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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being upset by what is actually fantastic news. Feel confused and guilty & need to give myself a good shake.

33 replies

peedieworky · 16/07/2011 19:54

I have an 8 week old DS who I love with all my heart. While pregnant, I was always convinced I was having a boy, though everyone guessed I was having a girl. As my sister is my best mate and has a little girl I had thought a girl would be lovely but honestly didn't think I had any preference for a boy or girl. However, I've just had a text from a friend to tell me she's just had a little DD and my first reaction was pure jealousy. I'm so confused by my reaction and feel guilty for my thoughts. It's actually make me worry that if we have a second child I'd be disappointed if it was another DS. Am away to give myself a good shake & a telling off Angry and hope this is just my hormones messing with my mind.

OP posts:
PonceyMcPonce · 16/07/2011 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lastonetoleaveturnoutthelights · 16/07/2011 20:00

Oh love it's an absolutely normal reaction, it's hormones and has no deep or real meaning about your love for your DS or for how you might feel if you have a second boy in the future. Don't worry, just put it to the back of your mind if you can, or confide in someone else who has just had a baby boy.

Tsk those crazy, mind-altering hormones (especially in a cocktail with sleep deprivation, shock of giving birth and being a Mum and sheer overwhelming emotion on every front).

Original poster
peedieworky · 16/07/2011 20:00

Bloody hormones.. Feel like a total arseh*le. Trying to distract myself and move on. Think it may be wine o'clock Blush

OP posts:
branstonsandcheese · 16/07/2011 20:02

It's hormones. I did something similar. Don't feel guilty. Something as absolute as having a child often brings out the what-ifs - I know people who phoned long-ago exes in tears, got really worked up about eye colour and facial features etc etc etc.

DH's best (female), friend from childhood had a girl just a few weeks after we had our second DS - I remember crying and saying she had the girl we were supposed to Blush - I never even wanted a girl! Needless to say I wouldn't've swapped and certainly not now our DCs are nearing 5 and the little girl is a total hellion!

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 16/07/2011 20:11

You know what, i'm going to stick my neck out here and say it's not actually so 'unnormal' to feel how you're feeling. I did, as it happens, and after two DS decided to try for a third as I wanted a DD.

Maybe you'll still feel like this in a good few months or so. If so, decide what you want to do. But whatever you do, don't attach too much meaning to it just now - it's only 8 weeks in, for heaven's sakes - you are WAY too early into all of it to know who YOU are now, let alone how you will feel later. I'm afraid I think that 'society' attaches a huge amount of importance to 'that special bond' between mother and daughter, that might have something to do with how you're feeling?

Have an unMN hug. Poor old you. Lots of tea, wine and a few good sleeps and you'll fret less about it.

Go and cuddle your gorgeous little boy. He will be so special to you, as will other children you're yet to have.

642 · 16/07/2011 20:13

Many congratulations Worky.

Boys are so wonderful and lovely. I'm sure girls have their good points Wink,

but I know for a fact that boys are truly amazing. Enjoy your gorgeous baby boy. Smile

Glitterknickaz · 16/07/2011 20:14

Whilst it's hormones don't feel too bad about it x

Original poster
peedieworky · 16/07/2011 20:24

Oh am so glad to hear I've not morphed into some evil mean spirited witch. In danger of wallowing in guilt here (I have such tendencies..) as just feel so ungrateful. Took forever to get pregnant, then had a miscarriage then had our beautiful DS & here I am having these thoughts. Horrid. Reassured by your messages though, so thank you and going to stop giving myself such a self indulgent hormone fuelled cry fest hard time

OP posts:
Glitterknickaz · 16/07/2011 20:26

Welcome to parenthood.
A lifetime of guilt awaits Smile

Original poster
peedieworky · 16/07/2011 20:27

Thanks glitter that made me giggle!

OP posts:
Minshu · 16/07/2011 20:32

Eight weeks is really early - in a few months, then years when you know your DS as a real person, it will never occur to you to feel that way.

BupcakesandCunting · 16/07/2011 20:36

That's nothing.

When I had DS, I was pissed off that I hadn't got a puppy instead. At least you're hankering after the same species.

Joking aside, it's your hormones love. Don't feel badly :) When I was pregnant I really wanted a DD. I had DS and I love him SO much. I just want another ten of him. He is perfect to me. You will feel the same when you're back on an even keel.

AgentZigzag · 16/07/2011 20:41

I had some pretty weird thoughts after having DD1 (when I think the hormones were stronger than with DD2).

It passed relatively quickly, hopefully it will for you too.

Just think of what hormones do to teenagers Shock

You'll be fine Smile

glassescase · 16/07/2011 21:13

All through pregnancy with twins I wanted at least one girl; was so desperate that I painted the room blue and bought blue bedding, so that if I had two boys, no one would feel sorry for me.
Twin 1 was a girl-YAY- I did it!
Twin 2 was a boy- fine, I was happy with whatever I got.
However, I soon fell in love with my wonderful son who gave, and still gives, so much joy. Little boys are so loving; as one friend put it "a son sits on your knee and loves you, a daughter sits there because she wants something!"
I love my DD, but DS is special, and I'm sure yours will be too. I know, though, if I had had two boys, I would have been SOOOO jealous of a friend with a daughter.

Belini · 16/07/2011 21:14

YANBU I have 3DS and was so convinced DS3 was going to be the DD I have always longed for I bought dresses and pink teddies (my hospital has a no telling you what you are having policy) exOH was vvv worried when the midwife showed him baby was a boy but I was so happy he thought I had misheard Smile. Its early days with your LO and everybody keeps telling me boys are easier xx

nanar · 16/07/2011 21:22

Don't worry at all - sometimes you can't control your reaction.

After having 3 (much loved) DS of my own, I heard that a friend of mine had had a DD - I couldn't speak to anyone for 3 days, I was so upset. I couldn't believe my own reaction and didn't like it, but what can you do when something hits you out of the blue?

You will be fine - you may have a DS2 or you may have a DD in the future, but rest assured you will love them either way. I'm not saying you wouldn't have a pang for something that you haven't got, but it doesn't diminish your feelings for your DCs.

Bearcat · 16/07/2011 21:23

Always hankered to Have a DD when I was pregnant with DC1.
Knew before I had him that he was going to be a boy and felt slightly disappointed. As soon as he was born though, I just loved him to bits.
3.5 years later, I only wanted another boy which is what we got.
They are 23 & 19 now and I wouldn't have changed a thing.
They were both cuddly and very loving as very young children (think DS1 thought his nose had been pushed out on arrival of DS2) and DS2 was still very cuddly right up to about 12 and will still come and sit right next to me to show me something in a paper or on his laptop.
Love them to bits.
Enjoy your son or even sons!

superjobee · 16/07/2011 21:26

i had this after my scan last month, found out we were having a boy but for a week or two found myself pining for pink things in shops, little pinnys for winter with the wee tights and pink pushchairs . . i think its just natural :)

breatheslowly · 16/07/2011 21:34

I was convinced that I was having a boy during my pregnancy. I convinced myself because I did want a girl. I was actually quite shocked to have a girl. Now I have got to know her I wouldn't swap her with anyone else's baby or want her to be anything other than herself (well except that I would like her to wake up later etc) and this is true of everyone I know and their babies, even "difficult" ones. I am confident that if I have any more I won't have any preference for a boy to "balance the family" because I would be just as happy with another like my DD. I bet when you meet your friend's DD your jealousy will melt away. She won't have your DS's smile, a hint of your DH's eyes and your feet in minature.

Original poster
peedieworky · 16/07/2011 21:47

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply. Just scoffed a huge Chinese takeaway washed down with 2 large glasses of wine that I'm regretting already (bottle of EBM at the ready for next feed!). If am honest am now thinking that like breatheslowly I convinced myself I was having a boy as I was maybe hankering for a girl. But there hasn't been a day since he was born that I've even considered gender which I think was why I was so shocked by my reaction. Appreciate all the reassurance that I'll be okay if and when we go for another child.

OP posts:
hester · 16/07/2011 21:49

You're only 8 weeks postnatal! [Whispers: you're still just a teensy bit insane.]

I promise you: one day you will search your old threads on MN, and find this one, and laugh at yourself Smile

ddubsgirl · 16/07/2011 21:50

we wanted a girl but have 4 boys and i would still love to have a girl but thats not going to happen,we have 3 neices to get to dote on them and everyone i know who have girls tell what a pain they are lol!i love my boys to bits and even at 14,12 & twins 9 i get the best hugs!

michelleseashell · 16/07/2011 21:51

Oh my no you are not a horrible witch! It is a bit of a taboo thing to say but really it's only natural to pine for the son or daughter you may never have.

I'm desperate for a girl next time. It wouldn't be that I would be sad to have a son- but that I would be sad to never have a daughter.

It might still happen though so no point worrying about it!

WasSparklies · 16/07/2011 22:15

You're not wanting to swap your little boy, you're grieving for the road not taken, that could never have been taken unless you have b/g twins!

I wonder if you'd had a girl if you might have felt a bit sad about not having a boy? I always feel sad for whichever sex I don't get, every single time, and I have 3 DC, two girls and a boy. With your first it's even more pronounced as it's your first time experiencing all of this.

Nothing abnormal about it at all :)

razzlebathbone · 16/07/2011 22:27

My first was a girl and I was overjoyed. I couldn't believe my luck. I suppose I even felt a bit smug. My second was a boy. I knew we were having a boy and I was fine with it and looking forward to him etc. But oh my god, from the first instant I saw him I was overcome - he is just the best little thing in the world. Now I have him I can't believe I thought there was any smugness to getting a girl. I am beyond happy that I have a son. I adore both of them equally, it's just I feel ridiculous for always wanting a daughter, because having a son is, now I have him, something I should have always wanted too!

My cousin just had her first baby - a much longed for girl - she was very honest about how she desperately wanted a girl and really would be gutted to have a boy. It annoyed the shit out of me. As does her smugness now. She has nothing to be smug about. Boys are bloody amazing!

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