to tell some in laws to use my proper name?

[LeggyBlondeNE]

It's the Miriam Gonzalez-Durantez being sneered off as Mrs Clegg that has got me thinking about this again.

I am Dr Leggy Blonde. My husband is Dr Joe Bloggs.

His godparents and aunt and uncle all send cards to Mr and Mrs Bloggs. Or worse: Mr and Mrs J Bloggs.

I know they've been told I kept my name because it came up when the baby was born (she has Blonde as a middle name although in hindsight we wish we'd just given her my name full stop!). But still they do it.

To me it's rude and even problematic when cheques are sent in the wrong name. And since they send cards for birthdays, christmas, anniversaries, baby, Easter, and any other Hallmark holiday that the shops tell them they ought to, we get a lot of these! (Although that's a whole other nice thought vs waste of trees debate!)

So should I finally bite the bullet and write to ask them to call me by my actual name? I really really want to ... just not sure if I'll come across as madam-ish!

Prima that's hilarious

Can't get excited about this, to be honest. I am in same situation, but really don't think it's a big deal. It's the thought that counts, not what they write on the envelope.

YANBU

I am in exactly the same situation, but just don't care if it give my 90 year old granny a thrill to be able to write Mr and Mrs (even though we are Dr X and Dr Y). Parcels and letters always get to me, and it's quite hard to keep track of who has and hasn't changed their names and what their children are called, I still don't know for some of my best friends what they decided to do in the end...

Not precious at all to want to be called by your actual name. How would your married female ILs feel if you kept addressing them by their maiden names? That's no different IMO.

It might not be unreasonable to assume a woman would change her name on marriage (though I'd be cautious of doing this, as many don't these days) - but it's rude to insist on using the wrong name when you know perfectly well that they haven't changed.

I wouldn't ask people to address me as Dr (outside of professional context), that would seem a bit precious. But surely it's just polite to try to get someone's name right!

If I am writing to friends who are married I do usually put Mr and Mrs husband's name. Only because it doesn't fit on the envelope otherwise! I know one friend doesn't mind at all as we talked about all this when she got married.

Probably offended everyone else

YANBU

I thought we'd been really clear with everyone about me not changing my name. DH and I even had it mentioned during our marriage ceremony and yet his parents still send letters to Mr and Mrs A Smith. I just don't get it. They've started making a bit of joke about it but I think they really see it as a rejection of their family even though I've explained my reasons to them

YANBU

Like Seeker, I get particularly annoyed when people think I am Ms MrInferior, when we aren't even married.

DP's brother does it (and you'd think he'd know we weren't married). I can just about excuse my 71 year old aunt, who is a nun, who thinks I am Mrs Myname-Hisname, because the kids are Myname-Hisname, but that pisses me off too .

YANBU

2 of my sisters kept their name; I couldn't wait to change mine.

I earn a lot more than my husband and our close family know we deal with money separately. My ils send cheques to Mr and Mrs OHaHa when they know we haven't got a joint bank account (and will not be getting one).

If it really bothers you that much and you think they are deliberately out to wind you up, send the cards/letters back "return to sender, not known at this address".

My 85 year old great aunt sends me small cheques occasionally for our DS not in my name and I've asked my bank to accept cheques in either my working or married name; starightforward now but the first time I had to remember to carry my marriage cert around with me all day until I got chance to take it to the bank. I don't blame her for a moment at her age.

I think although it's become quite common for women to keep their name, there's a very limiting perception that it's only OK because 'it's for work' and beyond that you are still Mrs. X. I have to admit that's pretty much the route I've gone down, mainly because it really doesn't bother me to be Mrs. X on birthday cards and invitations etc, but I have to confess the thought of the reaction from family if I insisted on my name for everything is off-putting. I think if you take away the 'work' reason it becomes a very controversial issue indeed with husbands' families.

I also find it annoying, like another poster, that my in-laws never ever use my full first name. My own stupid fault for allowing the shortening in the first place (childhood embarrassment at a long name) but you'd think they'd just nod towards it every now and then.

I personally told all of my in-laws that I am still Ms Yama. Dh's father actually asked if I am allowed to leave the country with my own name. I replied that yes since I am fully human it is allowed.

I have been pleasantly surprised that they all get it right. Even dh's Gran sends correspondence to Mr Dh and Ms Yama.

If you personally tell people then they have no excuse for getting it wrong. Keep telling them. And enjoy it. You have done nothing wrong.

YANBU. I've kept my name through 2 marriages and tell people if they send stuff to Mrs X. I don't bother with husband's aunt who lives abroad and sees me once every few years, but I think it's important people who see me regularly know what my name is. I don't get angry, just tell them (if I remember, the problem is it only happens xmas/ birthday and I then forget afterwards, but accept it's my fault they keep sending stuff to Mrs x as I haven't told them it's Ms Y)

Actually we get cards from one of DP relatives addressed to Mr and Mrs Hisname - and we aren't even married! Maybe he has a secret wife I don't know about .

If I send a card to friends (this is rare as I don't really 'do' cards!) I'd just address it to their first names tbh.

If people pull this "Mrs DH" stunt with me after my wedding next year, I am going to ask my friends and family to please address DH as Mr Bue - then at least we'll both have to suffer through being 'renamed'!

It's not precious to want to be called your own name....

I've kept my name on marriage and the people who have got it wrong have only done so once after being firmly (but not chippily) corrected. I don't see the problem with just telling them or make a (poor) joke of it: Mrs Hisname is my mother in law, so did you want me to forward that on or is it meant for me? (Ok that's chippy but it is the sort of thing I had in mind for repeat offenders but there have not been any yet!).

motherinferior to side track for a second, did you simply give the kids the double-barrelled name when you registered them? I would like to the the same combo for ours (if we ever manage to get pregnant).

PMSL.

'It doesn't fit on the envelope unless I write Mr & Mrs Hisname' is the best bollocks excuse I've heard yet. Genius.

Love the "didn't fit on the envelope" line!

Like "women can't work on building sites because they don;t make setel toed boots small enough" (a genuine quotation!)

Oh and, eurochick - yes, you just register them as Euphemia yourname-Hisname.

What a coincidence that it's Mr & Mrs Hisname that fits perfectly on the envelope every time, and never Mr & Mrs Hername! That's a pretty daft reason. Like I said earlier, why not just use first names in that case, they can't be very good friends if you're not on first name terms!

Ha, this is making me laugh!

I have just stayed in hospital for 2 days and everyone without exception addresses me automatically as 'Mrs Peasant' - to which I always say, 'Oh just call me Revolting'.... but I do find it interesting that this is regarded as the 'polite' way to address women when you aren't sure!

I don't even get started on the 'Dr' thing, ye gods, I can just imagine the consternation

OLs always sent cards etc to Mr and Mrs even though we never got married.

Irritating but i cba to argue about it.

"It's the thought that counts, not what they write on the envelope."

Ah, but exactly. The though behind the writing is "So, you decided to keep your own name, did you? Well, we don't agree. Married womens should not do that, they should disappear and be known only as "Mrs" of Mr Joe Bloggs from then on. So there!"

HeavyHeidi - hee!

I suspect it's more that it's so outrageous in their book they have selectively blank memories for the fact.

However, I shall pass round the email wrt cheques for the baby (in my name) and hope they all get the message!

Yes. Actually they're not double barrelled, but they're My name Hisname. Causes no problems whatsoever. Quite a few kids at the school have the same. It does mean the poor old Inferiorettes have two looong forrin surnames, comprising a total of 15 letters, but I feel it is Distinctive .

Oh, and DP's brother just said, when I pointed out I am Myname not Hisname 'he couldn't be bothered to write it out'. I suggested just writing our first names, and I think he rather got the hint.

I know, revolting, people clock my wedding ring when I'm working and decide to plump for Mrs Eastegg. That's my mother.