AIBU to think that my ex has a chance to take my daughter away

[snailsandslugs]

I don't know who to ask and just need some facts - hopefully to reassure me so that I can get some sleep.

He has just texted me that he is contacting a lawyer and all communication will be through him and that he is flighting for custody.

He lives in France - he is French, me, here in London.

I left him when I was pregnant because I thought he was emotionally abusive. He used to shout a lot/get angry/critisice me constantly/constantly picking faults/controlling. I loved him and still do which I know sounds bizarre. he has 2 sides to him. But I left him to have a baby. After I had her it was really diffiuclt, alone and with no money and so for 2 years we talked about me going back - it was like I wanted him and didn't want him. When I tried to go back to him, I was deeply miserable/homesick/felt trapped/felt worthless etc.

There's so much of he story. I know i should have stopped it, instead of being indecisiveHe kept giving em chances but I would never go back.

He calls me a pathalogical liar/mentally unstable and therefore unfit mother. I am worried that he may get custody becasue

1. He is a doctor - a very charming one- most would never believe the way he was with me. he is pushign this idea that i am mentally unstable
2. He can get a very good lawyer - I can not - I struggle financially (he gave me no money for her since she was born and he made very few efforts to visit her)
3. I have been seeing a counsellor mainly because of my low self-esteem froim him - she thinks I had PND.
4. I did lie to him. There were 100s of times I said I would go back and never turned up. WHen I did, I invented big lies to get away - it was like escaping includig my father being very ill. Sick, I know, but I was desperate to get away. SO, yes, i lied a lot.
5. Maybe it seems that I was mentally unstable - when he was moving on and looking to date, I would beg him back - I didn't want to lose him and then when he accepted me back, I didn't go! I used to invent stories.
6. for the first 4 months i found it diffiuclt with DD - i was on my own and I didnt reallybond with her. I wanted him back - to help me - i felt v alone and lost - I might have written (evidence) in emails to him that I didn't want her - that I wanted him., etc. I didnt bond with her straightaway - I looked after her as best as possible and i thought she was beautiful etc., but i did at tiems wish to have my old life back. i might have written that to him. since after that i fell completely in love with her. she is the best thing in my life and without her i would not want to exist.

Should I start worrying a lot? I am feeling sick.

Glad we can help. Obviously get yourself a solicitor lined up and check out your facts rather than rely on a bunch of well meaning but unqualified random ppl on the Internet.

But if I were in your shoes then my strategy would simply be to drag things out as long as possible. The reason is quite simple and something your solicitor should explain to you. The status quo.

Courts always seek where possible to maintain the status quo when deciding on an order. In your case it should be living in the UK with mum as she currently is but they'll also probably decide that it's in DD's best interests to know dad so will probably grant him some contact.

So I'd suggest supporting the gradual build up of contact over a period of time so that DD can get used to being with dad. I'd suggest at a contact centre as your place is inappropriate and you are concerned he may need help given DD's young age and his inexperience.....in short he will need to show a lot of commitment to travel to the UK for a couple of hours in a contact centre!

The longer the case drags on for, the more the status quo is in your favour. In other words, the longer it takes to make a court order, the harder it will be for a judge to say it's in DD's best interests to turn her whole world upside down, move to France where she knows no-one, doesn't speak the language and with someone she barely knows.

If he does show commitment then to be honest that is to be applauded and contact should be supported. Personally I'd never leave my kids in another country. If I were him, I'd have moved to the UK to be part of DD's life. But there's a huge difference between saying you want to be a committed father and actually being one.

great advice, thank you.

I will look into the legal aid stuff asap.

he is doing it on the basis that I am a pathological liar.

Shock....you mean a woman....lied to a man..... By golly I've never heard of that before!

Don't worry. What will decide the case is are you taking good enough care of your daughter. What you've said to him (or not) won't matter. Like I say, you have plenty of mitigating circumstances.

Basically he's got two chances. Fat chance and no chance.

I love facebook!!

OP- this will be a long process.

If he wants to be recognised as having joint PR, he will have to prove that he is the father and explain why he is not seeing the child. He has money, he is a doctor so this will not go in his favour.

Shared residency won't be given while he remains out of the country.

The court will want access to be built up over time. They will not disrupt life for yout DD as she knows it. They will not grant any orders that will intefere in any way with her education or social life.

Contact can be regular via a web cam, if the court makes an order, stick to it.

Sort out in your head exactly what it is that you want, it wasn't fair to mess him about. Keep it about being good parents, from now on.

The court will not take any of that into account.

You will be 'investigated', co-operate with the SW, you will not loose your DD.

See a family law specialist that knows about custody agreements within the EU

Your son lives here, has lived here for the last year so will be considered to be 'domiciled' here, not France
Its therefore the UK courts that decide

If you get your papers in order eg formally have sole custody, that is legally binding within all EU countries.

If he has rarely seen her and paid no maintenance, bear in mind that he doesn't want custody of her. What he wants is to make you unhappy and scared. He is using threats of legal action to dick you around. Talk to Women's Aid about this and don't let him see that you are distressed: meet every suggestion/threat/'legal' letter with polite, tolerant contempt and indifference. Best of luck.

He has just texted me that he is contacting a lawyer and all communication will be through him and that he is flighting for custody

Did this text come out of the blue or had you been engaging in a text debate before he sent it?

In any event, there's no way he's contacting a lawyer at 11pm French time but, as he's stated that all communication will be through 'him', I suggest that you take him at his word and now refrain from making any contact whatsoever with your ex and do not respond to any texts/emails/letters/phone calls you may receive from him except to say that, in accordance with his specific request, you will only communicate with his lawyer.

I suspect that his text was sent to you in anger after a few too many glasses of something alcoholic and this strategy may 'flush him out' so to speak.

However, you would be ill-advised to rush to consult a solicitor and possibly squander a half hour free session at this point in time as, until you are made aware of the substance of any claim/allegation your ex may make in resepct of your dd and yourself, a legal professional can only tell you what you already know/have been told here.

When/if you should need legal advice to refute any claim your ex may make, you're best advised to seek a firm of solicitors that has considerable expertise in the field of international family law.

I note that you live in London; if you care to pm me I can recommend a number of outstanding firms located in different parts of the capital. It may be that you will need to travel some distance for an initial consultation, but thereafter it is unlikely that you will require many face to face appointments.

As someone else said, lock your DD passport away and under no circumstances give it to your ex. He sounds like a charmer!

Having been in an abusive relationship myself, a couple of points.

1. You are still seeing the world through his eyes. When you say you lied to him because you said you'd go to him and didn't, can I suggest instead that you thought better of it? That's not a lie, you changed your mind.

1. There's every chance he's doing this to press your buttons, and has no real intention of going down what would be a very long road.

Don't give him the satisfaction of crying and begging, that's what he's after. Wait and see if a lawyer really does contact you. If one does (doubtful) you may find someone able to help you pro bono.

Go to see a solicitor ASAP please. Start getting the process going through the British courts. Maybe contact Women's aid for advice an support.

Some excellent advice on here from Niceguy and others. It's a frightening time for you, but if you do what has been suggested, you will be in a strong legal position. Bullies are full of bluster, as has been pointed out here, and what Niceguy said about him wanting to make a point and it all fizzling out when he loses is very perceptive, ime.

Does anyone on here know anything about the Haig convention and/or how to make a child a ward of court? Legally, I am sure the other posters are correct about your rights, but if you fear he might abduct the child, as well as being careful, maybe you should flag up your concerns with the police?

Just one thing. It might be a bit early to think about this because you are so involved with the situation as it is now, but if you try to visualise what you would wish for as the ideal situation for your daughter in the future, your decisions will be more streamlined. Eventually, you could create a situation in which she lives in the UK, visits or is visited by her father, is bi-lingual and - most importantly - secure in the knowledge that both her parents love her and want the best for her.

All the best of luck.

I don't know if anyone has already said this but dh has just said that once he has seen French lawyer he will find out his first battle is to get it heard in a French court, then (as you are living in Britain so it will be heard in our courts) he will need to pay to come over and then prove you are an unfit parent. as you are her primary care giver he hasn't got. a hope in hellof having full custody. but it would be advised to be seen to be reasonable so contact in a centre weekly would be a good idea, with the understanding he will turn up every week without fail. all very expensive for him, you may find he backs off pretty sharpish!

Also if he is trying to make out that you might be mentally unstable in some way it would be down to an independent Doctor to decide, not him, as it would clearly be unfair for them to take his view.

Check out this website:

www.reunite.org/

UK based charity specialising in international parental child abduction. Includes online advice, prevention guides and information on support services.

All the best, and don't let the bastard get you down!!

a) was he not all those things before you got pregnant?

b) you sound like you are trying to mess with his head, first you will, then you wont, then you dont know, then you will again - for two years and more!!

babybarrister I was also aware that shared residence orders are possible between England and France BUT op, would almost definitely only be made if there was already a pre-existing pattern of shared care in dd's life-- and even then would be unlikely, given the clear logistical difficulties of shunting even older children and teenagers around Europe like parcels...

Also am I right babybarrister in thinking that if the father wanted contact to take place in France he would have to pick his daughter up and take her there every time? He can't command the mother to bring her, can he?And isn't it less likely to be in France given the child's young age and the fact she has barely spent any time with her father let alone abroad in her life?

Not a hope in hell.

• No parental responsibility

• Child born in the UK and always resident there

• Has never shown enough interest to actually be bothered about building a relationship

• On the other hand, the mother has shown enough dedication to trying to forge a relationship with the father that she has moved to his country repeatedly (in court, if your moving back and fro were brought up, this would go in your favour. You would say that you were trying to stay with him so that your daughter could have a relationship with her father. They would ask you why that process ended. You would say that he was emotionally abusive and although you tried many times, you eventually gave up. I'm afraid that if his answer to this was to try and suggest that you were unstable/mad etc., he'd rather be proving your point. Especially when all the other stuff - no support, him not seeing her etc. is taken into account).

• Is well off, but cannot prove that he has EVER supported his child financially

• All in all, big shot guy or not, he would very much look like a person who was using this court process to harass and intimidate you. Because the first question asked of him would be - why have you not tried to maintain a relationship with your daughter until now? Why have you not supported her financially?

You need a lawyer who will help you create a response which demonstrates with examples how flawed his argument is. No you are not mad or obstructive- on the contrary, you made several efforts to be in France. No he is not doing this out of love for his daughter - he has made no effort to contact or support her. He is malicious.

Finally as others have said, you know deep down he doesn't want her. He just wants to harass you. So hold that thought and try not to get too panicky, but see a solicitor. Good luck.

Apologies babybarrister - you know far far more about this than me so just to say to OP that I'm sure you're right - my point was unclear, but I was thinking more along the lines that him not having made the effort to seek PR or contact before until this aggressive attack all helps to illustrate the fact that his motives aren't driven by wanting to maintain contact. It all illustrates that until now he has maintained a position entirely incidental to the child's life, of his own volition, by being happy to not have PR (despite his officious, 'educated' persona). OP could perhaps point this out to his detriment. I understand that it would be a formality for him to be given PR if the paternity is not contested.

Could she really be forced to allow him to take the child out of the country given the aggressive nature of his moves for contact - 'I'll fight you for custody'? I would be scared that he would refuse to return the child. However OP could surely stave off the possibility of having to deliver the DD to France for a considerable length of time given that he has made no effort to stay in touch - he is a stranger to the DD and therefore contact should surely be built up slowly, with him travelling to where the DD is secure. Wouldn't it also depend on the age of the child?

Maybe a long period of him having to travel and actually put in the time to get to know his daughter would be enough to put him off. His aim after all is to bully OP, it seems.

he cannot diagnose you with anything because is too close to you - would need independent assessment. he coudl apply to court for and pay for an independent psych evaluation - but would need good groudns for that. doesnt sounds like there are those grounds.

he has rarely seen her - so residence of her is very unlikely unless you really deemed unfit - getting help thru counselling does not make you unfit mother

lying to him does not make you unfit mother - you doing all the care now right?