with the person who told me to 'get some perspective because HER friend is dying of cancer?'

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Something really upset me this week and I was very down about it.

Not life threatening. No threat to my family or DH.

But it affected me.

This person came up to me while I was making a coffee at work and said COMPLETELY OUT OF THE BLUE 'my friend has 3-5 years to live. YOU need to get some perspective.'

Now, don't get me wrong. It is terribly sad that her friend has cancer and I know how awful this is but it doesn't take away from how am feeling about things and how this has upset me. She has known for a while about her friend so wasn't told recently. I do not know her friend and am aware that my situation is not as tragic as this but it does not negate what is happening in my life.

AIBU?

Of course it may well be that you do need to get a grip and be grateful . Seriously though when you have to confront mortality it can change you and how you deal with things, I know my patience has been shortened.

joric - was x-post - mine was tongue in cheek to OP.

I think that everything is relative. If you are upset, it is a natural reaction relative to whatever it is that is affecting you. You didn't choose to be uspet after all. I had an experience earlier in the year when my father died. When I told a 'friend', as I knew that she had lost her step Father at the same sort of time, as I thought we could share our feelings as we were in the same boat so to speak, she told me that it was different for me because her step father had died suddenly and it wasn't so bad for me because my Father had been dying of cancer for some time!!! A loss is a loss. Needless to say I have distanced myself from her now.

sponkle - ouch!

sponkle - Competitive grief - very sad Was it worse for you as it was Father not Step-father? Did you love them more or less? I really can't think of anything more hurtful a 'freind' could do. It is a shame she was too self-absorbed/ grief stricken to realise that.

DoMeDon- I know your post was Tongue in cheek to OP! :) I still think you should empathise with those who show no empathy!

What everyone else has said really. YANBU to be struggling with your own problems, but then I don't think her sentiments about getting perspective are unreasonable either. When Mum died of cancer, in my more lucid moments afterwards, I'd tell myself, and others, that at least she'd lived to see her grandchildren and I'd had an amazing mum for 39 years of my life. Other people aren't that lucky. I still feel massively envious (to the point of tears at times), when I see my friends' mums being involved in their childrens' lives or when I see women in their 60s who still have their mothers. That said, I always reign these feelings in by reminding myself how some people have it worse.

Sponkle - that was so tactless of your friend! After my dad died, my friend, who lost hers suddenly some years previously, hurumphed, "Well at least YOU got to say goodbye to YOUR dad!", like I was some sort of competition or something. Knowing what she's like, I told her that watching a loved one die a lingering and horrible death is NOT better at all and that you don't actually sit there and say, "Well, goodbye then," as they are taking their final breaths, do you? So very sorry for your loss, btw.

Ultimately, we all deal with the (impending) death of someone close in different ways, and when someone is faced with or dealing with that, then we need to find a bit of grace in ourselves and let things somethings go, perhaps like a tactless remark over the coffee machine.

YANBU. Life is not a competition.

My dads bigger than your dad!

Maybe she was a little tactless and dismissed your feelings about your problem. Doesn't mean your upset isn't real and she shouldn't have dismissed it IMO.
We can all think of someone who's got it really hard, I know I have with my boys but then I think well at least they're healthy and not life threatening conditions like some of my friends children so it's all relative.

Maybe she could've worded it better not to make you feel stupid for feeling the way you do about your situation.
Let it go. And don't feel guilty for her situation.

From you following comments I suspect she is being unreasonable. You sound as though you were upset but not drama queerish and she turned on you out of the blue

But to be honest it is possible to be quiet about something that has been bothering you, and not keep talking about it and yet to create sn incredibly negative atmosphere in the manner of a dementor.

My sister is like that. Her coping quietly is like a fucking siren. And she really does need to get some perspective.
Funnily enough she is always the first to say ' well I wish I only had such small things to worry about' .....

I just look at it as that she was struggling emotionally and didn't have the emotional intelligence to see outside her own experience-maybe she just wasn't ready to think about anyone else at that point. A loss is a loss however much you loved the person who died, or how they were connected to you. It is a shame because she could have gained something by sharing her grief with me, but I understand that she might have found it too overwhelming.

Sponkle- someone said same to me when my DH died except the other way round- my DD died suddenly and friend's DD died after long illness- apparently my loss was easier than hers because it was sudden and not after months of suffering... You can't win!! :)

Drama queer

Drama queen-ish

Well like Apocalupse I have 4 with Sn.

personally it makes me sad if people don't think they can tell me their worries. Not all of mine are severe either- some even a blessing to have- right now I am stressing becuase I don't know what the procedure is to book
on to a Brittany ferry LMAO (liking my predictability me, you can see where the boy's genes come from). I'm as happy to help get SEN support for someone in the local MS with dyslexia as I am for ASD. The key to me is that it's horrible to be in a position where you are unhappy or concerned and if I an help someone with that then I will.

Besides as a human I wish to be more than teh composite of my boy's needs. That's not easy but worth striving for.

YANBU.

It is like I has said to my MIL that I found being a Mum hard she told me to think of X who couldn't have children. While that was sad (and turned out not to be true as she was pregnant the next month) how did she think that would help me be a mum?

If a friend had said that to you I'd say Yanbu, but since you were at work and refer to having been "cross and upset" one day then quiet the next, it sounds like you were behaving unreasonably at work (eg complaining, sulking) and that this pissed her off.

She was still unreasonable to say it mind you.

Theoriginalfab- my DM does this all of the time... She is telling me in her way to stop moaning and find a solution..because in the greater scheme of things, whatever I am finding difficult is easy to solve Harsh but true.

Ah! You have a problem with senior management!

What was your issue? You still haven't said. If it was something trivial which you made a big fuss about at work then you are quite possibly BU.

YANBU. You could have pointed out all those suffering even more than her friend, although that would not have been very kind of you. But she is obviously hurting and upset so you would do well to let it go.

It is like I has said to my MIL that I found being a Mum hard she told me to think of X who couldn't have children. While that was sad (and turned out not to be true as she was pregnant the next month) how did she think that would help me be a mum?

Oh don't you just lurve those MIL comments!!! Mine witters on about how hard one of her grandsons was for his mother and how lucky I am that mine are not as bad...said grandson is married, has 2 kids, works a good job and has a normal life now. Just basically had a blip for a few weeks and was a bit hyper for a little while (what his mum says not me). Mine won't ever be able to leave home or live independently!
I wouldn't mind so much if I was constantly moaning about my lot to her but I don't, I adore m' boys and think I'm blessed. She just likes talking shit!

Sounds a bit of both; shes upset over what she sees as a trivial matter in your life but also the fact that shes waited til the next day during a quiet moment to say that to you suggests she has wanted to make you feel crap to make herself feel better..?

The word "martyr" comes to mind..

But I wasnt there and I dont know either of you properly so please dismiss my thoughts if they come across as offensive or harsh.x

Ah yes Unpa1d! When dh failed in a suicide bid (it's OK, he got help and has been away from that aplce for many years now) she rang him to say what right did he have to be upset, didn;t he know that SHE had all the problems? (was just after ds1's diagnosis and when we lost the house).

Even though things were rough back then, we laughed long and hard- did us a world of good!