thought that was what was missing in the relationship.

LemonDifficult · 17/07/2011 19:32

He sounds depressed. Like he could use a counsellor.

DumSpiroSpero · 17/07/2011 19:34

Have counselling by all means, but for goodness sake if you feel the same afterwards get out now and get on with your life before you are even more bogged down with joint financial commitments or kids.

You are so very young (I got engaged at just turned 21 and frankly if my daughter did the same I'd lock her in her bedroom until she saw sense!) and you will change even more over the coming years.

Life is too short to be with someone you're not 100% happy with and at the moment you have the freedom to change that.

Original poster

ConfusedHeart · 17/07/2011 19:35

its just the way he is, hes kinda geeky, he likes being a bit of a recluse. He doesnt drink and doesnt really like going out anywhere its just him.

OP posts:

TheRealMBJ · 17/07/2011 19:35

Oops, pressed 'post' prematurely.

It was the best thing I could have done. A weight was lifted from my shoulders almost immediately and as the fog cleared over the next few months, I realised just how unhappy and compromised I had become.

I'm not saying that this will be the case for you, if you want to try counselling do but don't worry about 'throwing away' the years you have had together.

Good luck

TheOriginalFAB · 17/07/2011 19:36

YABU IMO and you also sound quite immature.

I think you need to be honest with yourself and your husband and you owe him the chance for you to get back what you had. You can't give up after 6 months.

Original poster

ConfusedHeart · 17/07/2011 19:39

where as i used to be the life and soul of the party but im not now :(

OP posts:

Spuddybean · 17/07/2011 19:39

My exH and i divorced after 1 year of marriage (together 11 years tho). It was as if getting married was a last ditch attempt to inject some passion into the relationship. We loved each other but more like siblings - i think they call in enmeshment. I met someone else who i really fancied - something i had never ever felt before and just realised how wrong it had been with my H. He also had also fallen in love with my best friend!

The couple who live in the flat above were together 7 years and got married and then decided 6 months into it to separate (same reason) as above but no third parties involved.

It is sad and it hurt like hell, but i am much happier now (as is he, he has grown his hair long and is out gigging all the time!)

I think you are very young and if it feels like this now you should go to a counsellor, they can either make an improvement or help make a separation more painless.

good luck

DumSpiroSpero · 17/07/2011 19:40

Your DH sounds like mine - we've been together 15 years and do virtually nothing as a couple. We don't stop each other doing the things we want to individually, but it's not the same as having someone with a similar outlook/interests to share things with.

If you have that little in common now you really need to think long and hard about how you want your life to be in a few years time.

TheRealMBJ · 17/07/2011 19:41

Of course she is immature. She's bloody 20! Barely older than a teenager. At that age I was in uni partying like a mad thing, exploring, and learning who I was apart from my parents and other childhood influences.

Yes, being honest and giving it a go is a good idea and 'giving up' perhaps not ideal, but maybe the OP (and her DH) need some time to discover who they are as individuals?

TheOriginalFAB · 17/07/2011 19:43

Quite often people are together a long time and then decide to get married as things aren't going great. Same stupid reason as having a band aid baby. That is why things have gone wrong, they were wrong already.

RunnerHasbeen · 17/07/2011 19:43

I don't see why you can't do things, without him, if they are things you want to do and he doesn't. DH and I have different interests and different friends and it doesn't cause any problems at all. If I was feeling frustrated at staying in all the time I would neither blame him nor expect him to fix it. Perhaps you should start to separate the parts of your life that do not work, go out with your friends, even on holiday with them - you might see the bits that do work in a different light.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 17/07/2011 19:44

From your posts it sounds like you want to be able to go out with your friends and have fun. Nothing wrong with that at all.
I dont think she sounds immature. Yes she made a mistake getting married to him but plenty of people make that mistake regardless of their age!
By all means go for the counselling but if you don't love him, have nothing in common with him and you don't sleep with him then I feel the best thing for both of you would be to split up.

Look after yourself ConfusedHeart. I've been in your situation. I married DH at 18 and in the run up to us splitting up when I was 21 I drank myself ill.

Original poster

ConfusedHeart · 17/07/2011 19:44

the real mbj you are right i am, and i do want to be doing all those things. but theres no need to say it in such a harsh way though.

OP posts:

brownleatherbrogues · 17/07/2011 19:44

why on earth did you get married at 20? it's so young!!!

lol i got married at 19, he was 20 (no i wasnt pregnant), still married 30 years later. sometimes you find the one earlier than later, thats life

remember OP, the grass always seems greener .... it rarely is

greenbluebottle · 17/07/2011 19:45

At the risk of being shot down - you made a promise. You stood up and made a promise in front of everybody that you would love him until death. Not until you decided that you didn't really like him anymore... I'm not saying you have to stay forever in an unhappy marriage, but I am saying that you should at least try to stick to your promise. Give your marriage a go. Go to counselling. Talk to your husband. Don't just walk away. This is a marriage we're talking about - a legally binding promise you made. If you were old enough to make that promise, you're old enough to try to stick to it.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but walking away now is not fair to your husband or to yourself. The break-up of a marriage is horrible and is to be avoided at all costs.

Original poster

ConfusedHeart · 17/07/2011 19:47

He kinda makes me feel guilty when I go out. He only really has two friends one is my brother who has a new born and the other lives 40 miles away and he cant drive. so when I want to go out he makes me feel guilty by saying "oh alright i'll just stay here then..." then i end up cancelling on my friends and staying in for the sake of an easy life

OP posts:

northernrock · 17/07/2011 19:48

Is he a lot older than you? I ask because of the fact that you say he isn't interested in going out etc...
If you really don't fancy him, then you have to get out. You are so young, and if you feel like this now how are you going to feel in five or ten years, when you have a couple of kids and a mortgage round your neck?

Speaking as someone who felt trapped in more than one relationship (including one ill advised marriage I would say that in reality you are never trapped-it only takes the making of a decision, and you can do it.
You will feel awful about it, but surely it's better for him to be given the chance to be with someone who loves him, if you don't.

Get an extra job stacking chelves-anything-get yourself in a flatshare and have some fun while you can. Life is short.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 17/07/2011 19:48

OP, sorry, but it's rather early days just yet. Give it a whirl until the year is up. You should be having these discussions with him, rather than us though, surely?

Lemon - are you serious about OP's partner being depressed and maybe needing counselling. Based on waht knowledge of him, precisely?... Was that meant to be a wind up? Surely a little premature, non?

northernrock · 17/07/2011 19:48

shelves, not chelves!

northernrock · 17/07/2011 19:49

Stacking elves even, if it pays the rent

Original poster

ConfusedHeart · 17/07/2011 19:50

yeah hes 5 years older. we were 15 and 20 when we got together. 20 and 25 now.

OP posts:

FilthyDirtyHeathen · 17/07/2011 19:51

Trust your instincts, if it feels wrong then it probably is wrong. Counselling isn't all about fixing the relationship so that you can stay together. If the relationship can't be fixed because you know you want out then counselling becomes about smoothing the separation process.

This is exactly what happened to me when I wanted out of a 5 year relationship at your age. Counselling threw into stark relief the fact that I didn't know who I was or what I wanted. It put me on the road to growing up and although it was painful at the time, it was absolutely the right thing to do. To struggle on in the relationship would have been even more painful especially for my partner.

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