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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to resent DH for having yet another lie in?

69 replies

Sticki · 17/07/2011 06:58

We have 3 DCs (6mths, just 2 and 6 yrs). I am a SAHM and DH works very long hours and travels most weeks. I am feeling increasing resentful that he never gets up at the weekends with the DCs. Im not talking about feeding the baby at 5am (although Ive just given up b/fing so he could) but getting up with the 2 yr old and the 6 yr old from 6.30ish.

He is very tired from working so hard, but Im finding it hard to be sympathetic when Im also very tired and cross that Im always having to do everything because of his job. Last Sunday I went back to bed when the baby had a nap but he brought the 2yr old upstairs to find the swim stuff which meant I didnt get any sleep. I had previously told him Im feeling very tired.

Im going to have to talk to him about it (although not this week as have MIL staying - another story!) but Im not sure if I am being unreasonable wanting an occasional lie in.

OP posts:

RitaMorgan · 17/07/2011 08:42

Agree that breastfeeding is no reason not to get a lie-in! There is no way I'd still be bfing an 11 month old if that is the case.

Were these men always so selfish, or did they become like this only once you'd had children?

ToothbrushThief · 17/07/2011 08:48

...once I'd had children Rita

I was thinking about this...when did the rot begin..... because of another thread. I was my happiest pre children. The marriage was great.

Children changed it because he never stepped up to the workload change. I became gradually more resentful and the marriage changed. It was everything from lie ins to financial responsibility.

For those posters who wonder why 'we put up with it' ? I didn't. I tried every single thing I could think of to try and make him see I needed help. If someone doesn't wish to help they will foil every plan to make them do so.

Original poster

Sticki · 17/07/2011 09:23

Thanks everyone for your responses. Really helps to get a bit of perspective from you guys. I will defo tell him we are taking turns on the lie ins from next weekend. I dont want it to ruin our marriage, which it will if it continues.

OP posts:

BumperlicicusTotalus · 17/07/2011 09:39

This is really unfair. He works long hours and so do you. Even when dh and I only had sundays off we would take it in turns for a lie in. I'm lucky my dh is very reasonable. I'm not sure what I'd do if he refused to get up. But it says to me a lack of respect for you and the job you do looking after the kids.

I go back to work tomorrow and dh will be looking after the dds 3 days a week, and he is suitably nervous. I said I dont care what state the house is in when I come back as long as the first words out of his mouth are "I don't know how you've done this for 10 months"!

rainbowtoenails · 17/07/2011 10:03

I just dont understand this thread. Why are people getting up so early with their older dcs? What's wrong with a little early weekend morning kids tv? Thats how i remember my weekend mornings when i was little.
Very young infants, thats another matter but for toddlers + i consider anything before 8am ' during the night'- my ' mummy shift' doesnt start until after that. Are all these early risers either getting put to bed very early in the evening or not getting enough exercise to tire themselves out?
There are too many 'mummy martyrs' on here imo.

ToothbrushThief · 17/07/2011 10:06

Well I've read about a 10 week old, 6 month old and 11 month old. I think that's a bit young for tv on their own....

Vagazzled · 17/07/2011 10:11

It's the opposite in our house but then I work until midnight so the circumstances are different. I agree with other posters, can you not have a lie-in each at the weekend? Or even have alternate weekends.

ChablisLover · 17/07/2011 10:21

Yanbu- have the same issue. Dh upstairs asleep again. Even ds know that daddy lies in at weekend! He works long hours yes but then so do I. I work pt three days a week but the rest of the time is housework and running after ds and my mum. While he is relaxing at night I am doing the ironing. He then complains about the bedroom being messy but can't comprehend that it can't be cleaned while someone is sleeping in it! Men - I blame their mothers hence I am bringing up the next generation to do the things his dad doesn't.

Atwaroverscrabble · 17/07/2011 12:51

Well today dd was up at 4:45, I managed to persuade her to go back down but she woke again at 5:20 and then 6:10 so again I got up with her.... As I do everyday!

Dh is working 2-10 today but yesterday said he'd take the kids for a couple of hours in the morning so I could rest and wash my hair (he persuaded me not to do it last night and watch tv with him instead..)...

Anyway, dd (19months) was really grumpy so I managed to put her down for nap at 8:30, I then asked dh what time he was thinking of having the kids and I got a mouthful in return so I shouted back at him and apparently that has ruined his whole day and guess what.... He didn't watch the kids!

BumperlicicusTotalus · 17/07/2011 13:32

You can't pass this off as just 'men!'. Having a penis is not a reason for disrespect and laziness. Can some of you not have intelligent and rational conversations with your partners about this? Anyone with a brain cell can see this is not fair. What would happen if you just refused to get up?

BumperlicicusTotalus · 17/07/2011 13:38

Oh and having the kids so you can wash your hair? Wow what a luxury!

I gave my dh a lie in this morning. He gave me one yesterday. He is popping into work and taking the kids with him and told me I can do whatever I like except housework. And dh comes from from a family of strong matriarchal women and his mum is 83, yet he still understands that parenting is an equal job. Blaming your partner's mum just lets him off the hook. And it doesn't matter what you teach your children, much of their behaviour is modelled on those around them so it's time their dads stepped up to the plate and fulfilled their job description.

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 17/07/2011 13:42

We had a policy of one lie in each per weekend. On my 'up' day I would get up and feed, dress and generally be a parent to our daughter. His method involved getting up, making her a slice of toast, parking her in front of cbeebies and coming back to bed. Which invariably meant I would have to get up half an hour later when the toast ran out and she got bored. Or during sport season, my lie in day would 'accidentally' coincide with the one where he needed to be up and out to go see his precious team play.

Yeah. He's an ex now.

TidyDancer · 17/07/2011 13:48

I think you need to decide who gets the weekend lie-ins according to who gets the least sleep during the week. It would be unfair to divide it straight down the middle if one parent gets excessively more during the week and therefore doesn't need the extra sleep at the weekend.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 17/07/2011 14:04

Why are all these children getting up so early???

My two are 6 & 9 so well able to watch a cartoon or three until I get up (10am is a good lie-in here).

DH was up after 9 this morning, and ds arrived in the kitchen asking if it was morning yet... he said he 'set his alarm' for 10am lol.. he's 6!

I understand the babies wakening early, but a child older than about two should be learning how to lie on a wee bit longer and not getting up at 6am or earlier!

I simply couldn't function if mine were ever up at that time.

DD was always a good sleeper, from really early, DS wasn't naturally, but soon learned!

Tee2072 · 17/07/2011 14:07

Oh okay. I'll let my 2.1 year old know that when he wakes up at 445 with a nightmare he should just settle himself back to sleep.

The amount of judginess on this thread is, once again, amazing. Until you have a child that doesn't sleep? Shut up about how they should sleep.

mercibucket · 17/07/2011 14:19

can you get a lock on your bedroom door and go back to sleep for a few hours at lunchtime instead - then you could share out the lie-in between you - one each at weekends plus a lunchtime nap for you on the day you don't get a lie in?
and, as others have said, if it's just a case of getting up with the 6 and 2 year old, then is it possible to not get up with them instead? mine know to make their own way down, turn off the alarm, get their own breakfast (older does it for younger) and turn the telly on. they come and wake us up about eight-ish
it is bloody knackering when they are so young. I did all the night feeds with all the kids - I always saw my reward for this as weekend lie ins til the youngest was 2 (and then able to go downstairs by themselves!)

M0naLisa · 17/07/2011 14:25

Hmm i would just say 'Im going to bed for an hour'

Thats what i do. DH can stay in bed some days till 11am - dinnertime but he cant sleep at night, he can go to bed at 11pm and still be wide awake at 5am. Hes just come out of a very hard job, contracted for 6mths, it made him ill, depressed, withdrawn into himself etc etc He is in bed at the minute because he couldnt sleep last night, but he let me have a lie in this morning and kept the kids downstairs, playing quietly.

Sossiges · 17/07/2011 14:33

I quite like it when my DH has a lie-in, when he's asleep I don't have to go around finding things for him or making snacks

HampstersDontSwim · 17/07/2011 14:38

Sossiges...................

Good luck with that

EightiesChick · 17/07/2011 14:53

YANBU. Amazing how many men have hearing problems when children are crying, or how many need a minimum of 8 hours' sleep to do their job properly (all brain surgeons, no doubt) - funny how that doesn't apply when they stay out late at the pub, eh?

My DH was leaving the house by 7 and not back till at least 7 in the evening while I was on maternity leave. We still alternated lie ins at weekends - I would bf and then if it was my turn, he took DS downstairs and I went back to sleep. Don't imagine that ONE lie in a week is in any way unreasonable. It isn't and he should be ashamed of himself for doing you down this way.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 17/07/2011 14:56

Erm, a nightmare is entirely different to a child repeatedly getting up at that time.

But even though I did say my youngest wasn't a good sleeper, i'll be a good girl and shut up.

edwinbear · 17/07/2011 15:16

YANBU. DH also works long hours, he starts at 6.45am during the week so is up early and does a stressful job (he's a trader). We still have a lie in each at the weekend, if he moans about being tired I tell him to go to bed earlier! DS goes to bed at 7pm so if he was that knackered, he could go to bed then too!

Atwaroverscrabble · 17/07/2011 16:48

I wish I could go to bed earlier..... I have to work once my 2 are in bed and even if not working I usually end up washing up/tidying until gone 11..... I've even been up working until 3 then up with dd at 6 but I'm never allowed to say I'm tired...

flootshoot · 17/07/2011 17:08

My 2.5yo is up at 6am most days regardless of tiredness/bedtime/naps. How do I get him to stay in bed longer? I'd love to know how people manage that!

alistron1 · 17/07/2011 17:09

DP and I had a system (when our kids were little) that he'd have a lie on the saturday and I'd have one on the sunday. It worked really well, even though I would 'wake up' on the sunday just lolling in bed, not having to do feeds/breakfast, being able to have a relaxing bath etc was great.

Nowadays it's great, last weekend we slept in until 10am, came down to dressed/breakfasted kids - sleep is fantastic

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