To not be thrilled about dh's 20yr uni friends reunion weekend away?

[Minicooper]

Just that really. It is a one off, so maybe I should just put up with it, but as a SAHM when something like this comes up it makes it a VERY long fortnight! I have a 3yo and a 1yo, neither in childcare as its school holidays and 3yodd's preschool is closed for 8 weeks and have no family in the country to decamp to for the weekend.

Zimm, I understand what you are saying. I'm a SAHM to 3 and DH is away from 7am to 7pm ish during the week so I really look forward to our weekends together. He went away last weekend and I wasn't exactly skipping around at the prospect. BUT he's taken all 3 kids to his mums for the night to give me a bit of peace this weekend.

I really do think the answer to this ISN'T to put your lives on hold while the kids are young and neither parent go anywere but to make sure BOTH parents get some time out to do have some child-free fun. I can cope with weekends on my own with all 3 because I know that I can enjoy some time off too.

Op I feel for you and understand.

My kids are same age as yours and I have no help. If my Dh went away for weekend I too would feel anxious at having the kids for a fortnight.

When your Dh gets back you MUST arrange time for yourself. Sign up for an evening class once a week. Go to the cinema with friends.

And shame on the poster who said font you enjoy time with your kids!
It still amazes me how heartless some ppl can be...op ignore them.

X

DragonAlley - so what that it is a 20 year reunion? If they are really good friends he can see them for a 21 year reunion. It's just a number. If it was a wedding or something maybe, but seriously - this kind of weekend will happen again if these people are worth seeing.

I'll reframe the argument:

You work in an office 7am-7pm, with overtime at 2am&5am most nights. You do not get tea breaks or lunch breaks and are sometimes required to work late until 9pm. You work in this same office at weekends but you have a co-worker who will ensure that, on that day you can eat meals, sit down for five and maybe pop out for a walk alone. You are told the co-worker will not be in next weekend, thus you will work 12 days on the trot with no breaks at all.

How pissed off are you???

A 1 year old and 3 year old sound like an exhausting combination and I really don't see why both parents can't go without weekends away for a few years if that is what is needed. Truly, it;s just one more sacrifice in the big long list of parenting sacrifices.

I honestly don't understand why people don't use babysitters.

When mine were little and dh worked away all week every week, I'd get a sitter on Wednesday to go to karate and often again another night and go out with my mates for dinner.

There's no reason to become a martyr just because you have small children imo.

Zimm, very pissed off if I never get a weekend off. Not remotely pissed off if I get the same amount of time off. You're exactly right, it's exhausting being a parent to young children. Exhausting for me AND for my DH. We both deserve some time away from that. Absolutely agree there's no need to martyr yourself.

But it´s the same for many - husband gone 7-7 & you look forward to the weekends.

But Zimm-sorry, have to talke exception to your scenario.

Yes, you are "on duty" for that time, yes, but I think most of us(?) manage to fit in meals and a sit down!

OP-I´m sure you´ll be fine-it´s of the thought of being "on duty/responsible" for all of that time (imo), more than the actual work entailed.

But as said-does it have to be the full weekend?

I can´t see my husband wanting more that an evening piss meet up.

Are there other activities or travelling that make the whole weekend necessary?

Can't he reduce his hours (or juggle them) so he comes earlier from work at least a couple of times a week to put his children to bed.

Wouldn't that be more help in the long run?

And this is why full time sahp is a bad thing for many relationships. Just breeds resentment of what are perfectly reasonable requests.

OP - your dh is entitled to time away as are you. What you grudge him, he will also grudge you so be careful how you react.

If you truly can't face 12 days childcare on the trot then you need to get back to work for at least some of the week and give yourself a break that way.

Sorry but I think YABU.

It is a one off so I think you just have to suck it up.

If it is bothering you so much then I do think you need to look into getting a break from the DC. I am a single mum and my 1 hour a week where my friend takes DD is an absolute god send. It is such a short amount of time but it really helps.

Lots of understanding here, thank you - did not expect everyone to understand, but nice that some of you do As I said earlier, I think its just highlighted that we need to make some changes - dh putting the girls to bed for a start so that I can at least in theory have an evening out!

The reason its a full weekend is that they are making a pilgrimage back to their Uni city, so travelling up Sat morning, out Sat night, recovering Sun morning, back by Sun evening. I know it doesn't sound much to ask - that's whiy I genuinely put it under AIBU - it is only unreasonable because at the moment a reciprocal arrangement has not happened - my own fault as well I'm sure, but with no family and the cost of babysitters it isn't easy. We will tackle this, though, so some good will come of it!

It is very tiring looking after two pre schoolers without any break but I think you would be v unreasonable to not let him go/ make him feel guilty. I assume that he is normally an involved father at weekends. He deserves a break and the chance to see his friends sometimes as do you.

zimm- I don't the 21 year anniversary will be the same as the 20th. These sort of large reunions only happen very occasionally in my experience. I don't think parent's lives should totally stop for years and years because of the children. (Of course, with a small, breast fed baby, it is different but that doesn't last forever).

mini- you are lucky that your DH is around every weekend. A lot of mums have husbands/partners working at the weekend as well as during the week on a regular basis or maybe working away. If he is around every weekend, it wouldn't be difficult to organise for him to have the children one day/ evening/ weekend so that you can arrange to meet your own friends or do whatever you fancy doing to recharge your batteries.

OK, he goes, but you don't have to be alone all weekend. Could you do something with a friend and her children-swim or park/coffee. I always found Sunday to be a bad day if DH was away, as it is a sort of family day, but you might have a friend in a similar position, so have a bbq or picnic to break up the day. Then get yourself a nice bottle of wine and a couple of films that DH might not like.

"DragonAlley - so what that it is a 20 year reunion? If they are really good friends he can see them for a 21 year reunion. It's just a number. "

Well, then the OPs child will be 4 and 2. Is that outside of your definition of "young" then?

It is ridiculous to suggest that someone can't have one special weekend away. if it were happening every weekend then yes, there is every right to be pissed off and complaining.

The issue here is not the weekend away or the fact that the OP will be "left alone" for a fortnight with the children. I think she's now realised that it is the whole routine that needs to change with more of an effort put in by her DH to get home to do bedtime in the week occasionally.

I think many fathers are clueless about how relentless motherhood can be (or vice versa in the case of a SAHFather I guess. possibly less so though).

My DH works in the week, and then in a different city most weekends, so I am home alone with the kids most weekends. To counter this I do an exercise class in the week even though I hate it--, and meet a friend at the weekend with her small children.

We eat 'easy' foods at the weekend - eg spaghetti on toast, and I get a takeaway in one night, as a treat.

I then sit on MN undisturbed, or watch loads of telly with some vino and a bag of crisps. Hardly rock and roll, but it works to make the weekend as easy as possible for yourself, plus a few treats thrown in.

Hope it all goes well. I would also book a day off the following weekend so your DH can watch the kids whilst you get out by yourself.

This 20 year reunion isn't in Warrington is it?

If it's a one off I think you should just put up with it. He must do quite a bit at the weekend or you wouldn't be so worried about it. Perhaps he needs a break too.

Think of us lone parents who never get a break. Sorry not very helpful, but had to say it

Arrange a weekend away with your girl friends pronto, have you really not had a night away since your eldest was born?? Why ever not?

My experience amongst my friends, for what it's worth is that mums who work outside the home tend to be quite good at having the odd girly weekend away and claiming a bit of time for themselves, whereas SAHP tend to get in the default position of always being there and always doing the caring and so it seems much harder for them to get any time away. It's just an observation but my SAHM friends almost can't conceptualise leaving their children, whereas obviously if you work out of the home, you have some practice of leaving them, and whilst it might be a bit difficult, you are used to doing it.

I think one night away (ok two days) is perfectly reasonable, and although it's very tough on your own all that time, I would think a couple of weekends like this a year reasonable for BOTH of you. Perhaps because your husband is not around in the week, and you are always there on the weekend, he never gets time with them on his own. It doesn't have to be a whole weekend, but a morning shopping, an evening class, out with a girl-friend, even time to sleep in or watch a film whilst he takes them out. I think the balance is too much you do everything, him not so much, and I would try to balance that out.

I don't think it's really about the DH going, more about the fact that OP is staying

Yabvu what if you were a single parent?

Can you not organise a close friend/ relative to come and visit, so that you get company and a helping hand too? Dh went away several times when I was on maternity leave, but I made sure each time I organised a visitor so that I had a good weekend too, and once I feel able to leave ds he knows that I am owed several weekends away . Everyone should have a bit of time off.