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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

with the person who told me to 'get some perspective because HER friend is dying of cancer?'

47 replies

Collision · 17/07/2011 11:41

Something really upset me this week and I was very down about it.

Not life threatening. No threat to my family or DH.

But it affected me.

This person came up to me while I was making a coffee at work and said COMPLETELY OUT OF THE BLUE 'my friend has 3-5 years to live. YOU need to get some perspective.'

Now, don't get me wrong. It is terribly sad that her friend has cancer and I know how awful this is but it doesn't take away from how am feeling about things and how this has upset me. She has known for a while about her friend so wasn't told recently. I do not know her friend and am aware that my situation is not as tragic as this but it does not negate what is happening in my life.

AIBU?

OP posts:
hairylights · 17/07/2011 11:42

What is it that has upset you? And how much of a fuss did you make about it at work?

LessonsinL · 17/07/2011 11:44

Your friend needs to get some perspective, not you :) When someone tells you to "see the bigger picture" or "get some perspective", it usually indicates that they are unable to see your point of view.

Ignore her. YANBU.

FreudianSlipper · 17/07/2011 11:46

so that is how she is feeling at the moment, like you she is entitled to feel the way she does and own her own feelings

i think you are creating more of a drama out of it yes

Tortington · 17/07/2011 11:46

no yanbu, her friend dying of cancer is nothing compared to the mothers who are watching all their children slowly die one by one of starvation in africa.

we can all point out something worse happening somewhere, this doesn't give one an excuse not to be a little empathetic/sypathetic, thnk of others a little bit

DoMeDon · 17/07/2011 11:48

Yes and No.

Do you need to get some perspective?

People dying doesn't stop others from being upset. My friend moaned to me about a really (self-proclaimed) trivial thing once, then apologised when she found out I was going through a cancer scare. I told her not to be daft. I was coping, I knew I could talk to my friends if I wanted to. She was upset about her trivial problem and me having a bigger one didn't negate her feelings AT ALL.

Having said that it would help lots of people to remove their head from arse and remember some stuff REALLY doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

On balance your colleague was intusive and insensitive but not unreasonable.

Highlander · 17/07/2011 11:48

OTOH, her comment suggests that she is struggling to come to terms with her friend and maybe needs a shoulder to cry on?

MY SIL is dying and your initial reaction is to tell everyone to get some perspective. It did take me a long time to realise that that is a rude, crass thing to say; peoples' problems are huge and very personal to them and it's not nice to dismiss them.

fastweb · 17/07/2011 11:50

Somebody else having a broken back does not make a stubbed toe painless.

But when you are facing the loss of somebody dealing with very serious health issues it makes it really hard not to draw comparisons and can make it hard to hear stubbed toe pain.

I'd give her some space cos she is probably dealing with a lot of pain, and find somebody else to get stuff off your chest with. And yes wanting to get non life threatening stuff off your chest is a perfectly normal thing to want to do.

Don't think either of you are being unreasonable, just at the moment it is a bad match for you two doing the sympathetic friend helping another with not life threatening problems thing.

BluddyMoFo · 17/07/2011 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 17/07/2011 11:51

I can sort of see where she's coming from, I get ratty when people moan about minor issues with their dc's which could probably be solved with decent parenting (we have 4 in the family with asd) and tempted tho I am to snap 'pull your fecking socks up, you haven't got a clue what hard work is' at them. I never would, because their issues are just as valid and just because my life's difficult, it isn't there problem.

Sounds like your friend's stressed out over what's happening to her friend and she's taking it out on others, life is very unfair at times.

Yanbu for feeling hurt, but you have to understand why she's feeling the way she is.

Original poster
Collision · 17/07/2011 11:52

oooh AIBU is scary!! Grin

I think what annoyed me the most was that I was cross and upset but got over it and was quiet on Thursday but not dramatic or loud about it. I was just making coffee and she said what she did.

Surely if I ABU then every time someone has a problem or is cross about something you could just say, 'Well get some perspective, people are dying in Africa, dying in an earthquake, 9/11 blah blah.'

I think empathy should always be used before saying 'get some perspective.'

OP posts:
activate · 17/07/2011 11:52

I personally can at times get incredibly pissed off at people who complain about something that I believe is minor - but that has more to do with me and my personal situation

so the fact that you are upset also does not negate her feelings

so it's swings and roundabouts

I can be empathetic at times, at others I can't - depends on my mood and how close I am to a neuro visit / mri scan / other test - doesn't negate others' upset but does trivialise it to me

swings and roundabouts

buzzsore · 17/07/2011 11:53

I think your colleague is probably struggling with her friend's diagnosis. She was wrong to tell you off for being upset, but I'd give her a pass on it.

buzzsore · 17/07/2011 11:53

prognosis, not diagnosis.

2shoes · 17/07/2011 11:55

yanbu
it is called top trumping

Original poster
Collision · 17/07/2011 11:57

Haha! 2shoes that is very funny!

Top trumping! Who has the worst problem? She does.

Very good analysis. Grin

OP posts:
FoofusScrimgeour · 17/07/2011 12:08

2shoes - was just about to say top trumping.

Unfortunately, not knowing what your personal issue makes it hard for anyone on MN to give a proper answer.
If she came up to you out of nowhere and said this it sounds to me like she had been champing at the bit to use this to cut you down to size.
However, if she is upset about her friend she may have been irritated at what she deemed a minor problem on your side.

Let it go. Don't upset yourself over what she said. Providing she leaves it at that just let it go. It sounds like you probably have bigger personal things to be concerned about.

joric · 17/07/2011 12:08

I think that using her friend as an example was crass but at the same time- people DON'T often have perspective and need to get some. She is probably sick of people going on about this and that as if it's some big trauma - being upset over things that arn't worth worrying about in the greater scheme of things. Are you a moaner or drama queen ? If so, she's trying to tell you in a way to pull yourself together , if you are neither of these things then just take it that she has stuff on her mind and is a bit intolerant at the moment and show Her a bit if empathy.

DoMeDon · 17/07/2011 12:09

OP - maybe you should empathise with the people who have no empathy Grin

TidyDancer · 17/07/2011 12:10

Whether YABU or not comes down to what your problem is and how much of a big deal it was at work. It seems utterly bizarre that she would seek you out to say that though. Did it follow a conversation earlier?

joric · 17/07/2011 12:15

DoMeDon- I actually think you should!

Original poster
Collision · 17/07/2011 12:16

No it didnt follow a conversation.

TBH my issue is irrelevant as she has 'top trumped' me! but she is senior management and RENOWNED for calling meetings over trivialities which makes her comments all the more annoying.

OP posts:
LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 17/07/2011 12:20

I was going to say she is struggling with her friends illness as well. When my dad was ill there were quite a few times I wanted to tell people to get a grip and be grateful.

Original poster
Collision · 17/07/2011 12:22

And I really do get that Namechange.

I was really supportive of her when she told me about her friend.

OP posts:
Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 17/07/2011 12:24

YANBU - as a cancer survivor I would never have expected others not to tell me their troubles whilst I was going through my operation and treatment even though they sometimes held back - I WANTED to hear about normal life things (even if it was their difficulties) as I felt so bloody abnormal it was a way of getting myself back into the real and normal world! As others have said maybe she just have stuff on her mind and wanted to berate someone - it didn't matter who

don't let it bother you OP

TidyDancer · 17/07/2011 12:24

I don't think your issue is irrelevant if you have brought it into the office. What's more relevant though is how you have dealt with it at work. If you've only mentioned it a couple of times, your point is entirely valid. If you talk about it every five seconds it's not unreasonable for someone to say something to you about that.

But I maintain, if it was totally out of the blue that she approached you, it's just plain weird anyway.

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